I’m home home.

My usual pilgrimage.

I honestly don’t have much planned during this trip.

Usually, I would plan a few hikes and may explore, but so far, nothing.

Galette still has an injury and a cone. Tempted to take off the cone, but it seems she still licks the wound. Maybe tomorrow.

The weather has been……chilly.

Overcast.

Chill.

It’s definitely not the typical clear skies humidity of WA summer.

Next week.

Heat.

Maybe I’ll do some quick local hikes then…nothing too strenuous. Nothing too hard.

Maybe I’ll go out to Ruston Way with mom and the dogs and just do the waterfront.

Something.

Get out of the house.

Cold cold.

I think I’m coming down with something.

I know I feel a little off, like I’m under the weather.

I really can’t pinpoint what it is, but something is off.

It’s low 60s today, maybe it’ll reach low 70s today.

I’m sitting here tying away with a hoodie when I generally would just chill in my t-shirt.

Maybe it’s the AC, but it wouldn’t be kicking on.

It’s not hot enough for it to kick on.

Tired.

Maybe my body is just tired.

Sigh.

So far all I’ve done is sit in front of the laptop and organize my thoughts on my project.

Plus some actual work work.

People still fucking hitting me up.

Sigh.

Work.

Can’t get a real break.

But I guess working on my project is a good thing.

Organizing my thoughts and planning things out is a good thing.

Makes me feel productive, an action plan, something to focus on.

It’s what I need.

I’m not going to lie, there’s a huge sense of procrastination and fear of actually putting in the work, which then drives the procrastination, which then drives the self-doubt, which then drives the failure.

Hopefully it’ll be different when I get back to LA.

It does seem that the only thing I really planned on doing while I’m up here is exactly this….the planning…the brainstorming….the organizing.

I guess I’m doing what I set out to do.

Which is good, I guess.

Hahhaha, maybe I don’t see “anything”, so I don’t feel productive.

All I have are some chats with Kai on the project, a filled-out list of ideas on OneNote.

It’s something.

I do find myself thinking about some aspect or another of the project from time to time. It’ll just slip in as I’m doing something else.

Sometimes it’ll just come and go….sometimes I’ll make a note.

I need to get better at that.

Cutting.

Editing.

Videos.

I’m getting the hang of it.

I’m getting the hang of using the tool/program.

I’m still working on a style and aesthetic and that’ll come with more practice and more vision.

I’m just getting the hang of things.

I cut the first OMAD dinner…steak & fried rice.

Will I post it? No.

I want to get better at camera angles and filming techniques.

I think with the new camera holder/arm will help with better angles.

The lighting works, but I still need to dial things in.

The Korean Cheese Elote is just raw footage. Will I edit it? Maybe. Will I post it when it is finished, no.

I really want to redo the recipe and again, I want to work on new camera angles and such.

I think I want it more of a corn casserole.

I know what I did wrong with the recipe. I needed less crema and a little more mayo and I think I need more elote spices and more cayenne/paprika.

I didn’t have enough. Still debating the Kraft American Cheese…it’s very “Korean”….but did it jive well with the Mozz?

I’ll have to redo it again and see how it goes.

I do like the fresh corn and hopefully corn will still be in season when I get back. If not, it’ll be frozen corn which is fine….or even canned corn.

I’ll need to research a few more recipes of actual Elote/Korean Cheese Corn to see what I can actually add/subtract from each to make it a good fusion.

So, a lot of thinking. A lot of work during my little break.

I’m still debating on when to update my resume and go through all my screenshots of apps/flows that I created to create my portfolio.

I think it is time.

I don’t know if I’ll follow through, but at least I’ll have it ready for when I do decide that going down with the ship isn’t a good thing.

A part of me is like…let’s see where it goes.

But a part of me is, what’s the harm of looking.

I honestly don’t mind the work. At the moment, I have no problem with the new boss.

I think my issue is just the general politics of the office and a lot of the shady decisions that were made.

The uneasiness of the office is just off-putting and is one of the primary drivers of me wanting to get things ready.

The job market isn’t looking good, and I don’t think I’ll get any better, so better to get a step ahead and go from there.

What can save it? No idea.

Seems like we are getting some new business, which is good. We are getting pitches, which is good. But I don’t know, seems like we aren’t winning the big ones that matter.

Also, I’m trying to brace myself for RTO.

It’s going to be a shit show, but it’ll be a good watch.

I will take no responsibility for it. NONE.

We are coming back to socialize and not work.

That’s what the owners want, hence no investment on new hardware.

Associates won’t need it because they are there to socialize whereas the c-suite feels that work is work, they should be able to work.

But hahahaha, what do I know. I’m just an IT dude.

Sigh.

Cold. Chilly.

Lost in thought.

There seems to be so much in flux.

So much to juggle.

So much to handle.

There’s just so much and I have a much smaller bandwidth than when I was younger.

Sigh.

Old.

I wonder what will come out of this mid-life crisis.

What number is it now? 5th? 6th?

Too many for a man in his mid-forties.

Ugh, I’ll be in my late-forties next year.

Hahhahaha.

Sigh.

Depressing.

But…Hwaiting!

Fighting.

Change. Change. Change.

Control. Control. Control.

Whenever I get into a situation where I feel like I’m losing control, I always do something drastic, but safe.

For example, I would shave my head or grow it out…whenever it seems my emotions are running wild from a rejection or something else.

It happens. I’m an emotional person and I’m a control freak.

I try to control my life or do something that gives me a sense of control back.

I have a feeling that I’m spiraling into a similar situation again, but I don’t know if simply shaving/growing my hair out will change anything.

The drive to change had been there for a while now. I’ve made some changes, like purchasing new furniture, new diets, and now, a new pet.

But that sense of change is still there. It’s pulsating.

I need a change.

Change.

Control.

Control.

Change.

Why?

I don’t know. I’m in a rut maybe. Maybe not.

I’m good in my life. I like the freedom. I have my pets for company. I have a good routine going.

But I don’t know, there’s still a drive for change.

Maybe I’m tired of living in my place. I want better for myself, or a better apartment, house.

Maybe I’m just tired of working and just want to retire and not do anything.

There’s a lot.

Also. The world.

The FUCKING WORLD.

I have no control over that. None. I can do what I can, but it’s up to people with a better political drive than me.

If there are politicians that align with me, I’ll vote. Policies that align with what I want, I’ll vote.

That’s the best I can do given everything.

But even then, all of that is being stripped away.

And the Left Base is a fucking joke. They are the Republicans of the 90s.

We’re fucked.

FUCKED.

I need a change.

So, what are my options? What am I doing?

WHAT? WHY?

I started a new project. It’s a little intimidating, it’s scary and I don’t know how it will go.

I’m created the necessary accounts. I created and did it.

It’s official.

Will I be successful? Who the fuck knows.

I sure as hell don’t.

It’s something to work on. It’s something to focus on.

It’s different and I think that’s what I really need.

Something to focus on other than the shit and uncertainty at work and the ugliness of the whole fucking world.

I just need something.

Just something to put my mind in a meditative state that isn’t thinking about the end of all things.

Work. Focus. New challenges. New problem solves.

It’s something that I’m familiar with but something that I know nothing about.

It’s exciting. It’s scary.

There’s high potential for failure.

I think that’s how I need to change my mind set to that it’s high potential for failure and nothing will come out of this. If it does take off, great, grand…beautiful. Celebrate.

If it doesn’t, that’s okay too. It’s something that’ll keep you busy.

Something to keep you mind off of things until there’s another need to change.

You are just starting out. You are still learning the ropes.

No pressure. Low lift.

It’s for fun.

Change.

It’s scary.

It’s worth it.

Change.

It happens.

Sometimes it doesn’t and that’s okay too.

I just don’t know if it’ll do anything to dampen this desire to change.

But at least I’m taking the control and trying to make a change.

I don’t know…maybe there’ s a part of me that’s just trying to take accountability and responsibility about my life.

I mean, I already am, but also at the same time, I’m coasting.

Can I do more?

Of course I can.

I always can do more.

Looking back, whenever I take charge and make a change, it works out for the best.

Whenever I come to a problem, I’ll study it and then tackle it and eventually I’ll resolve it or come to a conclusion that there is no fix and ultimately be okay with it.

Will this be the same thing?

No fucking clue.

But at least I’m trying something.

That’s all that I can ask for.

Hopefully it’s enough of a spark to free me.

Freedom.

Change.

Control.

Life.