Here we are. Here we go.

45.

Halfway to 90.

I honestly don’t believe I’ll ever live that long nor do I want to.

It’s my annual another year older, another year wiser post and I can say, that 44 was much better than 43.

This post is a little different from my past posts. I’m not on my annual #specialweek trip. I’m home today, “working”.

Next week, I’ll be away, doing what I do best, relaxing and hiking and vacationing.

Without further ado, here we go.

44.

It ended well.

I guess we remember endings the most, because they are the most recent thing on your mind, whereas my ending for 43 was shit.

44.

Overall, 44 was a good year.

It started put rough with all of the rain and definitely there a was a lot of carryover from 43.

Hitting 44 was rough. My dad’s 20 year was extremely tough on me and that really fucked me up.

After May, things started to get better.

The Sun came out and life got going.

My lack of motivation in every aspect of my life lifted, and I life got better.

44.

Maybe it was coming to terms with being the same age as my father when he passed or coming to terms that I’ll always be older than him that freed me from the depression that haunted 43.

Who knows, but I’m glad that 44 turned out so well.

Was it the best number ever?

No.

Not even close, but it was a good start to taking my life back.

44.

I took it a day at a time.

After my trip back, I relaxed. I worked. I settled into a routine that worked for me and put my head down and trudged on.

Day goes by. Each day really no different than the next.

I allowed for the possibility of new things that deviated from my normal routine, but I didn’t really go out of my way either.

I lived.

LIVED.

44.

I think it would be the number that I learned to live again.

It would be the number that I stopped suffocating and took a breath and came to terms that there’s nothing to be afraid of.

Each breath that I get to breath is one more than what my dad got and it should be cherished and enjoyed.

44.

The number I took back my life…..again.

44.

I enjoy being single. I enjoy being alone.

I love being alone.

#livingalone

I don’t know if ever mentioned it, but it’s something that have been in my mind lately, and that’s I really enjoy being alone. I want to be alone. I want to be single.

I think me finally voicing it out loud to others really help. I don’t feel the pressure of wanting to get married or being in a relationship.

I proudly say no, especially to family. I’m not in a relationship. I don’t want to be in a relationship.

Why?

I don’t want to be in one.

Many in my family don’t understand this, especially those of the older generation, but I’ve been more vocal of this than before.

Before I was very flippant about being single or getting married, now I directly tell them I’m not interested.

Pressure. Gone.

No guilt.

I’m living my life.

Control.

Along the same vein, I think I don’t want children.

I think I’m becoming more and more childfree as I get older.

I know a lot of it has to do with me being single and not wanting to be in a relationship or married.

But a larger part of me feel that I can’t afford to have a child and given today’s political climate and how the world is now, is it responsible to bring a child into the world.

I don’t feel it is. I think given my age, I think I would feel guilty about not being able to be there for any of my children to guide them and help them.

I’ve voiced this a loud quite a few times to quite a few people.

No pressure.

No guilt.

I know a lot of my mental issues come from the Asian guilt and pressure of wanting to please my mom and family by being married and having children.

Thinking of being single and not having kids and actually voicing these thoughts aloud to people are different things and it’s so empowering to have done it.

I’m taking my life back.

Control.

I live for me.

I’m sure I’ll disappoint many, especially my mom, but I can live with that.

I can live with that now.

44.

I can finally breathe.

So, cheers to 44. Thank you for giving my life back.

45.

Bring it on.