Hi Dad. What’s up, man?

Ha. You remember that? That’s what you would say to me whenever you would call me to check up.

I miss your phone calls. I miss talking to you. I do really miss you.

It’s been 10 years since you’ve been gone and you’ve have always been in my heart ever since that day.

I know looking back now that I really did take you for granted. I took mom for granted too and sometimes I feel that I still do. But I’m working on it.

So, what’s up?

10 years.

A lot had changed in these past 10 years. I have changed a lot in these 10 years.

I know that your death affected me so much and it still does. In a way, it kind of made me a better person, but in a way it made me afraid.

I don’t blame you. I really don’t. It’s just me. I’m just scared. I’m so scared of it happening again. There’s not much room in my heart anymore. It’s just so fragile.

There’s no more room for anyone new for me to love. I tried to find someone, but I don’t know whether it was me just sabotaging it or maybe it just didn’t work out because we just didn’t work out, but there’s a part of me that knows that your death had something to do with it.

I don’t think I can fully commit or fall just for the fear of losing someone again. I know it is all mental and it is all in my head, but I don’t think my heart is ready yet.

Like I told mom, it’s not that I don’t want to be in a relationship. I do. I’m not going to lie about that, but it’s just that what if? What if I do find this love and just totally be smitten and be in love with this dear girl and she gets snatched away. What if?

I know I shouldn’t be worried about what ifs, but the pain of losing someone, the thought of having to go through that again. I don’t think I can. Again, there’s not much room left in this tiny heart of mine.

Just enough for mom, Hien, and Pickles.

But maybe, one day, I’ll make the leap. I’ll take the chance again and not worry about the what ifs and just focus on the present, being in the moment, and just allow myself to love and to be loved.

One day.

10 years.

So much has changed.

I have changed so much since the last time I saw you. That Monday morning, I was packing my bags to leave and you were leaving for work. Those last words of take care.

The person that I am today is so much different from the kid that spoke to you on the phone as you called me to pass the time at the car dealership. You just bought mom her car and was just waiting for the paperwork to finish. That was our last conversation. That was the last time I heard your voice, your laugh.

I was such a different person back then. I was so shy and just so uncomfortable in my own skin. I was so unsure about myself and who I was.

But look at me now.

I’m a different person. I’m a better person.

I think you would actually be proud of me today. I think you would be happy about who I am.

I’ve learned so many things without you. I had to be a better person without you here. I had no one to talk to about them.

I’ve seen so many new things and been to so many places. I think you would have liked them. I would always imagine you there with me, by my side, us experiencing these places together.

But you weren’t and that hurts me every time. It is out of my control and it is something that I have to deal with. The pain is a constant reminder of how much I love you and miss you.

I don’t know if I ever would want to not have that pain. It’ll always be a part of me. Always.

But I know I am never alone. Pickles would always be with me, by my side.

I think you would like him. He’s a cute dog, so nice and so sweet. He’s always down for a car ride and a road trip. He always have that adventurous spirit just like me.

He’s a lot like me.

There are times when I would bring him home and I would imagine him laying next to you, wanting your attention and you would play with him. I think he would love you too.

There’s so many things that you have missed. Just so many.

There will be so many things that you will not be a part of. You’re just not here.

But I guess that is something that I have to accept. That is something that I would have to just get over.

I just need to. I don’t think I can move on without it.

I know that I have grown up so much since you’ve been gone. I’ve become a man that you would definitely be proud of, but there’s a part of me that still hasn’t moved on yet.

There’s still a part of me that is all steeled up, afraid to let anyone in.

I know I’m only kidding myself with those earlier relationships. There was always something around my heart, protecting it. There is this icy cold shield that wouldn’t let anyone in.

I had to do it. It was protection. I couldn’t fully commit. I just couldn’t.

I need to now. I need to just let my heart go. I think it is time.

10 years.

Marriage. Kids. Other milestones that are left in my life, whether big or small. You will be missed.

But I know you want me to move on. I know you would want me to just go on and live my life.

I know you want the best for me.

I know that you love me.

It is time to release me.

I need to let go.

I know that it wasn’t my fault. I have and there’s still a part of me that still believes that it was my fault.

I do feel guilty.

But I know it happens. It just happened with no rhyme or reason. That is life.

I need to move on. I need to continue my life, live it with more conviction, with my whole heart in it. I need to live it without anything holding me back.

I need to let things go. It wasn’t my fault. You would want me to know that. It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t.

I need to start a new phase in my life. It’s a brand new start. It’s a brand new life.

I’m going to be me, free from any ties and any weight.

Everything is lifted off my chest my shoulders. I am free to live.

I can breathe. I am free.

Thank you dad.

I miss you.

Love you.