Vacay.

On a trip, the last one with Pickles.

A Boy and His Dog 2020 – The Final Ride

I sit in my hotel room in Vegas (Excalibur) as I write this. It’s the tail end of my trip. No more nature. No more mountains. No more hiking.

City dwelling. Resort life.

Vegas.

I’m not planning on doing much here. I don’t plan on leaving the hotel that much.

There’s really not much to do. Everything is closed.

No shows. No events.

Nothing.

I’ll walk the strip to stretch my legs, but the plan here is to rest up and do nothing.

My body is broken. Tired. Sore.

I worked it during this trip, a sweep of a few National Parks that I’ve always wanted to do and one that I wanted to do again.

I took Pickles with me, a final tribute to him.

It started in Grand Tetons National Park in a little secluded spot I came across during my first hike..

I spread his ashes around all of the different parks that I went to, so he can enjoy them and be a part of them since he loved to travel and go on adventures with me so often.

I hope I found some good places that he’ll enjoy. They were majestic places, popular places, secluded places. Places that allows him to run around and play and be brave and fly. Places where he can make friends and play with the local wildlife.

I hope he enjoys and spends some great time there and hopefully one day, I’ll go back and say hi to him or he comes and visit me in my dreams with what he’s doing.

I want to hike with him again.

During the whole time, I would see him hiking in front of me like he normally does. He’ll pull ahead like 20 yards and then he’ll wait for me to catch up and then zoom ahead again.

His tail wagging, skipping along on the path, enjoying all the new smells and the excitement of running free.

Maybe I’m still mourning and grieving, but man, it was and still is tough. I’d break down from time to time hiking the trails and spreading his ashes.

I’d thank him for saving my life and tell him to be a good boy and that he was the best boy. I’d ask my family who’s passed to take care of him while he’s up there until I can get there.

I still hurt. I still feel empty. A large part of me, my soul is missing. My soulmate is gone and I don’t know what to do anymore.

I’ll heal. I’ll get better and I’ll always remember him and have him in my heart.

Pickles.

You are loved.

Numb.

Tired.

I’m not right.

I’m definitely not okay.

I don’t know if my current state is a result of grief and depression or if it is COVID.

Our world crumbles. My world destroyed.

What is life?

Nothing is right. Nothing is normal.

Slow. I adjust to the new normal.

It’s been a week.

Tonight, it’ll be exactly a week.

I okay.

A big O K. But I’m not okay.

I’m not well.

I’m grieving. Mourning.

Normal.

I have feelings. I’m emotional.

Normal.

I’m okay.

Numb.

I go through the week as a zombie. I go through the week like I normally do, but not normal.

I wake up at my normal time, go through my normal routine of starting my morning and then it changes.

The New Normal.

Since I don’t have to take Pickles on a walk anymore, I’ve taken to going on my typical weekend morning walks.

Zigzag down the neighborhood streets.

I got nothing else to do. I got more time than I need.

I need SOMETHING.

Something that feels like how it was.

Out, walking Pickles in the morning.

But no more.

Not anymore.

Sad.

I’m surviving.

I’m living.

Day. After. Day.

One day at a time.

Loss.

That’s all you can do.

One day at a time.

Embrace your emotions. Let it run its course and then move on.

I still find myself calling for Pickles.

Go-Jay Go-Jay

Doggy Doggy

Pickles Pickles

It always come in pairs.

It always come in pairs.

I miss you.

I hurt. My heart. Shattered.

Broken.

Just dust in the wind.

Gone.

I know I’ll be okay, but will I ever be the same?

It’s like how it was with my dad, but different.

He’s been such a big part of my life in the past 14 plus years.

Pickles taught me so much about patience.

He filled my void.

He means so much to me.

My adulthood, he’s been with me.

My good times. My growth as a person, into who I am today.

He’s been with me for every step.

Pickles saved me.

Who would have known that a dog, a pound puppy that no one wanted, could save this broken man’s life?

Pickles.

He was always game for everything, especially when he was younger.

He was so eager to go anywhere I would go, excited when I move to the door and leave whether he was coming with me or not.

He waited so patiently for me to come home. Some days not so patient.

We had our growing pains.

He was my first pet.

He was the first thing that I ever had to take care of.

He gave me something to live for. Something that I was responsible for.

Life.

His life.

I had a purpose.

He gave me purpose.

Pickles was the best friend anyone can ask for.

Always down for my adventures. Always down for road trips.

He didn’t care where we were going, as long as we were going together.

I couldn’t have asked for a better copilot.

Fuck man, he was the best.

Pickles.

We were soulmates.

I would always tag my pictures with him with #soulmates.

He was.

He understood me and I think I understood him.

We would look at each other and realize that we knew that the other was okay.

But, no more.

He’s gone.

I’m left behind to pick up the pieces of my soul and mend.

I’m not alone.

Relish keeps me company, but it’s not the same.

I can’t read her.

I don’t know how she’s dealing with Pickles’s loss.

I don’t know if she understands.

I think she does.

I hope they said their goodbyes.

I said my goodbyes and it wasn’t enough.

I think I’m done today.

It won’t be the last time that I’ll write about Pickles.

I miss you bud. I hurt. You are loved.

Thank you for my life.

I love you.

Pickles’s spleen ruptured last night and lost a lot of blood. It may have been cancer which came on suddenly.

The many blood transfusions he’ll need just to get him to a surgery he may not survive from would have been too much for him.

I’m sorry.

Pickles, you’re irreplaceable. I got you in a dark time of my life and you helped me see the light. You saved me.

You were with me on so many adventures and for so many firsts.

You were my first pet. You’re my first dog. You taught me so much about my self.

We’ve had our moments. I was an asshole and so were you but we managed.

You taught me patience.

You showed me that I could love again, after losing my father. I owe you so much.

I’ve grown so much as a person in the last 15 years and you were a large part of it. And now I don’t know who I am anymore.

I know you’re in a better place. I do hope that I gave you a good life and was a great owner.

I’m broken but I’ll be fine. You don’t have to worry.

I miss you.

I love you.