Soon you’ll get better.

I’ll get better soon. I’ll get free from my psychological binds.

I’ll be free to express myself more than I already do.

I’m going to this here for my sake. Something for me to look back on when I need the confidence to do better art.

This has been coming for a long time now and I know it is something that I must do.

Going to Spain, seeing some of the art from a Master, Picasso, gave me the inspiration to break free from my old mindset of what art is.

Last night, I came across a Story from an Artist that I follow on Instagram, redhongyi.

Here’s her story.

I cried.

Tears flowed.

It meant so much to me. It hit me so hard.

I cried.

Tears.

What she captured in her story has been something that I’ve been struggling with my art for a while now. It’s something that was hard-set in my mind when I was younger.

It wasn’t until I started to do more art now, at my age, that I realized that I need to stop.

There’s a limitation and fear in me that if it doesn’t look like what I set out to paint or draw, then it’s a failure.

It’s hard.

All my art that I’ve done for this project, I have tried to replicate from a source picture. I’ve done a few more abstract pieces where I’m learning how to use the software and tool, but that’s about it.

I’m starting to learn to break free from the photorealism mentality of what art should be.

Being in Spain, seeing the art, and some of the works by Picasso, helped me realize that I don’t have to focus on the resemblance of what I’m trying to paint or replicate. I just need to present an idea of it and that should transcend what I’m trying to paint.

It’s a hard lesson I’m trying to learn. It’s a problem I’m fighting to overcome.

I’m starting to break free, but I’m not there.

I don’t know if I’m starting to break free because I’m tired of my work not looking like what I’m trying to do or I’m that I’m okay with it not looking like it and liking that it has some resemblance of it.

I don’t know.

I really don’t.

I find it fascinating that I had the same thought of art like mom’s when I was younger. At the Prado museum in Madrid, mom was looking at a big painting of The Animals entering Noah’s Ark and she mentioned that she like this kind of art better than what she saw at the Picasso museum.

When she said, “this kind of art”, she meant Renaissance art because it depicts a realistic view of the subjects and what is being painted. She understands and see what’s being painted.

With Picasso, she doesn’t understand what he’s doing. She doesn’t understand cubism. She can’t figure out what she’s looking at.

I was that way. I loved the old modern Renaissance art because of that. The realistic nature of the piece.

Now, I’m bored. I’m bored with the Renaissance.

I’m bored with the life-like depiction and rendition of the piece.

Give me some modern art. Give me some cubism. Give me some abstract.

Give me something different.

Maybe I’m just looking for some inspiration or some affirmation that I don’t have to fully replicate a true-to-life exactitude to what I’m painting.

I should take liberties with my work. I should interpret what I see to something else.

I’m trying.

I’m trying.

I’m 40 and I’m trying.

I’m 40 and I’m still learning.

It’s tough. It’s new.

It’s different.

Maybe I should just embrace the faults in my work. In a way I do. In a way I do consider some of the work finish and be like fuck it, I’m done.

I’ll publish it because it’s part of the project.

It’s all a work in progress.

I’m still finding my voice.

I’m still finding my style.

I’m still new at this.

I’m so used to trying to get the details right. Trying to finesse the painting to what it should be like that I get frustrated when it isn’t. Then I move on, not satisfied, like I’m giving up.

I’m learning to let it go and embracing it.

Seeing some of Picasso’s work and realizing that he doesn’t care about the details and the finesse gives me confidence that I shouldn’t too.

Seeing how he drew a man’s hand like bubbly loopy hand fingers similar to a kid’s drawing gives me strength to move the fuck on and not worry about perfection and accuracy.

I’m hooked.

I need more.

I need to see more work. I need to see more artists.

I need to do a deep dive into more artists so I can get more confirmation and affirmation that I’m doing okay with my work.

It’s not good, but it’s okay. Good will come later with practice and a voice and a passion.

Be okay.

So, thank you Red Hong Yi and Picasso for giving me the strength to move away from the idea that “art” should be an accurate reflection of your subject.

Fuck it.

Fuck it, indeed.