Holy fuck shit.

That’s all I have to say at the moment.

Holy.

Fuck.

Shit.

Allergies came out of the blue this past week and it hit me hard yesterday afternoon.

Fuck.

Dying.

It’s a little over a week and a half before I turn another number.

It isn’t just another number this time. It’s another decade.

It’s ANOTHER FUCKING DECADE.

My remaining days of my thirties are winding down.

It’s going to be huge. I’m not going to lie.

I do have some reservations as to what the new decade will bring and what it will mean.

It’s a decade that will have a lot of significance for me.

It’ll be the first decade that I’ve come to terms with my father’s passing.

It’ll also be the decade that my father never lived passed.

44.

45.

How will I deal?

What is in store for me?

I don’t know.

I don’t know.

I read over my past another year older, another year wiser posts of the past few years and it seems that there was this trend that started when I was 35.

There was a trend of me coming out of my rut and becoming more of myself than I ever been.

There was a trend of me finally accepting me and not giving a fuck.

I owe a lot of it due to the therapy that I had. I owe a lot of it to me coming to terms with my father’s passing.

These past five years were very transformative.

Sure, I’m still the same but I am very different.

I went back to basics, but I also tested my comfort zones.

There were many many ups and there were definitely many many downs and lows.

Life.

It’s a roller coaster ride, but it’s a fun and thrilling one for this little anti-social hermit.

I’ve grown so much.

I feel that I became more of me in the past five years than I did in the previous 10.

Old.

Age.

Growth.

It’s a constant.

I didn’t know what I was going to do this morning.

I thought that I was going to continue the python class, but my mind isn’t clear.

Tired.

Didn’t sleep well the past few nights after getting better from my cold.

I’ve been waking up around 3AM again and can’t turn my brain off. I start thinking about work. My mind starts wandering, day dreaming instead of night dreaming.

I can’t turn it off.

My brain.

I wish I could just mute the thoughts until morning, but it’s a battle. A constant battle. Always a battle.

The only time that I was able to turn off my brain was when I was drugged.

I don’t want to take pills to go to sleep. I have no problems falling asleep. I have problems staying asleep.

Work doesn’t help.

Stress.

It’s similar to the feeling that I had with the whole SharePoint dev. I don’t want to fuck it up.

It’s the same for the database project. It’s huge. Massive. I’m the only one that is working on it.

It’s stressful.

Unlike the SharePoint project, I’m very optimistic about it. I think when we get all the data squared away, we should be good.

We should be good.

Optimism.

We’re good.

Instead of working, I decided I’m taking a break from all school or classes or learning things until after my little special weekend break.

I’m going to zen the fuck out in nature to recharge my soul and I’ll come back a new number and a new decade.

Fuck I’m old.

I know that age is nothing but a number.

I act old all the time, but there are times when I know for damn sure I don’t act my age. I don’t feel my age.

I don’t feel like a 40-year-old man. I’m still a man-child.

It’s sad I know, but that’s how I feel and, in a way, that’s how I see myself.

Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I haven’t really pursued being in a relationship.

Maybe that’s why I choose to be single.

Many people are right. My relationship status is a choice.

There’s a large part of me doesn’t want to be in a relationship. I just want a fling. Something physical. I don’t want the intimacy.

Maybe I am afraid of commitment because it means certain things.

Change.

I like change on my own terms.

I like control.

Being in relationship takes a lot of that control away.

Listening to some of my coworkers describe their marriage and their relationships, I’m scared.

That’s one thing that holds me back.

The fear of the uncertain.

So many things to consider.

So many.

Vacation mode.

Usually during my last week of work before a trip, I fall into vacation mode.

Let’s see how I roll this time.

I haven’t been able to do that for the past couple trips because of work and all the things that I needed to take care of before I leave.

Maybe if I get my shit together and get all the needed data collected in structured by Thursday, I’d be good to go.

It’ll be a struggle of me sequestering myself away from everyone, but it’s something that I need to do.

Fuck.

Especially knowing that the SharePoint Developer is leaving after this week sucks too.

Fuck.

Eh, I kind of knew he wasn’t going to last.

He knows his shit, but I don’t think his work ethic is there.

Blah.;

Eh, I’m done for the day.

I’m craving tacos.