Holy fuck shit.

That’s all I have to say at the moment.

Holy.

Fuck.

Shit.

Allergies came out of the blue this past week and it hit me hard yesterday afternoon.

Fuck.

Dying.

It’s a little over a week and a half before I turn another number.

It isn’t just another number this time. It’s another decade.

It’s ANOTHER FUCKING DECADE.

My remaining days of my thirties are winding down.

It’s going to be huge. I’m not going to lie.

I do have some reservations as to what the new decade will bring and what it will mean.

It’s a decade that will have a lot of significance for me.

It’ll be the first decade that I’ve come to terms with my father’s passing.

It’ll also be the decade that my father never lived passed.

44.

45.

How will I deal?

What is in store for me?

I don’t know.

I don’t know.

I read over my past another year older, another year wiser posts of the past few years and it seems that there was this trend that started when I was 35.

There was a trend of me coming out of my rut and becoming more of myself than I ever been.

There was a trend of me finally accepting me and not giving a fuck.

I owe a lot of it due to the therapy that I had. I owe a lot of it to me coming to terms with my father’s passing.

These past five years were very transformative.

Sure, I’m still the same but I am very different.

I went back to basics, but I also tested my comfort zones.

There were many many ups and there were definitely many many downs and lows.

Life.

It’s a roller coaster ride, but it’s a fun and thrilling one for this little anti-social hermit.

I’ve grown so much.

I feel that I became more of me in the past five years than I did in the previous 10.

Old.

Age.

Growth.

It’s a constant.

I didn’t know what I was going to do this morning.

I thought that I was going to continue the python class, but my mind isn’t clear.

Tired.

Didn’t sleep well the past few nights after getting better from my cold.

I’ve been waking up around 3AM again and can’t turn my brain off. I start thinking about work. My mind starts wandering, day dreaming instead of night dreaming.

I can’t turn it off.

My brain.

I wish I could just mute the thoughts until morning, but it’s a battle. A constant battle. Always a battle.

The only time that I was able to turn off my brain was when I was drugged.

I don’t want to take pills to go to sleep. I have no problems falling asleep. I have problems staying asleep.

Work doesn’t help.

Stress.

It’s similar to the feeling that I had with the whole SharePoint dev. I don’t want to fuck it up.

It’s the same for the database project. It’s huge. Massive. I’m the only one that is working on it.

It’s stressful.

Unlike the SharePoint project, I’m very optimistic about it. I think when we get all the data squared away, we should be good.

We should be good.

Optimism.

We’re good.

Instead of working, I decided I’m taking a break from all school or classes or learning things until after my little special weekend break.

I’m going to zen the fuck out in nature to recharge my soul and I’ll come back a new number and a new decade.

Fuck I’m old.

I know that age is nothing but a number.

I act old all the time, but there are times when I know for damn sure I don’t act my age. I don’t feel my age.

I don’t feel like a 40-year-old man. I’m still a man-child.

It’s sad I know, but that’s how I feel and, in a way, that’s how I see myself.

Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I haven’t really pursued being in a relationship.

Maybe that’s why I choose to be single.

Many people are right. My relationship status is a choice.

There’s a large part of me doesn’t want to be in a relationship. I just want a fling. Something physical. I don’t want the intimacy.

Maybe I am afraid of commitment because it means certain things.

Change.

I like change on my own terms.

I like control.

Being in relationship takes a lot of that control away.

Listening to some of my coworkers describe their marriage and their relationships, I’m scared.

That’s one thing that holds me back.

The fear of the uncertain.

So many things to consider.

So many.

Vacation mode.

Usually during my last week of work before a trip, I fall into vacation mode.

Let’s see how I roll this time.

I haven’t been able to do that for the past couple trips because of work and all the things that I needed to take care of before I leave.

Maybe if I get my shit together and get all the needed data collected in structured by Thursday, I’d be good to go.

It’ll be a struggle of me sequestering myself away from everyone, but it’s something that I need to do.

Fuck.

Especially knowing that the SharePoint Developer is leaving after this week sucks too.

Fuck.

Eh, I kind of knew he wasn’t going to last.

He knows his shit, but I don’t think his work ethic is there.

Blah.;

Eh, I’m done for the day.

I’m craving tacos.

Brain. Fried.

My brain is fried. Mush. A gooey glob of ectoplasm of nothingness.

That’s how I feel after this past week at work.

The database project is crunching along and then it hits a stop because I can’t work out some logic on how some information should be categorized.

Planning.

I’m such a planner, working on understanding workflows.

I think I may have figured out a workaround after talking to a few people, but I’ll see how things go.

Work.

It’s killing me.

It’s fun, but hot damn if I’m not a hot mess after thinking about it.

Break.

I know I told myself I was going to get back to finishing my python class that is way overdue, but I’m taking another day. Maybe tomorrow and then I’ll continue signing up for classes after my birthday.

I need a break.

I need some time.

I’ll get back to it, but I need time.

I need a little spring break to recharge my brain and my body. Fill it with fresh air and some busy activity and nature and I’ll come back fresh, better minded tackling new information and work.

Break.

I need one.

Cloud reached out to me Tuesday with some bad news. Thien has leukemia.

She was diagnosed with Acute Promyelocytic Leukemia. Doing a quick research online, it seems that it’s one of the better ones to have. Very high survivability rate and easy to cure.

She’ll be taking chemo for the next few weeks and then she’ll be going on a vitamin regiment to keep it from coming back. She’ll be out of the ICU in the next few weeks.

I believe she’s a senior at the UW now and will have to miss Spring Quarter to recover, but her health is more important than her schooling.

I’m sorry and saddened to hear the news, but it’s good news for what she has.

She has a strong support group in all her family. She’s in my thoughts and I hope for a speedy and safe recovery.

People watching.

Things are slow.

Today is slow.

I sit and watch.

I try to put words together, but they don’t come.

I don’t know what to do, so I watch.

I prep myself, thinking about dinner, lunch, and what I need to do at home.

I prep myself for the wedding tomorrow.

I prep myself.

Mercury should be out of retrograde early next week.

No more miscommunication. No more fuck ups.

It’s Aries season.

My season.

The astrological new year.

Apparently, it’ll be good for everyone. Let’s see.

Let’s see.

Who’s love?

I don’t know.

But, I know, at this moment in my life, the most important love is mine of myself.

That’s important and everyone should know that. In the end, that’s all that matters.

So much comes from loving yourself.

Acceptance.

Confidence.

Joy.

High.

So much.

We all should work at loving ourselves.

It’s healthy.

Be healthy.

The sun’s out today.

It feels like summer, finally. Back to SoCal weather that everyone loves.

It’s okay in my book. Glad that we broke out of the cloudiness that was hanging around for the past few weeks.

I was feeling it.

The ickiness.

It’s at bay. It didn’t come at me strong. It was just there, in the back of my mind.

I need to keep it at bay.

I hope to keep it at bay.

I will keep it at bay.

What do I have planned on this lovely and gorgeous day?

Nothing per usual.

Staying in the house. Catching up on my shows and movies.

So many.

So behind.

I did some light cleaning this morning and I have the rest of the afternoon and the weekend to unwind.

No cooking planned, but I’m aching to bake something.

I don’t know why, but I want to bake.

I know I use to associate baking with the ickiness, the lost years of muddled thoughts.

Now, I think I just want to eat something baked.

Scones?

Biscuits?

Cinnamon rolls?

No idea.

Something.

Just something.

I’ll figure something out. I usually do.

I want to be somewhat productive this weekend as I plan to lounge and do nothing.

Something.

Brain.

Writing.

It’s different.

It’s changed so much.

My style.

Can’t connect thoughts. I can’t connect into my consciousness anymore.

It’s not deep. All shallow and superficial.

These aren’t anything like my earlier entries. Honest and open.

It was me baring my soul.

It was my therapy.

With each word, each entry, my anger subsides until it boils again.

It was a few steps forward and leaps back, but slowly, progress.

There was progress.

Look at me now.

Look at my previous entry.

To be liked.

People like me.

They like who I am.

They appreciate me.

To be liked.

Does that fix everything, or did I fix most things so I can be liked?

I’m sure it goes hand-in-hand.

Progress.

Age.

Honesty.

A Whole New World.

It was a whole new world all right. It was a different me.

Touching upon what happened last week at the happy hour, I sang karaoke for the first time in years on a stage.

The Debs Cama put our name down for a duet and that’s the song we sung.

I sang the princess part, of course.

Of course.

I felt fine. I wasn’t shy. I wasn’t afraid.

It was what it was, and it was something old, but new.

Something.

Different.

It’s the new me. It’s a better me.

Enjoying life.

Enjoying my surroundings.

Enjoying whatever it is that I’m doing.

Now I’m in a Whole New World…with me.

Classes are over.

Submitted my Advanced SQL final a few days ago and I’m ready to chill. I’m going to take a week or two off before I get back to the outstanding Python class and then start something new.

The next few classes will be online classes through EDX or some other online school. No UCLA on the agenda for the next few quarters. I need to know when I’m not traveling so I can be available to go into class if needs be. I’m not worried about classes where they are free, but if I’m paying for UCLA Extension classes, I should be available.

I wasn’t too worried for the Intro to SQL because I knew SQL.

These days.

It’s all about being better and learning more. I have a lot riding on this big project. I want it to help the agency. I want to help everyone involved and make their work easier. It’s all about efficiency.

Let’s do this.

Again, if it works, maybe I can pivot into a different role within the agency and change my day to day from SharePoint to more of a data science field. I’m working towards it.

Work.

It’s taking over my life, but it’s a good take over. I feel important. I feel like I’m doing something a little different and learning new things and making an effort to be a better person.

Work.

Work.

2019.

We’re a good 2.5 months in and in a month, it’ll be rolling another number.

It’s a year of change.

I can already see it. I can already feel it.

Change.

Positivity.

Being better.

Change.

There’ll be a lot of change, as I gear up for 40.

It’ll be a new phase in Adulthood.

It’ll be a new phase in live.

A few weeks ago, I had a weird dream that was about the change.

My car was wrecked. Totaled and I don’t know how it got that way.

I don’t remember much of the details of how my car got wrecked. I don’t remember driving. I don’t remember if it was even my fault.

All I remember was me walking around my car looking over the damage. The whole time surveying the car, I kept thinking that I have to have a fucking car payment now.

I kept thinking about money and how it’s going to affect my life. I was worried about money.

Usually when I wreck my car in the dream, I’m usually the one driving. It’s usually me driving a manual transmission, which I know how to drive, but am not a pro at. My life is out of control. The car, my life, is under my guidance, and I couldn’t control it and I flip and damage the car.

I usually wake up or move onto the next dream after the wreck. I don’t see the car. I don’t see the aftermath. All I know is me in my car, upside down. I done fucked up.

This dream was very different. I don’t remember being behind the wheel. I don’t even think I was the one driving.

I survived. I see the aftermath of the damage. I’m surveying it. My life, over.

I need to get a new life and it’ll be expensive. It’ll put me in debt.

My life. It’s over.

I have a new one.

Very interesting.

Change.

Endings.

Beginnings.

2019.

40.

Just around the corner.

A new me.

A better me.

A different me.

Change.

Me.

It’s been a while since I’ve gone to a happy hour. Went to one on Thursday.

It was for Nikki’s going away. I think she was the first one on my shit list. She’s going to some digital agency doing social media for some biotech or something. No idea, but I had an interesting conversation with her.

Confidence.

Intimidating.

I see myself in a different way than how most of my peers see me.

I have two dichotomous personas. One is my normal day to day when I’m by myself and not at work. The other is my work persona.

Everyone knows my work persona. They see me as the angry social butterfly that I tend to be at work.

I see myself as the boring quiet hermit that has no friends.

Many see me as the smart, confident, sometimes intimidating guy who knows his shit.

I’ve been hearing a lot from many people that they like my fuck people philosophy and directness and forwardness.

I do believe, fuck people, ’cause fuck people. They’re the worse.

And honestly, I just don’t like bullshit. Just fuck the bullshit and get to the truth of everything. Don’t beat around the bush, be direct and tell me what you want. I ain’t got no times for games.

I ain’t got no time for social decorum.

I found it a little funny that N-Funka told her boy that she liked me and that I spoke to her soul.

Fascinating.

But, it’s good to see and hear that people like me for who I am.

I guess it’s always nice to be liked.

Here’s to be liked.

Wet.

Still wet.

We had a break there for a few days, but it’s back again.

Wet.

Rain.

Another storm moves through SoCal.

Hopefully it’ll be the last one and we can get back to the California weather that I take for granted.

I just don’t like the cold, but it is warming up.

This past February was the coldest February in over 70 something years. It never reached 70 degrees.

How about that?

Global warming? Fucking damn straight you fucking deniers.

Misting.

Wetness.

It’ll be over soon.

Fucking Dell and its battery issues.

It is what it is. I can deal with it until it is time to get a new laptop.

My life consists of nothing but work and alone time.

There’s a little socializing sprinkled in as I go about my day at work, but overall, it’s a good balance of people and solitude.

I have my little weekend routine of figuring out what to cook, getting groceries, coming out to Volcano to either do school work, online classes, or writing.

Then I’ll head home and be a hermit, continuing with school work or being a potato.

Life.

On my own terms.

Life.

Balance.

Recharge.

That’s all that I can ask for at the moment.

Life.

I go about my life doing what I need to.

It’s a life that I’m comfortable with and I don’t know. There might be change in the future. I’m open to it, if it is right.

If not, then what’s the point?

Sedona.

Finally booked my trip.

All is set and locked. I just need to do research and figure out exactly what I’m going to do.

Special Weekend.

I can’t wait.

Alone.

Nature.

Hiking.

The beautiful red rocks of Arizona.

I’ve always wanted to go back ever since I drove through it back in 2012 with Pickles.

Life just got in the way as did other trips and plans.

Now is the time.

Now is the moment.

No more waiting.

Sedona. It’s on.

It’ll be a trip without Pickles.

We’ll have to take another more dog friendly trip later. It’ll be a road trip of exploring a city that we’ve never been.

Let’s see how that goes.

No Pickles.

The trails and parks aren’t dog friendly.

Pickles is at an age where he can’t really hike that much anymore, even if the trails are friendly.

Getting old sucks.

School.

Classes.

What’s next?

I think I’m going to take a break from UCLA and do online classes next. I’m more concerned about missing class for the vacation than anything else and I think I need a break.

I prefer to go at my own pace at the moment as I try and settle into online classes.

Maybe during summer quarter, I’ll get back on for something.

Also, I’m not sure what classes are available next quarter anyway.

But, yes, I’m not giving up on my education just yet. Just taking a small break from the paid classes.

It’ll help with work.

I know it well.

There are a lot of data initiatives that are going on and I want to help. I want it to be something that I do.

I want to pivot away from some of my current responsibilities.

Let’s see how that goes.

Data Science

It’s where it’s at.

Relaxation.

Zen.

Art.

I haven’t done any.

I’m in the middle of a self-portrait and life just got in the way.

The SQL class is kicking my ass and I’m just lazy at work.

Life.

Maybe it is the weather.

Rain.

Gray.

Too much like home.

Maybe I’ll do it tonight and start my reading tomorrow so I can take the SQL quiz. Let’s do that. I need a break from everything and just Zen out.

I want to finish this portrait. It’s going to be ugly.

It’s going to be bad.

I still need practice and hopefully by next year, I can do another portrait and compare how things are.

Ambitious.

I’m a little too ambitious on how I want my art work to be.

I’m a little too ambitious on how I want my skill set to be.

I need to be a little more patient.

I need to be a little more lenient.

Skill takes time.

Mastery takes time.

I just got back into it for the past couple months after years away from doing anything fine art related.

Patience.

Have better expectations of how things should be.

I’ll take another crack today at my nose and mouth.

I can do better.

Rain.

Mists.

Another wet day.

Another rainy day.

Just checked the forecast for the next week and there’s more rain on the way.

Fun.

Looking forward to it.

I know I miss the rain, but I do miss the sunshine.

Ugh, maybe I am becoming or have become a true Californian.

Probably not.