You ain’t no friend of mine.

Tired. Sick.

Still fucking sick.

I can’t believe it.

It started Monday morning and it blossomed into something more.

I took Monday and Tuesday off because I know that I can’t be sick during Uncle’s ceremony and funeral.

Adulting.

It’s about making the big decisions in life.

Adulting.

I had to do it.

It was needed time off, I guess, but I wish I was a little more productive.

But I wasn’t.

I managed to do some work during those two days, but not enough.;

Now, I have a backlog of development to do, but hey, I’m cool as a bird about it.

Cool as a bird.

It was a rainy week.

One of the rainiest weeks in the past few years. It dropped about 5 inches of rain and it happened during the week of Uncle’s funeral.

Overall, the funeral went well. It went smoothly. Nothing out of the norm.

I picked up mom, uncle and auntie from the airport early Wednesday morning and we went directly to the temple, where we stayed for the remainder of the day.

I didn’t get home until 11 at night.

I had to board Pickles because I knew I won’t be home, and I can’t drive home to take him out.

Adulting.

It was a week of adulting.

I had to help 7th Uncle-in-Law run some errands and that was my role at any of these things. I’m on hand to help.

It was a cold day. It was a rainy day.

Cold. Wet.

But it was worth it.

I haven’t seen that side of the family in way too long and it’s unfortunate that this is the reason why I was seeing them again. I was hoping that it would be Chinese New Year’s, but alas, it wasn’t the case.

I’ll be there this year. I made a promise to Great Auntie.

I’ll spend New Year’s Eve with her.

Heartbroken.

Guilty.

More later.

The day of the burial was fine. I had to change my plans because of 14th Uncle and the weather, so we got the cemetery early and didn’t really know where the site was.

Thankfully I found the caravan again.

I did my duty. I was on hand to help.

I passed out the Leisee — the lucky red envelopes.

I had to, not because I was told to, but again, it’s my role. It’s my duty.

It rained hard that morning. It cleared up a bit as Uncle’s casket went down. Then the rain cleared up.

Fitting.

Very fitting.

It was a sad week. The world was crying at his loss and when he was laid to rest, the world rested, as did we all.

Over.

The rest of the afternoon was chauffeuring everyone around after lunch to get their precious dried seafood: sea cucumbers and fish maw.

Then we went back to Great Aunties and chilled.

Man, the guilt I felt when Great Auntie saw me. She missed me so much and thought about me all the time, wondering why I haven’t visited in so long.

Heartbroken.

Pain.

My heart hearts.

I felt so bad.

I’ll try and make more of an effort to go visit this year.

Work should be slowing down and less stressful.

Keeping positive this year.

Keeping things at bay and being handled.

It’ll be good.

It’ll be great.

January.

Los Angeles.

It’s raining today and will continue to rain through the remainder of the week.

Last Saturday, Jun called me with news that Great Uncle passed away that morning. I think he was about 89 or 90.

His health hasn’t been good for a while. He’s stayed in the hospice for the past year or two and I haven’t been visiting the family in the past two years or so. I haven’t been going as frequently as I use to.

Life.

Laziness.

Me.

The ceremony and funeral will be Wednesday and Thursday this week. Mom’s coming down with 14th Uncle and Auntie and I’m taking the days off to go.

I wish that the next time that I’d see family would be at Jun’s wedding, but it’s not the case.

I have to say goodbye.

I need to.

He and his family had been a big part of my life after I moved down here. They were my family for a while, hanging out with them on Sundays.

Life.

Laziness.

Me.

I need to be there.

I need to say goodbye.

Death.

End.

Endings.

A new beginning.

Letting things go.

Dreams.

Mind flickers.

Maybe it’s because of Great Uncle’s passing, but I had a few dreams last night that really struck out to me that I remembered them.

The first one had to do with Ms D.

I don’t know why or how things transpired or what I was doing in the dream, but I get a call from her. She wanted to call me to tell me that she’s in a relationship with someone. For some reason it is Hipster Cheline.

I don’t know why it’s such a prevalent dream. I haven’t seen her in years and any contact has only been through social media and texting out of the blue because we had questions about trips that we were planning on doing.

Looking at her social media, I know that she’s single. For some reason, my brain interprets it as her being in a relationship.

I had a big thing for her and some part of me still thinks about her from time to time, but I don’t know why it’s such a big dream and why it comes at this time.

Is it saying that I’m moving on? I thought I moved on for a while now. I don’t know.

I mean, a few weeks ago she was at her friend’s and I didn’t even contact her. I’m sure she would have come out and say hi, but I didn’t make an effort.

Of course, I thought it’d be very creepy and rude, but that’s me. I’m sure others would have made the effort.

Maybe that’s the thing, I don’t make and effort.

She’s moving on.

Maybe I’m moving on.

I don’t know.

I really don’t know.

Hipster Cheline then shows up later in my other dream.

This is the one that I really want to get down.

Again, maybe it’s because Great Uncle passing away that I have death in the back of my mind. Maybe that’s why it’s bringing up memories, thoughts, of the Buddhist ceremony and funeral.

I dreamt about Dad passing away.

Instead of him passing away the way he did when I was younger at that time, he passed away now, when I’m 39 and he committed suicide instead of having a heart attack.

It was the usual routine. My brother called me to tell me the new. I was shocked.

I was then driving home home alone, numb, not paying attention to anything. I was driving back to my childhood home back in South Tacoma on L Street.

I stopped short of turning into the driveway and then my brother barges through with his car and parks in the driveway instead.

I apologized. My fault. I shouldn’t have stopped.

I had problems starting my car again. I wanted to park it on the street instead, out of the road, but couldn’t get it to stop.

Leislie in Finance helped me.

My friends and coworkers were there to help me.

I’m 39.

My dad committed suicide.

It was a weird dream.

Later, I was talking with my brother and I asked him how he committed suicide. Was it with a gun? Hung himself? Knife?

For some reason I was adamant of wanting to know how he did himself. I didn’t ask why, but how.

He wouldn’t tell me. I pleaded with my brother. He refused.

I lost it.

I was wailing. I had to know. I had the right to know. I was in full weeping tantrum.

Mom and my friends came in to check on the commotion and they find me hysterical.

I’m 39.

My dad just died.

In my dream, he just died.

In my dreams, I had another 15 years with him.

In my dreams, he’s been here this whole time and he decided to kill himself.

In my dreams.

Only in my dreams could my dad ever be with me for another 15 years….

…and he killed himself.

Later, I don’t know where I am, ceremony, out at lunch, just somewhere alone, I see Hipster Cheline coming up to me at an empty parking lot trying to keep me company or something.

I don’t see Ms. D anywhere, but just him.

Weird.

Definitely weird.

Death.

In dreams they usually mean change.

It’s an end of something and a beginning of another.

What does it mean?

I don’t know.

I’m moving on from Ms. D? I’ve done that.

I’m trying to change my old ways? Possibly.

I’m killing myself? I’m killing the old me and shifting, becoming someone new?

I’m ready to be in a relationship?

I’m open to a relationship with someone that is expected but unexpected at the same time?

I don’t know.

Weird.

Dreams.

Death.

Life.

Me.

January.

Los Angeles.

It’s raining today and will continue to rain through the remainder of the week.

Last Saturday, Jun called me with news that Great Uncle passed away that morning. I think he was about 89 or 90.

His health hasn’t been good for a while. He’s stayed in the hospice for the past year or two and I haven’t been visiting the family in the past two years or so. I haven’t been going as frequently as I use to.

Life.

Laziness.

Me.

The ceremony and funeral will be Wednesday and Thursday this week. Mom’s coming down with 14th Uncle and Auntie and I’m taking the days off to go.

I wish that the next time that I’d see family would be at Jun’s wedding, but it’s not the case.

I have to say goodbye.

I need to.

He and his family had been a big part of my life after I moved down here. They were my family for a while, hanging out with them on Sundays.

Life.

Laziness.

Me.

I need to be there.

I need to say goodbye.

Death.

End.

Endings.

A new beginning.

Letting things go.

Dreams.

Mind flickers.

Maybe it’s because of Great Uncle’s passing, but I had a few dreams last night that really struck out to me that I remembered them.

The first one had to do with Ms D.

I don’t know why or how things transpired or what I was doing in the dream, but I get a call from her. She wanted to call me to tell me that she’s in a relationship with someone. For some reason it is Hipster Cheline.

I don’t know why it’s such a prevalent dream. I haven’t seen her in years and any contact has only been through social media and texting out of the blue because we had questions about trips that we were planning on doing.

Looking at her social media, I know that she’s single. For some reason, my brain interprets it as her being in a relationship.

I had a big thing for her and some part of me still thinks about her from time to time, but I don’t know why it’s such a big dream and why it comes at this time.

Is it saying that I’m moving on? I thought I moved on for a while now. I don’t know.

I mean, a few weeks ago she was at her friend’s and I didn’t even contact her. I’m sure she would have come out and say hi, but I didn’t make an effort.

Of course, I thought it’d be very creepy and rude, but that’s me. I’m sure others would have made the effort.

Maybe that’s the thing, I don’t make and effort.

She’s moving on.

Maybe I’m moving on.

I don’t know.

I really don’t know.

Hipster Cheline then shows up later in my other dream.

This is the one that I really want to get down.

Again, maybe it’s because Great Uncle passing away that I have death in the back of my mind. Maybe that’s why it’s bringing up memories, thoughts, of the Buddhist ceremony and funeral.

I dreamt about Dad passing away.

Instead of him passing away the way he did when I was younger at that time, he passed away now, when I’m 39 and he committed suicide instead of having a heart attack.

It was the usual routine. My brother called me to tell me the new. I was shocked.

I was then driving home home alone, numb, not paying attention to anything. I was driving back to my childhood home back in South Tacoma on L Street.

I stopped short of turning into the driveway and then my brother barges through with his car and parks in the driveway instead.

I apologized. My fault. I shouldn’t have stopped.

I had problems starting my car again. I wanted to park it on the street instead, out of the road, but couldn’t get it to stop.

Leslie in Finance helped me.

My friends and coworkers were there to help me.

I’m 39.

My dad committed suicide.

It was a weird dream.

Later, I was talking with my brother and I asked him how he committed suicide. Was it with a gun? Hung himself? Knife?

For some reason I was adamant of wanting to know how he did himself. I didn’t ask why, but how.

He wouldn’t tell me. I pleaded with my brother. He refused.

I lost it.

I was wailing. I had to know. I had the right to know. I was in full weeping tantrum.

Mom and my friends came in to check on the commotion and they find me hysterical.

I’m 39.

My dad just died.

In my dream, he just died.

In my dreams, I had another 15 years with him.

In my dreams, he’s been here this whole time and he decided to kill himself.

In my dreams.

Only in my dreams could my dad ever be with me for another 15 years….

…and he killed himself.

Later, I don’t know where I am, ceremony, out at lunch, just somewhere alone, I see Hipster Cheline coming up to me at an empty parking lot trying to keep me company or something.

I don’t see Ms. D anywhere, but just him.

Weird.

Definitely weird.

Death.

In dreams they usually mean change.

It’s an end of something and a beginning of another.

What does it mean?

I don’t know.

I’m moving on from Ms. D? I’ve done that.

I’m trying to change my old ways? Possibly.

I’m killing myself? I’m killing the old me and shifting, becoming someone new?

I’m ready to be in a relationship?

I’m open to a relationship with someone that is expected but unexpected at the same time?

I don’t know.

Weird.

Dreams.

Death.

Life.

Me.

2019.

Here we are.

The first post.

I originally planned on picking up where I left off on my python class, but I woke up with a headache and decided to just write instead.

It’s so early. What is there to write? What is there to talk about?

Mind flickers.

Dreams.

I know that I wrote about my dreams before and about exactly what I’m going to chat about now, but it’s worth mentioning.

I don’t think much about my dreams anymore. I don’t remember most of them. Some days I do. Others, not so much.

I wake up and pay them no mind.

It’s not like when I was younger when I kept a dream journal and would remember my dreams in great detail.

Now, they’re a fading memory in the morning mind-rush to fight off sleep and wake.

I remember a few dreams I had last night.

Details of one, not so much. The other, some vague details.

I remember I’m driving my car or parked somewhere. I was just chilling. Don’t remember why I’m there, but I’m there.

A group of very young girls decided to just get in my car and now they refuse to leave. I’m being nice and they’re being flirty and they refuse to leave. Not sure why they won’t leave or why they decided to get into my car, but they are there. Not sure why they are flirting with me either.

I got out of the car and I think a teacher, or someone is trying to get them out of my car.

I see some dude on the street who I know, and I catch up with him and am genuinely having a good time catching up.

Nothing special.

Nothing really mind blowing.

Why am I writing about my dreams?

Well, I wouldn’t mind remember my dreams more and maybe get back to interpreting them again Maybe.

No, I just find dreams fascinating, especially how they compare to how my dreams were when I was younger.

I know I wrote about this before, but it bears repeating, man, the dynamics of the dreams changes so much based on what’s going on in your life.

It’s fascinating.

I’ve come so far in my dreams.

Here I am interacting with people. Having conversations, fights, being a presence in their lives.

Before, when I was younger, in high school and college, I was so lost in my life. Never felt that I fit in anywhere or still trying to find who I am and my place in this world.

I would go through my dreams by myself, lost in a sea of people. I would not interact with anyone or I always felt I was lost or being chased.

Not so much anymore.

I know what I’m going.

I know where I’m going.

I have direction.

I have agency.

I am.

I be.

I’ve come so far in my life.

Nearly 40 and comfortable in my skin.

I know who I am down to my core and there’s always definitely more room for growth.

So much has changed in my life.

I’ve grown so much.

Many of my struggles and demons that I fought way back when are no longer. Some are still there.

I have new ones.

Life.

I see.

I look at things with a different eye. Well, not so different, just a familiar eye that I haven’t used in a long time.

I looked at things a little differently when I was actively shooting pictures for my 365 projects.

I’m back at it and now I’m adding digital art to it.

On my walks I look at the trees, buildings, things with an eye for shading, color, composition, and other aspects.

It’s good. It’s been a while since I started to look at things like this.

It brings me back to a calmer time in my life when I felt my creative juices flowing.

It’s great to be back.

Since I’ve gotten the new laptop and started to do digital art, I have finished a few pieces and learned more about the software that I’m using.

I created an Flickr album for it.

I said I was going to post about 10 pieces for 2019. Judging by the rate I’m going, it might be a lot more.

This seems like my new obsession. This is like me baking bread again where it’s all that I do and all that I focus on.

Art.

Making art.

Fine art.

It’s good to be back.

It’s good to see that I am making some progress.

I have such high hopes and ambitions on how good I get.

Let’s see where I end up.

The last one I did of Pickles: Lay Doggy Lay: Sports Night took me three nights to do. I have about 15 minutes on the season 1 finale.

The pieces before were done in one night, one sitting, besides the Majestic Fucking Mountains because I watched the tutorial video while doing the painting.

It’ll take more time with each piece. They’ll finish when they finish.

I have the rest of the year to do 9 pieces.

Time shouldn’t be a constraint.

I want to do pieces that are specific to a different type of art style or different type of discipline.

I did an Impressionism work. I did a Bob Ross type of painting. I’ve done one with “oil painting”.

I want to do some charcoal drawings. I want to do watercolor.

I want to do so much.

So so much.

I’ve started to gather some creative inspiration in a OneNote to give me some ideas to do.

Art.

It’s meditation.

It’s a new way to keep mindfulness.

I’m not thinking about much of anything besides the art work that’s before me.

It’s calming.

My brain turns off and focuses on each stroke, each line.

It’s Zen.

I don’t know why, but I decided to title my pieces along with the movie or show that I was watching at the time when I was doing it.

For example: Fucking Color – Infinity War

It was my first real attempt. I didn’t know what I was doing. I mainly was me fucking around with the software and the tool to learn how the layers work. It was to learn the different brushes and see what it does.

I had Avengers: Infinity War playing in the background while I was doing it.

When I finished, I just added it to the title, and I guess that’s the thing that I’m going to do with it.

Art.

Peaceful.

Zen.

Looking forward to doing more.