The year winds down to its last remaining weeks.

The back of my throat itches. My body gives up on me.

It’s been a while since I felt sick and I think it’s about that time again.

Work drains me.

I haven’t taken care of myself.

It all comes crashing down and yet, I’m here, out and about at my local spot.

Whatever I had plans today will not happen.

I intend to do nothing.

Not think.

Not ponder.

Not dream.

Sleep.

Rest.

Reflect.

The company Christmas party happened on Thursday night. It’s probably one of the reasons why I’m feeling the way that I’m feeling now.

Was out too late.

Overall, I had one and I set out to do what I wanted to do: DON’T GET FUCKING PLASTERED AND BLACK OUT.

I think I was fully conscious the whole night as I limited myself and paced myself on the amount of whiskey I imbibed.

I was vertical the next day.

That was a problem the last two years. I wasn’t so much vertical, but horizontal, on the floor, at work.

Standing!

It was a good night. I had a fun and uneventful night.

I calmed my nerves with Jeff, grabbing a few drinks at Cabo before the party.

The rest of the night was just mingling and people watching.

There were little cheers here and chit-chatting there.

I wandered. I paced.

The night passes in a fuzzy blur.

I got a lot of compliments that night. I looked dapper in my suit.

Everyone loved the new haircut. It was like I was a different person. People aren’t used to it.

Growing up. My way to adulting.

TANGENT

It’s been a while since I’d a proper haircut. It’s been a while since I’ve gone to the barber to cut my hair.

2013.

Early 2013. Right before my mid-life-crisis.

I went back to my usual and the barber is still there. He recognizes me and remembers how I like my hair as he tells it to the guy cutting my hair.

At the end he asked if I moved because I haven’t been in in a while.

Too funny, but it’s the little things like having people remember you.

Sometimes humanity surprises me a little.

END TANGENT

Overall, I did have fun. My social anxiety was kept under control for the most part.

I don’t know what I was expecting or hoped would happen, but overall, it was good.

It was great seeing Ms. Good Bar flipping me off and exclaiming that she hates me.

The Panicker tries to start shit with me every time she’s drunk. I find that fascinating and funny.

I left the King’s Head and went home after 12:30 and saw Benjo and Jeff were still there, fucked.

Apparently, they went to the Gas Lite after too.

I’m too old to that. Fucking old.

Tired.

Now I’m sick.

Friday, I was vertical.

Success.

It was a fucking long ass day and I hated it, but I was vertical.

It could have been much worse.

Success.

Pivot.

Growth.

Change.

Pivot my life.

Pivot my direction.

It’ll be a few more months before I hit a new number. It’ll be a new decade.

40.

Soon.

Pivot.

Changes.

Adulting.

I don’t know why, but I’m thinking more about my future, about who I am, and where do I see myself.

I think about my job and what possible changes can happen. I think about if I want to stay in the same role or should I expand and maybe pivot.

A new direction.

A new responsibility.

I don’t know.

Life.

40.

What is there to expect?

Adulting.

That’s on the schedule, but what exactly does that mean?

I know when I tell people that I plan on adulting, growing up, and they tell me don’t. Not worth it.

Not worth it, indeed, but I need to know about it before I can reject it.

Life.

Adulting.

Relationships.

Is it finally time to allow for the possibility, to let things — strings, go and see what is in front of me.

I don’t know what is in front of me.

Is it right?

I know I can pivot it to what I want.

But is that fair?

I could be wrong.

It could be great.

But is it right.

Allow.

Let what will be, be.

Pivot.

Adulting.

What will be, will be.