2018.

I appreciate your sense of humor.

I really do.

One last fuck you to end it all, huh?

After I told you I was going to tempt the Universe.

One last fuck you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I lost my wallet.

Not sure where it went.

Did a deep cleaning yesterday and by the end of it, gone.

I dug through the garbage.

Nothing.

Dug through the recycle bins.

Nothing.

Drawers.

Cabinets.

Nothing.

C’est la vie.

Fuck it.

Sigh.

2018.

You’re good.

You’re good.

I like you humor.

One last fuck you.

Good.

I’ll follow you into the dark…

Zen.

Calm.

Tired.

Every time I go floating I come out tired. Drained.

It’s a good drained. A good tired.

It’s like a feeling of deep rest.

I noticed something this time that I didn’t really noticed before. During the times when I’m able to focus and clear my mind, besides the auroras of green that I usually see when I close my eyes, I see a shade of blue and gray.

I don’t know what it means, if it means anything, but I never noticed it before.

Sometimes the blue would sparkle and brighten, then fade into the muted blue gray as it twirls and dances with the green.

Maybe that’s the color of my aura?

I don’t know.

I don’t know what it means, but it’ll be interesting to find out.

Looking at some website, it seems that people who have blue auras are some of the most loving, nurturing, and supportive personalities of the life colors. They live from their heart and emotions. Source: Aura Colors

It’s fitting I guess, if it is true.

I don’t know how much to believe in it. Again, I don’t know what my real color is.

Tired.

Loving.

I lead from the heart.

The heart huh?

The 29th.

A few more days and it’ll be the New Year.

I’m making my way through the things that I wanted to do during the break.

I’m cleaning.

I’m clearing out some clutter.

I’m finishing up my python online class.

Slowly.

I’m chipping away at it.

I signed up for a Power BI class that’ll start on the 31st.

Slowly.

So much to do. So little time.

It’s not that I don’t have time. I have all the time in the world, especially during the break.

I’m lazy.

I’ve been focused on something else during the break.

Art.

Digital Art.

Drawing.

Painting.

It’s by happenstance really.

It’s all because of the new laptop. It came with a stylus/pen and that gave me an idea to do some drawings and now I’m hooked.

I’ve been wanting to go back to fine art for a while now.

I’ve always wanted to learn how to paint.

I’ve always wanted to get back into drawing.

Now’s my chance.

It’s not like I never had opportunities before. I did.

I could have gone the old manual paper, pencil, and pens way, but that’s just too much.

I’m lazy.

This might give me more of an incentive to get back into it.

Formal art classes.

Drawing classes. Painting classes.

I don’t know.

We shall see.

It’ll definitely be a part of this growth that I’m going through. It’ll definitely be a part of this adulting process.

It’ll be good.

I’ve been doing this for a few days now and finished two pieces.

One’s an abstract piece.

Modern art.

I put color to canvas and tried all the tools and options to figure out how to use the tool. It’s a piece where I was fucking around with the software.

Now I know why so many love to do abstract modern art. It’s easy. Put paint where it feels right.

There’s no wrong in the process.

When you think you are done, you are done.

The other piece was my first attempt at making a landscape painting like Bob Ross.

Total fail.

I didn’t have some of the necessary concepts. I didn’t understand the tools and brushes that I was using.

I’m going through a video tutorial now and this one actually looks decent.

I’m definitely getting into it.

I find it relaxing.

I find that I don’t think much about anything while I’m doing these paintings. It’s like when I’m cooking, I only focus on this one task.

I think it’ll be something that I’ll fall back on when I need to unwind and zen out.

It’s soothing.

It’s another form of meditation.

I need all of the outlets that I can get.

Looking forward to getting better though.

I have such high ambitions on where to take my art. I need patience.

Practice makes perfect.

Keep practicing.

Keep doing.

I do admit I was a little ambitious on my first attempt. I wanted to make a painting of a picture I took when I was up north. It’s the square picture of that pyramid shaped rock on the beach during the Odessa Lake hike.;

Too ambitious. Didn’t know what I was doing.

That’ll be a goal for next year.

I’ve already decided that I’ll do at least 10 pieces next year.

I’m sure I’ll do more.

A lot more.

Looking forward to it.

Superstition.

Fate.

Signs.

I usually waver back and forth on whether I believe it or not.

Sometimes I do. Other times I don’t.

It’s a crap shoot.

Sometimes I do like to temp fate and give a big fuck you to the Universe for being the big dick that it is.

Sometimes.

Why do I bring this up?

2017.

New Year’s.

That’s the year when shit really hit the fan.

It started out well enough. Many things that happened during that year never happened before, like Bo’s sending me out to do photo shoots for work.

Awesome.

But it was also the year that Relish got fucked up. It was the year when my workload and responsibilities skyrocketed. It had been nonstop stress since then.

The year started out innocent enough.

I wanted to bring back a little tradition that I had when the Carter’s were still here. I’d usually spend New Year’s Day with them and they’d usually have collared greens, black eyed peas, fried chicken, and cornbread.

So, that’s what I had. I made me all of the fixings, but did some Ralph’s fried chicken instead.

I’ve been wanting to make it again.

I’ve been thinking about it from time to time, especially this past week.

Should I do it and risk that shitty stuff will happen again?

Or am I being stupid?

I’m leaning towards me being stupid.

I need to make use of the damn ham hock that’s in the freezer and hot damn, I do miss fried chicken.

Fuck it.

Let’s do it.

Fuck fate.

Fuck superstition.

Fuck the Universe.

Be gentle.

Be nice.

I’ll follow you into the dark…

Zen.

Calm.

Tired.

Every time I go floating I come out tired. Drained.

It’s a good drained. A good tired.

It’s like a feeling of deep rest.

I noticed something this time that I didn’t really noticed before. During the times when I’m able to focus and clear my mind, besides the auroras of green that I usually see when I close my eyes, I see a shade of blue and gray.

I don’t know what it means, if it means anything, but I never noticed it before.

Sometimes the blue would sparkle and brighten, then fade into the muted blue gray as it twirls and dances with the green.

Maybe that’s the color of my aura?

I don’t know.

I don’t know what it means, but it’ll be interesting to find out.

Looking at some website, it seems that people who have blue auras are some of the most loving, nurturing, and supportive personalities of the life colors. They live from their heart and emotions. Source: Aura Colors

It’s fitting I guess, if it is true.

I don’t know how much to believe in it. Again, I don’t know what my real color is.

Tired.

Loving.

I lead from the heart.

The heart huh?

The 29th.

A few more days and it’ll be the New Year.

I’m making my way through the things that I wanted to do during the break.

I’m cleaning.

I’m clearing out some clutter.

I’m finishing up my python online class.

Slowly.

I’m chipping away at it.

I signed up for a Power BI class that’ll start on the 31st.

Slowly.

So much to do. So little time.

It’s not that I don’t have time. I have all the time in the world, especially during the break.

I’m lazy.

I’ve been focused on something else during the break.

Art.

Digital Art.

Drawing.

Painting.

It’s by happenstance really.

It’s all because of the new laptop. It came with a stylus/pen and that gave me an idea to do some drawings and now I’m hooked.

I’ve been wanting to go back to fine art for a while now.

I’ve always wanted to learn how to paint.

I’ve always wanted to get back into drawing.

Now’s my chance.

It’s not like I never had opportunities before. I did.

I could have gone the old manual paper, pencil, and pens way, but that’s just too much.

I’m lazy.

This might give me more of an incentive to get back into it.

Formal art classes.

Drawing classes. Painting classes.

I don’t know.

We shall see.

It’ll be a part of this growth that I’m going through. It’ll be a part of this adulting process.

It’ll be good.

I’ve been doing this for a few days now and finished two pieces.

One’s an abstract piece.

Modern art.

I put color to canvas and tried all the tools and options to figure out how to use the tool. It’s a piece where I was fucking around with the software.

Now I know why so many love to do abstract modern art. It’s easy. Put paint where it feels right.

There’s no wrong in the process.

When you think you are done, you are done.

The other piece was my first attempt at making a landscape painting like Bob Ross.

Total fail.

I didn’t have some of the necessary concepts. I didn’t understand the tools and brushes that I was using.

I’m going through a video tutorial now and this one actually looks decent.

I’m getting into it.

I find it relaxing.

I find that I don’t think much about anything while I’m doing these paintings. It’s like when I’m cooking, I only focus on this one task.

I think it’ll be something that I’ll fall back on when I need to unwind and Zen out.

It’s soothing.

It’s another form of meditation.

I need all the outlets that I can get.

Looking forward to getting better though.

I have such high ambitions on where to take my art. I need patience.

Practice makes perfect.

Keep practicing.

Keep doing.

I do admit I was a little ambitious on my first attempt. I wanted to make a painting of a picture I took when I was up north. It’s the square picture of that pyramid shaped rock on the beach during the Odessa Lake hike.;

Too ambitious. Didn’t know what I was doing.

That’ll be a goal for next year.

I’ve already decided that I’ll do at least 10 pieces next year.

I’m sure I’ll do more.

A lot more.

Looking forward to it.

Superstition.

Fate.

Signs.

I usually waver back and forth on whether I believe it or not.

Sometimes I do. Other times I don’t.

It’s a crap shoot.

Sometimes I do like to tempt fate and give a big fuck you to the Universe for being the big dick that it is.

Sometimes.

Why do I bring this up?

2017.

New Year’s.

That’s the year when shit really hit the fan.

It started out well enough. Many things that happened during that year never happened before, like Bo’s sending me out to do photo shoots for work.

Awesome.

But it was also the year that Relish got fucked up. It was the year when my workload and responsibilities skyrocketed. It had been nonstop stress since then.

The year started out innocent enough.

I wanted to bring back a little tradition that I had when the Carter’s were still here. I’d usually spend New Year’s Day with them, and they’d usually have collard greens, black eyed peas, fried chicken, and cornbread.

So, that’s what I had. I made me all the fixings but did some Ralph’s fried chicken instead.

I’ve been wanting to make it again.

I’ve been thinking about it from time to time, especially this past week.

Should I do it and risk that shitty stuff will happen again?

Or am I being stupid?

I’m leaning towards me being stupid.

I need to make use of the damn ham hock that’s in the freezer and hot damn, I do miss fried chicken.

Fuck it.

Let’s do it.

Fuck fate.

Fuck superstition.

Fuck the Universe.

Be gentle.

Be nice.

2018.

Well. Here we are. The end.

This is my second shot at this.

2018.

Take two.

I wrote a bit yesterday during my usual bah humbug to all, but it got fucked over.

Laptop died.

My fault. Water damage. Tea damage.

2018.

Another casualty.

2018.

I’m glad to be rid of you.

2018.

Here I am, again, now writing from home.

I hope I can replicate what I wrote yesterday, but who knows?

New day.

New start.

2018.

Let’s roll.

A Bah Humbug to all.

* * *

2018.

It was a continuation of 2017.

It’s like 2017 never ended.

Time.

Space.

2018.

Work.

Work took the most of the finite time that was 2018 and took up the most space.

I strive for a great work-life balance and I do have it. I’m not going there and bitch about it. I do have a great work-life balance, but this past year seemed the most imbalance in quite some time.

The past few years had been The Year of Phong. This past year was no different.

I’m still alone, living my life on my terms continuing in this tradition of party of one with no end in sight, but if I would give this year a new title, it’ll be: The Year of Responsibilities and Advancement: A Work Story.

2018

The Year of Responsibilities and Advancement: A Work Story.

Work.

It’s all about work.

I ended last year working through the break, migrating our Social Bridge sites and files over to SharePoint.

Finished, we started the year off with it being our tool of choice for work, storage, and collaboration.

Users were on boarded onto the system and overall it works. Documents shared. Collaboration flowing.

When SharePoint works, it works, but there are issues that we’ve been experiencing that was the biggest stressor within 2018.

We share too much.

Which almost killed our SharePoint.

2018.

Stress.

Work.

I’m the face of the platform. When there are issues, I’m the one to point fingers at. It’s my responsibility.

My stress leveled out and reached a manageable level as we created a new Developer position for SharePoint. He quit, but we found a replacement.

Now he’s the one that’s tackling the speed issue as I take a step back. He’s the one with the skillset to make things work.

Pivot.

Responsibilities.

Shift.

Work.

I hope we get this issue fixed.

2019.

Treat us better.

2018.

Besides SharePoint and my other duties, I somehow got drafted into a new project which I’m actually excited about.

It’s different.

The Data project.

I’m so invested in it that I’m actively furthering my education. I went back to school for it.

Data.

Big Data.

It’s the future.

It’s where the industry is going. It’s where everything is going.

Hopefully I’ll get some advancement and possibly pivot my responsibilities to the project and slowly shift out of Microsoft and SharePoint.

It all started because I got drafted and then I made a business decision that will help our team.

2019.

I hope for something new and fun.

I hope to return to more balance.

* * *

2018.

School.

An education.

Not just an education, but a continuing education.

I went back to school. I’m a student again and I have another class coming up next year.

It stemmed from work, but overall, I think it was more of a natural progression of want to work my brain, wanting to learn more.

I’ve been thinking more about my future and with work and all that is happening with new responsibilities and new projects, it just made sense that I get a formal education on these new advancements of technology.

I went back to school to learn SQL and Database Management. I need it. I may be the point person and the administrator of the new system for our RAI team.

I made that decision. I’m covering my ass.

2018.

A student.

I never thought I’d be a student again. I never thought about going back to school to get my Masters or a Doctorate. I didn’t know what I would go back to school for. It’ll be a waste of money since I didn’t know and I don’t want to be in debt.

But now, I see the light. I’m protecting my future.

School.

A student.

I enjoy it.

I’m using my brain again. I made an effort to better myself and to secure a better future.

2018.

Every year, I’ll say that if you aren’t learning, you aren’t growing.

It’s important to learn, to continue to obtain new knowledge.

It’s healthy.

Growth.

Besides the extension classes at UCLA, I still have a few online classes that I need to take and finish.

All for work.

All to be better.

2019.

I’m look forward to new skills and more knowledge.

* * *

Take three.

A new day.

A new laptop.

I’ll finish up this current bah humbug on this temporary Google Doc before going back to the old fashion way of doing things. Just not use to it.

So, here we go.

2018.

What a shit show.

* * *

2018.

I winds down.

Another day down and just a handful left to go.

Brain fried.

Tired.

That seemed to be a anthem for the year. Tired.

Fatigue.

My brain, drained of anything worthwhile after a busy day of work.

I don’t want to do anything.

Eat.

Unwind.

Become a vegetable in front of the television as I drift in and out of consciousness trying to pay attention to the shows that I’m watching.

Maybe I’m bored with the shows I’m watching, or maybe I’m drained, but there’s no focus at home.

I retreat into the darkness of my apartment, on my futon, not thinking and yet thinking at the same time.

Such a contradiction.

By 10 I’ll already be in bed, unwinding on the ipad catching up on news that I’ve already read and then memes.

My brain doesn’t have the capacity to read anymore.

I’ve been on Stephen King’s It for more than a year.

Brain fried.

No energy or focus.

Nothing seeps in.

I wish I could go back to reading at night again. Maybe that’s something to work on in the new year.

Reading.

Books.

Stories.

I miss them.

Let’s work on that.

Get my brain going. Ignore this fatigue.

I know it’s a new normal for the past year, year-and-a-half because of work, but I hoped that I would have adjusted by now.

It’s not the case.

2018.

Such disappointment here.

Let’s change it. Make a new normal.

Let’s go back to the old days where I’m able to sit in bed and read for hours.

There are too many books to read. I don’t have time to just let my brain die from exhaustion.

I need a little creativity in my life.

Reading.

Here’s to 2019.

* * *

Projects.

2018.

Not existent.

There were no creative projects this year.

No cooking projects.

No writing projects.

That Christmas Movie idea? Still stewing in my mind.

I thought about it and took some notes, but nothing much have came out of it.

Work got in the way.

Work.

Imbalance.

Brain fried.

No creative juices that flow.

Just a thick sludge of stagnation.

My creative mind dies.

I know a lot of it was due to time and how I manage my time. There were times when I thought I’d do some writing but I focused on my online classes instead.

Python.

Learning.

That took a forefront this past year. My focus shifted and hopefully in the new year, I’ll find a better balance.

Creativity.

Let’s get the juices flowing.

I’m thinking of doing another 365 with the iPhone. I don’t want to commit with the DSLR. Go simple.

Cooking.

I didn’t do a cooking project this year, but it didn’t stop me from cooking new things.

I’ve done a tonkotsu ramen and korean army stew and beans and rice. I’ve taken pictures of the things that I haven’t done before and I think I’ll continue to do the same.

I may start up another cooking project. 30.

Let’s do it.

Writing.

Let’s see how that goes. I’ll always have this and its entries. Maybe I’ll be a little more sporadic since I want to focus on schooling and more creative writings.

I need creative outlets.

Looking forward to it.

Let’s get back to creating.

Let’s get back to making.

* * *

2018.

Wanderlust.

Travel.

Trips were small this year.

Personal.

Short.

There were a few work trips mixed in to the regions and one to NOLA for the Tableau conference.

I wished I did more traveling.

I wished I did more hiking.

I needed to recharge. I needed nature.

I got some.

Not enough.

Looking back at the pictures, it seemed that I did a few trips.

It started with Yosemite in February. It was my first break from work. A real vacation. Short, but something.

Then it was my special weekend. Short and relaxing.

I forgot my trip to Bishop and the Eastern Sierras. It’s another place that I need to go back and visit. More hiking.

More nature.

Of course, I had the roadtrip during the summer home.

I miss road trips. I need more.

More traveling.

2019.

Just more.

I know of at least two trips. My usual special weekend and the big Spain trip.

2019 will bring flexible time off.

 

Unlimited Time Off.

 

I know I’ll have about six weeks off if I go by the amount of time I have available. I’ll use that as my basis.

Six weeks.

Let’s make something happen.

Let’s get out, chill, slow down, relax.

Wanderlust.

Traveling.

I’ll go wherever my feet will take me.

The world is my playground and I’m ready to play.

2019.

Bring it.

2018.

Thank you for all of the different trips you allowed me to make.

* * *

2018.

My loves.

My furkids.

Pickles.

Relish.

Pickles & Relish.

They both had a good year.

After last year’s trauma with Relish, she’s been in the house not exposed to anyone but Pickles.

No Chutney’s or strange dogs.

She’s back to her normal self roaming around and being her bitchy self from time to time.

Pickles.

He’s old.

He’s a troublemaker.

Pickles had some health issues this past year. I found out that they food that he was eating was causing him some stomach issues.

Now, he has peeing issues.

Old age.

I took him on our usual Boy and His Dog trip this year. Overall, he did well, besides that bout of diarrhea at the house, but other than that, he was fine.

I took him on a few hiking trips and realized that he’s too old and tired to make it. He can’t handle anything that strenuous anymore.

He needs something more simple, flatter.

Pickles. My old man.

My old son.

Besides the peeing issue, he’s in good health.

I’m making an effort to preserve him as long as I can.

I’m making an effort to preserve the both of them as long as I can.

2018.

Thank you for giving them a decent year.

No emergencies.

No trauma.

2019.

Bring it.

* * *

2018.

People.

Socializing.

Pro-Solitude.

It was unlike any of the past recent years.

Again, it was another Year of Phong. It was a lonely year, back to basics.

I did whatever I wanted.

On my own terms.

I socialized when I wanted to. I tried to keep up the Year of Yes, agreeing to outings that I get invited to.

There wasn’t many this past year, especially the second half.

I made an effort.

I go out when I wanted to.

I socialized around the office.

I get all that I need so that when I go home I can shut myself in.

Like any other year, friends, people, they come and go.

Some I reach out to, hoping that we can keep in touch and others I just let go.

That’s a part of life.

Making an effort, I guess.

Hopefully I can make more of an effort next year.

Hoping.

* * *

2018.

Family.

Surprisingly, it was a very family oriented year.

It wasn’t something that I was expecting, but I saw a lot of family this year.

Mom and bro are both doing great.

Although we didn’t get to hang out much during the summer on my trip back, we did get to do a Napa trip together after the wedding.

It was great to see him enjoy the wine and have his own tastings. He got fucked.

I went to two weddings this year.

One was Annie’s wedding this past October. Saw a lot of aunties and uncle there. It was good to see everyone and hang out with everyone.

The other was Loretta’s mini tea ceremony and banquet way back in June. It was a shit show, but it was great seeing them. I had a great time at their house when I was up during the summer too.

She’s one of the closes cousins that I have. Nothing will change that.

I actually saw Gifu’s family twice this year. One for Loretta’s banquet and the other was for Chinese New Years.

I made a stop on my way to Yosemite.

Philly.

Moorestown.

I saw the east coast family too.

It started when Linda and Sung flew out here during the summer. I spent a day with them.

I stayed with them when I was out in Moorestown for work.

Man, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them. It was just great seeing them and hanging out with them again.

They got me thinking about my future, especially about retirement. Am I saving enough?

Adulting.

Family.

I didn’t know that I would see that many this year.

It was great seeing 5th Auntie too. I haven’t seen her since before 5th Uncle passed way back in 2014. I’m glad to see that she’s doing great.

Family.

2018.

I love them.

I had a great time hanging out with the kids too while I was up north. I got drinks with all of them. They are of age.

Man, it seem like it was yesterday when they came.

Time flies.

2019.

Family.

Let’s keep them safe. Let’s keep them near.

* * *

Adulting.

2018.

The Year of Transition.

I’ll be 40 next year. This past few months had been a slow transition into 40.

I keep telling myself that I’ll need to give adulting a try when I hit 40. It’s time, right?

I’m working towards that.

Being more comfortable when it comes to socializing is a part of that.

Working on my flaws is another.

I know my issues. I know my problems.

Anger.

I have fucking severe anger issues. I get annoyed by people and by stupidity.

It’s something that I need to work on.

I have no control over that. I’m usually good at letting things go, especially things that I don’t have any control over.

But, sometimes, it affects me and that’s when I snap.

Microsoft.

Sigh.

Fucking Microsoft Support.

They were the source of a lot of my frustrations and anger this past year.

I’m sure they flag my name whenever I make a ticket.

I’m sure there’s one word next to my name: DIFFICULT

 

I don’t want to be difficult, but holy fuck man, do Microsoft Support really get under my skin.

I’ve made an effort to treat them a little differently.

I don’t curse them out anymore. I made an effort months ago and it’s sticking.

I haven’t cursed them out yet.

Biting my tongue.

They are doing their best, even though it is just fucking shitty service.

They are making an effort.

I should to.

Let’s hope that things change next year.

Let’s hope we don’t have any more MS issues next year.

No more SharePoint issues.;

No more Office issues.

Let’s hope.

I don’t want to lose it again.

2018.

There’s a small handful of people at work, my department, that I had issues with.

Whenever they talk or try to do something or worse, not do their fucking job, I lose it.

My anger boils.

My annoyance surges.

There’s nothing that I can do.

I have to let it go.

My boss knows.

He’s not going anywhere.

I have to learn to live with it.

I have to learn to work with him.

I need to figure a way.

He doesn’t know how to do anything.

He doesn’t do anything.

Lazy.

Power trip.

Let it go.

I need to let it go like I did with the other.

Let it go.

Move on.

He’s hopeless. Helpless.

I need to remember that.

Maybe, then I’ll understand.

Maybe I’ll be calmer.

Just maybe.

2018.

Growth.

Adulting.

Year of Transition

Drinking.

Work.

I drank so much last year and this past year.

Work.

Stress.

Just stress.

I need to control it and I think I have it under wraps.

I don’t overdo it.

My liver hates me, but I’m being a little more responsible.

For the office parties, I take a Lyft.

I don’t drive anymore.

Making an effort.

I don’t over do it.

Chicago was the last time.

That fucked me over.

Not anymore.

2018.

Let’s wrap it up.

Let’s keep it in check.

2019.

Adulting.

Just a smidge less stress, please?

Bring it.

* * *

2018.

Maybe it’s because I’m approaching 40, but I never really thought about retirement before.

Maybe it’s because work is stressing me out and I really feel that I don’t want to fucking work anymore.

Adulting.

Retirement.

Linda and Sung got me into thinking about my future.

Retirement.

I don’t want to do this shit for the rest of my life.

I would like to fall back and retire so I can focus on my interests: reading, writing, art.

Adulting.

Growth.

It’s just a natural progress of things.

I’m making an effort to put more of my money into investments for my retirement.

I want my money to help me make money so I can retire at a reasonable age.

My bro aims to retire at 50. He can do it too.

Me, not so much.

I don’t know when I’ll retire, but I hope that I do.

I’m ahead of the curve with people my age, especially millennials, but I want to be safe.

Adulting.

Thinking about my future.

I want to be secure.

2018.

Just getting my shit together.

2019.

Let’s be better.

Let’s be smarter.

Let’s do this.

* * *

2018.

A few more days.

Just a few.

Then, it’ll be a New Year. A new number.

New.

It’s been a long time since I’ve had a year where I’ve grown so much.

It’s been a long time since I”ve had a year where I made an effort to grow.

Growth.

It should happen every year.

Have a better understanding of yourself. Have a better understanding of your flaws.

Chip away at it.

Be better.

Grow better.

Know better.

Growth.

Every year.

Just do better.

Don’t limit yourself on what you already know. Be better by learning things that you don’t.

2018.

It was a great year for me for that.

I’m working on being positive. It is The Secret.

Be positive. Great things will happen.

Be positive.

Get exactly what you want.

Be positive.

Know yourself.

Just be.

I’m working on growing my skill set.

I’m working on just being a better person.

Adjustments.

Corrections.

Little things here and there.

Eventually, I’ll excel and then I’ll find another thing to be better that.

Constant growth.

Constant learning.

2018.

You surprised me.

It was an uneven year, but it was a year of adjustments, of transition.

2018.

Year of Transition.

 

Change.

Growth.

Evolve.

Peel another layer and get a deeper understanding.

2018.

You came and took me by surprise.

It was uneven, but damn, if you weren’t interesting.

It was a tough year and I survived it.

I came out stronger.

I came out better.

2018.

I bid you adieu.

Thank you.

2019.

Bring it.

I’m ready.

Bring it.

I’m willing to wait for it.

One more week.

One more week.

Friday seems so far way. Five more days.

Five.

Then we’ll be off through the New Year.

It’s been a few years since I’ve stayed in LA for the holidays.

2015.

Not sure what I’m going to do.

I usually spend my days here at Volcano doing some writing, getting my yearly bah humbug out of the way and then, I don’t know.

Christmas Day, I usually go on a road trip somewhere with Pickles.

The rest, it’s a laid-back do nothing type of thing.

It’s usually my detox from people pro-solitude type of thing.

Looking forward to it.

I’m not trying to think too much about it.

I’m not trying to plan it.

Let it go. Go with the flow.

Let’s see how things roll.

Tired.

Still sick from last week.

I’m still fucking sick from last week.

Getting old sucks.

On the mend.

That’s what I’m happy about.

Slow. So slow.

I’m slowly getting back there.

Slow.

School.

I’m behind.

So behind on my online class.

Python.

Need to get back on it.

There are so many things that I need to catch up on and maybe I’ll use the break to do that.

Catch up on my coding.

Catch up on my schooling.

Catch up.

I’m so behind.

Work on myself.

Work on my growth.

Pivot.

Pivot to something else.

Pivot.

2019.

So close, yet so far away.

Not sure what you’ll bring and that brings me a little joy and a little apprehension.

It’s a fucking crap shoot.

Life.

…I’m over this.

Can’t think.

Can’t focus.

My creativity, drained.

I need some help.

…still sick.

I’m blaming it on my illness.

The year winds down to its last remaining weeks.

The back of my throat itches. My body gives up on me.

It’s been a while since I felt sick and I think it’s about that time again.

Work drains me.

I haven’t taken care of myself.

It all comes crashing down and yet, I’m here, out and about at my local spot.

Whatever I had plans today will not happen.

I intend to do nothing.

Not think.

Not ponder.

Not dream.

Sleep.

Rest.

Reflect.

The company Christmas party happened on Thursday night. It’s probably one of the reasons why I’m feeling the way that I’m feeling now.

Was out too late.

Overall, I had one and I set out to do what I wanted to do: DON’T GET FUCKING PLASTERED AND BLACK OUT.

I think I was fully conscious the whole night as I limited myself and paced myself on the amount of whiskey I imbibed.

I was vertical the next day.

That was a problem the last two years. I wasn’t so much vertical, but horizontal, on the floor, at work.

Standing!

It was a good night. I had a fun and uneventful night.

I calmed my nerves with Jeff, grabbing a few drinks at Cabo before the party.

The rest of the night was just mingling and people watching.

There were little cheers here and chit-chatting there.

I wandered. I paced.

The night passes in a fuzzy blur.

I got a lot of compliments that night. I looked dapper in my suit.

Everyone loved the new haircut. It was like I was a different person. People aren’t used to it.

Growing up. My way to adulting.

TANGENT

It’s been a while since I’d a proper haircut. It’s been a while since I’ve gone to the barber to cut my hair.

2013.

Early 2013. Right before my mid-life-crisis.

I went back to my usual and the barber is still there. He recognizes me and remembers how I like my hair as he tells it to the guy cutting my hair.

At the end he asked if I moved because I haven’t been in in a while.

Too funny, but it’s the little things like having people remember you.

Sometimes humanity surprises me a little.

END TANGENT

Overall, I did have fun. My social anxiety was kept under control for the most part.

I don’t know what I was expecting or hoped would happen, but overall, it was good.

It was great seeing Ms. Good Bar flipping me off and exclaiming that she hates me.

The Panicker tries to start shit with me every time she’s drunk. I find that fascinating and funny.

I left the King’s Head and went home after 12:30 and saw Benjo and Jeff were still there, fucked.

Apparently, they went to the Gas Lite after too.

I’m too old to that. Fucking old.

Tired.

Now I’m sick.

Friday, I was vertical.

Success.

It was a fucking long ass day and I hated it, but I was vertical.

It could have been much worse.

Success.

Pivot.

Growth.

Change.

Pivot my life.

Pivot my direction.

It’ll be a few more months before I hit a new number. It’ll be a new decade.

40.

Soon.

Pivot.

Changes.

Adulting.

I don’t know why, but I’m thinking more about my future, about who I am, and where do I see myself.

I think about my job and what possible changes can happen. I think about if I want to stay in the same role or should I expand and maybe pivot.

A new direction.

A new responsibility.

I don’t know.

Life.

40.

What is there to expect?

Adulting.

That’s on the schedule, but what exactly does that mean?

I know when I tell people that I plan on adulting, growing up, and they tell me don’t. Not worth it.

Not worth it, indeed, but I need to know about it before I can reject it.

Life.

Adulting.

Relationships.

Is it finally time to allow for the possibility, to let things — strings, go and see what is in front of me.

I don’t know what is in front of me.

Is it right?

I know I can pivot it to what I want.

But is that fair?

I could be wrong.

It could be great.

But is it right.

Allow.

Let what will be, be.

Pivot.

Adulting.

What will be, will be.