Shall we?

We shall.

Slow.

Steady.

A beat of a drum. My heart.

It counts a metered beat.

Ba dum Ba dum Ba dum.

It beats loud but soft and gentle.

My heart.

My life.

I beat on.

My life.

It goes on.

Where am I?

I don’t know.

I really don’t know.

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything much about how I’m feeling and how I’m doing.

These little random posts of mine have been more about what’s happening in my daily/weekly life with a few things about how I’m doing thrown in, but they aren’t the same type of entries that I’ve filled this thing with.

How am I doing?

What am I feeling?

I guess with the past couple of years, my life has been crazy, and I never really stopped to really think and consider how I’m doing on a mental level.

Everything has been about stress and work and stress and work, but, how am I?

I don’t know.

I do know, my heart beats on. My life…goes on.

Life.

Calm.

I’m at a calm state now. A little Zen from everything around me.

There’s no anxiety of failing or the dread of being overworked.

Vacation. I guess.

Sure, vacation does have something to do with it, but I guess I’m at a point at work where I think things are more manageable.

I haven’t felt this calm in a long time.

Things are progressing, and I have a little more control over everything that I’m doing.

I’m able to manage the things I’m responsible on and help make the big picture decisions that should benefit the agency.

Also, these decisions take the responsibility off me.

I know my limits. I know my abilities and I’m smart enough to know when I need help and release my control of it.

Growth.

Knowing when to give things up.

It takes a lot, but it helps me.

It just makes the ticking a little easier.

It makes my life a little simpler.

Calm.

Zen.

That’s the goal, right?

To reach a level of Zen and happiness where nothing really bothers me?

It’s a constant struggle.

I’m not a guru yet or a yogi, but small steps.

Zen.

Just focus on myself, my needs, and forget about everyone else and everything else that doesn’t pertain to me.

It’s a struggle.

Growth.

Growing pains.

It’s these little things that are the toughest to overcome.

This little pettiness.

Let it go.

You do you.

I do me.

Life.

Zen.

Flow.

Open.

Be open.

How open is open?

I think I’m an open person.

Not just about being an open book and sharing stuff about myself, but also being open to new possibilities and things about my life that I never considered before.

I know I’m always in my head, talking myself out of many things, but when I just act and decided, I think I’m open.

Take giving a ride to Grace, the PCT thru-hiker, I never thought I would ever do something like that, but I did.

I still remember that I picked up a family and took them to a parking lot at Capitol Reef in Utah. I’m open.

Open enough.

I guess that’s not what people mean when they say I’m not open.

But I don’t know.

I don’t know a lot.

There are things that I make happen and there are things that I allow to happen.

I know I wasn’t the one to reach out. You were.

I also know that even if I didn’t reach out the way that I did, we’d still be in touch, but I made an effort.

I reached out the only way that I know.

When I heard that you left, and I know that there’s a big possibility that you won’t be coming. I didn’t want to have you out of my life.

I reached out. I wished you the best and hoped that we keep in touch.

I gave you my number.

I made a small effort.

It may seem like a small gesture, but it’s big for me.

I work slow.

I work small.

I used to be a man of big gestures, but that has long faded away.

I don’t know what happened? Ms. D?

I guess.

Small.

Growth.

Growing pains.

Every day, there’s a lesson.

Everything that happens, is a lifelong lesson.

I just need to be in tuned to everything. To keep my eyes open.

Slow.

Small.

With each beat.

Ba dum Ba dum

Life.

It goes on.