Never be enough for me.

You know I want you. It’s not a secret I try to hide.

All day every day.

I’ve been listening to the soundtrack and I can’t stop. I literally can’t stop.

It’s just so fucking good.

CHICAGO.

My beloved.

I’m here and I’m done.

Work is over and I’m here to play.

There were many many long days of getting things ready and finishing up, but it’s done.

Even with the prior knowledge of how to set things up with the new server, it still took me a long time to get things done.

I think the part that took the longest was setting up the users’ desktop after imaging. Setting up their account and profile.

It’s a little difficult when I had to do it twice since the new server wasn’t fully synced yet.

So, step 1 was to upgrade users to the newest version, either via the in-place upgrade or through imaging.

I did the upgrade on the few users that weren’t in the office and updated their extra PCs too. So, I didn’t have to worry about their computers and get them all setup on the first time back onto the old server.

Then, I had to image the rest of the users and get them all connected back to the old server. Then, come Friday night, after the server synced one last time, I had to redo a new profile and get them connected to the new server.

It’s a long process, but the only process, unless I waited for everything to finish and did both the imaging and user setup that night. That would have taken forever, and I would probably put in a lot more hours on a Saturday.

But done and done. Chicago is good to go.

Users come in on Monday and I’ll fix whatever I fucked up or forgot.

Fun times.

Fun times indeed.

Done and done.

While here, I got a #welcomehome tag on a picture by a coworker her.

She knows how much I love the city and to me, in a way, it is home.

I do feel good here. I do love it here.

Maybe.

Who knows?

The future is open, like I love to say.

It’s a blank canvas, waiting for my strokes, to make my masterpiece that is my life.

Here I am, with my free time and I’m just chilling.

I went to watch a movie yesterday and then went to the museum, knowing that I’m going to get an early lunch at a new restaurant.

It was an easy day. A light day, relaxing and strolling and keeping to myself.

It was a good way to recharge, being quiet, but on the move, like I’m not wasting my time here in Chicago, locking myself in my hotel room.

The weather is nice, go out. Enjoy.

Enjoy, indeed.

It’s such a beautiful city.

As for today, no idea wat I’m going to do.

Try not to think about work?

Let’s give that a shot.

The trip out here was a good reprieve from all the shit that is waiting for me back home.

I’m going to go through my emails on Monday and follow up on things that are outstanding on my side.

Life.

Work.

Stress.

That’s the new normal now.

Own it.

Embrace it.

Tired.

But rested.

The new normal.

Chicago.

It’s a few days away.

Chicago.

My Beloved.

My heart.

I’ll be seeing you soon.

Chicago.

Be still my heart.

Work.

As always.

Work.

It’s not a personal trip. It’s been a few years since I’ve gone on a personal trip, but it’s been about a year since I’ve been.

Chicago.

I’ll be going there by myself.

I got a server to set up and to upgrade users to the latest build of Windows 10.

Work.

Work that needs to be done and in terms of workload, should be pretty light.

I don’t foresee much issues.

I should have some free time to play. Looking forward to it.

Looking forward to play.

Explore.

Beyond. Beyond.

That hook. That chorus.

It sings.

My heart. Sings.

Stress.

It occupies my mind. I can’t focus on anything but work.

I can’t think of my creative endeavors. I can’t focus on TV as I just want to numb my mind to all things.

No focus.

But, one thing that’s good about it, I’m not thinking of being in a relationship, or children, or the lack of those things that were, are important to me.

No, I’m only thinking about sex.

I just want sex.

That’s it.

I can only handle that.

Relationships?

Probably not.

I see my crushes at work and no. Nothing in terms of relationships. Just pure lust and desire.

Nothing.

No desire for anything else.

Stress.

It strips away things that were once important and leaves you with your animal instincts to destress.

For me, that’s just the physical.

Nothing more.

Nothing else.

I can’t even put two thoughts together.

I can’t even sit in front of my computer and finish processing my pictures.

I’m so behind.

I’m so beaten.

I don’t want to do anything.

I don’t want anything.

I just want to rest.

Be still.

Not think.

I need to clear my mind.

I should get back to meditating.

Ease my soul, my inner turmoil and stress.

I need to get back to floating.

My mental health is important.

I’m useless to everyone if I’m not healthy.

I need to take care of myself. Better care for myself.

I need to be better.

I need to treat myself better and give myself some slack.

Stop being so hard on myself.

Stop trying to control everything.

I know I hate it when people fuck up or don’t’ do anything and that fucks with my work. I hate it when that happens, and it seems to happen often.

Fun times.

Great times.

Work.

Blah.

There has to be a moment when things get back to a semblance of normalcy, right?

Or is this the New Normal.

Fuck that.

Let’s see if I can write something with a little more substance.

Maybe something from the heart, like how I use to.

Let’s try.

Sigh.

I need a vacation.

Headaches.

This week had just been headaches.

Headaches.

Lots of headaches.

It’d been a busy week. New meetings. New issues.

Small things that I needed to take care of. It prevented me from getting my other projects done.

Fuck this week.

Just fuck it.

I already worked about three hours already and I plan on working a few more.

Sigh.

Just fuck this shit, man!

Fuck it.

Gone. Gone.

She left, not without drama.

Apparently, she was pissed.

Crazy.

Sigh.

I still don’t know how it happened. I have no idea at all.

None.

How she managed to send the email?

It seems that the password reset I did didn’t go through.

Weird.

Troubled.

Not sure how I feel about it.

Sure, I don’t know exactly what went down, but it had to be something horrible to get to the place that it did.

I mean, fuck.

That’s just some nasty shit.

I want out of it.

Leave me out of it.

Done.

When something needs to get done, just fucking do it yourself.

That just seems like how it is with some people at work.

I can’t rely on them to do anything.

If I need something to get done, I’ll have to do it myself.

It’s a sad reality.

I need their help, but I can’t rely on them.

I literally had to do someone else’s job yesterday.

I had to go around the office and figure out who is running Windows 7 and create a ticket to get them upgraded.

We’ve been rolling out 10 for the past almost 2 years and these people are still on fucking Windows 7.

We’re not efficient.

How we do things aren’t efficient.

When I heard how much down time a user had when getting his Windows 10 machine, my mind exploded.

Three hours.

It’s a two-hour process to get the machine done and ready and it took another hour because that Tech had other urgent things to take care of.

This user’s peers told me what happened, hence their hesitancy to get upgraded. I would be hesitant too if it took 3 hours to get a computer and I’d be down that whole time.

Not efficient.

I spoke with the Tech and asked how it was done and why?

The procedure that he was told he needed to follow was to take the user’s computer away, make sure everything gets saved, wipe the machine and reimage the machine, set it up and then give it back to the users.

No wonder it took so long.

NOT EFFICIENT.

There’s no upside to this method besides guaranteeing the user that he has a computer.

I asked the tech why he didn’t get another machine prepped and ready and switched it out and his answer was that that’s the procedure dictated by the Manager.

FUCKING HOLY HELL.

The master of slowness and non-efficiency dictating procedure. No wonder it’s so fucking dumb.

I just told the tech to just image machines and replace them.

Easy.

Limited downtime.

Done.

Just makes my head explode.

I could barely contain my frustration and annoyance and anger yesterday.

I was fed up with people.

Fuck it.

Just fuck this shit, man!

I documented the proper procedure of how to do things this morning, especially for those users upgrading from Win7 to Win10.

It’s the same procedure that I use when working in the regions.

Swap machines.

Don’t take away machines and reimage.

It’s been a while since I’ve been so frustrated with someone in my Team.

I was just done with him.

Just done.

I wanted so badly to punch him in the face when we were discussing this whole imaging issue. So smug, thinking he knew what to do when clearly, he didn’t.

This whole initiative to get everyone upgraded is so we can take full use of all the tools and features that we have at our disposal.

Of course, old computers can’t use new tools.

As big projects are pushed out within the Agency and users would need the ability to collaborate with each other on files, we need to ensure that they are able to use the tools.

Many users can’t because of their software limitations.

I made a list of users that will need to be upgraded because of these projects.

I sent out the list and directions to get them setup.

Apparently, he asked another team member that we need to stop what we’re doing and test out this new system of doing things.

I’ve tested it out months ago.

It works.

That’s what the feature is and what the tool is for.

He didn’t understand how things work. How do things sync up if it is on the user’s computer and not on SharePoint? How this? How that?

Mind exploded.

Glad I wasn’t there.

I would have lost it.

Friday was a tough day.

One of the worst.

I had many tickets open with Microsoft and one major one that was affecting business workflow.

No solutions.

Regus in Dallas is a joke. That hasn’t been taken care of it.

Just shit.

There’s too much pressure and I’m going to lose it soon.

So much.

As the day wound down and I was leaving, he asked a few questions about OneDrive and the whole setup thing that he’ll need to tell the end users. I listed off things and told him that when the project was over, the users shouldn’t delete the files but to unsync the library.

“I don’t know how to do that.”

MOTHER FUCKER.

We’ve shown you MULTIPLE FUCKING TIMES.

Useless.

Incompetent

Just fuck this shit, man!

Done.

Over.

Sigh.

Work.

I think I’m done ranting as my mind wanders to work and other projects.

Fucking great.

Just fuck this shit, man!

Soul.

So soulful.

Scott sent me a link to a song, Beyond by Leon Bridges last night.

Blew me away.

I haven’t heard this type of soulful sound in years, especially from a modern artist.

It transports me back to a different time.

That chorus, that hook. So catchy. So great.

So in love.

I’m listening to his album now, getting my fill of the soulful music that I didn’t realize I was missing.

Hurting.

Pain.

I bruised my ribs a few days ago.

How?

I leaned over a shopping cart.

Yep.

That’s all I did.

I leaned over a shopping cart and fell on the child seat back wrong.

At fucking Costco.

Yep.

Now, pain.

It’s hard to sleep. Hard to sit down. Hard to do much of anything.

Yep.

So damn proud of myself.

So. Damn. Proud.

Hopefully it’ll heal within the next week or two.

Not much I can do.

Sawtelle.

It’s a popular hot spot in Westside.

Japantown.

That’s another name for it.

It’s a little strip filled with Asian food.

When I first moved here, it was mostly Japanese food, hence the moniker.

Now, we have a good mix of different kind of Asian food.

Japanese, Chinese/Shanghainese/Taiwanese, Korean, Philippines, Vietnamese.

There’s’ no Thai, but I’m sure one day there will be one.

The rent, expensive.

This little tea shop has a rent of $10K/mo. Fucking ridiculous.

Westside.

It’s a popular area and if you want skin in the game, you got to pay a large premium.

I’m glad I live so close. I’m glad I have some good Asian food on the west side.

The Vietnamese food isn’t the best, but it’s something. At least there is Viet food.

There’s something to fill my cravings when I don’t want to cook Viet food.

Ahh, food. I’m such a whore for it.

Food.

I love food.

Normal.

I’m trying to get back to normal.

What is normal?

No idea.

It’s not what it was.

There’s a sense of never being able to get back to how things were before the scope of work changed at the Agency for me.

There’s a lot more work. There’s a lot more responsibility.

I get home from work and I don’t want to think about anything anymore.

I get home from work and I don’t want to think about all the unfinished and unfinished tasks and projects that I need to get on.

There’s so much.

My brain is fried.

I can’t focus on anything.

Bored.

Distracted.

My brain is different.

I’m different.

I just want to go back to how things were.

Or how my behavior was.

I just want to go back.

Can I?

I’m scared to death that she might be it/that the love is real/that the shoe might fit…

That chorus.

That hook.

She might be my everything/Beyond.

My mind wanders.

Distracted.

No focus.

It’s time for me to move on.

Tomorrow.

It’ll be something else. Tomorrow will be work.

Project.

Script.

Tomorrow.

Wagon Wheel

Hey Momma rock me….

Going with some twang today, some little bluegrass twang to get me through my finger tappings.

I’m switching it up from the heart felt sincerity of The Greatest Showman musical, which I’ve been listening to nonstop since I watched the movie on my flight back from Dallas.

It was just great.

I kind of regret not watching it on the big screen. It would have been a spectacle.

I would have a smile from ear to ear and tears streaming down my face.

It my type of musical.

I had to change the code to my little above thought separator.

I can’t use a simple center tag anymore, but a div tag.

New things.

Change.

It’s easy to remember.

Things to keep in mind as I made the change to the new site.

It is what it is.

Things are things…as someone puts it.

It is what it is.

Tired.

My body.

My mind.

My soul.

All tired.

So tired.

That’s my life now, The Tired Life.

Maybe that should have been the title to this little entry.

Maybe not.

It’s just been a lot at work.

I’m behind on my projects. I’m behind on the little things that I need to do.

I’ll have to start working a few hours over the weekends soon. I need to decide on when to start.

Soon.

Soon.

Everything is manageable.

I just need time.

Focus.

Soon.

Things will fall in place.

Things will be back to normal, or whatever kind of normal I thought things were.

Things will be what they will be.

Time will tell.

The above new code puts an extra carriage return.

Quirk.

Annoyed but I’ll live with it.

It is what it is.

I’m tempted to do another separator, fuck it.

Let’s proceed.

Watched Leave No Trace.

It was good. A coming of age story about a girl and her father who’ve been living in Forest Park in Oregon.

Their home is in the woods.

It’s a movie about independence. Living life in their terms and ultimately making the ultimate decision to become fully independent and live life on your terms.

The movie definitely hit home for me.

The decision at the end.

Heart breaking but I empathized.

The movie hit very close to home for me.

I made a similar decision and continue to make it.

I make decisions for myself, for my life, and my happiness.

It’s my life.

Not my families.

Sometimes, the toughest decision is to hurt the ones you love the most because it is about your happiness and your life. Not theirs.

Not theirs.

I moved.

I’m single.

I live my life.

Sigh…didn’t want to argue today.

The new boba girl gave me the wrong tea. She gave me milk tea instead of my regular tea.

Sign.

I’m over it.

New.

Different.

Going with it.

I don’t think she probably ever had anyone order non-milk tea before.

Eh.

Over it.

Stop.

New div.

When will I start on my creative projects?

I don’t know.

I should.

Soon.

That’s what I keep saying.

Soon.

Eventually, that soon will be here, and I’ll start.

Soon.

I need to watch more Christmas movies.

How can I watch movies when I can’t even focus on any movie or tv shows?

I’m so scattered-brained now, it’s hard to keep focus.

I’ll manage.

I have to.

I need to.

Rey.

Of course, she sees what I’m drinking and mentions something about it.

Something new?

She gave me the wrong one.

They offered to get me the right one, but I declined.

Too much of a hassle. Too much work.

Going to leave it since I’m almost finished with it anyway.

I got this weekend.

I got my usuals this weekend. The Viet Girl on Saturday and Ashley on Sunday.

Just one day of milk won’t kill me.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

Depends on how much lactose is in this shit.

I got dinner planned for the day and maybe for the weekend.

Lunch?

Should I buy lunch?

Probably not.

Gonna try a Salami and Pickles Grilled Cheese sandwich when I get home.

Put on a movie or even Cloak & Dagger and cook while watching that.

I ain’t doing shit today.

JACK SHIT.

I’m going to be lazy.

Eat. Sleep. Watch TV.

It’s a couch potato day as I fall back to my regular schedule.

Let’s see how it works.

Let’s see what happens.

Tired.

Sick.

How many times have I started a post with those two words.

Tired.

Sick.

Quite a bit.

I am. Tired. Sick.

Dallas.

They have been moved to their new temporary Regus space.

They are all setup and good to go, for the most part. They can operate well, if I leave.

All of their stuff has been moved to storage.

All in all, it was a good move. It was an easy trip.

It was a long fucking week with long days, but I got the job done with minimal help or effort.

In and out.

That’s how I like it.

In and out.

The only thing that remains is getting them on their own private vlan, so I can set up their network printing.

Regus’s IT is slow.

That’s what their receptionists told me.

I’m aware.

Slow.

One of the ports is still down on Friday. They have a ticket open. Let’s see what happens on Monday.

I got a few hours left of work before I head to the airport.

Ideally, I want to wrap everything up and leave them at the best place before I leave.

Right now, they are just at a good place.

I want to finish everything, but it’s out of my hands.

So out of my hands.

* * *

Sick.

I knew it was going to happen.

I had a feeling.

It’s hot in Dallas.

I mean, fucking melt your skin off, dry dry heat.

100s.

I shit you not, triple digits.

It’s hot on the outside, but when you get inside a building, AC blasts its frigid breath so that you’ll need to wear an extra layer or two to feel comfortable.

I’m in a hoodie and that’s still not enough. I manage.

Sick.

That’s where I am now.

Sick.

In a hotel room.

Sunday.

My last free day before another work week starts and I’m not out exploring the city.

I don’t want to do anything today.

I want to lay in bed, in this hotel room, watching Netflix and resting.

That’s all I want to do.

I don’t want to socialize. I don’t want to talk to anyone.

I just want to rest.

Sick.

Tired.

That’s what I did yesterday.

I went to an early screening of Sicario: Day of Soldado at the Alamo Drafthouse and then had a long lunch next door.

It was a relaxing morning and early afternoon.

My first experience with the pretty cool theater chain.

The food at the Yard House wasn’t bad. I sat at the bar.

Instead of choosing a tv with the World Cup on, I sat in front of a tv that had the Cornhole championships.

What is Cornhole?

FUCKING BEAN BAG TOSS.

Holy fucking shit. Fucking BEAN BAG TOSS has a name AND fucking holy hell, it’s a televised sport.

I sat there, the whole time, eating and watching the matches.

My eyes would glance over to the World Cup match from time to time, but my focus was mainly on Cornhole.

Fascinating.

These athletes have a lot of skill. More skill than I ever would possess in a game that is about tossing something into a hole.

Fucking holy hell.

Amazing.

By this time, I knew I was sick.

I woke up that way.

My throat was hurting. That little soreness in my tonsil.

That’s the sure-fire way I know that I’m sick.

Ate, rested, and knocked back a few beers.

I drove back to the hotel and took a long ass nap.

I was tired.

I don’t sleep well in hotels and this experience was no different.

I kept my normal sleeping schedule.

Fall asleep between 10-11pm and wake up around 6am.

In between are the dreaded 2-4am hour where I will be awake, having my 3am thinking sessions of work and what not.

It’s when I do my best thinking…about work.

It’s about work.

Not about my creative projects.

Work.

Fuck my life.

I just want to get through a night of sleeping, adjusting my body to the right temperature where i can sleep in a listless slumber, having my flickering mind images, healing my body.

Those don’t come easy

Not easy at all.

That’s where I am.

Now.

Hotel room.

Writing.

* * *

Plans.

I have none.

Rest.

That sounds ideal.

That sounds like a plan.

I’ll run out, get some food, and come back to the hotel.

No exploring.

No foot tripping.

None of that.

It’s way too hot to go out and do anything.

Being out in the heat doesn’t sound fun at all.

My mind starts to wander.

It’s time.

It’s my signal to move the fuck on and start my lazy day.

Adieu adieu.