Tired.

Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally.

Tuesday was a rough day for me. Microsoft. That one word, that one company says it all.

Microsoft.

I almost quit that day. Not really, but I so wanted to so I don’t have to deal with Microsoft anymore.

They disabled a feature that we were using without letting us know. I don’t know who had an issue with that problem, but we didn’t and now we have to figure out a workaround to do what we were able to do before.

I was angry. I was upset.

I realized I had anger management issues. I internalized that.

I don’t want to be that person.

I don’t want to be angry.

I don’t want to be the fucking asshole that takes out his frustrations out on people who are just doing their jobs.

I don’t want to be an asshole.

But man, Microsoft. They fucked me over.

Growing pains.

Learning my lessons.

Hopefully, it teaches me a lesson and I evolve and become a better person. I’m fucking hoping.

Let’s hope, shall we.

* * *

Quiet.

My weekends.

Quiet.

I don’t do much in the weekends. I talk to those that I have to interact with, which are mostly customer service people as I run my errands, but for the most part, I don’t interact much with anymore.

No friends to hang out with.

No neighbors that I have that type of relationship with.

Just my pets.

I fuck with them a lot.

Not much interaction.

Not much of a life outside of work and that’s a choice.

My choice and I’m okay with it.

It’s my time to recharge, rest, energize myself to face the forthcoming week.

Life is a matter of balance.

I get my socializing all at work and when I get home and on the weekends, I need time to myself to recharge.

It’s my time to think, write notes, and work on whatever project that I’m working on.

I’m brainstorming on my current movie idea.

I jot down my notes, come up with more ideas, work on the story, work on the logic, and then one day, it’ll come time to write.

That FADE IN:

That will come.

Soon? Who knows?

* * *

The Christmas Romance.

How romantic will it be?

Who knows?

How Christmassy will it be?

No idea.

Bah humbug.

I got an idea for the story; I just need to figure out the structure, the conflict, and all of the characters.

Once I figure out an overall structure and arc, I think I’ll be ready. I won’t tie myself to the structure, but just enough to guide my way, to help with an end goal and a direction.

Soon, my entries here will become more and more sparse, and few and far between.

That’ll be my focus.

I haven’t written a script in years and creatively in who the fuck knows when. I’m excited though.

I miss it. I miss those creative juices, the splurge of ideas and constant finger tappings.

I miss it.

Hopefully I can get back to it.

Hopefully I won’t get distracted.

Then what? Maybe back to some prose, my little story ideas, or maybe even that short story or novella or maybe even the novel that I want to write.

I just want something.

I don’t care if I’m successful.

All I want is to finish and to publish.

* * *

Vacation.

I need to start thinking about when I’m going back to Washington.

I need to know when and where I’m going to work and I should plan around that. Well, maybe, maybe not.

I should just fucking plan it.

I just booked a short weekend trip out to Bishop with Pickles for Memorial Day Weekend, which is next weekend.

I don’t plan on much hiking, but just exploring the land with Pickles. We’ll do some hikes, but nothing really hardcore. I’m worried he won’t be able to keep up, but I’m sure he’ll be excited about it.

We’ll take it easy and find a nice easy stroll. We won’t be there for too long. I expect it to be more of a quick road trip where we’ll spend a lot of time in the car and find some scenic drives and such.

We shall see.

I still would like to do Sedona this year too. Not sure when, maybe later, in the fall or end of the summer. Maybe after I get back from Washington?

Should I do late July through early August again? Maybe. That seemed like a good time last time.

We shall see.

I have a lot of time to use. There’s not much use of saving days now that I get four weeks.

Spain next year will only be about two weeks.

Vacations.

Let’s do it.

No point in saving money.

Fuck it.

Spend.

Trips.

Vacations.

Get the fuck away.

Let’s just get away.

Here’s to getting away.

I think I used that one before as a title, but I’m sure I reused quite a few in the past 13 years or so.

Tired.

So tired.

I’m sick again.

Cold.

Not sure if it relates to the cold that I had about a week ago, but here I am again.

Coughing. Sniffling. Sneezing. Body Aching.

Fun times.

Fun times, indeed.

Tired.

Fatigued.

Blah.

* * *

It’s cloudy today.

Gray.

Home.

It’s a nice day to cuddle up at home and not do anything. That’s the plan. That’s how I imagine my day going.

Nothing.

No work.

No thinking.

Just watching whatever movies or shows that I want to watch.

Nothing.

Just nothing.

I don’t want to think.

I don’t want to work.

Nothing.

Nothing.

* * *

It’s time to visit the regions again.

Atlanta will be the first one and I will not participate.

I won’t be back into the office until they need me there, so I won’t have to go.

I don’t mind going. I really don’t, I would rather go by myself.

It’s just that the main help desk guy that goes isn’t too great and he volunteered himself to go and since I can’t go, it leaves the other main system guy to go.

They don’t get along well, so someone will have a talking to and another guy will go.

He’s good. I like him and I think he’ll do great.

He can troubleshoot and problem solve and act quickly without much help.

I’m curious on how it’ll go, but I think it’ll be fine.

Dallas will be the next one. That’s a whole office move to a new location.

That’ll be a bitch.

It’ll be good though. They won’t get robbed again.

It’s been an interesting year this year, to say the least.

Work is winding down where it is manageable, but there’s fucking problems.

Of course there’s fucking problems.

Always fucking problems.

Microsoft. SharePoint.

Slow at intermittent times and there’s rhyme or reason as to why. Fucking ass. They’re help desk isn’t helpful.

There’s so much pressure for this to succeed and we are blind and clueless as to what the problem is.

No insights from anyone.

None.

* * *

I was home Thursday.

Sick.

It was May 10.

The dreaded day.

I only realized the day while I was walking Pickles.

Thankfully I was so out of it that day I didn’t think too much of it.

I slept most of the day.

I was tired.

But, it’s May.

It’s the dreaded month.

I think I’m okay.

I think I’m well.

I’ll survive.

I’ve been doing it.

* * *

I’m over it today.

I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain…

Saying Yes.

Participating.

This gets easier. This gets easier with age.

The pressure or the awkwardness wares off and eventually I learn to enjoy myself.

Sure, it’s not all perfect and always fun, but I make an effort.

Yes.

I’ll participate.

I’ll show up.

But I won’t necessary mingle.

I’m still the passive observer, outside of the crowd, looking in, watching, searching, looking, absorbing.

I’m still the loner on the fringe finding a connection.

My introversion defines me, but it doesn’t dictate my life.

I’ve learned that it’s a love hate thing, especially when it comes to me and socializing.

All elements have to line up before I feel comfortable.

What we are doing? Who’s there? Whom am I chatting with?

So much depends on atmosphere and my comfort.

But I participate.

I say yes.

It gets easier.

Life.

Socializing.

39.

I’m on my way to adulting and its decisions like these that help.

Socializing.

It’s a bitch.

* * *

Body.

Tired.

I haven’t felt this way in years and I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

My knees hurt.

My joints hurt.

My legs hurt.

Sore.

Is it age?

Something else?

No idea, but I will persevere. I will survive and I’ll figure it out.

I think my muscles are tighter and I need to stretch.

I walk on average 11 miles a day while at work. That’s a big gradual uptick from the same time last year.

That could be the reason.

My legs need a rest.

I need a stretch.

Yoga.

Health.

I need to make a better effort to better my life, to be healthier.

I’m definitely not getting any younger.

Definitely not.

* * *

You blanked.

Blacked out.

Forgot that we chatted a bit at the shindig.

You asked me how it was. You say you saw me, but you don’t remembered what happened at The King’s Head.

You saw me, we said our Hi’s as I introduced myself to the people around you.

I hate you!, you proclaimed.

But you really don’t. The grin on your face, the twinkle in your eye betrays your words.

You say again, I hate you!

I nod, agreeing, okay.

I shook my head.

No you don’t.

You shook your head. No I don’t.

You didn’t remember any of this.

You forgot.

Blacked out.

Then you stuck your finger in my mouth.

THAT took me by surprise.

Wasn’t expecting it. The people around us weren’t expecting it either.

You laughed, smiled, as you left it there, me confused, then pulled it out.

That was that. No explanation. No comment.

Nothing.

I left it.

I left you.

That was it.

That was all.

Throughout the night, we’ll catch each other’s glances, exchange our mean faces and that was all.

But you didn’t remember.

I recounted what happened between us to you a few days ago, refreshing your memory, but you didn’t remember.

I left out a few bit parts.

You said you hated me.

You felt bad. Horrible.

You apologize for being mean.

For sticking your finger in your mouth.

I let you in on the little information that I purposely left out. I knew you didn’t hate me.

You told me to fuck off.

So easy.

Pushing buttons.

Your buttons.

Easy.