…baby, I, dancing in the dark…

In just a little over a week this dreaded number will roll over one.

In just a little over a week the havoc that I associate with being 38 will be over.

In just a little over a week, things will change.

I hope.

I so fucking hope.

38.

It was a messed up year. There were a lot of good, but there were a lot of bad.

Stress.

Stress.

Stress.

Much of the downward spiral started around that time.

I went off without a care on my little yearly special weekend trip with a tacked on business related trip the same time last year. Then, I decided to get Chutney.

Things were fine until I got Chutney home.

38.

The year of bad decisions.

Hopefully, by turning a new number, things will get to a better place.

It already seems that way.

My big migration project is over. I don’t foresee me working on weekends much anymore unlike the end of last year till last week.

Social Bridge can officially retire and SharePoint establishes itself within our agency.

It’s not without its push back or issues, but there’s some light as more and more people use it.

There’s a light at the end of this chaos.

38.

Year of bad decisions.

We shall see.

I’m sure I’ll do my deeper diver, my usual another year older, another year wiser reflection post after my little trip, but i just wanted to get some things out of the way as I tune my brain into it.

* * *

Food.

I’ve been thinking nonstop about food.

Dinner. What I’m going to cook and how I’m going to cook it.

Lunch.

Should I be getting lunch?

It’s been a thing of late that I’ll splurge and get lunch on the weekends because of the overtime that I put in. I use the overtime as an excuse to get lunch; it supplements my meal.

Now that I’m not working overtime anymore, I’m unsure if I should.

I know that there’s an expensive trip coming up to, in terms of food and such.

I don’t know.

Research.

I need to research places to eat and wineries for the trip.

Vacation mode.

That’s what I’m going to be in this coming week.

Not much will be done.

Food.

I’ve been craving McDonald’s for some reason. I don’t know why, but I am. I want a Big Mac.

Maybe it’s the disappointing dinner that I had last night. I don’t know, but eh.

Eh, indeed.

I’ll figure something out.

McDonald’s maybe cheap, but it’ll be expensive in the long run.

I’ll figure something out.

I’ll cave to my cravings.

I just need food.

I just don’t know what.

Food.

Pork belly with risotto.

Marinated with Asian flavors, pan seared, broiled, and then deep-fried.

Done.

Chinese food.

Hop Li.

Been craving that.

Birthday week.

Do it.

Lazy.

Let’s see how it goes.

Let’s see how it goes.

* * *

I think I’m done for a while.

Done. Done.

It’s my choice.

It’s a choice made from determination, conviction, and fear.

It’s a choice made from not wanting to make any changes.

I know my faults. I know my fundamental psychosis that prevents me from getting into relationships and the reason cuts deep.

Sure, a large part of it is fear. Not of rejection, although it does play a small part in it, no, it’s something larger.

I’ve written many posts on this, time and time again. It’s a common theme that comes up in my writing.

Father issues.

Fear.

Getting close, giving myself completely to someone and then having it just stripped away.

Fear.

Losing my independence, which I sacrificed so much for.

Independence. It was my final gift.

I cherish it.

The last thing I ever gave to my father that may have made him proud.

I know my issues.

I just don’t know when I’ll ever be ready to let them go.

No idea when or if I ever will.

Who knows?

* * *

I’m sensitive.

That’s what an intern said to me.

I’m a sensitive soul.

I put up a front.

Everyone sees through it.

I have my moments like everyone else.

Who doesn’t have their moments?

Things are changing. Time changes things.

Action changes things.

You have to want to change for it to happen.

Right now, my desire to change isn’t as strong as my desire to just be.

Until that happens, life will continue on this path that I’ve carved.

I have no problem with that.

I live.

I do what I need to do.

I enjoy my time, plan my little trips, and do my little thing that gets my mind off of work.

Even then, that’s getting a little tougher as I gain more and more responsibilities.

I take one day as a time.

That’s all I can do.

Time, it’s all I have and with each year, it becomes limited and the shit thing, we don’t know how much time we have.

No point in stressing about things that you have no control over.

There’s no point thinking about what could have been.

Enjoy what little time you have and live it and spend it however you want.

If it is alone, so be it.

It’s your choice.

It’s your lifestyle.

Live life.

Your life. Your rules.

* * *

I want to get back into screenwriting.

I want to get back to writing, creative writing and not this.

This has its place, but I want something more.

I need to get my creative juices back. They’ve been dormant for a long time.

Besides my photography from time to time, I haven’t done much creating and that’s a little disheartening.

I need to do more research on the Hallmark Channel Christmas movies.

I need to watch more of them.

It’s a little too….safe, sugary, and just blah happy for my taste, but for I find them fascinating.

Apparently for the 2018 Holiday season, Hallmark will release a record 34 Christmas movies.

THIRTY-FUCKING-FOUR HOLIDAY MOVIES.

How the living fuck?

Seriously?

How the living fuck?

Fascinated.

I thought I was losing my mind during last Christmas at Asensio, but no. Each day was a new Christmas movie.

Let’s do it.

Let’s think of a story and do it.

Writing project, 2018.

Do it.

* * *;

It’ll be a few weeks before my another year, another year wiser entry and turning another number.

The last year of my 30s.

To date, it’s been my favorite decade.

I’m hoping my last special weekend trip for my thirties will be fun.

I’m looking forward to it.

It’ll be a weekend of nature and wine.

Two of my favorite things.

Bring it.

I think I’m good at my job.

My boss received an email from an associate on Friday praising me for providing solutions or answers to a problem, issue, or idea someone had.

It was simple. They wanted a way to have a centralized location for an Adobe File to live while it’s out collecting signatures.

I like to experiment and try out new things and see how things work. I’ve been seeing the Adobe Sign app on Teams and I see it on SharePoint and wanted to test it out.

So I did and it seems to work similar to how they wanted it to work and I sent the associate examples of it as an option.

It is what it is. I don’t think I do anything out of the ordinary or go out of my way to do anything. It’s my job.

Users come to me with an ask or an issue and I do my best to fix their issue or answer their questions.

Maybe it’s part of my upbringing being an immigrant or maybe it’s part of my Customer Service history.

It’s my job to help.

But it was kind of nice to hear that though.

It was too much, but nice.

* * *

Tired eyes and broken souls.

Work.

I got a late start in the day today and my morning errands took way too long. I haven’t done much work that I need to yet. I just sent out a few emails and set a few things off, but nothing like the usual of me starting to sit down and do some work between 8:30 – 9:30.

I probably just did about 30 minutes of work and I’ll take that onto the afternoon.

I have many more migrations to do and a bunch of errors that I need to finish and update Dash promos and what not.

Fun fun.

Whom am I kidding? Working over the weekend isn’t fun.

Sure, I don’t do much on the weekends anyway. This keeps me proactive and busy, but still, I wouldn’t mind just chilling and binge watching all of the shows that I’m behind on.

Not this weekend though. There are things that people need me to upload and if I’m not doing it, they won’t get it.

C’est la vie.

* * *

Mandatory Happy Hour!

There was a going away happy hour this past Wednesday and I was the only “mandatory” attendee and doing my due diligence of saying yes, I showed up and it was fine.

The organizer of course, was a no show.

Always.

But, it wasn’t bad.

It was my first liquor/whiskey since fucking January or the last time I went out with Anosa, but I did fine. I didn’t over extend myself. I didn’t overdo it. I think I had about three, maybe four, but I wasn’t even buzzing.

Jameson – rocks.

It’s not my usual neat, but I’m adulting and need to know my limits and take care of myself.

I was surprised I stayed so late, but overall, it was a good night.

It was a bad day for me too. I was feeling tired and it felt like I was coming down with something. Body, fatigued, dying, but I showed up.

Organizer didn’t.

Lame.

I got home close to 9pm and fucking crashed. My body welcomed the sleep. I felt better in the morning; the sickness was no longer there. The alcohol worked its magic and disinfected my body.

* * *

The LA Marathon is tomorrow.

I wouldn’t have known if it wasn’t for Ms. David’s email.

Grant it I never do anything or go anywhere on the weekends anyway, plus I have to work, but there could have been something that came up or if I wanted to do something on the whim, but now, I know, I ain’t going anywhere tomorrow.

Definitely only doing my Volcano Tea and writing run and back home.

Good excuse to be a homebod.

* * *

There are times when I feel compelled to do something like running the marathon.

Honestly, I think if I trained, I could do it. I’m not out there to break any records and it’ll be my first, so I’ll be setting my own PR.

Then there are times when I think, fuck running. It’s the worse. My knees? Nope.

They’ll be gone.

Done.

Over.

Not worth it, but I commend those that set out to finish it or even attempt it.

I wish Ms. David the best of luck in the marathon.

She can do it.

* * *

Words.

They escape me.

My mind, blank and Zen. No words come to help with these finger-tappings of mine.

There is no direction. There is no subject.

Aimless.

Words.

They’ll flow into nonsense.

Nothing to say.

Nothing to write.

All settled into the status quo that is life.

All settled into the new normal that I have adapted to.

Words.

They’re gone.

* * *

I don’t need you. I’m so independent.

That’s me.

I don’t need anyone.

I’m so independent.

I’m in my element when I’m alone.

Being around people, being with people, gets easier and easier as I get older.

Socializing is easier. I can do it when I want, but that’s not often.

Meeting new people gets easier. Being in crowds gets easier.

Growth.

But…I don’t need anyone.

Never had and I don’t think I ever will.

I know this might all be an excuse to explain to myself why I’m single and alone and with no prospects of finding someone.

I know a large part of it are insecurity issues, but I do have to say that one of the biggest reasons is that I enjoy being on my own.

I’m independent.

I don’t want to give that up.

I don’t know what it means to be with someone and having them cramp my space.

I don’t know how to operate like that.

It’s foreign to me. So foreign.

Time will come. Things get easier.

With growth and knowledge and a shit ton of patience, all of this will change and who knows, I’ll be with someone.

All on my own terms.

I don’t need anyone. I’m independent.

* * *

…or the lack thereof.

I have none.

I have so many ideas in my head of things that I want to accomplish. These are not overall life affirming things that I want to accomplish, but simple things that I want to do, like things that I want to cook or experiment with, things that I want to write, or little things that pertains to other hobbies that I have.

Nothing earth shattering like picking up and moving to Chicago or moving home or going on some far off land for vacation by myself again.

No, nothing like that

Simple easy things.

No motivation to do it.

Exercise.

No motivation.

I keep telling myself that I should exercise more when I get home. Do some yoga like I did last year or lift some weights when I’m watching to to help pass the time.

I can multitask, but no. Nothing.

I just lay on the futon either watching the show or browsing the internet on my iPad.

Maybe I need to remove myself from the internet or set rules for myself that I can’t jump online from this time to that time.

I don’t know.

Maybe I can alternate lifting and yoga during the week right when I get home from walking Pickles and then I’ll start cooking whatever it is that I’ll be cooking for dinner.

No fucking clue.

I have these ideas in my head and they make sense. These are all good things that I should do and are very easily achievable, but I don’t. I don’t start.

I sit.

No motivation.

I need someone to kick me in the ass and get me going.

Do it.

Hahhaha..Fucking Nike.

Just do it.

Just do it, all right.

* * *

Work.

I’m motivated to do work on the weekend.

Work.

I’m motivated to do overtime.

I don’t know why. I know that I really don’t have to, but I do it anyway.

That to me is more important.

Maybe it’s because they pay me for it, but I know it’s because it’s my fucking damn job.

I’m behind quite a few things that pertain to my job and tasks. Many of them can be handled in the office but I’m pulled in so many different directions that I really can’t focus on anything.

I have to sit down in a quiet environment so I can put my full focus on it and surprisingly this whole Social Bridge and SharePoint migration is a part of it.

Also, I need to watch a few videos on how to use powerapps and the videos on how to use smartsheets.

So behind of learning.

So behind.

Work.

There are many things to do and I’m glad that Carloz is there to help and do more of the advance things that I just don’t have the talent nor the knowledge on how to do.

One day, I’ll catch up on things and I’ll be able to just relax and do nothing on the weekend, but at the moment, I’m not even close.

* * *

Let’s talk about something fun.

Let’s talk about my special weekend.

I’ve booked my trip and now I need to start planning.

I hope the weather holds up, but it’s not going to stop me.

Like most of my trips, it involves nature and getting away.

This year, Bay Area and Muir Woods State Park.

I’m excited to see the beautiful and majestic Red Woods. I don’t know how much hiking there is there, but there are surrounding areas that have some trails.

Of course, like normal, I’ll plan an exhaustive day the first day and relax the second day.

Plus, I planned a Napa/Wine Tasting trip too.

Hopefully I don’t get out of hand and get fucked up, but I want to relax, sip some wine, eat some cheese and have a good time.

I’m excited about the food and need to do some research on the restaurants that are around the area.

It’s fast approaching and I have limited time!

I usually not a planner, but I do like to have a rough idea of what I’m going to do so I don’t waste any time figuring out what to do while I’m there.

I think it’ll be fun.

Nature and food.

Two of my favorite things.

Let’s hope this year goes smoother than last year. If anything does come up, like a fucking lost dog, I have to man up and not, NOT, get involved and let it be.

Someone nicer will take care of it.

I don’t want another guilty conscience.

I want a better year.

I want to make better decisions.

Oh man, I think my another year older, another year wiser entry for this year will be interesting.

Fucking year of bad decisions.

38.

Fuck you.

* * *

Fuck it, let’s start researching.

I still need to figure out where to go for a quick weekend trip with Pickles sometime this month.

Over.

Out.

Back.

Relaxed.

Things are winding down at work, well at least the stress of everything form the launch and development of everything.

Everything winds down and now, it is just life.

We have things to do and to finish up, but it’s not that building pressure of making sure everything runs smoothly.

Sure, there were hiccups and what not and sure there are always people who will never like change and what not, but it is what it is.

Things finished and I can breathe again.

I can finally find a balance and some sense of the routine that I had before.

Sure, I want things to change and to adapt to certain things, but there are things that I want back.

I’ve picked up a few new habits and added it to my routine, some good and some bad.

I don’t read anymore. That’s a lie.

Let me rephrase, I haven’t been reading as I normally would. I still read, but it’s not the reading that I use to do. Not my novels or books.

No, it’s more internet searching, news and memes.

I’ll go to bed an hour earlier than I normally would and just lie there looking at these memes and reading through the day’s news. Usually I would spend this time reading a book or at least finishing the shows that I’m watching.

Maybe I have no interest in some of the shows that I watch or follow. That’s one thing that stuck from the past year or so of working and stressing.

The memes thing was new too. Ever since I found imgur somewhere and during my Italy trip, it had become a daily staple of things that I would go through. It’s mindless.

Maybe that’s what I need in my life now, mindless things.

But, there’s a new normal and I’m adjusting, but the hallelujah of all things is that I don’t feel as stressed as I did in the past couple of months, or earlier this year.

I can finally breathe.

* * *

The other day I ran into a coworker of mine to catch up. She asked me about my trip to Yosemite and told me the pictures I took looked amazing.

The conversation then dovetailed to her glad to see that I’m posting cooking pictures and vacation/hiking pictures again on my feed.

She was glad that things are back to normal because there were quite a few posts that were me stressing and stress eating.

She specifically mentioned the one where I noted that I almost lost my shit in the office.

She thought that it was her questions that prompted me to lose my shit, but it wasn’t. I don’t even remember specifically what her issue was, but it had to do with SharePoint and creating links to her vendor.

I know many people reached out to me during that time, worried about me and I genuinely feel humbled that people would do that.

My coworkers, friends, and family cared enough about me to reach out and ask about how I’m doing.

I know I talk a lot of shit about not having friends or being antisocial, which I do and am, but I do have a good community of people that I interact with.

It’s nice, to know that people genuinely care about you and your wellbeing.

It makes things a little bit better.

Things are getting there.

Normalcy.

* * *

Normalcy.

It’s quiet today.

The weather in SoCal has been a little erratic as of late. There was a cold spell and now it’s raining.

I think the rain is gone for another week and then it’ll kick back up again. I’ll take all that I can get. I miss weather.

It was falling hard yesterday. It was nice.

Like any other weekend since the end of last year, I’m out here taking a reprieve from working from home and jotting down my thoughts and clearing my mind.

Working on the weekends has been a new routine too. Soon, it’ll be over and things will become a new normal.

Life is a cycle of new normals.

Adapt. Change. Adapt.

Cycles.