That’s the plan.

That’s the game.

To get things done.

I go in, get shit done and try not to lose my shit.

That’s the game plan.

Get shit done.

The thing is that there’s just a lot of shit. Like a lot of shit.

But, someone has to do it and I’m the one.

* * *

Depression.

This is a different type of depression. It’s not the old friend of mine that I grew up with.

It’s different.

The usual symptoms are there. There’s the lack of interesting in doing things that I love to do. There’s the lack of motivation to do anything when I get home.

No interest in any of the shows I’m watching.

I find it so hard to focus on anything after work.

Depression.

It’s back, but it’s taking another form.

It’s very unfamiliar.

This isn’t my old friend. It’s a stranger.

Depression.

It’s not the cloudy gray mist that haunted me for most of my informative years. It’s not the toxic comfort company that I’ve grown accustomed to.

It’s different.

Depression.

This one is hard to describe.

I know it’s not related to anything that is happening in my personal life.

I’m not depressed about my circumstance or how I’m living my life. My single-ness isn’t the cause for this.

Life is status quo. I’m living my life how I want to live and sure, there is that small desire to change and I’m open to it.

There’s always that anxiety there, that fear of change, especially personal change, getting out of one’s routine and comfort zone. That’s expected and that’s something I am willing to accept and tackle as the time comes.

This is different.

This depression is work related.

It’s stress.

I haven’t dealt with this type of depression before. It’s new. It’s different.

Work made me depressed.

* * *

All that I can manage to do when I get home is to eat and think about work. When I’m not thinking about work and trying to figure out the solutions to the problems that are coming up or about the tools and workflow and process, all I want to do is to surf the interwebs.

I surf the web to deal with my stress.

I understand it now as I am going through it.

It’s mindless.

It’s numbing.

I find comfort in the memes and the internet articles and news. They are small quick snippets where I don’t have to think. Just mindless consumption.

I can’t even read any more. It takes too much concentration to read the words, digest the meaning, and understand the subtext and the context of everything.

That’s too much for my mind to handle.

Depression.

I wonder if I would like my old friend back other than this new stranger that I’ve found.

Would that be better? At least I would be able to read, right? Or is this it? This is the new evolution of it, with the new technology and new distractions that I have available.

This is it.

Depression.

Hello darkness, my old friend.

I need a win. We need a win.

* * *

Depression.

I think the thing that trips me out about this new stranger is the lack of focus and severe lack of motivation to do anything but eat and numb my mind.

I have zero interest in the shows I’m watching or the book I’m reading or even listening to. I can’t focus.

My attention span maxes out in short short bursts.

In a way, it’s fascinating, and in a way, it’s frustrating all at the same time.

Fascinating.

It’s not the dire doom and gloom that I’m familiar with.

I feel fine. I feel great, like I’m living life.

There’s not that suffocating cloud of darkness that was so familiar. There’s not that sense of finality and drowning.

No. There’s none of that.

It’s a new feeling. It’s a feeling that I can’t process and that’s the thing that trips me out.

It’s fucking me up.

I’m Zen in many aspects of my life…but there’s this this-ness that trips me up.

I know it’s not going to last forever.

I know that it’ll end and things will get back to normal.

Again, no doom and gloom.

There’s still that optimism in me.

I guess in a way, I know what’s causing this. I know that once things settle down, I’ll be back to normal and this stranger will be gone.

Work.

Depression.

Fascinating.

* * *

How can I balance out the way that I’m feeling? How can I Zen out more?

I know there’s meditation. I know that I need to start working out more. I know I need to get back to yoga, but what else?

What can I do during the day to help?

I need to step away from my desk, my computer, the office, and hide. I need time to myself, to clear my brain, where I’m not thinking about anything work related.

I need an outlet.

Should I go write?

I should just doodle, free write, a free journal of sorts.

Scrap booking!

I don’t know, but I know I need a stress reliever. Something that is inconsequential and that I really don’t give a fuck about.

I need something that is a distraction away from my distractions from my distractions at work.

Let’s doodle. Let’s write. Let’s make lists. Let’s get back to thinking about something creative.

LET’S JUST DO SOMETHING ELSE.

Do it.

* * *

I need a break.

I need a short weekend to get away from things.

I want a short trip with Pickles somewhere. I don’t know what, but I know I need it.

This had been percolating in the back of my brain for a while now. I didn’t really get a break over Christmas, so I think I need a short vacation.

Nothing long.

Just two or three days where I’m out in nature or just not doing work.

Work balance.

Life balance.

I have it better than most.

I have it great, actually.

I know I’m stressed and I have a lot of pressure, but I’m in the same boat with so many other people.

At least I don’t have to be in the office until midnight.

At least I get paid for the extra hours that I’m working.

At least when I get home, I don’t have to really do more work.

Things aren’t really that bad. I just blow things up.

That’s my MO. That’s how I roll.

My problems are my mountains compared to many.

This stranger is a stranger. It’s not my old friend.

The stranger will be gone once everything gets done and stabilized.

So, let’s get shit done.

Get it done.

* * *