I’m a phoney.

I was called one at least.

It all goes back to me being anti-social.

The Iranian still doesn’t see it that way, but who cares.

I find it funny and fascinating.

Many people actually see it that way.

I don’t like to go out. To me, that’s socializing. I don’t like parties, I don’t like clubs, I don’t like crowds, and I don’t like loud places.

I don’t mind getting a quiet dinner with a small group or with someone, but anything really outside of that…not much.

It is what it is.

* * *

Creativity.

I miss it. I miss those juices running through my body. I miss those thoughts and those sparks that make me giddy with joy as I get an idea of how to do something or write something.

I miss it.

I’m trying to get back into it. I’m trying to work my way, stretch that muscle again.

It’s going to be tough, but I want to do it.

I know that I want to write a Hallmark Christmas type movie, but I just don’t know what it’ll be.

I’m working on research, watching all the movies that I can when I have the time, but I’m so busy with work that it’s a little difficult.

I’ve seen a handful, but I need to watch more.

I need to think of a story, figure out what I want to say.

Then, the creativity can go, but my brain is so fried from work, it’s difficult.

Sigh.

First world problems.

I’m whining because I am too busy to think of anything creative to do.

Sigh.

* * *

Motivation.

I have no motivation to do anything.

None.

I don’t know if it is the stress from work that kills my drive to do anything or if I’m falling back into that old friend again.

There are times when I feel that my friend is here, that familiar gray of ickiness, but then there are times when I don’t think it is.

If it is, it’s a new type of friend, something that I haven’t dealt with or something I don’t remember.

It’s not the depression from high school or even college.

It’s something else.

Is it the rut again, the feelings that I felt during my MLC?

I don’t know. It’s familiar and at the same time, not.

I don’t know what it is.