for our lives to be over

I haven’t heard that song in forever. Just came on Spotify, listening to the music of my time and just enjoying my time here.

I don’t want to wait, but then again, all I do is wait.

It’s a song about not wasting time or waiting and just act and do.

I’ve never been one of those that just do. My blog has documented that for years now and that’s one thing that I haven’t changed.

I guess in a way, it’s not a matter of not acting, but it’s not acting on certain things because I honestly don’t know what it is that I want in terms of a relationship.

I’ve written about this over and over and over again. It’s one of the sticking points in my mind and in my life, that I haven’t completely figured out yet.

It’s one of those things that I’ll just let happen organically without any prompt or action, which never really works.

But c’est la vie, that is how I roll.

* * *

It’s a quiet day today. It’s been a quiet weekend actually.

Most of my weekends have been like this as of late. It isn’t like I’m doing anything different on my weekends.

Nothing different at all. I wake up, shower, and take Pickles for a walk. I’ll grab groceries for whatever I plan on cooking that weekend and then just chill watching TV or YouTube or Hulu until it is time for me to go to Volcano.

I’d chill at Volcano for my usual time and then pack up and go home, walk Pickles and pick up lunch if I feel hungry and then chill for the rest of the day.

That’s my standard weekend and each weekend is no different, but it feels different. Maybe it is because I’m still a little sick and I’m getting a little better and back on.

Or maybe there’s something in the air or a weird vibe is around or maybe it is just because it is fucking cold outside and the weather is truly Winter weather.

Who knows?

It’s just different and I think different isn’t a bad thing.

It’s just different.

* * *

Health.

I know that my health is all right and for the most part in the grand scheme of things, I am perfectly healthy.

My cholesterol is at a good level. Pain is limited.

I eat healthy enough with pretty much very minimally processed food and it’s mostly slow cooked food using whole ingredients.

On the scale, I’m ahead of the curve in terms of how healthy I am and I should happy.

Then again, there’s the stomach issue that I’m working on. There’s a lot of things connected to the stomach issue that I should be concerned about.

The discomfort from it is causing some kind of stress and anxiety in my life. There’s also the bladder issue that seems to go hand in hand with the stomach issue.

It’s like with the inflamed colon from the irritants that caused my stomach issue is pressing on my bladder to make me go frequently and incomplete.

The frequency I go disrupts the amount and quality of sleep that I’m getting.

Everything is so tied into food and what I’m eating. It’s weird that it is just now that I’m starting to work on my health, watching documentaries about food and how it affects my system and what is good for you and what isn’t.

There’s so much conflicting information out there about what is the best thing to do, that it’s hard to decide what to actually believe.

I say, be simple, continue what I’m doing. Eat food that you cook using whole ingredients and that is minimally processed. I am the one that is in control of what goes into my body. I’m causing the pain and discomfort that I am experiencing.

I just know exactly what it is that is making me feel this way and then I can figure out the solution to that problem.

* * *

Health.

Finding Zen.

Maybe I’m getting old in years but my health and wellbeing have been on the forefront of my mind as of late.

I know that I relax through cooking. I don’t think about anything but just cooking the dish that I have to do. It is relaxing, that’s why I enjoy doing it and in the end, I get the satisfaction of a good dish at the end of it.

The same could be said about making bread.

Now, I’m trying to find other things to help me Zen out.

I’m doing yoga again after a long break.

I tried to start adding meditation to my routine too, but that one is not sticking. I just should make it a habit.

I think I’ll start adding regular chiropractic maintenance and sensory deprivation to that growing list of things that I should do to keep up with being healthy.

I know that it took me a long time to get to where I am today and I should value it more and make an effort to maintain this sense of Zen and tranquility.

It’s important.

Very important.

Along with everything, I will continue to try to do more nature and hiking trips to get me out of the city and walking and hiking and breathing fresh air.

It’s important.

Zen.

Nature.

Peace.

All very important things in my life.

I have only one life and it took me a long time to find this happiness that I am experiencing and I want to prolong it for the rest of my life.

It’s been an upward trajectory for a long time now and I don’t want to buck the trend.

It can only get better right, especially if I am ever fortunate enough to find someone that I would love to share my life with.

It can only get better.

Health. Happiness. It’s a lot of work, but in the end, it’s worth it.

Make and effort.

Do.

I didn’t last.

I tried to make it last but from the outset, it was a failed attempt to begin with.

It started with the low-carb flu and the medications that I took. The Vitamin C with the sugar, the Nyquil with the sucrose, and the Theraflu with everything else.

I’m sure most of the ingredients in the medication wasn’t compliant, but in the end, my stomach did feel better. I didn’t eat any of the bad things and my stomach was in top shape. I was regular. I felt the best I’ve ever felt in a long time.

Then I got deathly sick with the bronchitis and had to take antibiotics. I knew from the second day that I took it that my stomach wasn’t feeling like how it was feeling before I took it. It was different, a little messed up, but I finished the antibiotics anyway. It was part of the regimen to get better.

So, since the antibiotics pretty much killed the probiotics that I had in my stomach, I decided to start reintroducing the irritants back to my system.

What did I start with? Shake Shack.

Burgers.

Bread.

Cheese.

Dairy.

How did I feel?

I felt fine right after, but the next day, my stomach definitely hated me. My mistake was having both dairy and bread, so I’m not sure which was really fucking up my stomach.

The next day, I decided to make some banh mi with the leftover roasted chicken that I made a few days before. I bought some bolillos from Ralph’s and some liver pate.

I did use the kewpie mayo and the Irish butter with the sandwich and soy sauce. So, more irritants.

But it was fucking damn good.

My stomach was doing backflips the next day.

I do think it was the gluten/bread that is fucking me up. That’s the biggest change in my diet in the past year and a half. The baking. The bread.

But should the bread be fucking me up? It’s sourdough, which should be good for my stomach ’cause of the fermentation process that the dough goes through.

I’ll get back to this later.

Chinese food!

Another reason why I decided to stop the cleanse was because of the department lunch. It’s Chinese food. Hop Li. There’s nothing that was compliant in anything that we ate. So, not to be a dick and be restrictive, I said fuck it.

Oh my fucking lord the food was so good. I missed Chinese food.

That night I had KBBQ with Jun and her daughters. Since I wasn’t compliant anyway, might as well.

I thought that my stomach would have been a disaster in terms of pain, but it wasn’t. But I know that the non-compliant food was definitely fucking with my system.

The bloat was back, but not to an extreme. Gas. Constipation. Most symptoms I had before the cleanse came back, but at a lesser degree. Of course, my body could be in shock from everything, but who knows.

At night, I would get up and pee multiple times ’cause it feels like my bowels is pushing down on my bladder. With a healthy stomach, I never had that problem. Maybe just once a night and not multiple.

Last night I had really really cheap Chinese from San Hing.

I’ve decided that I’m going to finish this week out as non-compliant and then get back on the cleanse for a shorter period to get my stomach back to normal. I wanted to experiment with bread and gluten.

Once I get my stomach back in some pristine order, I’ll bake some sourdough bread and see how that affects my stomach. If it fucks it up, then I may have a gluten issue. If it doesn’t, then it’s just a matter of how the bread was made commercially.

Bad ingredients could be the culprit and that could be true. Could be the commercial yeast or flour, who knows.

It’ll be a very interesting experiment.

Then, it’ll be onto another short cleanse and then reintroduce other irritants in a more manageable manner.

The whole point of this cleanse is to figure out what is making me sick and just eating everything isn’t helping the cause.

I must do this shit right and it’s just going to be a long long process, but in the end, the results should be worth it.

* * *

Deathly sick.

It started with the Whole30 diet and me fighting the low-carb flu. I was fine for the most part, able to get back on some semblance of health, but then that started to change toward the end of last week when things just went downhill. The coughing and the general fatigue set in.

It was Friday, the 10th. We were doing the media moves that were planned the day before, but we had technical difficulties.

For the most part, the move went well. Most everyone did their part to help with the move except for the few that annoy the fuck out of me that only showed up at the end after only setting up two or three users. Fucking useless.

As the day wore on with all the moves and running back and forth between offices, my body started to fail me. Sure, I didn’t get the chance to take care of my body like I normally would, like drink water or eat something, especially with the diet that I am on, but I powered through.

There were times near the end of the day when my breathing became short and I almost passed out in the middle of the hallways. I survived.

I went home and drank some medicine and just went to sleep at 6pm. I woke up later in the night to take Pickles out and then I went back to bed and didn’t roll out of bed until closer to 10.

I showered, walked Pickles and decided not to do my normal routine and went back to bed. I didn’t get out of bed until close to 4pm that day. I slept for about 20 hours. 20 fucking hours. I was sick.

I was dying and it wasn’t good.

Sunday was a little different in terms that I was awake for most of the day just sitting on the futon watching TV and movies. It was relaxing. I didn’t leave the house and that’s how a sick person should spend their weekend.

Monday. Oh Monday, I woke up feeling like shit, but I managed to get myself out of bed and got myself to work. I wanted to be at work because of the new people that were starting and thought I should be there to help with the setups and any questions or problems that may arise. It wasn’t until I got to work that I realized that I was in no shape to be in the office.

I only worked an hour-and-a-half before I left for home at 9. I knew things weren’t going to work out when I felt lightheaded and almost fainted twice from standing at my desk. Both times, I just took a seat and breathed it out. I walked my ass to the Expo line, then home, and then went to go get some meds and then knocked the fuck out.

Unfortunately for me on that day, Pickles got the shits, so every few hours I had to get up and walk his ass.

It’s been a rough two weeks of being sick, but I’m on the mend. I went to the doctor and got my meds and I’m actually feeling better.

Let’s hope that this will be the last of this illness for a while, because it wasn’t fucking fun.

* * *

The big moves are happening over the long weekend in the office. I don’t know how things are going to work out, but I have zero faith in it.

Zero.

Usually when I have zero faith, things go well, so, I guess we’ll see what happens on Monday when the movers/packers come back to setup the workstations. I’ll stop by for a few hours to help, but Tuesday is going to be the big day.

Most everyone is moving. 200+ moves and now I’ll have to relearn where most everyone sits. It’s going to be interesting.

* * *

Whole30.

It’s still going. I’m sure I have broken the cleanse so many times especially with all the drugs I took to get better, but for the most part, in terms of ingesting food, I’ve been doing well. Well, maybe except the hummus on Thursday, but man, it was good and I totally forgot that I can’t have it. Oops?!?

I got about a week-and-a-half to two weeks left in the cleanse and then I can start reintroducing all the yummy stuff back to my diet. I hope that it isn’t as bad as it was and that I can eat everything without any problems and that my stomach just needed a little reset. I hope.

As of today, I lost about 13 pounds in this cleans. Five of those pounds were lost overnight during the beginning of my sickness, on that night that I slept for 20 hours.

I’m at the lowest weight since about twenty or so years and I need to put some weight back on. I think about I’m good between 145 and 150 where I’ve been for the past few years. Slowly, I’ll get up there once I start to reintroduce stuff back to my body.

* * *

The darkness was bright.

The silence was loud.

Who would have thought that those were so pronounced during my short two-hour experience in a sensory deprivation tank?

Float Lab, located in Westwood, is the closes float tank next to me. I’ve wanted to try a sensory deprivation experience for a while now and watching a few BuzzFeed videos, I’ve decided to look into it.

I booked my appointment earlier in the week and today was the day.

Overall, it was an interesting experience. I didn’t know what to expect with the experience. I understood the concept, but I didn’t know how my body and most importantly my mind would take it.

Would I freak out and get claustrophobic? Would my mind wander down some dark places or would it find stillness in the void and reach a level of Nirvana? I didn’t know.

How was the experience? It was…interesting.

I would do it again.

I’ve been sick most of the week since I started with the Whole30 diet. My body is fighting the low-carb flu as it finds ketosis and I’m still recovering from that. I’m not at 100%, plus my neck had been so fucked up that it hurts. I have a chiropractic appointment next week to help relieve the pain.

I’m sure that if I was at 100% health that my experience would have been a little more different.

One thing that I didn’t expect was how much you feel your body while in the tank. I felt every muscle sore and joint creak.

For most of the two hours that I floated, all I felt was my neck and how much it hurt. As I moved my legs, stretching them, bending them, I felt the joint pains and the tightness of my muscles. It brought to attention how fucked up and how tense my body was.

Also, I had to pee. Fuck, I had to pee so bad that I almost peed in the pool, but I held it. Just when I felt that I needed to relieve myself, the knock came to let me know that my time was up.

Next time, no water. Don’t drink anything before, only after.

* * *

My body was loud even though it can’t speak.

Different parts of it screamed at me for attention. My bladder pounded and pressed, wanting to be relieved.

My knees creaked as I adjusted my legs. My neck ached as it found its balance. My limbs screamed at phantom contact, thinking that they touched the wall, when there was nothing there.

There’s nothing to focus on in there but your body.

I focused on my breathing. In. Out. In out in out.

In.

Out.

Each breath loud in my head. Each breath reverberates an echo, like a cycle and each exhale was like a gale force wind blowing past my ears.

Loud.

Stomach noises ping my ears with its burps and movements.

In the end, my body was an orchestra playing its distinct symphony of a half-broken man, hoping to change its tune.

* * *

Mind wanderings.

It was fine. It was safe.

I kept mindfulness, being present, trying not to let my mind wander down any rabbit holes or paths that I didn’t want to go or know that I wouldn’t be able to get control of it again.

It was safe.

It focused on the breathing. It focused on the experience, taking in any sensations and observations and making notes.

I saw a lot of green in the dark; then the colors muted to gray dancing clouds in front of my eyes like the Aurora Borealis.

The water and tank was warm, hot even when I first entered, but then cooled as our temperatures found each other.

Notes and observations. My mind took in everything.

It wandered from time to time….

My father. My life. Am I happy? Girls, infatuations…but the wandering was minimal.

Time.

I wondered about time. How long has it been? How much time did I had left?

I was surprised at how much my mind didn’t wander. Very surprised, but it did wander some as there was a moment when I felt that I drifted off to a restful sleep, dreaming of random flickerings that only the subconscious could do.

Those were short and random.

* * *

Spinning.

In the pitch-black, no visual reference, floating in a vast empty void, my mind did at times believe that I was in a vastness of emptiness.

At times, I felt that I was slowly spinning in a circle like a leaf in a still pond. It rotates without a care, but I was still in the water.

It was a very strange feeling, being able to let go reality and believing in that lie.

I think next time, I should allow myself to lose control and not focus on anything. I think because it was the first time, I felt that I needed to take everything in and see if I like what was happening.

I did enjoy the moments of floating and letting go, embracing that feeling of being in nothing. It was nice. It was calm.

* * *

Stretching. Finding place.

There were times when I would just float to the side of the pool and that throws you off and you fight to center yourself or to a point in the pool where you are just floating in emptiness again. Those are the times when it takes you out of everything and you try to get back.

But then there are times near the end when you just stretch to see what happens. You contort your body into different shapes to see what happens. You get listless.

I was there near the end, that listlessness. I think if I was stuck in that mindset for another hour I would have lost it and would have gone to dark places. But in the end, I knew that I had control. I chose to be there and I had the ability to get myself out of it.

* * *

The end.

Leaving.

I showered and walked up the stairs and then out into the world again.

The world was the same as I left it, if not a little brighter and a little louder, but with a sense of calm and serenity.

Even now, my body still feels calm. My mind feels calm. Relaxed.

I’m plugged into the world, in my devices, with all of its distractions that I am comfortable with. There’s no anxiety, but a tranquil veil of normalcy.

I like this feeling.

There’s no pressure. There’s no fear.

Zen.