It had become my morning routine while I’m up here to go to the coffee shop and do some writing and unwinding and just be by myself.

This morning was no different as I settled in with my coffee checking my social media to see what everyone else is up to.

Then I notice that my laptop isn’t charging and it seems that the outlet isn’t working or that my charger broke after plugging it into the end table last night. I’m not sure which.

I don’t have much time here this morning, which is fine. I could always continue at home since I probably won’t be doing anything today either.

It’ll be a slow slow week as I wait patiently for my flight back home on Saturday night.

* * *

There isn’t much to write about this morning since I finished the year-end diatribe yesterday.

It wasn’t my best effort as I struggle to just write.

My mind doesn’t like to work from time to time and these past couple of days with that entry was no different. It was a fractured thematic approach of just listing off things that I did this past year, not unlike the entries for the past couple of years, but it was definitely lacking and not my best.

Maybe I just need a break from writing in general. Who knows?

POWER!

It was my wire. Some of the conducting metal broke due to Relish’s chewing. Fucking bitch.

I’ll have to go to Best Buy and buy another one or something or should I just consider getting a new laptop now?

I’m not sure yet. Definitely not sure yet. This old beast is still good to go for another year or so, or at least another few months.

It’s just slow and there’s always better.

I got this laptop about four years ago and it’s around that time for an upgrade. Definitely around that time for an upgrade.

Looking over this laptop, I don’t have much on here. Some music and all my working files that I’ve synced up to my google drive. All replaceable.

Either way, if I buy one today and wipe this one down and give it to mom, I’ll still need to get a new adapter for mom.

Might as well just stick with a new adapter for another year and then think about getting another laptop down the line.

That’s the thing with technology, it’ll always get better given time at the same price point or maybe cheaper.

* * *

It was cold last night. The room was comfortable and I got some decent sleep, but I meant in the outside world.

The streets were slick this morning. Lots of ice. It’s nice to experience some kind of weather again besides the constant sunny skies of Los Angeles.

I give it to LA that the weather was moody the week before I left, but still, on average, it’s a nice beautiful day.

Can’t complain about that too much.

* * *

Here it is again, that time of year.

I’m home home, in this foreign but familiar little coffee shop that has come to be my place since my brother moved out here. It changed from a Tully’s to now Asensio.

This is my place while I’m here, doing my tappings, my diatribes, my writings.

It is here where I’ll do my yearly bah humbug to all.

Let’s hope this go well.

* * *

2016.

What can I say?

It was like most years now, a blur. A blink and it was gone. A blink and the year will soon be a distant memory.

I have a few days left and I’m sure these days will go by and blend with every other day in my mind.

2016.

Overall in the grand scheme of things was a shitty year for the world. Lots of deaths and the politics was hell. We have a new President in Trump. England is leaving the United Kingdom. Racism is on a surge as is police brutality.

People are just fucking horrible and they ask me why I like to be alone?

Yeah, those two things can pretty much sum up the global health of the world.

Here’s a little song that pretty much sums up 2016: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yv_rl3MYKA

We’re fucked, but the year is over and it can’t possibly get any worse in the coming year, right?

Here’s to hoping.

There’s that optimism again.

Sigh.

2017, let’s hope that it’ll be better for everyone else, if not, let’s just fucking go all out and kill everyone, okay?

* * *

2016.

It may have been a shitty fucking year for most everyone else and the world, but looking back, it was another great year for me.

It definitely was another Year of Phong and I’m not ashamed of that. No, there definitely isn’t anything wrong with another #partyofone year.

That’s been my motto for so long, that I don’t know if it’ll ever change.

As I do most every year, I just do me and do what I want. I spend most of my time alone with little changes that pushes me to do things that are out of my comfort zone and such. I went out a little more and I traveled and did my trips and I worked.

It was a continuation of what I did last year, which was going back to my roots and my lifestyle when I first moved down to Los Angeles. I’d just work, go watch movies, and do whatever it is that I wanted to do. Nothing much else. I lived.

Life.

It’s like most everyone’s life, but it is my life and I lived it according to my rules and my decisions. No one made any decisions for me or forced me into things. My life.

My life.

2016.

It was a great fucking year.

I hope it continues onto 2017.

* * *

2016.

As much as I love saying that this year was the Year of Phong, it wasn’t all me.

Looking back, it was actually a big year for family also. It was a balanced year with family. I saw a lot of them this year with family get-togethers and what not.

I saw mom about four or five times this year when on average it’s about twice a year. A lot of family. Well, that’s what I consider to be a lot for me.

I guess with 2015 being such a solo year, I needed to find balance with everything else and this year was that. It was a year of me and of family.

Family is good. I know it doesn’t seem like it matters much to me since I’m always alone and love to spend my time alone without anyone, but I love my family.

It’s always a good thing to get together and catch up, especially with family that I haven’t seen or talk to in a while. In a way, I miss those days, where my cousins and the rest of the family would just gather and hang out.

It doesn’t happen as much anymore with everyone all grown up with families and lives of their own. It’s few and far between, but they are things that I cherish when it happens.

Last year was at Dat’s wedding and this year was at Maggie’s wedding that we all got together and just hung out.

I had a great time hanging out and blacking out with my younger cousins at the wedding. I’m sure I won’t be doing that anytime soon, but it was just great bonding.

Fresno.

I haven’t been to Fresno in years; maybe it was before all the moves to Reno when Kent and Amy were still home, but this year, I’ve been there three times. Once after my little trip to Yosemite, then in September for Maggie’s Chinese wedding and surprisingly for me, on Thanksgiving.

I’m sure it won’t be the last time in a while, but I would love to just keep Fresno visits to a minimum. It’s not because of family, it’s just that it is Fresno.

Looking back, yes, it was a good balance of me time and family time. It sure help make the year go by faster.

* * *

Travel.

Wanderlust.

Any year that I get to travel is a great year and this year my travels were plentiful.

My first travel of the year was the little wedding in Sacramento to Kathy’s wedding, but my first real travel that sparked this year’s travel theme was for my special weekend.

As per usual, I always try to get away and be alone for my birthday if I can. This year I decided to spend a long weekend up in Sequoia National Park. It’s been a while since I’ve gone and do something in nature for my birthday. The last time was probably back in 2012 for my road trip to the Grand Canyon and Arizona with Pickles. That too was a success.

Since that trip, it sparked my little wanderlust heart and decided to plan trips for every month since then. I planned little weekend getaways out to nature and I loved every single minute of it.

It was just great to get out to the great outdoors and relax and Zen out, find my peace walking the woods and climbing mountains.

May was my first real trip to Big Sur. I did a few hikes up there. Even though the weekend ended fucking horribly with the wine tasting or the overdoing the wine tasting, but it was still a great weekend.

The next was Yosemite in June. Whenever I go to Yosemite, I would always do most of the same hikes, but this year I did the hike up to Glacier Point and then the Panoramic Trail. It was just stunning and beautiful. Long and that last half hour down on the Mist Trail was fucking bullshit on my knees, but so beautiful.

In July and August was my two-week road trip back to Seattle with Pickles. Even though I didn’t get to do as much as I wanted because I got sick the first week, it was still great because of the Brotherhood 2.0 trip with my brother to Banff National Park.

Ahhhh, as I wrote before, it was an amazing trip. The drive there was beautiful as are the hikes. I loved it there and my only regret was not taking Pickles with me. If only he was younger.

September was Maggie’s wedding in Reno, so I decided to spend a few days in Lake Tahoe enjoying the sites and finding some hiking. Maybe I was in the wrong area, but there weren’t too many hikes. I needed to be further north, but it was still fun none-the-less. It was a great transition between nature and city vacation that I was going on.

October was Chicago. My beloved. I asked my boss if I could do my day-to-day out in Chicago while I traveled there for fun and he agreed and it was just amazing to be back in the city again, not being a tourist but being more of a local. I did some touristy things and explored parts of the city I never been while cheering on the Chicago Cubs in my favorite dive bar, Snickers. It was a blast and I hope to be back there again.

November was the wild card since I didn’t have anything planned and just thought I’d not do anything and go anywhere, but Sister called and invited me back to Fresno for Thanksgiving. It wasn’t technically a trip that is for me, but it was still a trip like Kathy’s wedding, so I’m making it count and of course, here I am in December with my final trip for the year.

Traveling.

It makes the year go by faster and I am truly blessed to be able to do it.

What kind of trips will 2017 bring? I don’t know, but hopefully our first family trip to Europe will happen. If not, then more trips for me.

2017, let’s travel to my heart’s content.

* * *

Projects.

They’re like little goals to accomplish through the year to make it feel like I’ve accomplished something and not be a bum.

I guess it is a way for me to cheat the whole learning and growing every year thing, but this year I had my projects and I went well and not so well.

I’ve only set out to do two projects this year, another cooking project and a new writing project. Could you guess how each one went?

The cooking project was fun and I learned to make a lot of new things that I would normally wouldn’t make. Unlike last year’s rule of making something I never made before, I set up a few more rules. I had to make 10 appetizers, 10 main/side dishes, and 10 desserts.

I imposed those rules because I don’t ever make appetizers and desserts. This forces me to learn new recipes and work with ingredients I never worked with before. Sure, it made the count easier, but sometimes it was hard to decide what to make.

Overall, it was a very successful project and with the new toy that I got, I’m looking forward to next year’s project. I still haven’t decided what the details of the project will be, but I’m looking forward to it.

The writing project went nowhere. The Blox and I decided to give each other writing prompts every week so we have 52 short stories by the end of the year. It didn’t happen. I believe we have about 30 prompts, but I have only finished 3 stories. Disappointing.

At least I still have those prompts and maybe I’ll get back to it, who knows. We shall see.

Sourdough bread.

In a way, this ties back to the cooking project, but not really. It wasn’t a project per se, but more of an obsession of my new DIY nature. I’ve been on a bread making tear this year and it’s mainly due to me not being a baker and constantly failing at creating bread.

I’ve wrote an essay on this for work that pretty much sums up the origin of it.

As I got a better grasp of the whole bread making process and became more comfortable with it, my bread making has slowed down quite a bit. My loaves aren’t perfect, but they’re not coming out like shit either. At the moment, I’m happy with them.

I’m sure there will be plenty of loaves in my future.

Besides those, there weren’t any other projects. My screenwriting had taken a backseat to this little void of mine and hopefully I can get back to it next year. Who knows?

* * *

Here goes another day.

2016.

Another popular death over Christmas. George Michael.

Fuck 2016. Just shaking my head.

* * *

Work.

Work is work.

There weren’t any big projects for me this year since the bulk of it was last year with the transition to Office 365. Sure, there were a few hiccups here and there this year, but nothing that I couldn’t manage.

The thing that is worth mentioning is my angered interaction with Microsoft. With them, I don’t know, they just bring out the worst in me. Maybe it is the language barrier and it makes me doubt my communication skills, but holy hell, if they don’t get my blood to boil. There were multiple times where I’ll just flat out start cursing the tech on the other end.

I know that is something that I’ll have to control better in the future. Something that I need to keep in check.

Other than that, there really isn’t much. Benjo brought it on to the task force as a consultant and researcher of tools and such and that will forever be an ongoing process.

There might be some good news that are coming up in the next few weeks that might make things a little busier for the team and that’s always good.

Work, it’s good. It gives me a great work-life balance and it’s not very stressful and that is something that I don’t think I would like to give up. I’m surrounded by good people and it’s an exciting agency for the type of work that we do (not to buy into the Kool-Aid), but we do.

Looking forward to another interesting year next year in terms of work, especially with the soon-to-be-announced good news.

* * *

Year of Yes.

I started this on a whim last year.

I know that when it comes to socializing and saying yes, it can be difficult because I’m such a stubborn person that likes my habits. I don’t like to go out. I don’t like to hang out. I just like to be on my own, but in a way, there are times that I don’t mind socializing. I’m getting a little better at it, with alcohol.

It’s not like I get asked to go do stuff a lot, but there are a lot of happy hours that I do get invited to.

I decided that I should just say yes, or that I should say yes and just do and go to whatever was asked.

For the most part, it was successful. I did go out a lot more this year, or to more of the happy hours that I’ve been invited to.

But it wasn’t all that successful because there were times when I just didn’t want to go or I had prior personal plans or I simply forgot to just say yes and go.

When Santos asked if I wanted to go hiking in the SM Mountains on a random Wednesday, I flat out said no. It’s really tough for me to get out of the house for something like that when I get home and had settled and it’ll be with people that I don’t know well. It wasn’t until a few days later or maybe the next morning when I realized I should have said yes because of the project.

I missed out on seeing Ms. D because I said no. Her friend asked me if I wanted to grab drinks with her and him one night and I said no. I gave a lame excuse that I had to go home and take care of my pets. Why did I say no? The same usual reasons. I didn’t know the guy well and seeing Ms. D, for me was very complicated given my history with her. I haven’t seen her since that random run-in at Westside Pavilion. I didn’t know how she would have reacted if I just showed up randomly, not knowing if she knew I was going to be there. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, even though I’m sure she’ll be thrilled or okay with me being there. Another reason, which is a lot more reasonable was that I gave blood that day and my body wasn’t sitting right. I needed to sleep and that’s what I did when I got home. I took a long nap.

But there were some unexpected surprises this year, like with Merv asking if I wanted to go get lunch with her and her cube mate. I would have said yes regardless because I was comfortable with the two of them and it wasn’t a bad outing.

Year of Yes 2016. It wasn’t a bad experiment which I’ll probably carry over to next year. I need to grow and I need to socialize more.

* * *

Alcohol.

With all the going out that I did this year, the more I drank. I’m a social drinker and it didn’t help that some mornings Dan would want to do some shots and with the Year of Yes, I obliged.

My alcohol of choice, whiskey neat.

It’s been about two or three years when that became my go to drink whenever I’m out and wine is still my go to when I’m at home cooking.

There’s been a lot of whiskey and I’ve probably drank more this year than any other year combined.

It’s not at an unhealthy level since I’m such a social drinker, but in a way, it is getting out of hand. Maybe the health issues that I’m experiencing stems from the drinking and I need to cut back.

Most definitely do.

I’m a person that do things in excess. I like to be alone in excess. I eat in excess. I drink in excess.

Drinking is a social lubricant for me. In a way, it helps with my social anxiety and calms my nerves whenever I’m out socializing and being with people that I don’t know too well. It helps loosen the inhibitions.

Hopefully I’m able to cut it down some.

Yeah, there was lots of alcohol.

Maggie’s wedding for example. That was a day of solidarity drinking for Dat and for celebration of the wedding.

It was the tequila.

Always blame the tequila.

2017, let’s cut it down significantly.

I got my liver and health to worry about.

* * *

Health.

2016 was a fucking rough year for me in terms of my health and my body.

Sure, I would get sick from time to time and that’s normal. With my old age, a cold wipe me out for days. I’ll be fatigued and physically drained where I just need meds and sleep.

But my whole digestion system, man, that’s something all in its own.

I still don’t have a clear idea of what is wrong with me. I brought up IBS to my doctor and he agreed without doing much testing. He suggested that I start taking probiotics and fiber which I did taking and it kind of helped, but not really.

I’m still constipated and the gas is never ending. I would always feel bloated and I don’t know what is fucking with my body.

I do need to keep a food diary and just jot down everything I’m eating and making note of how I feel afterwards and the next day. I just want this shit to be over with.

The past couple of months with my habit of giving blood, I noticed that my blood pressure isn’t the nice and normal 120/80 but slightly higher. It ranged from 128/78 or even 133/83. To me, they are not normal numbers, but they seem to be normal.

It wasn’t until this past week or two when I had severe stomach issues with gas pressure and IBS that I was suffering. I felt tired and my body temperature or what I was feeling kept fluctuating. I was light headed and my typical chest pain with tingling left arm happened again.

It’s not a heart attack even though I was so convinced that it was. I was so anxious and that I went to urgent care and they did a small checkup on me. My ekg and blood turned out normal but my blood pressure was slightly high. 155/38. The urgent care physician said it was okay for me to fly and if I start vomiting or notice blood in my stool to go to the emergency room.

My personal care doctor said same thing.

I’ve been taking my blood pressure almost daily since I got back and it is still high. 147/83. 133/90. Fucking weird numbers.

It could be the alcohol or the stress from the anxiety or it could even be the fucking coffee I’ve been drinking.

My mind was going bonkers, thinking of the worst-case scenario, being negative. I called my insurance and spoke with a nurse and she said I should be fine. My IBS and everything could be caused my stress, but here’s the thing, I don’t feel stressed.

But, I skipped the coffee yesterday and now I switched to tea. I’ll take another test and see how it goes. I feel wired and it’ll probably come back up as high.

But I know that I need to start exercising and be more health conscious. Even though I cook a lot and cut out a lot of preservatives and processed foods, it’s still a good idea to eat better.

Eat more salads, dammit.

2017. Let’s be a little healthier, shall we?

* * *

People and Socializing and Relationships – Just playing nice.

Let’s get this out of the way, since 2016 was a continuation of the Year of Phong, there were no relationships. Didn’t try and for the most part, it never crossed my mind to. I wanted and needed to be alone again. It’s becoming status quo or it was status quo and being in a relationship is not normal for me.

I wouldn’t say not all hope is lost for all of those who think I should be with someone. Hope is never lost, I don’t think. I think for me, it’s just a matter of patience and just meeting someone that makes me want to go out and do things with.

I don’t know where I’ll meet this said person or who this said person should be, but the world is a big place and there are a shit ton of people. Who knows, but I think I’m reaching a point in my life where there’s a possibility that I’m open for a relationship.

I’m not totally closed off, yet.

With this past year’s Year of Yes, I did socialize a lot more with the going away happy hours and such and for the most part, it was great. It gets me out and socializing. Sure, there were times when I felt, this was a bad idea, but for the most part, I did manage to have fun or enjoy my time. Maybe I’ll continue this Year of Yes thing and be a little more diligent in saying yes and participating.

Overall, my relationship with people have been friendly and cordial, Microsoft Service Techs aside, they have been great.

Sure, there were a few hiccups here and there and a big blowout with a coworker that I still don’t understand and I don’t think I ever will, but c’est la vie. I’m stubborn and there’s no way I’m going to apologize and fix things for it. It’s not being petty, it’s more about attacking my character and who I am, accusing me of doing something that I didn’t do. I didn’t betray his confidence.

Then there is the matter of Ally being on my shitlist and me just fucking with her. It started out serious, but then it just got to be fun torturing her. Even though I accepted her friend’s request on FB, I’m still debating if I should let her off the hook. maybe. Who knows.

So yes, 2016, for this curmudgeon, had been a great year in terms of being friendly and social.

I think I’m a fair person. I give everyone an equal chance and I’m genuine cool with anyone until they fuck up. Then it’s over and given a little time, things get back to normal. I’ve fucked up multiple times, again and again, with many different people and for some odd reason I end up back in their good graces.

2016 helped me a little bit in socializing. I’m getting a little better, just only a little. Definitely could do better.

* * *

Furkids.

There were a couple of scares this year for my little kids.

The biggest was Relish and her sudden asthma attack. It scared the shit out of me and I felt horrible that I allowed it to happen. Even now, no one knows why this happened. I just hope that it doesn’t happen again. It was one of those times when I felt so totally helpless and I couldn’t do anything. I’m glad that she bounced back though. Very glad.

Pickles. My soulmate.

He’s old. He’s 11. I can tell that he’s lost a little spring in his step and I felt bad that I haven’t taken him on more adventures. He only went along with me once this year, on my trip up north. He got to visit the northwest and I allowed him to roam free on our daily walks.

Pickles gave me a little scare by faking an injury after I picked him up from doggy daycare after coming back from Banff. That fucker, but I’m glad he got better and bounced back.

I know he’s bored at home. I can see it. I know he wants to be out and about, walking.

Definitely going to try and do more of that this year. Maybe doing our long night walks again. Maybe. I guess anything to make him active is a great thing to keep him young.

He’s still young and energetic, which is great, but I do love my little son. He’s the world to me. He’s my everything.

* * *

2016.

Like any other year, it had gone by in a flash and it was another year when I bettered myself as a person and learned more about myself and grown. It was another year when I learned something new.

But also, it’s another year where I notice my faults. I could be a little more social. I could be a little nicer and I could always be better at keeping things told to me in confidence.

I think there was just one big slip up on that front and that had to do with work and business. When it came to my coworker, for the most part, I kept it private and only brought it up when asked by my other coworkers in conversation. I guess I could have feigned ignorance and that would have been the best way to go, but for the most part, I’m decent at keeping my mouth shut when it needs to be.

As I say on this little blog of mine time and time again, we could always learn new things and be a better person. If you aren’t learning and bettering yourself, you aren’t growing and I have another year to do that.

Just be better.

* * *

2016.

Another year in the books.

Like any other year in the past handful, it’s been a great year for me.

I’ve thrived on my independence and freedom, doing whatever I felt like doing and not caring what other people think of it.

It’s been a year of growth, albeit minimal, but still a year of growth. In a way, it was a year where I let loose a little and be a little more carefree.

Sure, there were a few setbacks, but what doesn’t have their setbacks. Just learn and grow from them. It’s all that you can do.

Sure, there are a few fears, insecurities, and general anxiety that I normally feel, but that is normal. There definitely isn’t anything wrong with being a little scared. It’s how you know you are alive and feel.

It’s another year of finding myself and being another person.

So, here, now, 2016, I bid you adieu.

2017, here I come. I welcome you with open arms.

I hope you give me and everyone an opportunity to learn and grow and just enjoy and live our life.

I know there are many shitty things that will happen because of everything that happened in 2016 globally, but let’s hope that it’ll be a better year, okay?

It’ll be a dawning of a new era globally and maybe it’ll be a start of something new and unexpected for me also.

Will 2017 be the year where I make drastic changes in my life, good or bad?

Will 2017 be the year where I finally get some of my shit together?

I don’t know, but I welcome the possibility to try.

2017. A blank canvas for me to continue the masterpiece that is me.

2016, good bye.

2017, bring it.

I’ve been coming to Volcano Tea House for years. Maybe it had been over ten years, but it’s a long time.

Throughout these years, I’ve seen so many boba girls come and gone. Some I will develop relationships with, in terms of being friendly and chatty and with one, became a girlfriend and then an ex.

So many have come and gone as I would come in here during my usual weekend ritual to do some writing. Some I knew their names and many they were just friendly faces that make my tea.

But that’s the thing with this service industry where most of your workers are young college students. It’s a fickle business.

Speaking with Rei this morning, she being one of those that is uber friendly and that I speak with, I learned that Iris, a very young cute boba girl that I was friendly with, got married and quit.

The crazy thing is how young she is. 21. Her husband, a tall white Irish man, who is a year younger.

Holy fucking hell.

Maybe I’m just an old grumpy ass fart, but holy hell shit, that is just way too young to get married.

But I do hope that everything is okay with her and that she’s fine and happy.

I’m sure I’ve wrote about my stances of marrying young in this little platform before, but I just can’t understand why.

* * *

It is me.

I’m not a relationship person, even though I totally thought I would be.

I was the young hopeless romantic. Am I still one?

Young, no.

Hopeless romantic? Doubt it.

That naivete is gone, replaced by an old grizzled harden shell that looks at things in a realistic tinged light. It’s who I became and I’m sure 100% the reason why I am still single right now, trying to figure out if I want a relationship or not or if I’m just scared to be in one.

I just don’t know who to make compromises, but then again, I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone that I’m willing to make compromises for. Maybe that’s the rub?

Will I ever meet that someone that I am willing to make compromises for? Who knows? I just need to allow someone to get in first and many say that I’m very difficult to let people in.

Maybe I am guarded. Losing my father made me that, not wanting to get hurt anymore. Not believing that I am strong enough to suffer another heartbreak, but no, I don’t think so.

I went in on these relationships with my now exes, not with these tainted eyes, but with maybe a hint of optimism to see where things go.

Again, I am the type of person that don’t know how things are until I actually go through it and experience it. I make my judgment off my experiences for the most part.

If at any time during the relationship I don’t feel it, I don’t feel it.

It’s that simple.

That’s what happened with my last ex, but I just felt bad and dragged it on too long or maybe I got into it thinking that I was just broken and that I needed to push through it because there is something inherently wrong with me and by being in it longer my feelings will change.

It didn’t.

Maybe I can see that in the future and just end things when I know that it should end.

Maybe.

Who knows?

* * *

2017.

What does it have instore for me?

Looking at the horoscopes, it doesn’t seem like it’ll be a good year for me. Just mediocre.

Who knows, right?

Just found this horoscope and it seems like I’m in for an interesting year of growth and change: http://astrologyclub.org/horoscope-2017/aries-horoscope/#overview

That’s a good thing since that’s the point of life, growing up, admitting your faults and working on them to make you a better person.

I know myself. I’m aware of myself and self-worth and know the type of person I am. I know my flaws and definitely know I am not fucking perfect.

But, I do know that I’m in a good place in my life. I love the life I’m living and am constantly trying to feel better about myself and my life. That’ll never change.

It’ll be an interesting year next year if the horoscope proves true.

But, I think I’m ready. I kind of have to be, right?

* * *

Changes.

I know that I need to work on my health next year.

I need to figure out my stomach issues. I don’t think it is as extreme as I am making it out to be. I’m a hypochondriac, but it is not normal.

I’m suspecting IBS and I need to figure out what is the trigger food and try to avoid it.

I need to be more diligent and have more self-control in that front. I need to work out and be healthier.

Whether that means joining a gym or just working out more at home, I don’t know, but it is something that I do need to do.

Be more active.

2017.

There’s a lot of things I need to do and just change, like I do every year, but maybe I should stick to these little resolutions. Even if they are baby steps. Change takes time. It starts slow and then eventually they just are.

* * *

Holiday break.

No idea what I’ll be doing over the break. I’m sure it’ll be my typical trying to stay fucking warm during the day while I just chill with mom or just being upstairs watching movies or shows while mom is downstairs.

I don’t even know what I’m going to cook for Christmas. Probably nothing too fancy and just the regular things I normally cook. Pasta, vegetables, and who knows what else.

I don’t even know if I’ll venture out on my own or I’ll just be cooped up in the house the whole time.

Everything is up in the air. That’s what I get for not having a car.

I know for sure I won’t be winning any step contests over the break.

* * *

My writing has been very distracted and slow today.

That’s usually how it is when I don’t have a clear idea of what I want to write about and am just purging.

I’m just looking at my reflection in the mirror and man, do I look fucking old.

It’s been a rough year for me health wise. Wasn’t my strongest year.

To next year.

Starting next week, I’ll start writing my yearly bah humbug.

I got four more days of work to get through and then the year will be over.

Just a few more days.

I can survive.

I can do this.

Let’s go.

Boom Clap indeed.

My body gave up on me yesterday. My body screamed its frustration and went on strike. I couldn’t stand yesterday.

Work wasn’t happening like it should.

It was rough.

The day after the holiday party was usually rough, not just for me but for most of the agency.

I’ve had bad hangovers before and I didn’t have a bad one yesterday, it was manageable. It was that my body just said fuck you for sleeping so late and waking up so early.

Yeah, I would say I was horizontal for most of the day yesterday. My body needed rest. My body needed something other than exertion. My body needed hibernation.

* * *

For the most part, I was good at the party. I remember most of it, no blacking out and I manage my drinks reasonably. There were a few things that I don’t remember, like the conversation that I had with Sanson, June, and Nick. It was something about how all us Asians don’t care about something and Nick was the only one that does.

Don’t remember the details.

Overall, I had a good time. I enjoyed the company and didn’t really feel all that anxious.

It was raining that night, not that much, but it was the California misting that they call rain down here. So it was slick out.

Carel, Nick, and some other people walked to Sonny McClane’s and I slipped and fell. I remember that and I didn’t drink there. Or at least I don’t think I did. Just walked around chatting and wandering. By about 12:15 or so, I left and walked back to the office with Benjamin.

I got home about 12:30, stripped and fucking passed the shit out.

Overall, it was a good night. The aftermath, not so much.

* * *

For most of the day, I was hoping that I’d get to see and hang out with Merv at the party, but she got sick and didn’t go. ParkNg went, but we never hung out. I didn’t really hang out with any but Nick and Sanson.

The most memorable thing besides the fucking fall the whole night was the conversation with Nick about Ally. He’s backing her and trying to get her off my shit list, explaining her stance.

It wasn’t working for me. The basis of his argument was — She’s a millennial, give her a break.

That doesn’t fly with me.

Nope.

Still on my shit list. Probably made it worse.

Probably not.

* * *

Merv is cute. Very beautiful, but so young.

* * *

Tarot.

A receptionist at work have a set of tarot cards and from time to time I would do some readings for fun.

From the sound of things, I am at a great time in my life right now. I am where I need to be. I am great with myself and am sure of myself and have direction and know what I need to do. I should do exactly what I’m doing now and not worry about anything. Everything is great.

It feels right. It feels true. I am at a very good place in my life mentally. Physically, not so much with my stomach issues. Definitely want to get that fixed.

During these draws, I would pretty much be thinking about Merv and those are the cards I get.

I’m not going to put much stock on these cards and their meanings, but it was fun, none the less.

* * *

I had the opportunity to meet up with Ms. D during the week, but I opted not to.

I know that this was the year of yes and I should have said yes to the drink, but there was something that didn’t feel right, so I didn’t go.

First off, I gave blood that day and I was very woozy from it. I just needed to go home and rest.

Secondly, she didn’t ask. It was a friend of hers at work that said they were meeting up that night for drinks and he asked me to come out. Not that because I didn’t know him too well and I don’t deal well with people I don’t now on a social level, but it’s more about I don’t know how she would feel about it. I’m sure she’ll actually be fine with it, but I didn’t want to barge in and just show up.

But, she’s been popping up in my life lately after a long ass time of not.

The longest conversation that we had was just us chatting while she was in my beloved. It’s been a while since.

Then little small responses to my IG and what not.

She’s still on my mind.

She’s still in my head.

Sigh.

C’est la vie.

* * *

It’s a light gray outside. The sky a little darken from the hanging clouds.

There is no sun today. No bright light. There’s just the hazy gray of natural shade. Clouds.

It fits the tired mood that I am in. It fits the listlessness that I am feeling.

It fits me.

It is around that time of the year where I’m thinking of home. Home home. I’ll be flying up in about a week and a half for my usual winter break.

It’ll be spending cold days in the house with mom and watching movies and shows upstairs while mom chills downstairs.

It’ll be seeing some family and relaxing for the most part.

It’ll be no different than all of the other winter breaks.

* * *

Sleeping.

I haven’t been sleeping well since the time change. I’m not sure why, but my body isn’t adjust too well.

I seem to be getting up earlier and earlier. 4AM. Fuck. Just kill me.

I need a nap.

* * *

Now here comes the big question when I go home over the break, how am I going to get away and write?

They sold the truck. I don’t have a ride and I don’t want to take mom’s car because she might need to go somewhere.

Since I wake up so early anyway, maybe I’ll just get up early and go and come back before she wakes up. I’ll ask the night before to see what her schedule is. That’ll be the only way. We’ll make it work.

I’ll make it work.

* * *

Enjoy the Silence

I love the silence. Solitude, but I’m not alone.

There’s always a furkid at home to keep me company.

It’s quiet today at Volcano. Besides the three girls behind the counter, I’m the only one here.

The world outside seems quiet. Maybe everyone feels like staying in, being cozy in their bed with a book or with a loved one. Who knows?

It is quiet.

Is this the calm before the storm?

It sure feels that way. The end of the year. New politics. The world heads toward a new unknown.

* * *

My mind wanders as I search for movies and things to pass the time today; something to pass my life away.

Maybe I’m just getting into a moody funk after what happened on Friday, but I don’t know.

I actually had a good time at the going away happy hour. I didn’t think about anything but spending time there and having whatever conversations that I had.

Whether it was about the hipsters and the stupid Anti-Social Social Club or even talking about cooking with Jessica. It had a good time.

* * *

The company holiday party approaches. It’s this Thursday night.

These parties have been a mixed bag. Some would be a good fun filled night of enjoying the moment and others would be a drunken dilemma of social anxiety.

What would this year’s party be?

Will I be able to control my libations to just have enough to let loose and not be so fucking anxious and just have a fucking great time, or would it be one of those sloppy drunken nights where I’ll need to be baby sat?

I don’t know, but I’m going to make a conscious effort to make it the former. I’ll make an effort to just not get drunk or maybe I just won’t drink. Stay away from shots and just slowly sip.

No gulping.

Socializing? That’s a whole different thing.

I usually don’t at these things. I find my little corner away from people and just people watch, as I sip my juice.

Some years would be good as I would bounce around different groups, but with all the new faces in the agency, that haven’t been the reaction for the past few years.

Social anxiety.

That’s always been me.

Let’s just hope things don’t spiral down this year.

Let’s just hope.

Maybe it’ll be fun. Maybe it won’t.

I’m not expecting anything.

I’ll just show up and see what happens.

We’ll see.

Man, it’s been a shitty week at work.

It wasn’t that work was bad or that I was overwhelmed with things to do. No. It was actually slow and that was what was killing it.

Maybe it had to do with me recovering from a cold earlier in the week, me taking Monday off, then heading back to work on Tuesday, but the rest of the week was slow.

I thought it was Thursday or even Friday when it was only Tuesday.

It was a slow malaise torture. Horrible.

Then Friday came.

Things started out great. It was all nice and jokey and great. Had a discussion with my boss about some issues that we are experiencing and some other news and discussions.

I then went on my usual walk around the office and was stopped by Stone, who wanted to speak to me about one of the issues that were discussed with my boss in the morning. I directed him towards my work partner, since he’s the one that handles the situation and I’m not very helpful on what he needs to do because I don’t know much about it.

Simple. Clean. It was the plan of action that was discussed in the morning, that my work partner would reach out or discuss the situation with them anyway. I did that. I pointed them that way.

When I got back from my little walk, I got an angry IM from him saying what I did, speaking to Stone and telling him to talk to him, was not cool.

It was not cool. It was “us talking”.

I couldn’t understand it. I didn’t understand what I did wrong and why he’s reacting this way. He was on the phone working on another situation, so I couldn’t talk with him. He wasn’t answering his IMs either.

My boss came to me to check to see if a SD card was corrupted when I pointed out the conversation that we had. My boss didn’t understand it either.

So, as time gone by a little, I was just waiting for a response and none came. I explained to my boss exactly what happened, since he was part of the discussion that I had in the morning to see if I did something wrong or if I wasn’t supposed to talk with Stoner about it. Again, I didn’t seek him out. He saw me walking the halls and asked if I could speak to him. That was it.

My boss couldn’t see anything. I waited, then had to answer a tech call and left the floor or maybe I went on another walk. But when I got back, my partner exploded at me. We had a short verbal spat and that was that.

Fuck.

I just hate being around sensitive people. I still don’t understand why that set him off. I don’t understand what I did wrong. I kept going back to that morning discussion and then the talk I had with Stoner to see if I broke any social/professional decorum and I don’t think I did.

I’m not the type that follows many of these said etiquettes or decorum, but I don’t think I did anything wrong.

Later there was a closed-door meeting between my work partner, my boss, and a third-party mediator that was there to calm the situation down. Then I had my own closed door meeting.

Even my boss said that he has no idea what happened. Even when pressing my partner, he couldn’t come up with a reason.

No fucking clue what the fuck happened. No fucking clue about anything.

Fucking sensitive people.

Those who know me know that I’m not afraid to admit when I did wrong. I’m self-aware enough to know when I did something wrong or when I do something that many other people might construe as being fucked up because my lack of tack or my whateverness of decorum.

Fuck it.

Fuck it all.

* * *

It’s getting down to that time of the year.

Time is winding down so it can start a new again.

What will the new year bring? Who knows, but it’s anyone’s guess.

With the new presidency looming and fiasco joke that is our political system, it’s a tossup. I just want to see the show and hope that there is very little collateral damage, but we shall see.

On a smaller scale, it is winding time for me to look back over the year and prepare for my little yearly diatribe, my little a bah humbug to all.

Looking back, on a small micro scope, it had been a great year for me for which I’ll go into more detail in my yearly writeup, but yeah, it was a great year.

2016.

It wasn’t a great year on a global front. There were many losses and our political climate is a fucking nightmare that could only be describe as a joke. The world is on a trajectory of ending and it seems like most everyone is participating in it.

Can 2017 save it? Who the fuck knows.

Who knows.

I think that’s in a way a new thing for me, I just don’t want to think about it. The politics and the new presidency…don’t want to think about it.

The whole situation and newly strained relationship at work…don’t want to fucking think about it.

A possible new relationship…as much as I do and honestly, I really can’t get it out of my head…don’t want to think about it. I just don’t want to jinx it.

I horrible when it comes to relationships and girls and I am horrible at reading and picking up signs. I’m just going to fucking not stress it and just go about my business and see where things go. That’s all I can really do. That’s all I need to do.

* * *

Shit list.

I have a shit list at work.

I can’t tell you who’s on it, but there are a few people on it. They are either difficult or had me do something that sucked, therefore ended up on there.

Sometimes, they just didn’t do what I need them to do and therefore, shit listed.

A particular shit-listee said that there wasn’t much of a consequence of being on my shit list, that it doesn’t mean anything, so I’m kind of making her pay for it.

She doesn’t seem to happy about it, questioning people in my department as to why I’m mad at her and trying to get me to stop being mad at her.

I would say now, at this point of the situation, about 90% of the time, I’m just fucking with her and 10% of it is because she’s on my shit list, plus an extra 100% of the time is because I’m a dick and making it worse for her because she said that there was no consequence of being on my shit list.

She’s none too happy.

I’m sure my cohorts have told her or gave her some inkling as to why she’ son my shit list, maybe. I hope not.

I don’t know how long I’ll keep her in the dog house, but I’m sure eventually I’ll be whatever about it and it’ll just run its course.

Who knows?

So far, I’m having fun.

* * *

Relaxing.

That’s the plan for today.

Cooking.

Old fashioned braised short ribs instead of the sous vide.

Holy fuck shit, let’s talk a minute about the fucking sous vide short ribs I did.

Looking on the interwebs for the best way to sous vide short rib, I concluded it would be cooking it at 140 degrees for about 50 hours and that was my plan.

Instead of doing a simple salt and pepper seasoning while it cooks, I decided to do a Korean bbq flavored. I whipped up a gojujang sauce marinade, put it in a bag with the short ribs and let that bitch cook.

50 hours later, I seared them for a big on each side, pour over some of the reduced extra marinade I had left and it was done.

I served the rib over a bed of cauliflower mash and some sautéed broccolini.

I didn’t know what to expect with the short rib. I cut into it. Tender as fuck, but still held together like a steak. It wasn’t flaky as one would find in a typical braised short rib.

I took a bite and it almost melted in my mouth. The fat rendered completely. It was so tender and the kbbq flavor was there. I almost fucking cried. It was so fucking good. So fucking good.

I’ll have to do it again, most definitely, but not at the moment.

I know that there will be a lot of experimenting and new recipes now that I got the Anova sous vide stick. I can’t imagine the possibilities of what to do, but I’m excited as hell.

Cooking.

Relaxing.

That’s what I need to do to just forget about everything that I don’t want to think about, which is quite a lot at the moment.

Quite a lot.