Turkey day just passed.

I didn’t plan on cooking this year or I never thought about it before Sister from Fresno called me up and invited me to spend Thanksgiving with her family. I agreed, even though I tried to make it less about family this year, but I guess the Year of Yes got to me.

The three days that I spent there wasn’t bad, but it was just long as fuck. It’s been a while since I’ve gone to Fresno for Thanksgiving and just a couple of years since I’ve not spent Thanksgiving alone. The last time was a few years ago at Big Auntie’s.

Again, overall, the weekend wasn’t bad. I got back to LA at a reasonable time for me to pick up Pickles from the vet and I didn’t do much since getting back. Just made some congee with the pickled mustard greens that Sister made for me and then just binged a few episodes of the new Gilmore Girls.

But I know that I just need to unwind and destress from the long weekend. I need to get some cooking done and try out my new cooking toy, the Anova Sous Vide stick. There was a sale on Amazon for Black Friday and I jumped right on it.

On the menu, ribeye steak and some fixings to go with it. I also have a crab cake wonton cup appetizer planned to finished off my 2016 cooking project. I so desperately need to do some cooking and relax.

It was just a long weekend around people that I didn’t anticipate being around. Again, family wasn’t bad, but I do like my alone time.

* * *

The fear of ending up alone.

I think many people have that fear and I’m sure I had that fear when I was younger. Now, not so much.

I think or would like to think that I know that I’ll be genuinely okay if I end up living the rest of my life alone. In a way, I’m kind of rooting for it or self-sabotaging my life to make it end up that way.

There’s a part of me that wants to be in a relationship and then again, there’s a huge part of me that doesn’t. I’ve spent many posts on that subject.

But even if I do have that fear, I don’t think that I’ll have it dictate my life and make me rush to get into a relationship whether I’m ready for it or not. I don’t want to settle nor should I settle for someone just because she’s there. That’s one of the worse reasons to get into a relationship.

Why am I bringing this up? Well, someone I know is going through this and all I can do is just shake my head.

Sure, I shouldn’t talk since it isn’t my life and again, he and I are very different people, but come the fuck on man.

He’s afraid that he’ll end up alone. He thinks he’s old (just six months older than I am) and that his marketability is low. Confidence man

I don’t know. I just look at the situation and I’m just so confused by it.

Your marriage just dissolved two months ago, you move back home, and now you are in a relationship where it seems like she has moved in? Seriously, what the fuck?

She seems like a nice girl. A sweet girl from what I can see, one of those fobby good girls that all Chinese mother’s want in a daughter-in-law – aka A girl that I have no fucking interest in.

The whole weekend I’m just like, why? How much of what is happening is of pressure and how much of it is fear? It’s just way to fucking fast to get into anything so serious so quick.

Take a step back. Work on yourself. Do you and then think about getting back on dating again.

I just don’t understand it. I can’t comprehend it.

But again, my psyche is so ingrained with needing my independence and being on my own that I can’t understand why anyone would want to rush into being in a relationship so badly.

Maybe again, I’m just not a people person. I’m not a relationship person.

Like I told Phuc, I don’t get along with people. Family is different and I only see you all once or twice a year for a short period. Being around someone everyday constantly? Fucking kill me now.

I’m different, very different from most of my family. I’m the odd ball out.

When you drunkenly were talking about that he’s available to hang out any time since he’s back in Fresno and his girl is with him too, I’m like what?

She moved in now? You guys are cohabitating? You guys are married?

What the fuck is going on?

I do have to admit to see her when I arrived. She opened the door for me and I’m like, wow, you are here and I should have expected it, but you are here.

She was doing a lot of cooking when I got there, to help with the Thanksgiving dinner. I offered to help, but she, of course, declined my invitation.

So definitely not into a girl like that.

But that’s my own prejudice and my preference and that might not align with his. I honestly was surprised to see that he’s interested in such fobby girls. I thought he’d be with an Americanized Asian girl or a white girl. I wonder how much of it has to do with pleasing his parents?

But to each his own.

Then I heard that she’s changing you already. She wants you to grow your hair out and you are doing it. She wants you to put on anti-wrinkle cream which is so isn’t you and you did.

Anything for the girl I guess.

What the fuck?

Sigh.
* * *

Why am I so salty?

Why am I so, so frustrated and confused by this?

It shouldn’t affect me so much. It’s his life and I have no say in it. Let it be. Let him be.

It might be good for him. It might be the best thing for him. It’s what he wants.

Maybe it’s just because that’s not the type of person I am and I can’t believe anyone I know would make a decision like that or that I just wouldn’t do something like that.

Again, I’m just like, what the fuck?

Why?

I just don’t understand it and that’s where a lot of this frustration is coming from. I just don’t fucking get it.

I don’t.

Just be yourself and don’t let anyone change you and don’t change just because a girl wants you to change.

That’s just fucking ridiculous.

Sigh.