Turkey day just passed.

I didn’t plan on cooking this year or I never thought about it before Sister from Fresno called me up and invited me to spend Thanksgiving with her family. I agreed, even though I tried to make it less about family this year, but I guess the Year of Yes got to me.

The three days that I spent there wasn’t bad, but it was just long as fuck. It’s been a while since I’ve gone to Fresno for Thanksgiving and just a couple of years since I’ve not spent Thanksgiving alone. The last time was a few years ago at Big Auntie’s.

Again, overall, the weekend wasn’t bad. I got back to LA at a reasonable time for me to pick up Pickles from the vet and I didn’t do much since getting back. Just made some congee with the pickled mustard greens that Sister made for me and then just binged a few episodes of the new Gilmore Girls.

But I know that I just need to unwind and destress from the long weekend. I need to get some cooking done and try out my new cooking toy, the Anova Sous Vide stick. There was a sale on Amazon for Black Friday and I jumped right on it.

On the menu, ribeye steak and some fixings to go with it. I also have a crab cake wonton cup appetizer planned to finished off my 2016 cooking project. I so desperately need to do some cooking and relax.

It was just a long weekend around people that I didn’t anticipate being around. Again, family wasn’t bad, but I do like my alone time.

* * *

The fear of ending up alone.

I think many people have that fear and I’m sure I had that fear when I was younger. Now, not so much.

I think or would like to think that I know that I’ll be genuinely okay if I end up living the rest of my life alone. In a way, I’m kind of rooting for it or self-sabotaging my life to make it end up that way.

There’s a part of me that wants to be in a relationship and then again, there’s a huge part of me that doesn’t. I’ve spent many posts on that subject.

But even if I do have that fear, I don’t think that I’ll have it dictate my life and make me rush to get into a relationship whether I’m ready for it or not. I don’t want to settle nor should I settle for someone just because she’s there. That’s one of the worse reasons to get into a relationship.

Why am I bringing this up? Well, someone I know is going through this and all I can do is just shake my head.

Sure, I shouldn’t talk since it isn’t my life and again, he and I are very different people, but come the fuck on man.

He’s afraid that he’ll end up alone. He thinks he’s old (just six months older than I am) and that his marketability is low. Confidence man

I don’t know. I just look at the situation and I’m just so confused by it.

Your marriage just dissolved two months ago, you move back home, and now you are in a relationship where it seems like she has moved in? Seriously, what the fuck?

She seems like a nice girl. A sweet girl from what I can see, one of those fobby good girls that all Chinese mother’s want in a daughter-in-law – aka A girl that I have no fucking interest in.

The whole weekend I’m just like, why? How much of what is happening is of pressure and how much of it is fear? It’s just way to fucking fast to get into anything so serious so quick.

Take a step back. Work on yourself. Do you and then think about getting back on dating again.

I just don’t understand it. I can’t comprehend it.

But again, my psyche is so ingrained with needing my independence and being on my own that I can’t understand why anyone would want to rush into being in a relationship so badly.

Maybe again, I’m just not a people person. I’m not a relationship person.

Like I told Phuc, I don’t get along with people. Family is different and I only see you all once or twice a year for a short period. Being around someone everyday constantly? Fucking kill me now.

I’m different, very different from most of my family. I’m the odd ball out.

When you drunkenly were talking about that he’s available to hang out any time since he’s back in Fresno and his girl is with him too, I’m like what?

She moved in now? You guys are cohabitating? You guys are married?

What the fuck is going on?

I do have to admit to see her when I arrived. She opened the door for me and I’m like, wow, you are here and I should have expected it, but you are here.

She was doing a lot of cooking when I got there, to help with the Thanksgiving dinner. I offered to help, but she, of course, declined my invitation.

So definitely not into a girl like that.

But that’s my own prejudice and my preference and that might not align with his. I honestly was surprised to see that he’s interested in such fobby girls. I thought he’d be with an Americanized Asian girl or a white girl. I wonder how much of it has to do with pleasing his parents?

But to each his own.

Then I heard that she’s changing you already. She wants you to grow your hair out and you are doing it. She wants you to put on anti-wrinkle cream which is so isn’t you and you did.

Anything for the girl I guess.

What the fuck?

Sigh.
* * *

Why am I so salty?

Why am I so, so frustrated and confused by this?

It shouldn’t affect me so much. It’s his life and I have no say in it. Let it be. Let him be.

It might be good for him. It might be the best thing for him. It’s what he wants.

Maybe it’s just because that’s not the type of person I am and I can’t believe anyone I know would make a decision like that or that I just wouldn’t do something like that.

Again, I’m just like, what the fuck?

Why?

I just don’t understand it and that’s where a lot of this frustration is coming from. I just don’t fucking get it.

I don’t.

Just be yourself and don’t let anyone change you and don’t change just because a girl wants you to change.

That’s just fucking ridiculous.

Sigh.

I took a long weekend this week.

Veterans Day.

I didn’t plan on doing much besides baking. I baked a lot, about 21 loaves over the weekend.

There were some missteps and failures but currently most of them turned out all right.

Besides the typical sourdough hearth style bread, I made a brioche and attempted to try a Hokkaido Milk Bread.

I fucked up on the milk bread and I haven’t even shaped it. I should have left it out on the counter for a couple of hours last night or overnight to proof, but I stuck it right into the refrigerator instead.

I took it out this morning and hope, just fucking hope, that it’ll proof. Or maybe I just killed the yeast with the warm butter and tongzhang.

I don’t know, but I do hope that it works. I don’t care if it turns out tasty, I just want it to just fucking rise so I can fucking do something with it.

I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

Bread. That’s my weekend. Carbs. That’s my weekend.

I plan on doing what I did the last few times when I baked to practice, which is to wrap it all up and give them away at work or to whomever wants it. I’ll drop a loaf or two off to the homeless guy, but other hopefully I’ll be able to get rid of all of them.

* * *

Research.

I’ve been looking over Hokkaido Milk Bread recipes, trying to figure out what I did wrong.

What I did wrong was that I didn’t follow directions and plus the blog I was following was just fucking wrong. The blogger wrote that after I mixed the dough, wrap it up and then put it in the fridge overnight, which is what I did.

But, no. Everywhere else that I’ve read, let it proof for about two hours before putting it in the fridge. If I did that, I wouldn’t be where I am now, hoping, praying, that the damn dough will fucking rise.

But there’s always next week to try it out again.

* * *

Thanksgiving will be here in about a week and a half.

Like every year, I was invited to Robert’s party at Great Uncles and like the last few years, I had planned on not going and just doing a feast at home.

The problem was I never thought about what I was going to cook.

But then, Sister called me up and invited me up to her place for Thanksgiving. It’s hard to say no sometimes, so I agreed.

I guess it has been a long whiles since I’ve gone, so might as well.

Might as well indeed.

I guess in a way, I just wanted to fill my November with a small trip, even though it is up to family. It just means that I’ve made a trip every month since April, which isn’t too bad. Actually, I made a lot of small trips this year, starting in March with that wedding in Sacramento.

Not too bad at all.

* * *

Election Tuesday was this week and we now have a new President-Elect and it wasn’t a very popular choice.

Donald Trump.

In many’s eyes, it’s the end of the world. The United States has descended into a chaos and disappointment with riots and protests.

How can a misogynistic racist idiot get elected President?

Hillary wasn’t a strong candidate.

The DNC with their shady ways backed a candidate that, although fit to serve, wasn’t the right person to be the Democratic nominee.

People just don’t trust her. People just don’t like her.

I don’t trust her, and especially with all the WikiLeaks leaked emails from the DNC spelling out how the DNC conspired to get Hillary to be the Democrat Nominee, it made me like her less and ultimately made me not vote for her.

If she won the primaries fair and square without the whole fiasco that transpired, yes, she would have gotten my vote, but she didn’t.

Many voted against her or didn’t even vote because of that.

I didn’t vote for her because of that. I wrote in Bernie, even though I knew that California was going to go to Hillary. I got my protest vote. I got my conscientious vote in.

Many Democrats were shocked to see that happen. I think a majority of the country were shocked to see that Trump won, but was it really a surprise?

I think they just couldn’t fathom the idea that Trump would win, but early polls way back in the year showed that if the election was between Trump and Clinton, it’ll be a tight race with Trump possibly winning. If the race was between Trump and Sanders, Sanders would have won in a landslide.

What was so hard to understand? This poll was well before the primaries, but because of the push of the supposedly non-partisan DNC for Clinton, Clinton because the nominee.

It was a rough election. It was a very contentious election. It was even named to be an election to elect the “Lesser of two Evils”.

‘Murica.

* * *

I think that Trump wouldn’t be as bad as everyone is making it out to be. He was a Democrat and in a way, he was a smart businessman.

He knows how to play people and to play the system to get what he wants. He wouldn’t be up top where he is if he didn’t.

I believe that he’s just shooting the shit out of his mouth just to get the votes that he needs. He played toward the Republicans, spewing the putrid garbage and hate just because that’s what his base wants to hear. That got him the votes that he needed.

Now, hopefully, he’ll take a step back from everything he said and just take the damn job seriously and be the Democratic moderate that he was.

I don’t believe that someone so hateful could rear a daughter, Ivanka, that gave that very progressive and liberal speech at the RNC. There has to be a part of the real Trump in that speech. I hope.

* * *

So, the nation protests, fighting, with their hashtag #notmypresident.

Just fucking get over it. He won fair and square and he’ll be out President come January.

I don’t always agree with the conservatives and Republicans or even want to fucking agree with that pretty blonde with the horrific and loud hate that she spews, but she made a good point. She said exactly what I want to say to my own base.

Basically, he won fair and square. We don’t always win and get what we like, so stop fucking throwing these stupid temper tantrums, suck it up, and deal with it. Be a fucking adult.

Soon, the nation will come down and things will turn back to a semblance of normalcy and life will go on.

* * *

I don’t know what the future will hold. I’m not a prophet or a time traveler or a psychic. Trump could not finish his first term or he’ll do it and everything will be okay.

I’m willing to give him a chance. The country has spoken, well, the electoral college system, and not the popular vote, but Trump will become our President.

I really don’t care what happens. Life will go on.

Sure, there might be trouble, but when haven’t there been trouble when it comes to the world.

Stories of hate have been spiking after the election with middle-school children chanting “Build that Wall” during lunch or somewhat student calling a black student that word and telling him to go back to Georgia and pick cotton.

Hate is everywhere and it had always been here and it’s not going to go anywhere.

I would love to believe that we don’t have this issue anymore, but if the last fucking past few years have shown the world anything, it’s alive and well.

We would all love to think that we are very progressive and have changed, but hate is here.

Many POC are worried about their lives with the blatant racism that is going on.

I believe the racism isn’t directly related to Trump and his words and that these fucking white idiot fucktards are racist to begin with, but as my boss made the point that Trump’s words and actions did make it acceptable.

Racism and hate isn’t acceptable in the world. As much as I hate organized religion, Christianity and its flock in particular with their fucking hypocrisy; always preaching love and acceptance, but it was them that elected Trump.

They help elect this hate monger. This group that preaches and “practices” love and openness and the gospels of Jesus – the symbol of love – are the ones that helped elect hate.

Way to go.

Way. To. Go.

* * *

Let’s just see what happens now.

I had a plan this morning.

It’s the weekend before the election. The time just changed and I woke up at 7. I was going to go and vote early today.

Whelp, it seemed like everyone and their mother had the same fucking idea. Getting into the parking lot took 20 minutes and when I got to the line, it was wrapped around in a loop already. It looked like it was at least four hours before I could vote.

Nope. I’ll do it on Tuesday morning before work. The polls open at seven. I’ll walk to the station and shoot everyone an email letting them know I’m voting and will be in when I get in. Done.

Let’s see how it goes on Tuesday. It should be better. Let’s hope it’ll be better.

* * *

I tried a few new baking recipes yesterday from http://www.breadwerx.com and overall they turned out well. I made the baguette and the open crumb with 65% hydration recipe.

The baguette was probably better than any baguette I made or at least a little bit better, but the bread was just spectacular. The open crumb was amazing and that was the second loaf that I ever got that result.

The first time was a mistake, but this was on purpose.

I’ll have to read up and study his recipes on how to make bread, so I’ll probably be switching up my baking method soon.

I’m curious if I can replicate the recipe, but do a long cold fermentation after shaping instead of the 2-4 hours and see how the results go.

I’m curious as to what I did wrong with Josey Baker’s bread. Maybe the cold proof was way too long.

But, I see quite a bit of bread making experimentation in my future. I want to get a hang of it, making my own bread and getting a better understanding of yeast and bread.

But in the meantime, it’s just practice and enjoying a good loaf of bread.

* * *

I’m three recipes short from completing my cooking project for the year. I am two appetizers and a dessert away.

The dessert shouldn’t be a problem. Desserts are fine. I can come up with something, but it’s the appetizer that is the problem. That’s the rough one for me.

I just don’t know what to make. I’m sure my next big cooking adventure would be on Thanksgiving. What should I do? I need to come up with a menu. Should I do a theme like I did last year, a specific kind of food from a specific culture?

I don’t know, but it’s getting close. Maybe I should go to uncle’s for Thanksgiving? I don’t know what I want to do, but it’ll be something.

Who knows?

Who knows, indeed.

* * *

I had a scare this morning about this blog. I couldn’t navigate to any other page but the home page, but not that is fixed, thankfully.

With it fixed, I’ve been going through some random blogs in the past years to just read and reminisce and pass time, I guess. As I’m reading them, I don’t remember the situations that I wrote about or what was going on in my life. Sure, there were some big things that I wrote about that I remember, but the details and the specifics, no.

Then, it came to little code names that I use in these blogs and I’m trying to figure out who the fuck I was talking about. Who the fuck is Partner Partner? No fucking idea.

I don’t want to put real names on here if I can, but man, these little nicknames don’t fucking help if I don’t remember them. Yes, there are a few that I remember, ’cause they were easy, but the little ones? No fucking clue and I guess I’ll just have to live with it.

* * *

Man, it is fucking cold in here today. I mean, like cold cold shiver me timbers cold. I can barely write because I’m too busy shivering.

But yes, I am here again, trying to do some writing, but the whole navigation thing this morning disrupted the whole thing. I’m pressed for time, so I’m just rambling.

I didn’t have anything specific to write about this morning unlike last week when I wrote about the essays that I wrote for work.

I’m interested to see how what they are going to do with it and if they do decide to publish it on the new website, what the reception would be. Who knows?

* * *

There’s a new girl working the opening shift on Saturday. She’s not new. I’ve seen her around for a while now, but it’s the first time that I’ve dealt with her in the mornings.

Before it was Ashley for a while, but now that she’s moved to Fullerton, I probably won’t see her anymore.

But for the past couple of weeks, she’s been opening and she’s been leaving the door open for me and she remembers my drinks. Besides the familiar pleasantries exchanged between us, we barely talk, until today.

I asked her name and I introduced myself and she asked where I’d come from. That’s usually how the conversation goes as I’m sure they try to figure out what am I.

I told her I’m Chinese but born in Vietnam. She’s very surprised since I am so American and I explained to her that I came over when I was a baby.

She’s from the mainland, going to SMC and studying Economy. She’s hoping to transfer to UCLA next year and that was the extent of our conversation. It’s a start.

I’m not trying or doing anything but just being friendly as she is friendly with me, as I should be since I’m such a regular and they all give me my tea and let me sit in before it opens to get extra writing time. They didn’t have to do that, so why shouldn’t I be nice.

* * *

I don’t have much planned for today.

I just have a lot of cooking and baking to do. I have dough just sitting and fermenting and proofing. I know I already fucked up on the baguettes but I do have some reserved confidence on the country loaf I got going.

I think my problem with the bread that I’ve been making is that it was just too hydrated for my level. I’m not expert and working with high hydration dough is just tough.

Start small, lower hydration, get a better feel for it and that’s what I’m doing today. 65%.

It’s going to be another cycle of learning and new techniques and starting over again. That’s the best way to learn and I plan on learning and baking for a long time. It’s going to be another skill and another way for me to relax.

It’s important.

Very important.