I hurt.

I ache.

I’m tired.

I don’t know if that last one is just related to being old or the health issues I think I’m going through or I’m just tired from my lack of sleep and just have no energy, but fuck man, all in all, getting old sucks.

In the grand scale of things, I’m not too old. 37. I’m just 37. Not really that old at all, but fuck man, I’m like falling apart.

I slept late on Saturday night, like an hour or two past my bedtime finishing up the bread making and then woke up around my usual time that my circadian rhythm thinks is right for me to wake up and that was about it. 5 hours. Just about five hours of sleep and that just fucked me up all day yesterday and I’m still feeling it today even though I went to bed close to my bedtime.

Getting old sucks.

I’m damn sure I can get out of this little physical rut if I just treat my body a little better. Eat better and more often. Fuck, maybe even just eating a little more. Eating more calories so I have more energy to burn.

Exercise! Nah, who am I kidding, exerting that much force, though good for me, is just too much to ask for.

Eventually, I know when push comes to shove, it’ll happen. Maybe.

Who knows?

Who knows indeed.

But yeah, at the bbq yesterday at uncle’s, my knee just started to hurt. It was aching and it was just sore.

I didn’t understand why. I didn’t know why. I just know that it was fucking with me pretty bad and I was tired and I wanted to go home.

Thankfully, but not really, someone was setting off massive m80s around the neighborhood and Pickles fucking flipped out. He got scared and just wanted to get the fuck out of there, wanted to get back home, to safety.

He kept going inside the house and wanted to find a nice quiet place to hide when I didn’t want him to go upstairs, afraid that he might just relieve himself somewhere. That’s the last thing I want to happen at uncle’s place, Pickles peeing and shitting himself INSIDE THE FUCKING HOUSE.

Nope. Nope indeed.

With him outside with everyone, his tail tucked between his hind legs, I knew it was just time for him to go home.

So, we left and I came back, did my business, wind down for bed and fell asleep around 10: 30 and I feel good, but still tired.

I don’t want to do anything today, and I don’t plan on doing much. Just walking Pickles and relaxing in front of the tv. I’m not even going to do any photos, which I should.

I say fuck it.

Just chill, relax, watch movies, youtube, and shows, and maybe surf the web and just cook dinner. I’ll do laundry and call it a fucking day.

Simple.

I just want simple. I love simple.

Simple is great. No headaches. No drama.

Simplicity is key.

Simple.

* * *

Obsessive.

Obsessing.

I know I have some OCD tendencies, like the whole knocking at doors/cubes/workspaces before entry and sometimes like stepping on cracks. It’s like a game almost and then it just builds to a compulsion from there.

I always obsess and think about a particular person even I know I fucking shouldn’t. She’s always on my mind and I don’t fucking understand why.

Actually a lot of girls are on my mind.

Actually, relationships, or the idea or thought of being in a relationship is on my mind when I know it really shouldn’t.

Blah.

I’m so over it. I’m so tired of my brain wasting so much time on it.

Blah indeed.

Just blah.

* * *

I’m scaring a little kid.

Well, more actually, I’m just sitting here doing my thing while this little boy is just checking me out, curious and we locked eyes and I’m staring him down.

He goes hide behind his mom.

I’m great.

Hahahaha. He just putz around doing whatever he’s doing to busy himself while the boba girls make their order and he looks over at my direction again. Eye contact. He stops what he’s doing and hides behind his mom.

I’m fucking great.

* * *

Patience.

I know I know, it’s the one thing I know I definitely have to work on.

I wrote about this in an earlier entry about how I need to be more patient in life and with people and things and time and all that fucking jazz.

Shit, I even wrote about that Chinese scroll that I have in my apartment.

But here’s something that I tell most people about why I hate people.

Patience. They just try my patience.

Many people don’t understand why I want kids or have pets when I just want to be alone, not wanting to be in a relationship etc etc.

It’s just because I have a lot more patience with kids, pets and animals, than I do with adults.

Kids and pets can’t fucking help it. They aren’t testing my patience because they are trying to piss me off. They just do it because they don’t understand or can’t communicate what they want. It’s in their nature to be that way. It’s how they learn.;

Adults. C’mon man. Fucking people. I have no patience for adults because they are fucking adults and should just fucking know better.

That’s basically the gist of why I have no patience for adults and most people. When I say I hate people, I mean fucking adults. They lack basic fundamental common sense and that generally pisses me off.

I mean, c’mon asshole/bitch/cunt, YOU SHOULD FUCKING KNOW BETTER.

Rant over.

* * *

It seems I’m just doing whatever I can to get away from writing or my more important creative writing.

I’m horrible. I need a better schedule. I just need to fucking do it and not treat it like a chore.

Remember that you actually enjoy creative writing? Don’t you remember?

You grew to love it.

What happened?

* * *

Maybe this would be a totally different rant on a totally different day of procrastination, but I’m just going to drop it here.

The world is fucking shit.

Every fucking day, something horrible happened in the world.

Another mass shooting. Another suicide bombing. Another hate crime.

The world is fucked. Our future is fucked.

Religion is fucked.

People is fucked.