I know in the end, I really don’t care what most people think of me. They’ll come to whatever conclusion and judgement and perception on their own from hearsay or even firsthand experience and interaction. People are people and not everyone will like you. That’s life.

For the most part, it does seem that most everyone seems to like me or treat me friendly and what not. I never really gave any one reason hate me, for the most part. Sure there are quite a few out there I’m sure that actually does, but that’s how the dice roll.

One thing I am really really curious about is how to most people at work generally think of me? What is their perception of me? Besides those in my department, there aren’t many in the company that I talk and chat with on a regular basis. Thinking about it, besides Christa, Lisette, and CC, there really isn’t any.

I don’t make my usual stops and chat like I do when B5 or even when Ms. D was there. No more. No more little stops to re-up with chats. No…no more.

So, curious. What do they all think?

Many people at work are all smiles and hellos when they see me. I’m sure most of them are very nice and they kind of have to be nice because I have to help them. Many others I’ve helped before and we’ve chatted our little small talks to pass the time, so, there’s a report, but what about the others that I haven’t helped?

There are a few that I’ve never helped or I have never interacted with that would just see me and say hi. What is that about?

I guess what I’m trying to say is when did girls start noticing me? When? It seems that they’ve been blind to me for so long, that I’ve lost hope and got comfortable with being on my own, living my life in a trajectory that doesn’t allow for them. I think even before my last relationship, I felt the same way, that relationships and me just don’t mix.

I’m not a relationship guy. I don’t function that way. I’m an independent, be on my own guy. That’s me. That’s what I’ve finally become because after so long with trying to find someone, dating people, and dating in general and having it all suck, I’ve moved past it. But now, it just seems girls are just noticing me.

But then, I’m stupid with girls. I never know what they are thinking and I always mistaken friendliness with attention and that’s always bad. In a way, it is a double-edge sword for me. Sure they are nice and since I’ve made so many mistakes in confusing the two, believing that they were attention when in fact that they were just nice, I now on auto put all girl’s attention to the friendly category and not the attention category.

It’s unfair, but I’m just playing shit safe. really safe.

But again, most of these girls don’t know me. Our interactions are very limited, whether it is me just saying hi and then proceeding to help them with their problem or some get a little chit-chat here and there, but that is it. Nothing more.

I’m trying to imagine what they see, get into their POV and their perspective. What do they really know or can tell about me?

Not much.

* * *

Here’s what I imagine their perception of me is.

They will automatically think I’m kind of smart since I work in IT and I’m able to fix and figure out to fix their computer. So, with that, comes a little nerdiness.

Next, I’m just the guy who walks around the office always humming a song. I’m always humming something that they can’t make out. They wonder if it is a song that I made up or of it is something else, and they don’t know why. They just know that I always do.

For the most part, they think I’m nice and friendly whenever I work with them or try to fix their issue.

I’m the guy that carries a camera with him at all times and they don’t know why.

Some may see me just skipping around the office.

Others will see me with my resting asshole face. I wonder how many people think I’m highly unapproachable?

Many will think I’m a total hipster because of my man bun and many will probably think I don’t give a fuck what other people think of who I am or how I dress because of what I do with my long hair, putting it in a man bun or even double buns or just doing fuck crazy shit with my hair.

Many might find me awkward at happy hours or generally just wandering alone.

Some might think I’m loud.

I’m sure many think I’m weird or creepy. I’m not sure why, but I think a handful might. Just putting that out there.

I’m sure there are a few other superficial things or just external behavioral things that I’m missing.

* * *

Sure, a lot of it is spot on. I’m sure a I am close to what they see me, but that’s it. How can one come to a conclusion as to what type of person one can be if it is only presented like that with minimal interaction and no talking?

I wonder what they think?

Again, not many in the office know how I am like or know me really that well, besides what I present or what they see.

Like, I’m sure with everyone I interacted with, there’s a whole other side of them that I know absolutely nothing about. Absolutely nothing.

All in all, what I’ve been noticing is very interesting.

They are all smiles and wandering eyes. They are all friendly with their hi’s and their heys.

When did it all start to happen?

Traveling for work.

I honestly do enjoy it. I love it because I am so focused on the work. There’s a direction and in a way, a checklist of what i have to do.

I go in and just go through the checklist and don’t quit until everything is done.

That’s how it was while I was on the latest trip to Dallas and Moorestown. They were getting a new server set up. Went in, racked that beast, get it setup on the network and it was all easy peasy from there.

The server bit isn’t the big issues. It’s the little things that you don’t think of, the troubleshooting that has to happen after each setup and such.

But it was tiring. The long listless flights with no exercise. The lack of sleep in hotel rooms and the long long days. I got sick and fatigued during the trip. Most nights I didn’t want to go out and do anything, but just go back to the hotel, get some food and pass out and that’s what happened.

I didn’t explore Dallas on my last night there. Not that I was too tired, but there’s a traffic nightmare situation that didn’t sound too appealing for me. They were shooting Hulu’s adaptation of Stephen King’s 11/22/63. Yeah, not going to downtown to explore that.

* * *

It’s been a week and it was another long and busy one, but let’s continue.

So, Dallas was easy. Whatever small mistakes I made there, I corrected in Moorestown. That one was easy also, with a few small other things I had to take care of in the office.

Overall, the upgrades were a success. It was tiring, sure, but a success and fun none-the-less. It was actually good to be able to focus and know what I need to do and have a checklist of things I need to accomplish. I miss that. I need a little more direction and I guess these short pressured trips are good for me.

I’m sure Chicago will be the same. I already have a game plan that I hope to stick to.

After finishing up Moorestown, it left a few hours early to visit 5th Uncle/Auntie and then stay at 1st Auntie/Uncle’s.

This was the first time I saw 5th uncle since Linda’s wedding and during that time he got really sick and was in hospice care for a while. He looks really weak and really skinny. He lost a lot of wait, old and gray. Sad.

5th Auntie looks good though. Healthy and energetic for a woman of her age.

Of course my time with 5th uncle isn’t’ complete without a lecture and not so gentle prodding of my love life and when I’m going to have children. Not a fan of that talk, but I humor him. I have to. He’s an elder, and he’s family. I just let it be and I tell him I’m still young. Lots of time.

I left about an hour or so, seeing that he was so tired. I didn’t want to interrupt his rest and then I headed over to 1st Aunties. I sat and chatted with her and uncle for a bit and then Yen came over and then we chatted. We had dinner with Linda and Sung and Liam and then we just chilled and chatted.

It was a nice little thing to be hanging with family, especially family I haven’t seen in such a long time to complete that very long and tiring week.

* * *

Back to work. Back to the grind.

The first few days wasn’t that bad at all. It was a typical work day, but of course there are the remodeling moves that were going to happen mid-week. I didn’t stay to help the bagging and tagging on Wednesday night, but I did come in a little early on Thursday to help with the setups and to troubleshoot if anything went wrong.

Thursday was fucking long as day. I believe I hit 10K steps well before 10AM and the steps just kept growing. By the time I left the office at my usual time, I was already at 30K. I decided to come back to help with the bagging and tagging of the 2nd floor and that was long and kind of frustrating. I didn’t even see the movers at all, plus the whole setting up other people who could have waited until the morning.

All of the users’ stuff were on the carts and I’m just running around from cart to cart trying to find their stuff and it was just long, tiring, and frustrating way to do things. I decided to just pull things that needed to be pulled off per cart and then drop them off in the cubes and then do it that way. So much easier and efficient.

By 8:30, I was heading home. It was a long ass day. I ended it with over 42K steps. 20 miles. 20 fucking miles in a day, and it was mostly work. Sure, I had my typical walking around campus mixed in, but fucking 20 miles. Long and tiring.

Friday morning was no different. I went in a little early to help the 2nd floor and again, it was pretty much done by the time I got there. Again, there were the typical issues of bad ports and poor setups, which I helped fixed along with the big rush of getting the Yamada meeting ready. I did my small part and that was that.

30K steps before leaving the office. Long long long past couple of days. I could barely walk by the end of it. Horrible.

Now, I rest. I chill and rest, lounging in this not so comfortable chair, doing my weekly writing session to clear my mind and to relax. I’m patiently waiting for my therapy later this afternoon, cooking a very meaty and hearty bolognese.

I’m looking forward to it.

I have Chicago next week. It’ll be a long week where I anticipate that it’ll be a very busy day from Wednesday morning to Friday night or even a little Saturday morning.

My bro will be out Saturday night and we have half the weekend to chill then I’ll head back to work on Monday whilst he explores alone and then flying home on Tuesday.

It’ll be fun. I’m looking forward to it.

Not because it is Chicago, but going back to the whole being focus and knowing what I need to do and just doing it. Knocking out my tasks and just getting things done.

There will be a few unexpected things I’m sure, and hopefully I’ll be able to fix them on the fly. For the most part, a huge chunk of my job relies on other people, Dan getting the network up, Nick prepping the mac mini, the movers moving everything in.

Checklist and checklists.

Which reminds me, I need to make a checklist of things I need to do in Chicago.

* * *

Checklist done. It’s a long one, for there’s quite a bit that needs to be done. I have more than enough time to finish everything by myself.

Excited to go and get things done and then I can go explore and relax and enjoy my beloved Chicago.

Another thing I’m excited about, which may or may not happen, is to hang out with my bro and to show him around Chicago and hope that he understands why I love Chicago as much as I do, and maybe fall in love with it himself.

Chicago is a very very special city and I want everyone to experience it and love it too.

* * *

Traveling.

My traveling for this year seems to be winding down. After Chicago this coming week, I’ll just have South Carolina left and then I have nothing else planned.

The main reason is that I feel that I have traveled so much this year, that it was unfair to Pickles that he didn’t get to come and that I had to board him so much. It’s good that I stay with him or that if I plan my next trip, that I’ll see if I can bring him with me.

I’ll be here over the next two big holidays. I’m tired. This year started out to be a non-family year. It was a year of solo independence and it was.

Sure there was definitely a lot of family time mixed in with the wedding and the memorial, but all in all, it was a time of just me and so far I am loving it.

I’m sure I’ll reiterate the same sentiments come time for my yearly Bah Humbug entry this year, but this year is definitely one of my favorite ones.

Why are these people just standing here, in the middle of the shop taking it over like it is a place to just congregate? That’s just fucking rude. Sit the fuck down or something. Just sit the fuck down or fucking leave.

I’m annoyed and fuck damn man. Just fuck damn.

Definitely annoyed today. Definitely tired today. Definitely still sick today.

Fuck.

* * *

Back to it. Back to writing. The horde left, not taking up space and being rude and inconsiderate.

Just angry and annoyed. Very easily annoyed when I’m sick. No patience. Man, how I have changed with this. I use to be very civil and polite when I’m sick, not so much anymore. No so much anymore.

I’m getting ready for my week long business trip to Dallas and Moorestown. Everything is there for me to just go and take care of. Hopefully things go smoothly and I get everything under control and taken care of. I have a few days at each location, working late nights getting everything ready.

I’m sure everything will be fine. I got a checklist of all the things that I have to do and I think I’ll be able to manage it.

It should be an interesting trip. I haven’t been out to these offices in a while. No one’s been out to these offices in a while. The last trip was by Steve and Dan. Something wasn’t done right with the Moorestown server, hence they aren’t able to install printers without issues. Hopefully I can fix.

I just want things to run smoothly.

* * *

I got sick the other day. Caught some kind of bug that was going around. Fever and just fatigued. The similar cold that I get at my old age. It wasn’t fun and it seems to be spreading. I’m still recovering and still feeling a little bit of it. Hopefully one more day of just rest will take care of it. Hopefully.

I took Thursday off. For the most part, all I did was eat, sleep, sweated, and theraflued that bitch up. Felt better on Friday. Went to work and took care of business. Got all the Chicago out and shipped off. Took care of some finance stuff and the little things here and there. I was a beast.

Surprisingly it was a 20,000 step day in the office. Haven’t had one of those in a while, but I welcome it after a disappointed step day while I was sick. Today will be a disappointing step day also.

* * *

Looking back at the sickness, I’m sure it was a result of me going out a little more these pass couple of weeks. Nights out drinking and socializing and being around people and germs. Nights out with Dan and days out with Ana, just chilling. Germs. My body isn’t ready for them. So not ready for them.

* * *

Chicago.

My beloved.

I’ll be reunited with it in a few short weeks. I’ll be out, setting up the new office, taking care of business with Dan. So looking forward to just being in that city again.

I’m trying to get my bro out, but he’s not sure if he can get the time off. He should try. Definitely should try.

It’ll be a busy busy few days in Chicago. Definitely a lot of work that I’ll have to do, but manageable.

I’ll be a solo trip in a sense. I’ll overlap Dan for like two days and then it is all on me. No Carel. He doesn’t need to be there because there really isn’t much that he needs to do.

Not much at all.

* * *

Just trying to focus on my trips and not much else.

Girls come and go in my head, latching onto my thoughts and my heart, but I can’t focus on it. I can’t, because it just isn’t feasible for some reason.

New crush.

I know nothing about it. Really, nothing about her.

But she’s been really friendly the couple of times that I’ve seen her. Still haven’t talked to her, besides Hi.

Yeah, I got game.

Loser.

* * *