’cause you are the piece of me/i wish i didn’t need

You are. You are constantly in my mind. It fantasizes, wondering what happened. Where is he? What is going on in your life? It wonders and wonders all about you when it should have forgotten you years ago. But you are still there, like a virus of the mind, eating away in my thoughts.

All that I can hope for is that one day, you will not be in my thoughts anymore. Your likes would mean nothing to me instead of me falling for it all the time, validating my existence.

I don’t need you. I don’t need this.

Leave me be.

Free my thoughts.

Shake them out.

Go.

* * *

Let’s start again. Let’s start anew.

My wandering mind can’t focus on anything as of late. It had become another weekend where my story goes unfinished. All that I have to show for were two sentences and a little diatribe for today.

Maybe it is the heat that is getting to me or maybe I just feel really tired on the weekend. I’m not sure, but it definitely is something.

It’s been unusually hot here this past summer. I don’t remember the last time that I had to use the ceiling fan so much. My electric bill will be astronomical. It’s crazy. Damn global warming. Damn it all.

* * *

Creep.

Stop it. Just stop it. Go about your day as you normally would. Just stop it.

Get your steps in. Don’t go out of your way. Don’t make excuses.

Just don’t.

Stop it.

Stop.

* * *

Tired. Yawny yawn.

So much yawning today. So tired today and I don’t understand it.

I slept at a reasonable time last night and woke up possibly no more than 30 minutes after I normally do. So, I don’t understand why I am so tired this morning.

It’s the heat. Maybe it is the heat. I have no idea, but it definitely is something.

It’s the weekend. I’m usually tired on the weekends for some reason.

I have become more active; taking the longer walks in the morning. It also has to do with the low/no carb diet that I am currently on. It could be, but I have cheated this weekend, so I still don’t understand why I am so tired.

Maybe it is mental.

I’m mental.

Procrastination.

I don’t know where it is coming from but I definitely do put stuff off, not wanting to take care of it or do it. These aren’t big rush rush projects, but things that can be taken care of at my own pace and I think that’s where the danger is, my own pace.

I need deadlines. I need to be proactive and make deadlines. I’m horrible at it.

Soon, I’ll get back to it. Soon, I’ll get back to the SharePoint project and move things over.

No more excuses.

Just do it.

* * *

It’s already mid-September.

Zoom zoom, this year had gone by so fast.

Sure I had many trips and vacations and little travels throughout the year and it helped in speeding up the year, but man, it’s crazy that it is already mid-September.

Soon, it’ll be December and we’ll be on break.

After October, our fiscal year, things will start to get slower for us and with the losses that we suffered recently, things will definitely be very slow.

It’s another uncertain time for us. It’s another one of times for us again. We thought things were looking up, but it seems status quo for us is two steps forward, one step back.

Welcome to our new agency life.

* * *

Travel.

I have a few business trips coming up in the next month or two and then my last vacation of the year is to South Carolina to visit the Carters and then I’ll be done.

Around this time last year, I had already bought my tickets home for the holiday break, but not this year. Also, I had been thinking of going to Iceland and finally finalized it in November when I bought my ticket.

What will happen this year? I am not sure yet. I am not sure what I’m going to do or where to go for Christmas break or even for any trips in the coming year. It’s wide open.

I want to go to Myanmar/Burma. It’s not a trip that my brother want to do, so that’ll be a solo trip. I need more solo trips. Maybe it’ll be that. I’m not sure yet.

Haven’t decided yet, but I really do want to do Europe or somewhere non-Asian. Who know what is for me next year. It’s so far away, but it really isn’t.

Everything is up in the air and I probably won’t act until I need to or when I have fully committed to it. Whenever that is.

* * *

He walked swift through the halls of the office, always accompanied by a self-made melody. No one could make out what exactly he was humming, but it was always something. Was that a hint of Britney or even Foster the People or maybe some old school Beatles? No one really knew. Some would ask him about it and he’d always answer that it is the last thing that he listened to, whatever that was. Iggy or maybe Beyoncé?

Today was no different than any other day. The Hummer ambled along by me with the slight out of tune hum of a familiar melody. “Hey,” I said. “Hey” was all he managed and then he’s gone. The faint hum quieted and soon it was replaced by another familiar hum, that of the air conditioning system. Such a mystery and no one really knew much about him. Someone needed to figure him out and let the world know the mystery that was the hummer. Someone needed to do it and I had decided that it might as well be me.

* * *

Started on a new short story today. I thought I would just come in and just start writing, but then I stopped. My mind started to wander and I lost my train of thought as I started to surf the internet and did other things. I get so easily distracted now or maybe things are just so random in my head that I can’t focus on anything or maybe today isn’t one of my normal days because I plan on leaving a little early to get to a short film festival in Hollywood later.

There are just so many reasons as to why I can’t write. I still haven’t finished my other short story yet and here I am starting another one. One thing at a time man, one thing at a time.

I still need to refocus back on my scripts too. I’m so lazy that all I want to do is just sit home and watch tv. Maybe I just need to come up with a schedule like how Scott writes 20 minutes or so a day after work in the library. That’s maybe one thing that I have to do, since I’m waking up earlier and earlier now. Who knows what will happen.

* * *

It’s a new day and all I did for the first half of this writing session was read over my last section for The Gentle Listener, catching myself up, getting back into the flow of the story and then just stared at the last paragraph over and over again.

Then, my mind wandered to Spotify, me finding some new c-pop playlists and then hearing some Jacky Cheung and then me finding some Jacky Cheung playlists.

This is where I am now, listening to some Jacky Cheung and fucking around, so I decided why not just blog instead. Just why not.

* * *

There was a little surprised today when I walked into Volcano and saw that Iris was working. Plus in my book and then another plus was the finding of some Jacky Cheung on Spotify. There’s one album that is available for streaming, so I’ll have to check it out. It’s a live album, and most likely it’ll be all new music that I never heard before.

I love love his old stuff. They are classic and I just love them.

* * *

Today just isn’t a good day on the writing front. This whole weekend just isn’t a good day. I don’t understand it. Maybe the weird schedule from yesterday threw me off

Just maybe.

My mind just wants to wander today. It seems to just want to wander all the time and put aside the work that I have to do and not finish anything. So weird. I don’t know what it is, but I just can’t focus on anything.

It’s not as bad as before therapy, but it’s there.

Maybe I’m just wanting to sit back and listen to the nostalgia that is blasting through my ears, letting my mind wander, tripping back to better times, different times, and other times.

Man, these songs just flood me with warmth and happiness from a different time, which is a little weird since they were such an angsty time for me. High school. College. They weren’t the happiest of times for me, but this music just gives me the hearty feels.

Maybe it was just that it was a time when we were all together. My family was together. There hadn’t been any big deaths in the family. Grandparents were still alive, my dad was still here, uncles and aunt.

It was a different time back then.

Songs. Nostalgia. How we these soft melodies get attached to random memories and feelings.

I’m laying on that burgundy maroon purple couch in the living room, plugged into my little Sanyo cd player and just listening to the music. Not watching tv. Not even reading. Just listening to the music.

And now, I get the angst of that time. The isolation and alienation I felt at school. I was so lonely and it comes through to the music.

Music attached itself to a different time, to a different me.

Man, how have I changed? I’m a different man. I’m a different person.

Growth.

Maybe that’s the thing about nostalgia. It doesn’t become nostalgia until you have become something else from the time of these memories. Maybe.

I wonder how I’ll react to the music I listen now in the future? What kind of nostalgic memories would they bring to mind? What kind of feelings?

* * *

Today just isn’t one of those good writing days.

Nothing more than empty sheets between our love.

I got nothing. I have nothing to say, but I’m just going to finger tap anyway. I need to put my fingers through drills and exercises to loosen it up, so I won’t cramp up during my marathon sessions of writing.

That’s not going to happen. There aren’t going to be any marathon sessions. I’m in a serious mental drought of trying to brainstorm and figure out the ending of my story. In a way, it feels that I should be done. I had originally planned it that way, but it seemed that the story took on a new ending or expanded into something a little more.

I’m just torn in a way on trying to figure out what to write, how to write, where to write, when to write.

I’m on a total writing cluster fuck.

* * *

Another one bites the dust as he packed up this morning and went on his merry way to the valley of Yosemite.

That lucky bastard. Wish him the best of luck in pursuing his dream of becoming a Ranger.

* * *

Let’s start over, let’s start again.

For the longest time, I haven’t seen one of the usual boba girls working here. She changed to a different schedule. It’s her 9-5 while she goes to school. Her schedule conflicts with my 9-5. I’m here on the weekend mornings and she’s, I’m assuming weekdays or in the afternoon or evening shifts, if she works on the weekends.

It wasn’t until a few Tuesdays ago that I saw her again. I stayed home sick from just fatigue. Maybe it was the heat, maybe it was the new diet I started and I had zero energy to go to work.

I went to Volcano on my usual time, not expecting much of anything. She wasn’t there to open, so I thought of nothing else but doing my writing. I don’t even remember what I wrote about that day. Did I work on my short prose or did I write a little entry? I don’t remember.

Halfway through my session, to my surprise she came bursting in the door. She scanned the shop and spotted me and stopped in surprise. Her face lit up, happy to see me as my face lit up, happy to see her.

She’s cute.

We exchanged our pleasantries and how we haven’t seen each other in a long time.

Then instead of going to the back and getting ready for work, she stopped for a minute and told me how she and her mom went on a road trip like I have asked her what she was doing and why she was gone. She drove her mom to the Grand Canyon and through Arizona. She also told me how her mom just left a few days before.

I thought it was just so random and strange, but a little cute.

Then she went to work and I thought it’ll be another few months before I see her again, but for some reason she came in on a late morning shift on either Saturday or Sunday of last week. Random.

Life is so random.

* * *

This Girl is on Fireeeee

I’ve been off of my no/low carb diet for about a week. I’ve already gained back five out of the 15 pounds that I lost. It was tough to give up the carbs, but now I have to get back on it. It’ll be tough, but it’ll be good.

I do miss carbs. I do miss bread. Rice. Pasta. Beer.

But I have to be good. I don’t see any new social engagements in the near future that I will participate in. It’ll be a good time to get back on my diet again.

Eventually, it’ll just be a part of my life, a new way of life, a different way of eating. Eventually it’ll just be low carbs.

Hungry.

Right now, I’m actually not. Had a huge dinner last night. Way too many calories. I was way over budget, but in the end, everything will even out and it’ll be fine.

* * *

I have decided not to fly home this Christmas break. I’m sure I wrote about this, but after flying to the Carter’s for Veteran’s day, I should be done with traveling. It’s just unfair for Pickles. I’d boarded him so many times this year because of my travels. It’s done. No more.

Also, it just fits the theme for me this year, being on my own and doing my own thing. Sure there were a few family moments with Dat’s wedding and then uncle’s memorial. Those fit the family quota. No more.

It’ll just be me finding time to do things later in the year. I get a one week staycation of doing nothing. I’m so looking forward to it.

* * *

We lost the digital business. I have no idea what is going to happen. No idea and it’s a little worrisome for many, but it’s out of my hands.

Whatever happens, happens.

* * *

I’m running out of things to say. I’m running out of things to write about.

This is what happens when nothing is going on in your life, when you are angst free and pretty much drama free.

Quiet life. Zen life.

Serenity now.