Here again.

Another revolution around the sun since the last time I wrote one of these another year older, another year wiser entries.

It has been another year and I am a new number.

36. 36. 36.

The fortunate thing is that I’m still considered in my mid-thirties.

The not so fortunate thing, I’m getting older. Older and older.

Looking back it seemed that 35 was a great number. It was a great year of doing a lot more things on my own and a definite growing year, understanding myself and my motives a lot better.

It helped that I had professional help to guide me and help me talk through the issues that I was having.

I just hope that 36 would be no different in terms of another growing year and another year of gaining understanding as to who I am and what I’m doing.

For the most part it seems 36 is shaping up to be a very good independent year. It’s a continuation to the last few trips that I made, solo trips to Chicago over New Year’s and to Iceland just a few months ago.

It’s going to be a year of living up to my motivation, just wanting to be alone and enjoying my freedom.

I don’t want to think of or even look for a relationship, because in the end, how I see it, I just don’t work in them. They just don’t work and that is something that I came to realize. It was partly due to my last relationship and how stubborn I am in my therapy sessions that I don’t like dating.

I’ll just live my life like I have been doing and not put it on hold because I am too afraid that I’ll grow old without my one true love and children.

It is something that I have to live with, because ultimately it is my decision in the end to live this life.

35.

It was an emotional year. It was a year of emotional growth, throwing off the heavy boulder that was resting on my chest.

I came to terms with my father’s passing. I came to believe the simple truth as to what happened.

Shit happened. My father passed away from a heart attack. I had no control over it. I didn’t not kill him.

I was carrying around that guilt for years and years and I knew that it was holding me back from so many things. I had to get better in part of my life, that part of my heart before I can even fathom allowing someone else to be in it.

Now, instead of guilt whenever I think about my father, all I really feel is the pain of missing him.

I miss you dad.

35.

I live a quiet life. I live a life dictated by my choices and my psychosis.

I live the life I live now, because I chose too.

I can have so many things and I’m aware of so many things, but for some reasons, I chose not to pursue or act.

It’s not that I resigned myself to not acting, but it is more that I am apathetic to it.

That’s the sick thing. I know in the end, it’s not a big catastrophe if things don’t go my way, but I guess the control freak that I am can’t handle it.

I’m sure a little fear plays a part in it, but eventually I’ll have to get over it.

Eventually.

I am a stubborn man that is a slave to his convictions and his warped sense of what is right and wrong.

* * *

35.

For the most part it feels a lot like it was a year of finding myself again.

It definitely felt like the first couple of years that I moved down to Los Angeles. I’ll just go on, living my life alone, going to work, watching movies by myself. It feels exactly like that.

* * *

Starting again, while continuing what I have written above. I have lost my train of thought, or actually I never really had one.

I just know that this past year just gave me the freedom to go and just do things by myself again. For some reason, that felt lacking the last couple of years and it just miraculously came back to me.

I don’t know what it is, but it is definitely back.

Maybe it is this renewed sense of knowing that I don’t need to be with anyone to live a happy life, or that I really feel that I am truly happy with being single and just being me, right now.

I don’t know, it is just different, but not. It’s a very strange sense of familiar, but unfamiliar at the same time.

* * *

This yearly diatribe isn’t going well. Not well at all.

Maybe I’m just hungry, or I feel that I have to do something else.

* * *

Change.

Growth.

Any year without that, is not a good year.

Let’s hope that this new number will bring forth a year of constant growth and steady change for the better.

I want to be a better person. I want to be an even better man.

Being alive gives me that chance.

* * *

It’s getting hard to write. It’s getting difficult to put my thoughts into cohesive sentences and I don’t know why.

* * *

The last couple of months or even the last year have been a year of putting thoughts into action. I know that I have always been that way, that if I want to do something, then I’ll do it.

But for some reason, it had been a good year for it. No dream is too small or even too big to fulfill.

Thought into action.

It is definitely time to not put my life on hold and to not go somewhere or not do something because I am alone.

Not having someone to go with or do together should never and was never ever a reason to not go or do it. Never

Never.

35 has been a big year for that and I hope that it doesn’t stop.

* * *

Another day, another attempt at this little post that has ran away from me.

Another year older, another year wiser.

My mantra, my words, my reflections.

35 has treated me really well. It was a growing year, a learning year, an understanding year.

I am a better person at the end of this number.

My woes and my angst dim just a little bit more. I’m slowly getting fixed from whatever issues that have troubled me.

It was a year of rebuilding and a year of getting back to what I was after going through a rut in my life.

I am back to where I am supposed to be. Back to living my life and not questioning my life choices and not caring about certain things that I have or don’t have in my life.

Come what may. Come what may indeed.

I live my life. I chose what I want to do. I do. If plans change, then I adapt.

There is no other excuse in it. There is nothing else about it.

I have gotten back on that track.

35.

I go. I do.

I take it a day at a time.

Come what may.

I don’t care what other people say. I don’t wonder what people say.

I just live life according to my rules and my decisions.

That is what 35 brought me. It brought me back to where I was supposed to be before this rut.

35.

The year of finding myself again. The year of getting back on track. The year of being me.

35.

It was a good number. It was a happy number. It was a cathartic

I can only hope that 36 will bring me something similar if not more.

* * *

It’s cold in here today.

The AC is throwing me off. Taking my mind on the words that I’m trying to come up with.

I struggle to put thoughts into words. I struggle to get into the groove.

Writing has been a problem with me as of late. I’ve been having serious problems just writing.

There was a time when I hated writing. It was a chore, but then as I started to write recreationally, writing in this blog of mine, I developed my love for it. Then I started to love my writing on the scripts that I wrote.

Now, I find it a struggle and it is disheartening.

Hopefully that will change.

I think I’m just tired these past couple of days, staying up later than I normally would and that is affecting my thoughts. Let’s just go with that for now.

* * *

My mind wanders. My thoughts lost somewhere in the ether.

This entry cannot go on.

So, here I welcome this new number, this new year of me, 36.

I welcome you and bid a fair goodbye to what have been a great number, 35.

Thank you for getting me back on track. Thank you for everything.

Let’s hope 36 will only be better.

36.

Bring it on.