Tired.

Tired from the bad night’s sleep that I had and not because of my usual fatigue. I blame the Pepsi. Damn caffeine.

But here I am again, my home away from home, my home in the Pacific Northwest, my #homehome as I thought of this morning.

I’m sitting in my new usual place, the place I usually write but under new management, doing what I do best, and that is to write about myself.

Thinking back, it seems that this is the first time that I have been back this year. I can’t believe it has been a year that I have set foot back here. I guess this year being such a family oriented year that I didn’t need to come back. But here I am and it is that time of year for me to babble on with my mumbling of another bah humbug to everyone.

So here it goes, 2014.

* * *

What can I say about this year? So much happened this year and maybe that is why it has gone by so fast. A blink and it was gone. A blink and it’s been almost a year since I’ve gotten my new kid, Relish.

Blink and my yearlong therapy sessions is over.

Blink, another relationship over.

Blink, I survived another year at work.

Blink, I grew.

2014.

It definitely has been a year of ups and definite down.

If I have to define this past year, I would say that this year has been a year of growth and understanding. Thinking about it, growth not only in myself, but I see the growth that my brother has gone through, the changes that I have noticed for the better. Growth.

It was definitely a year of growth for me, and definitely a year of understanding.

I have written about it in more detail in the last few entries about what I have gotten out of therapy.

I can truly say that I am no longer in that rut anymore. I am no longer in my self-proclaimed mid-life-crisis. I’ve moved on, having a better understanding of myself and how I am and how I became to be the way that I am.

I have a more solid grasp of what I want in life and ultimately what I want right now. I am open to the idea of changing and growing as years and years go by, but definitely I should be focused on what I want right now, because that’s where we spend all of our time, in the now. So, I shouldn’t worry about the future, since literally it can change by what I choose to do right now, in this moment, in the now.

Be here. Be now.

I would love to have someone special in my life and a family in the future, but right now, I’m not ready. I don’t want to be in a relationship. I love my freedom and my independence and my solitude. It relaxes me. It zens me out. That’s what I want now. So, let’s just be happy and be that now.

As noted before, this urge of independence has been shaped and molded through the years of upbringing and forged at the time of my father’s passing. Now, with an understanding of it, maybe I can slowly chip away at it and mold it into something else. Slow and steady, I’ll beat it away until I am ready for the next now in my life.

Guilt. That heaviness weighing down on my heart, my body, my soul needed to go. It is time for me to move on and to finally see that I didn’t kill my father. It is time. It is right. He wouldn’t want that on me. He wouldn’t want me to be crippled by his death. He would want me to be happy and what’s best for me.

It is time. Slow and steady like the urge to be pro-solitude and independent, it’ll go away. After a few weeks of believing, I already feel lighter.

I have my shrink to thank for that. Again, thank you for helping me. It means a lot to me.

Now there are still other things that I still need to work on. It’s a part of the growth of this past year and the understanding of who I am. I’m a control freak, wanting things to go my way. Also, it just seems I’m becoming more and more judgmental. I need to reel that in.

No more. Grow. Change. Be the better man. Slow and steady.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt this inner peace inside. Calm and tranquil for the most part, until I’m around a lot of stupid people, or if I become impatient, then my blood boils. Things to work on.

I hope 2015 will be another year of steady growth and understanding. It’s a part of life. Everyone should grow a little every year, be a little bit better. Just a little bit better and that’ll be progress.

2015, bring it on.

* * *

What next, what else?

Traveling.

Like any other year, I strive to travel as much as I can and this year was no different.

Another reason why I haven’t been back home this year was because I traveled so much, and most of it was with family, so I really didn’t need to go home to spend time with them.

It started early this year, with that whirlwind road trip in February I took with my mom and aunt’s up and down California. It was the worst road trip of my life, me just slaving away driving and driving and driving and not being able to sleep, ’cause I just don’t sleep well on other people’s beds.

Even though it was a great bonding experience, especially with my mom braiding my hair, but with my aunts, especially the one from Vietnam, I was just tired. I was spent. I wanted the week to end so I can just rest. I don’t think I have ever been so tired in my life. But, I would totally do it again. For family.

Now, usually, I try to do a little trip for myself around my birthday, but this year, it was another family trip that I planned to South East Asia. Overall, it was just an amazing trip to Singapore, Vietnam, and Hong Kong.

It was definitely an eye opening trip, seeing the different countries and experiencing all that we had. I still remember the craziness of Vietnam and how sick I got.

Of course not everything was perfect on the trip. Family did get on my nerves from time to time, but then again, it happens. I shouldn’t let it ruin the trip. But overall, great trip and I’m looking forward to our next one.

I know for sure, I am done with Asia for the time being. Maybe Europe next? Who knows?

Every year, it seems I try to include a little outdoorsy wilderness trip. I think it seems that way because of all the times I have driven home with Pickles and I would go hiking with him or our trips to Arizona and the Grand Canyon.

This year was no different with my Utah trip with my brother. Utah.

The Utah 5.

It was spectacular. It was beautiful. It was a dream.

Maybe an outdoorsy trip with my brother would be a new tradition. I guess it started last year with our trip to Glacier National Park and he was interested in going when I asked him if he wanted to join when I was planning the trip.

Unlike last year’s trip, my brother was in fine form with no injuries, so I didn’t get annoyed. There were little things that annoyed me, but that was on the tail end.

But the trip. Amazing. I want to do it again. I want to be on the open road, driving across the vast state and seeing the changing landscapes passing me by. I want to step through the beauty, following the paths that many have traversed and maybe even paving my own path.

Angel’s Landing was a rush of success. It was a peaceful Zen up at the top as the sun rises, bathing the valley floor in warmth and light.

Bryce Canyon and the alien Hoodoo’s towering over us as we hike between them.

Just marvelous. Just beautiful.

I want to go back.

Let’s go back.

It was also a trip of great bonding with my brother, the little that we did. But it was also a revelation for me to see how much my brother changed since the last time we really hung out, our SE Asia trip.

He looked good. He looked like he was enjoying himself, hiking through the wilderness. He was in his element, and he was savoring each minute and second, taking pictures.

I love the growth that he’s going through. I love that he’s changing for the better. I love the progress and hope it continues.

Traveling. I love it and this year surely didn’t disappoint.

Those are just trips I did for vacation and not counting the small trips I did for work.

I went to Portland and Chicago to help them move offices this past. The situation sucks, but it is what it is.

But Chicago. I was there twice this year and in the next few days, it’ll be my third time. I fall in love with the city every time I go there.

I remember the last time I was there, walking to work in the morning, I can imagine myself doing that. I can totally see myself there.

That’s why I’m going to Chicago in the next few days, to see how cold it is. Maybe, just maybe. I don’t know. We shall see.

Travel.

Use your vacation days.

Spend without care on those vacations. It’s why you have time off from work, to reconnect and zen out.

From how things are looking now, next year seems like another travel year. With already three trips in the works/planned, I can’t wait.

I have the Iceland trip in February booked and planned. Besides some work trips, I didn’t get a trip on my own this year like I usually do. This Iceland trip would be it. I’m there to explore the wonders of Iceland and to chase the lights. Hopefully I’m fortunate enough to get a glimmer. It’ll definitely be a few things off of my bucket list if I do. The Northern Lights and my first solo international trip. Hopefully.

Then I’ll be doing my yearly Boy and his dog on the road adventure in the summer. I think I might do Banff National Park while I’m up there and maybe my brother will join me.

I’m looking forward to hiking in Banff, seeing the majestic wonders in person that I’ve only seen in pictures.

Then maybe later in the summer or earlier, depending on when it’ll be a good time, I’m planning on doing Crater Lake in Oregon. It’ll be about an 11 hour drive, like the one to Banff from Seattle. It’s doable in a day.

That maybe a trip by myself, depend if my brother can get the time off. I’m cool either way. I just want to go and explore and see. I want to be out in the Wild.

With those three trips being planned, it already seems that 2015 is shaping up to be an awesome year.

I’m living my life. I’m loving my life.

2015, bring it on.

* * *

Onto day two of this little yearly diatribe and it seems that this is the second entry to my knowledge that I referenced Sia’s Chandelier and I’m okay with that.

Where to continue, where to go now?

Going back to my future travels in 2015, instead of driving back home and doing Banff, I might be doing Route 66 with my brother instead. We’ve discussed this trip earlier this year while we were going to Utah and I was very surprised that he is interested in going and doing it.

Again, this is Hien 2.0 and I love it. He’s read and game for an adventure.

* * *

Back at it, continuing on. Where to go next?

Work.

Work is work. There’s not much to say about it. It is what it is. There were some learning moments and moments to shine and to learn and to problem solve like any other year that I have been there.

It seems like I’ve been doing good things there and is still being valued and I’m okay with that. I’m glad that they think I’m a good worker.

It had offered me many opportunities throughout the years to travel and to explore and this year was no different. It catalyst for me finding Chicago and falling in love with it.

Sure it could be busier and it just might be with us growing, so let’s see what happens in 2015.

We seem to be back on track to what we need to do and where we need to go.

2015, bring it on.

* * *

Kids, or should I say my furkids that always keep me wondering what do they do all day while I’m away.

At the end of last year, I added another member to my little small tight knit family. I got a little kitten which I named Relish.

I never had a cat before and I don’t mind cats. I’m good with cats as I am with all animals. I only got her because I feel bad for Pickles and his continuing behavior problems and seeing how he treats Bea’s cats, I was sure that he would prefer having a cat as a sibling then another dog, seeing how he is when I dog sat.

I got her at the end of last year and she’s been a surprise and a handful and a joy and a pest and many other things all at the same time.

Like Pickles when I first got him and even today at times, it’s a brand new learning curve, trying to figure out how to act with it and why she does the thing that she does.

At first I was worried that Pickles would be rough and attack it, and he did, but I knew that it was all in play. As they bonded together, I think they tolerate each other and Relish has gotten use to Pickles now that she’ll come up to him and taunt him to chase her.

But when I am home and seeing how they are together, it doesn’t seem like they like each other. They both aren’t the cuddling type, but I am very curious as to how they really do feel about each other.

I mean, Relish meowing loudly while I take Pickles out front to pee, that has to be affection, right? I don’t know, maybe. I sometimes fantasize that while I’m at work or at away, they are cuddling together, sleeping wrapped up in each other.

I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night noticing that they’ll sleep in close proximity to each other next to me. There’s hope, I guess. There’s hope.

Maybe it is because of Relish, but it feels that I have been neglecting Pickles as of late. I’m sure much of it has to do with me having to board him now whenever I travel whereas before I would drop him off at a friend’s or at the Carters, but I just feel bad for the little guy.

I look at him, seeing his face, and I understand what he wants and what he’s thinking, always wants to be out exploring.

I don’t know why, but it just feels that I haven’t taken him out as much this year as I had done in the past. I know a lot of it has to do with me being more antisocial this year than any other year and I guess he’s suffering because of it. Hopefully I can rectify that in the coming year.

I’ll make a conscious effort to take him out to the parks or even going hiking. Let’s hope.

2015. Make me a better parent. Bring it on.

* * *

Relationships. Socializing. Me and the outside world. Pro-solitude and my ways of hermitude.

It has been a difficult year for me this year in terms of relationships and just being social.

Sure it may have started off with a bang, me getting into a relationship, but looking back, I really wasn’t ready for one.

But, I knew I had to do it, because otherwise, how else would I know? Again, I’m the type of person that has to go through things and experience things to actually know how I feel about it. Especially when it comes to relationships.

Sure, I had my doubts early on during that time with Milipitas. My gut was like, what are you doing? But I had to do it. I had to be sure.

Coming out of it, I realize that I don’t want to be in a relationship now. Sure, I would like to be in a good and stable and loving relationship one day, but being in one, it just makes me realize that relationships just don’t work for me.

Yes, I realize that this last one was different and really wasn’t good for me, but I can’t base all my future relationships off of that. It just wasn’t a good relationship. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good.

I did the wrong thing in it. I was forced into it because I didn’t want to hurt the person. I shouldn’t have been in it to begin with, but again, it was my fault in that I needed to try.

I guess it all goes back to the mid-life-crisis that I was going through. I felt that I needed to be in a relationship because that was the growth and the change that I needed in my life to get me through the MLC. I was wrong.

It was just irrational pressure I was feeling from myself and family and society.

Coming out of it, I just realize I value my independence way too much to be in a relationship. I enjoy being alone, doing whatever it is that I want to do and not being in a relationship where I can go weeks and weeks without seeing or talking to her.

I’m just not good at relationships.

I’m good at being alone.

I’m good at being me and that’s where I’ll be for the time being.

Yes, I agree with my shrink. I have to be open to a relationship whenever I meet someone. I have to be. I can’t totally shut it out.

I just need to keep my eye out for the so called right girl, if she ever exists. My shrink believes that they are everywhere. I just have to keep my eye out.

Well, in the meantime, my eyes are open as I enjoy my life of pro-solitude.

Socializing, or simply, the lack thereof.

As the year progressed, and even during that little relationship, I realize that I had reverted back to my old ways. I had become more and more antisocial as of late.

I know in the past few months most definitely, as I usually tend do at the end of the year, I go back into my cave and just reflect.

But I don’t know why, but I haven’t gone out much and hung out with many people this year. I know a lot of it has to do with the changing or dwindling circle of friends that I usually hang out with.

Relationships change as people leave and as dynamics change.

Before I would hang out with B5, but that dynamic changed a lot. With Blox, she’s gone and our relationship is over the web and other than that, I really don’t have friends that I hang out with after work.

Sure, I have the people in my group at work, but we’ve never been the type that would hang out.

The Carters are gone, leaving me with just by myself and that is something that I’m okay with.

There are many other friends that I have lost along the way. Friends that I just lose touch with because I’m horrible at keeping it up and keeping in touch. I’m very out-of-sight-out-of-mind and that’s something that I have and think will always be.

Friendships just slowly drift away and I just don’t make the effort, even when it’s an old friend reaching out wanting to hang out, like the Villa Vicenz. I just don’t make the effort because it’s just too much. She usually likes to hang in groups and I’m not a group hanger outer and that is something that I try to do, but it is just not my type of thing.

Maybe slowly, but I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like it right now.

Hopefully next year will be a different year in terms of being social and going out more and hanging out more. I don’t know, but there’s always that possibility.

This even applies to family also. I haven’t been as diligent in visiting Great Uncle and his family as I did in the past. I don’t know why, but I just haven’t. It just seems like it is too much effort to do it. Maybe I was just family-ed out this past year with all of the trips and what not and I didn’t need anymore.

I don’t know, hopefully that’ll change also. I know I’ll have to pay them a visit before Chinese New Year’s since I won’t be there this year. Let’s see how it goes.

Looking back, it just feels like this year was a lot like the first couple of years that I was down here. I was on my own just doing my own thing.

I’ve watched so many movies this year by myself, that it seems that I catch one weekly. I have started a movie-night-Mondays and it is just me going to the movies and watching whatever I want and I am totally okay with that.

I am going back to basics I guess. It just works for me.

I guess I was right in saying that I don’t mix well with people when my aunt asked when I’ll have children. I don’t mix well with people, therefore I’ll never be in a relationship and I’ll never have children.

I’m okay with being alone. I love being alone. It works for me.

Maybe that is the biggest lesson of this year. It’s not that I don’t want to be in a relationship, it is that I don’t need to be in a relationship. I think I’ve always known that, but with the MLC and me believing that it’ll be good for change, my mind got warped and felt that I need it to grow.

But the main lesson is that I, nor anyone need to be with someone to be happy or to grow.

I feel that I have grown a lot this year and have a better understanding of who I am just by being on my own. Sure it had a lot to do with my shrink and me just picking at the things that makes me the way I am to just have a good understanding as to why I am the way I am.

I value independence. It’s the world to me.

I don’t need anyone and that’s okay with me.

* * *

Another day, another song to start my writing, another subject

Let’s see if I can connect it and have it flow the way that I need it to flow.

Where to start today? Where should I take it?

Creativity.

Looking back, it just seems that this year has been a little lacking in the creative side for me. I blame most of it on the MLC that I was going through, uninspired to do anything, unable to focus on anything.

But, midway through the year, I was able to focus more and having that writing set up with Scott again helped quite a bit.

I’m almost finished with my new script. It has problems, but hey, I’m writing again. I think that is what matters most. I’m writing again. I’m creating again.

I haven’t used my camera much this year. Again, uninspired. No photography projects and I’m just too lazy to carry my DLSR around every day. Hopefully that’ll change come the New Year as I am planning on doing two photography projects.

I’m planning on doing another 365 again, but this time it’ll be black & white photography. Hopefully it’ll be a mixture of iPhone and DSLR if not all DSLR. Let’s hope I finish and don’t get bored with it halfway through.

Another project would be my portrait-of-the-day project. I’ve been seeing all of these videos as of late of people taking a selfie of them every day for a year or even two or three years and then stitching them together to make a video out of it. I’m intrigued and hopefully I can do that also.

We shall see. Hopefully.

I know that I need some inspiration in my life and a big creative outlet to keep my mind sharp and busy. Hopefully.

We shall see.

2015. Bring it on.

* * *

Lock you up…turning to the dark.

I’m not a perfect person and I don’t have the best personality even though many people see me in a different way that I know myself to be. They see the side of me that is at work and with those short glimpses and experiences, it’s hard for them to really gauge who I really am.

I’m impatient for the most part with zero tolerance for stupidity.

As I get older, I’m starting to realize how judgmental I am. It seems very prevalent in the past few months and I really don’t understand why it has gotten so bad.

I need to make a better effort to not be so judgmental. I know that I have a very open mind on many things and I pretty much live a very libertarian life in terms of you do whatever you want to do and I do whatever I want to do and let’s just leave it at that.

But for some reason, I have been very judgmental about many things lately. I don’t like it. It’s definitely a side of me that I need to change. This isn’t a matter of want, it’s a matter of need to change for the better.

I should be less judgmental. I should live free of any judgment. I need to see that what is best for me isn’t necessarily best for other people and just let other people be.

It’s not my place to put my two cents and it is definitely not my place to tell them what they should do.

I don’t want that, so why would other people expect that from me.

Change. Growing. Be less judgmental.

I wonder how many people I have hurt because I have been so judgmental as of late. I know I don’t voice many of my judgments, but I do wonder how many people that I dismiss or hurt because I subconsciously do it? Need to change.

Hurting people.

It just seems it wouldn’t be a complete year if I didn’t hurt a few people or ruffle a few people.

This past year was no different.

First and foremost, it was Milipitas. It is what it is. I think I wrote about it enough on this here space of mine, but that was the worse one. I didn’t mean to and I knew going in that she was more in it than I was, but I allowed it to go further than it needed it to and then I ended it. I hurt her and that was my fault.

Next was Blox. It was an assumption on my part and a big wrong assumption and that really pissed her off. I didn’t realize that she would be so mad at something so simple, but I understand that I should have considered what she wanted. It was my fault and definitely something that I need to be mindful of in the future, not just with her, but with everyone else.

One great perk of being so anti-social, you don’t get too many chances to piss people off. The less people I hang out with or be around, the less people I piss off. Easier that way.

We shall see.

No more hurting people, please?

2015. Bring it on.

* * *

Change. Growth. More adult.

Here’s to the small personal changes.

Optimism.

That sense of optimism is still around. It’s been there for years and I don’t know where it came from, but it is still around. With that new found optimism, there comes the confidence also.

Just thinking back to how I was years ago, while I was so young and comparing it to now, I have changed so much. As documented in these pages of mine, I definitely have grown up quite a bit with my years.

My confidence soars high above where it once was and so has my optimism. I still can’t get over how weird that is to me. I just don’t understand where it came from.

MLC. It definitely had changed me a lot. That pressing urge to change has changed not only what’s on the inside, cooling the inner turmoil that I was feeling, but it also changed how I look.

This past year saw the tail end of my hair experiment, growing it out for donation. I did it. I finished it, just shy of the 10 inches I was going for, but it was long enough for me to donate.

I know a lot of it was a control thing, to see if I have the conviction to hold onto it and finish it. It had a lot to do with the MLC, when it seemed that I didn’t have a control in my life, having control of my hair and what to do with it was definitely helpful.

Also, I’m sure my confidence definitely grew because of that. I did a lot of crazy shit with my hair and I didn’t care what other people think of it. Some people hated it and some people didn’t care while other people loved it. It was me and I took control of it. I didn’t care what other people think. It all boils down to me not caring what other people think and just doing it. It felt so freeing.

I’m glad that I did it and I’m doing it again. I’m months into my second round of growing out my hair and I have another year left to go. It’ll feel no different in terms of not caring what other people think.

Another thing was growing out my facial hair for Movember again, for the same reasons, control and not caring. It was what I wanted to do and I did it and I didn’t care what other people think. The reactions were mixed, but that’s how it’ll always be.

Confidence. It definitely have grown a lot. I definitely have more of it then I did last year.

Another side effect of this MLC is how I dress now. I look more adult as a coworker mentioned a few weeks ago. I am dressing more and more like a grown up. Gone is my t-shirt collection, replaced by more button ups and slim fitting pants. It seems like I am a fashion whore now, but I still have my days of just wearing a hoodie and jeans.

But how I dress has definitely taken a different turn then how I use to dress and it feels right. It feels like the right direction to me, getting compliments from time to time. People notice. Girls notice.

Slowly but sure, I’m growing to be a better person than I was the year before.

That’s how it should be. Every year should be a growing year.

2015 was no different.

* * *

2014.

It was a trying year. It was a year of deep growth and deep understanding.

It was like any other year that had transpired in recent memory, but at the same time it was a year unlike any other.

Sure it was a year of growth, but it was more than that. It was a year of personal freedom and there’s so much to that personal freedom.

I worked on letting my demons go, not taking blame and responsibility to the death of my father which I have been holding on for the past 11+ years. The weight has lifted, the guilt is almost gone.

It’s so freeing. I haven’t felt like this in such a long time. My heart is so light. My soul, unburdened.

Personal freedom. I’m finally committing to how I have been living all my adult life. I do me. I do what is best for me. No more having to consider family and having to base many of my decisions on how it’ll affect them and what they want me to do.

I’m finally committing to taking the only thing that matters, and that is my feelings on the matter. Sure, I’ll think about how it’ll affect them, but in the end, my decisions will be what is best for me and what I want to do. I’ve been doing it for all of my life, it is just only now that I see that and see how it made me a better man and a happier person.

Personal freedom. I value my independence and at the current moment, I don’t want to give that up. I still can’t reconcile that being in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean that I’ll have to give it up or that I’ll have less of it, but I know right now, here in this moment, I don’t want to be in a relationship

I know that had been one of the biggest struggles that I was battling, the do I or don’t I want to be in a relationship. I guess that is one of the reasons why I had gone through my MLC, the not knowing what it is that I want. Now I know.

Relationships aren’t for me. I don’t work in a relationship.

I am okay with that. I enjoy my solitude. I enjoy my independence.

Growth.

It is about coming to terms with what you want and realizing that you can’t make everyone happy and that your decisions might disappoint and hurt others that only want the best for you, and that you have to stick to it because it is what you want and it is what makes you happy.

Understanding.

With understanding comes change. Now I have a better and deeper understanding of my behavior and my predispositions, I have a better change of changing it.

Growth and change comes slowly and these past few years of being in the MLC, I have definitely changed a lot.

I feel like a brand new person. I am a new me.

I’ll be ending 2014 as a different person than when I started and I’ll be starting 2015 as a brand new person that I have never been.

Here’s to a new me in the New Year.

2014.

Thank you for being another great year. I bid you adieu.

2015.

Bring it. I’m ready to see what you bring.

Hopefully it’ll be no different than the past couple of years. Hopefully it’ll be full of growth and understanding.

2015. Bring it on.

BRING IT ON.