It took me a while to come to this realization, and I needed help from my shrink with it too, but it seemed that I’ve always chose to what is best for me and not for family, even though it seems most of my dilemmas stem from me having to make a decision either for me or for family.

It just seems with my track record that I have always done me and I have been the better for it, but it just seems that for some reason, I couldn’t come to terms with it this time and it has been a struggle.

Family. I love them. I’m very filial and I am not ashamed of it.

So, I tend to consider my family and what they think in most of the big decisions of my life or just things that I want to do. But again, time and time again, as often as I struggled with it, I have always chose to do what is best for me.

I guess the thing to take from this is that I should just listen to my gut and do what is best for me, be selfish.

I’ve always listened to my gut. I’ve always been selfish and that has treated me well. So, why should there even be a battle?

* * *

Yeah, I didn’t really realize how I’ve made those decisions until my shrink brought it up. Again, maybe I’m just too close to it and I just can’t see it, but I definitely see it now.

I do me. That’s what’s best for me.

Pressure, trying to do what is best for family never really did me any good. It just causes so much stress and breakdowns, it just isn’t worth it.

I’m trying to remember how far this went back to, but I guess having that break down in front of my parents in regards to my major and wanting to just do things on my own that really shook things up.

I guess having my father just tell me that he doesn’t care what I major in, but that I need to just graduate and get the paper and in the end, that is all that matters. I guess having that out there and having him give me the blessing to just do whatever it was that I needed to do, just relieved the pressure and the anxiety. It gave me the strength to make my own decisions.

Then I decided that I wanted to move down here. There really wasn’t much of a discussion there. Sure my father wasn’t too happy about it, wanting me to instead go to vocational school for computers and then decide if I want to come down here afterwards.

I was set and firm in that decision to just move down here. I had to. I don’t think I ever considered family at that time. It never crossed my mind how my parents felt. I just had to do it because I know that it’ll save me.

It was exactly what I needed to be independent, to be able to breathe because I felt so suffocated up there. I had to. I was trying to save my life

Then the same thing happened after my father passed away and my mom wanted me to move back up. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to move back up. I couldn’t do it. I thought about it, but again, I really didn’t consider family. I was selfish and thought about my sanity and how I was going to deal. I needed it to fix myself and I knew if I moved back, things would be bad.

So, again, another big decision I had to make and I never really thought about it or consider family. I just made the decision and just stayed down there.

Knowing me, I am the type of person who makes decisions and big changes only when I’m ready to make them and not before. I do not cave into the pressure of people telling me what I need to or not to do.

I never been the person to heed the things that people tell me what that I should do, but I don’t know why, but with this whole I’m getting older and I should really consider finding someone and start a family is one of the big ones that I couldn’t shake.

Maybe a big part of me is that I do want it. I know that I want it, to be married and to have children and have a family of my own.

I know in a way, I do want that in my life, and I guess what it boils down to is that these wants and needs and desires align with what my family wants for me. So maybe I thought I’d try and do that, but not knowing that I wasn’t ready for it and that I just can’t do it right now.

I know that I want to find the right person, a person that I just can get along with and understands me and my desire for independence.

I just know when things are right and when’s the right time only when I know it and right now, even though there’s all this pressure, it isn’t the right time. But then family’s there, with all the pressure.

I guess I bought into it. I don’t know.

But I’m thinking more clearly now and know where I stand. I’m not ready and I’m going to do what is best for me.

Don’t fall into the pressure.

* * *

Looking back just now and it does seem that most of this all started about 2011, after my road trip back home. I just seemed off them. Reading back on my old blogs, it’s also the year when I made mom cry because of what I told her about 5th Uncle lecturing me while I was in Philly.

I guess that was an appropriate time for me to put that pressure on myself.

I don’t want to ever make my mom cry. That’ was the first time in a long long long time that I’ve made my mom cry and I guess I took it to heart, because it was about her wanting me to find a wife and having children.

I guess that’s when I started to put the pressure on myself, my thinking and putting family before my needs, wanting to make them happy.

It just makes sense.

I guess I know better now. I’ve gone through a year of therapy, to make me better and I came out better now knowing that I should consider family, but ultimately I do what is best for me.

My track record shows it.

It works for me.

It just does.

* * *

So, hopefully with the New Year, and starting today, the new Winter season, I’ll take this new found knowledge with me and start living a better life.

It’s funny, I took a test that predicts what kind of year 2015 would be for me and I scored that it’ll be a year of celebration.

Looking ahead, it just feels like it will be.

I’m curious, very curious what my next blank slate will be?

What will I make of it?

If plans hold true, it’s already shaping up to be an exciting year for my travels and it’s going to start out very differently from my typical years.

This year will end and the next year will start in my beloved.

I have never spent New Year’s in any other city than LA for the longest time. Thinking back, I don’t even remember if I ever spent New Year’s back in the PNW. If I did, it was years and years ago.

But, this will be different. I’ll be spending it in Chicago. It’ll definitely start my year out different from all of my typical years even if I don’t make it past the dropping of the ball or if I sleep through it or even if I don’t go out and celebrate, instead staying in at the hotel

I don’t mind. The year is already planned to start out different and that is fine with me.

The open possibilities of the year to come intrigues me. It fascinates me. I’m so looking for it.

Maybe it’ll be a year of celebration.

I’m planning trips that excites me, doing what I want, exploring where I want without any consideration of others.

Iceland and hopefully the northern lights. It’ll be my fourth international trip, but it’ll be my first solo one. So excited.

I’ve taken many solo trips before, but this one just excites me, ’cause it’ll be my first.

Excited.

I can’t wait.

A few more hiking and wilderness trips have been planned that I’m excited for. Even if we or I don’t make it to Banff this year, I’ll still be back up in the PNW exploring the wilderness.

I can’t wait.

The New Year is to come, bringing forth a blank canvas. Let’s see what masterpiece I’ll make.