It’s been a long three weeks since my last session with my shrink and this morning our discussion came back to my father again. I asked her what my issue was and she said that I had this problem of doing things that is good for me, but feel guilty because it isn’t what is best for family and I’m just irrationally imposing the guilt and pressure on myself.

Eventually and of course, it all boils down to my father and how I feel guilty about being responsible or believing that I am responsible for his death, as irrational as that is, I feel that way. I sometimes still believe that I am the reason that he died. I am the reason that he picked up that second job and eventually worked himself to death.

I’m the bad guy of the story. I’m the reason why my dad died and therefore, I shouldn’t ever be happy. That’s my penance, which is my sentence. I should never be happy because of it.

It’s irrational.

That’s how I felt and that’s what I believed for so long that it became a truth. It became something that I lived with, ingrained in the fragile psyche of mine to make sense of things. I’m the bad guy. I caused this and I have to live with the consequences. I’ll never be happy again.

That’s why I can never be happy. That’s why I can never believe that my father, that my parents are proud of me. That’s why I can never be truly happy even though I am living my life on my own terms and actually genuinely enjoy living a life alone.

If I take my family out of the equation and just look at my life and how I am living it, I am truly happy. I love being on my own with nothing but my thoughts, books, entertainment, and my adoring pets to keep me company. I love that I go out and socialize on my own terms. If friends want to go out and do something that I don’t want to do, I don’t go. I do things on my own terms.

I love the fact that I am independent and am able to just pick up and go on a road trip by myself or just venture off and do things on my own without anyone. I love that. That makes me happy. I’m happy that I’m able to travel and that I do travel.

I should be happy. I am, if we take away my family and the pressures of finding someone, settling down, and having children. But, I hold onto it.

I am able to dismiss other people’s inquiries and not care about what other people think on that issue or any issue of how I live my life, but when it comes to family and their expectations, I have a problem.

Growing up, I guess I was always the filial son, wanting to do what my parents wanted, to make them happy. My biggest fear was disappointing my family, especially my dad and there are times when I do feel that I have disappointed them because I’m 35, not married and no children. I disappoint them because I don’t want any of that right now. I can’t see myself having any of that.

My shrink says if I continue on this way of irrational thinking, I’ll never be truly fully happy because if I chose this solitary life, the life that I love right now, I’ll always feel that guilt.

I have to see the other side. I have to throw away the guilt. I have to just be rational.

I have to rewrite the truth that I have created and just see the plain rational truth of everything.

I did not kill my father. I did not disappoint him. I made my dad proud. He would be definitely proud of the man that I have become today. He would have loved and be proud of who I became.

He’d love me. I’m a man who, deep down, is a genuinely good guy. I’m independent and respectful of my elders and my family. I love my family. I have a good job. He would love me.

My father would definitely be proud of me.

I need to see that. I need to believe that. I have no reason to believe that he wouldn’t be except for my irrational need to put this guilt on myself because I believed I was to blame for his passing.

So, let’s make a pact with myself, that I should just see the rational truth in all things, especially when it relates to my father passing away.

I did not kill my father. There’s no reasonable explanation as to why he passed away so young. There’s nothing that will make me understand why. I just have to live with the fact that shit happens in life.

My dad passed away from a heart attack because heart disease runs in my family. He didn’t take care of himself, in terms of exercising, watching his diet, and resting.

He worked two full time jobs, because he was bored. I have to believe that.

That is the truth. That is the new truth as to why things happened.

I was just down here, finding myself, doing what was best for me because I needed fixing. I didn’t do it. I didn’t kill my dad.

I shouldn’t feel this guilt. The only thing that I should feel is just pure loss.

The only thing that I was responsible for was not truly believing that he was proud of me.

I should believe what his boss said, that he was very proud of me, moving down to LA on my own and doing my own thing. He was proud of me.

I have to believe that. He was proud of me and should be proud of me.

There’s no fingers to point, no one to blame. He had a heart attack. That’s life. Shit happens. My motto.

Be rational. Just be rational and think this through. I am smart enough to see that. Take away the blame. Stop punishing myself.

Just stop.

I deserve better. I deserve to live my life guilt free. I deserve to be happy and this guilt that I am imposing on myself blocks that happiness.

So, stop it. Just stop it.

It is time. I have suffered enough.

It is time to just let it go and take away the biased blinders and see things how they were.

Dad got a heart attack and died. That was it. It’s just that simple. I had nothing to do with his death. I didn’t do anything. I didn’t cause it. Stop blaming and stop pointing fingers. There’s no one at fault.

There’s no bad guy.

Shit happens. C’est la vie. That’s life.

Let it go.

It is time.

There’s no forgiving because I didn’t do anything wrong. Stop blaming myself.

I knew him and knowing that I miss him is enough. There’s no need to punish myself or make up these stories as to why it had to happen. It just happened.

Let it go. It’s not my fault. There’s no one to blame.

Let it go.

Just stop.

Stop.

Let it go.

It is time to heal. It is time to be okay. It is time to allow myself to be happy.

It is just fucking time for this. I have punished myself long enough.

Enjoy life.

That’s what Dad would have wanted. That’s what Dad wants.

I keep saying that I am a lot like him in so many ways and I think that if I was in Dad’s shoes, I would want the same, for me to be happy and to live in the way that makes you happy.

No pressure. No guilt.

Dad was proud. You know he was. You can hear it in his voice. Believe in that. You hear it from what others says.

Believe in that. You have no reason to doubt them.

They are genuine sentiments.

It is time. Stop punishing yourself, Phong. Just stop.

It’s time to live your life guilt free and allow yourself to be happy.

You are the one in control. I am in control.

It is only you who can allow yourself to be happy.

I allow myself to be happy. I set myself free.

You just have to put aside all of these bullshit irrational baseless pessimistic and self-deprecating sentiments and ideas and just take things as what they are.

Life happened. Dad’s heart gave up because he didn’t take care of himself. He was proud of you when he passed away and you know it, you hear it, you see it. He was proud. He’s proud of you now. He just wants you to be happy, no matter what.

Just allow yourself to be.

Rewrite your truth, to just the truth.

Stop blaming yourself. Be rational.

Let it go.

Just let it go.

You know it is the right thing to do. You know it is, so just do it.

Just stop doing this to yourself and just allow yourself to live and be happy.

It’ll be hard. I’ll be difficult to give up those guilty feelings and that self-imposed heavy burden, but it is the right thing to do.

It’ll take some adjustment, but it’ll be right.

It’ll be right.

I did not kill my father.

You won’t even need to learn to forgive yourself because there is nothing to forgive. You didn’t do it. I didn’t do it. I did no wrong.

I didn’t do anything wrong.

I am just an innocent that got in the crossfire of life. Shit happened.

Just grieve and move on.

I’ll be all right. I’ll be happier.

You know you see it. You know this is right. You just have to allow yourself to believe it.

The choice is yours. The choice is mine.

It is time. It is definitely time to stop punishing yourself for something you didn’t do.

Just stop it.

So, remember today. Today you start healing.

Today you start living a guilt free life.

Today you allow yourself to be happy.

Today, I chose to be happy.

Today.