Writer’s block. It’s happening again.

Or did it ever go away? When was the last time that I got inspired and wrote non-stop with anything creative? I don’t know. It’s been a long time since those first 25 pages in my script.

Now, there’s just only a little bit added to it, and that is about it. I stare at the page, the blinking cursor and I see the scene in my head, how everything transpire, but I stop. I can’t write. I can’t put those images to words.

Something holds me back and I really can’t put my mind on it. Something is stopping me from the free flowing-ness of creating something, typing something, putting words on screen like I can do with these little diatribes so easily.

Blocked.

Procrastinating.

Fear.

I’m too in my head, trying to figure everything out and I need to stop that. Stop all logic and just write.

Write dammit. Write.

I need to get something out. I need to write it out. I need to do.

Don’t waste words or time typing out something that means nothing, or do. If it is shit, your group will let you know that it is shit and you change it ’cause deep inside you know it is shit also.

Just write dammit. You fucker, just write.

Write.

* * *

Mind and brain things.

We have scaled back my therapy to every other week. I guess I made progress and I honestly do feel that I have made progress.

I don’t feel the same stuckness that I felt when I first started.

For the most part, I do feel like myself, being always fatigued aside.

I think I just need to be more active and I’m not, especially when I’m working, sitting on my ass all day. I need to be more active, get more energy.

I never felt tired during the Utah trip. I was bustling with energy, even after a long day’s hike. I slept horribly in the hotel room, get up and do it all over again and I feel fine.

Pressure and rut. Falling into the trap that because I’m a certain age I have to be somewhere in my life.

Not true. I’m 35, single, and I enjoy being single. I enjoy independent life and living on my own and through this self-searching journey of therapy, I realized that I am not ready to give that up yet. I am not ready to be in any kind of relationship yet and I shouldn’t force myself to be in one because I feel pressured that I should be at a certain phase in my life because I’m of a certain age and that everyone around me is already there.

I need to stop that.

Enjoy this freedom and explore like you do.

Live my life, on my own terms.

That had always been me. I do what my gut says and I do what I want. I always have.

Sure I have these nagging voices in my head and my personal demons that tell me to do other things, I just have to ignore them. Push them out of my head.

I just need to live on my own terms.

The happiest moments in my life is just me living. They are moments of when I wanted to do something, go somewhere, and just doing it. No questions asked, no waiting on someone, but just doing.

I wanted to do Utah. I went. I decided on a whim to do Tokyo, within a day, it was mostly planned. I wanted to do SE Asian, I made it happen. Niagara Falls, done.

Making plans and doing it. Just living.

It just feels good to just do what I set out to do in terms of my life, because they were my choices and no one telling me what to do.

Live.

Live with the freedom that I have and that I just value so much.

I’m sure much of this need for independence does stem from losing my father and that the last thing that I was able to give him was me being independent and taking care of myself.

My parents always raised me that way. Don’t rely on anyone to help you. Do everything on your own. Work hard for your things.

Nothing was ever handed to me. I worked and paid my dues and it was a long long process to get to where I am in my life right now. It was a very long time and as I told my shrink, why rush it.

Don’t rush it. Enjoy it. Enjoy my time doing whatever it is that I want to do.

Chicago in winter is booked. Next up, Iceland. Northern Lights. My first international trip on my own. Bucket list.

Done. Checked.

Just do. Think of what you want to do and just do.

* * *

I’m not a fan of dating. Just not for me, especially online dating. Just never worked for me and I guess me being in the place where I am now, I never put in the full effort ’cause I am just not ready for it.

I’m sure there will be a time when I will be ready for it and maybe I’ll put in a better effort, but right now, I’m just going to put off any ideas that I need to be with someone, to start a family, to have kids, any thoughts like that and just push them away. Kill them. Kill those ideas. They are just detrimental to any kind of happiness in my life.

* * *

Besides my constant need of independence and the deep deep fear of losing it because of a relationship, I didn’t realize how much of a control freak I am.

I want control.

I like control.

Maybe it is because things will go my way or maybe it is the whole being taught to do everything on my own thing.

I have no clue, but whenever I’m with people that are doing things that can be done better, not to my liking, I get annoyed.

Control.

Never really thought that I would be, but it does make sense. I guess it just take some therapy to finally get it through my head.

People walking too slow. People driving too slow. Annoying.

* * *

Be open to the possibility.

Just be open to the possibility of change, or someone in my life. If I do find someone that I like, who seems independent, and is willing to give me space, or someone who is a lot like me in terms of independence, be open to that person. Don’t cut them out.

But I just need to be totally aware of the person first and not be so oblivious as to when girls like me and such.

I’m horrible at that. Just horrible.

Just be open.

* * *

So, the plan of action. Live and be open to possibilities.

Open to meeting someone like Liz, the girl I met at Dead Horse Point, on her own personal road trip to explore the wilderness from via Toronto.

Again, once she told me that she was doing this on her own, she went from a cute average girl to hot damn you are so fucking hot and sexy right now, marry me type of girl.

Independent girls, they get me going.

I guess it makes sense. I value my independence, I love my independence. It’s one of the most important things in my life that I value so highly. I would be attracted to someone who feels the same or is the same.

Independence.

Live and be open.

LIVE AND BE OPEN.

* * *

Food.

I love to eat and I constantly think of food.

Not just food that I can go out and eat, but foods that I can cook.

I think I’ve been just cooking a lot lately. It’s something to help me relax, to fill the time, and something to just nourish me.

I guess I just need another creative outlet in my life since my photography and my writing had taken a backseat to what it was before.

Those are things that I definitely need to get back into, especially photography. I just need to do it. No excuses. Just do it.

But I think food is a good replacement. A good skill to just know and perfect.

Plus, I need to save money and stop eating out.

And I need to eat healthier. This way, at least I know what is going into my body and I have some semblance of control over it. I’m still not as diligent as I should be in terms of not eating out, but it works right now.

* * *

Blah, I need new clothes.

Winter clothes and regular clothes.

But at the moment, the pressing thing is some winter clothes for Chicago. Something warm so I can just bundle up and then maybe some outdoor winter clothes for Iceland. Clothes. Money. Blah.

I guess my new suit can wait until next year, closer to Dat’s wedding.

I’ll figure it out.

* * *

The life.

I am living it.

I am living a life that I love, doing whatever it is that I want.

I get to travel and explore.

I guess my shrink is right in that sense, that I am doing what many people would be envious of, to just work, save money and just travel and see the world.

Those are big accomplishments. Those are things that many dream of and strive for.

I am doing it and I shouldn’t take it for granted.

Be happy about it.

You are living the dream and living the life that you always wanted.

Enjoy it while you can.

Be in the moment and stop thinking about stupid shit that you have no control over.

Just live.