Writing.

Creative writing — not these little rambles I do here from time to time.

It’s getting a little tougher. I thought I had it back, but right now, there is no motivation to get onto my current project.

Maybe it is because I know that I have a little break away from reality coming up soon or maybe I haven’t figure out exactly what happens next and I’m just procrastinating until that time comes when I get that little light bulb above my head and scream for joy.

Maybe I am just tired of it already….not even half finished, not even started.

Maybe.

* * *

This week has been a little long week. It seemed that I was kind of busy throughout, doing little things here and there that just add up to a full day. Even now, today, I still don’t understand what it is that kept me so busy.

Sure there were the usual time of just surfing and sitting and zoning out that I am familiar with, but there were some legit work I had to do, but I just don’t remember what.

Fucking stupid Outlook and printer problems in Chicago. That is one. Still don’t know if I fixed it or not.

* * *

I drifted alone in this little tin can that protects me from the cold burning void that is space. My crew never made it through the atmosphere. I drifted alone in the eerie silence that was only the soft his of recirculated oxygen, but then I heard a voice….

* * *

I’ve been feeling a little nostalgic as of late. Maybe it is the story I’m listening to, The Goldfinch, about a man who remembers the times of his youth after his mother died in a tragic bombing at the MET in NYC.

I don’t know why, but I’ve been thinking of family lately, everyone that had passed away in my life. My dad. My grandma. My uncles and my aunt. Everyone.

Life is just passing me by. Our Jedi Council dwindled in what seemed like a blink of an eye. Blink and blink and soon, there will be no more. My generation are taking on the reins now. We are the new council.

As our family dwindled in numbers, it grows all the same. Everywhere I look, babies everywhere.

Cousins, first and second, are getting married, having children, starting families.

They become the adults and the responsible ones like my parents and my uncles and aunts before me.

And yet, I am here, by myself, living for myself and at times I do wonder, am I just being selfish, living for myself?

Am I ready to be the responsible one?

I think and it haunts me, this thought of needing to be married, of being my parents and being a parents, starting a family — ultimately giving up on my independence.

It’s scary.

I’ve been on my own for too long. I’ve been alone for too long.

I just don’t know how.

Freedom. Independence.

I fought so long, I struggled so long figuring myself out, finally getting more comfortable in my skin, putting myself first above all and living my life the way that I want to live, on my own terms.

I fought so long to get comfortable and to fulfill all my wanderlust dreams, which I am doing. I am exploring. I am seeing. I am experiencing.

I am living my own life.

I am just not ready to give that up yet.

I am just not ready for it.

* * *

It’s kind of funny when I think of how I grew up, my two sides fighting and always in conflict. My Chinese side always putting family and the others first — the collectivism pulling me to think of others first. Then there is the side I was taught in school and through all things America — the individualism pulling me to think for myself, of myself, and be selfish.

It had been a long struggle growing up, trying to find a way to identify and find myself. It wasn’t until a few years ago, 2006, I believe that things got better. I started to be more accepting of my Chinese side. I realize that yes, I am Chinese. I was going back to my roots, listening to more Chinese music, speaking more in my native tongue.

It felt right. It felt comfortable. It felt like I was truly me for once in my life, and I thought that conflict was over.

But looking at how things are now, it seems that it just took on a different turn. There’s still that conflict of wanting to start a family, because it is the traditional thing to do and because it’ll make my mom happy and then there is the side where I just love how I am living my life. I love living on my own with no one but my furkids. I love to just pick up and go, traveling alone, doing whatever it is without needing to call in and confer and compromise.

I love this independence. I love this freedom.

The conflict I grew up with is still alive and well. Family vs. Me.

In a way it kind of pulls at me equally, but then I just think I’m stubborn enough to just focus on me.

For the most part, my life right now, works. It works for me, because it is my own doing.

And maybe this conflict is preventing me from moving to Chicago.

I’m considering it, but there’s always that thought of leaving family here, or being the easy transport for my mom whenever she wants to visit relatives down here that is kind of making me reconsider this move.

If I do move, it’ll just be for myself. If I do stay, it’ll be for family.

And I don’t know what to do.

Sure there are fears and inconveniences, like having to relocate and having to find a new job and seeing if I would be able to survive living in the city fiscally and physically. They are real fears and concerns.

But when have I ever let those fears get in my way. I do love the idea of security. I know my mo when it comes to making decisions, especially big ones and that is I need to have a sense of security before I make anything that big.

But there’s always a part of me that will always believe that things will always work out. I’ll figure out a way. I usually do.

Where’s that strange sense of optimism go? Is it still there?

Things to consider. There’s just a lot to consider.

How would my pets deal, especially with the cold? Can I even make it there with the cold?

Would my mom even come and visit? What would she even do there?

I can imagine her now, walking the city and getting tired. She’ll give me the stink-eye, why do you want to live here? Move home!

What to do?

What to do, indeed.

* * *

A few days ago, I started to read Mockingjay again. It’s to get ready for the film adaption that is about come out. While on Goodreads, I reread my review of the book at that time, and I thought it was a good review. It was well written.

There are sometimes when I do go back and reread some of my old stuff and think that some of it is actually good. Maybe I’m just bullshitting myself, but I do think it is good.

There was a moment when I was reading the Mockingjay review and I didn’t believe that I wrote this review. I actually thought I was reading someone else’s review. I was pleasantly surprised.

* * *

I’m such a dreamer. I’m always dreaming.

I’ll always be dreaming.

Sometimes dreaming just gets in the way when I realize that my dreams may not come true. I just get disheartened.

But I’m still young.

Think positively.

Apparently, it’s The Secret.

Easy.

“Why was it so easy” she asked?

I don’t know. I really don’t know why I was just so comfortable with the chit chat at Snickers or even with the MB Grandma on the plane. I have no idea.

Maybe it was just a matter of expectations, maybe it is something else.

I didn’t expect much when I went to get a drink at Snickers. Just thought that I would a drink and then leave. No expectations.

With the MB Grandma was a little different. I knew her from work. We’ve already chatted during the day, me helping her out setting up her laptop. It was already done and done.

So, I guess there wasn’t much pressure at all. Not much at all.

It was just a normal chit chat I had with anyone that I know. The little small get to know each other’s that I’m comfortable with only after the fact of knowing you.

Dates are much different. Lots of pressure. Can’t do much.

Blah.

* * *

The Honking Jeep of Waving Arms.

It had been a long week at work and I’m coming up to the accident prone busy street, National Blvd. Pickles took his sweet ass time like he always does and I just wanted to get this damn walk over and done with. I’m tired and just wanted to get home so I can just rest. It’d be down a little ways and I’d be home. I’m plugged into my phone singing along to some sad pop song that was popular with the mass and not thinking of anything. I just minded my own business.

A blaring horn blew its way through some sad heartbreak into my ears and then out of the corner of my eyes I saw arms. Flailing arms. Waving arms. These arms belonged to these two young girls driving a black jeep.

The first thought in my head as I waved back with a genuine smile, as I learned how not to fake smile a few years ago, was who the fuck are these girls? Who do I know that drives a black jeep? Who do I know that was blonde and was a friend with a brunette?

I came up with no answers. I thought the driver looked familiar, but my eyes have failed me almost every time. I don’t trust them anymore. So I did what I most always do and just continued to smile and walk, ending my waves after an indeterminate amount of waving and acknowledging them and thinking how weird this whole situation was.

I encompassed social awkwardness to a T.

I kept walking away and then I asked Pickles if he knew who those girls were and of course he was too busy with all the smells to care. Useless dog.

So I walked on, wondering and wondering and coming up with no answers. Soon they became an afterthought as my home beckoned to lay my head down and dream.

@ @ @

That was a few days ago and I those girls were still on my mind. Who were they? Did it actually happen or was I so delirious from my work trip that I dreamed it all.

No one emailed or texted me saying that they saw me and why I was such an ass to them and just walked away. No one reached out.

Were they strangers? I’m not the type of guy that a Jeep full of girls would just randomly wave at, unless it was a hazing ritual. It could possibly be. Damn college girls these days.

Someone from work? Maybe. Who knows?

There was only one nagging thought…what if?

What if it was the girl from Chicago? What if it was the girl that I sat next to on my flight back from Chicago just a few days before? What if?

It could be, but that would just be a weird coincidence. She didn’t even live around my neck of the woods. What would she be doing there? It just wouldn’t make sense.

But it could be? A blonde and a brunette? Her roommate was blonde. It could be?

If it was, what did it all mean?

Was it a sign? Did I even believe in signs?

It’s all too much. What if?

What did the big U that was the Universe trying to say? Why was the big U fucking with me?

Why?

I just had to chill out. Time would give me answers. Time would tell.

I just had to be patient, but I had never been known to be a man of patience.

Damn you Universe. Just damn you for always fucking with me.

* * *

True story.

I don’t know who it could possibly be and no, it wasn’t just a case of mistaken identity or one of those traps where they were waving to someone else. I’d checked. No one was behind me.

Maybe they were waving to Pickles. Maybe.

I’m sure it was MB Grandma and her roommate who just happens to be driving around my neighborhood, making their way to the 10 or something. It was just a coinkidink. It happens.

I’m sure.

* * *

My shrink really do think I should consider moving to my beloved.

It has been on my mind, especially being there and actually feeling like I just fit in. I don’t know.

It’s really a lot to consider. What would I be giving up?

There would be a lot that I’m giving up. What would I gain?

A better chance at happiness? I am happy now, but could I be even more, living in a city that I love so much?

I won’t be technically starting fresh, making new friends and such. I have friends there. I have coworkers there.

It is really a lot to consider.

I guess I’ll just need to think about it more.

* * *

I want to write. I have this great urge to just write more. Not scripts. Not blogs. Words. Short stories. A novella. A novel. Prose.

There’s just this urge to do it.

I need to get on it.

Maybe I should just give myself some time, a little incentive. I should just finish my current script and finish this novella idea that I have and then consider moving to Chicago.

Maybe.

Time will tell what happens.

A lot to consider. A lot to think about.

I’m going to swing from the chandelier.

It’s been a long three weeks. It’s been a long time away. It’s been a long time from just me.

Travels kept me busy. Travels kept me away.

For the most part, it was good.

My uncle was laid to rest. Hope that his family can start to heal now.

The service was what I expected it to be. It went faster than I thought it would. The Sifu’s weren’t as good as the ones that I’ve experienced up North, but if they think they did a good job and my uncle is good to go, then in the end, that is all that matters.

Portland fun. Portland move.

That was the smoothest move that I have ever experienced. There wasn’t much of any trouble at all. Everything that came up, was taken care of almost immediately. It was simple simple, thankfully.

Got to hang out with family and bonded more with baby Carson. That’s a good thing in my book. There were some mishaps, but that is to be expected.

But overall, Portland was good. Family is doing well and that is all that matters right now.

Chicago.

My beloved. My love.

Work wise, there were some major major annoyances and most of them if not all originated from Regus. They didn’t get their shit up and ready when I gave them ample time to get it set up.

I didn’t expect to be as busy as I was. Two full days of working straight, without lunch. I was very surprised that it took me so long do everything that I needed to do. I actually do wonder how much had to do with the network not working since I jumped onto the wifi to set everyone up on the first day. Would there being network made a difference?

I’m not sure, but yes, very annoyed with Regus in Chicago.

* * *

Firsts.

It seems to me that there was a few firsts that happened while I was in Chicago. Maybe I was just relaxed and wasn’t expecting much of anything at all, but I don’t know, but I did have fun just going out.

After I flew in on Saturday night, I went to dinner at RPM Italian. It had high ratings and it was just across the street. Do it. Did it. It took me a while to find a spot at the bar for food because it was so crowded on a Saturday night, but eventually I did.

I got some wine and a pizetta and the spicy crab squid ink pasta.

The pizetta was good. Good crunch. Good mushrooms. Good truffle flavor. It was definitely a good choice.

I was a little underwhelmed by the pasta though. I guess I expected more squid ink flavor or something, but nothing really stood out. The flavor was a little one note. Disappointed.

So, after a long week in Portland, I decided to go to Snickers, the local dive bar next to my hotel to have a drink.

I wasn’t expecting to be there long. Just a drink or two and then go back to the hotel and sleep. But I ended up staying until 1:30 in the morning and had about 5 whiskeys.

I just had a great time there. And I don’t know what it was about there that just put me at ease. Maybe it is the city, or maybe therapy has been working or that I’m feeling more myself than ever.

I don’t know, but I met a dude there and were just chatting and bullshitting and admiring the girls at the bar. I just had a good time.

It was just funny seeing him try so hard with the bartender. I just sat and watched.

Also, sitting at the bar, it just seemed that I sat just at the right place as girls would squeeze next to me to get a drink. I ended up chatting with a nice girl from Milwaukee who knew how to spell my name. Molly. She was there to celebrate her friends’ birthday and not Lollapalooza.

Drink after drink. Relaxed and just not thinking much of anything. No pretension. Nothing. Just me out having a good time at a dive bar. I should go to dive bars more often.

On my last day at work, I met an old employee that came back to work. I never met her before, but I believe that I troubleshot things for her before. It just so happens that this Manhattan Beach Grandma was heading home the same day as I am and it just so happens that we would be on the same flight.

Now usually on the plane, I just want to plug into my iPod or phone and just try to sleep. There’s no talking. There’s no socializing. Nothing. But as I got on the plane, and headed back trying to find an aisle seat, there she was. Her roommate ditched her for a window a few rows up and I sat next to the MB Grandma for the flight. We chatted, me getting to know her, for most of the flight.

It was just a weird and funny happenstance. It was a good happenstance.

Definitely a first for me.

It just so happens that she’s pretty cute too, but she’s really really young.

But I had fun. It definitely made the flight go faster and more enjoyable.

There was a bit of turbulence on the flight and I didn’t mind. There was something magically watching a thunderstorm happen off in the distance below us. Flashes of gold and white shimmering in the dark. It was magical. Definitely a flight to remember.

* * *

Ice cream.

Salt & Straw

It’s good. It’s really good, especially for an adventurous eater like me, who like to try different flavors and different flavor profiles in mundane food. Food with a twist.

I had it three times while I on Portland. I usually don’t have a sweet tooth, but damn, it was good and interesting. I maybe a sugar addict after all.

The good food in Portland was good. Pok Pok was great, but a little pricey in my opinion and Andina was good, but not probably overhyped by everyone. Good none the less.

I love food.

* * *

Even though I thought RPM Italian was a little disappointing, I did have some good food in Chicago.

Can’t go wrong with the lobster roll at Shaw’s and then the grilled lobster with squid ink linguine. Now that was fucking awesome.

Had some spicy Thai with the Subs.

* * *

The Subs.

It’s always good when I see old friends and hanging out with the Subs is no different. This time, younger Sub came along too and it was nice to finally hang out with her. I only met her briefly a few years back when they all came to visit.

But it was good, just catching up and listening to old Subs‘s issues. Seems like she’s going through trying times, a mid-life crisis also. Hopefully she’ll figure it out and just not put so much pressure on herself.

She just needs to stop over thinking everything and just have a little more self-esteem and confidence.

She just needs to do it. And listen to her little sis, ’cause she seems to know what she’s talking about.

But it was nice and to hang out with younger Subs, definitely a plus.

* * *

There’s just something about that city that just have this power over me.

I fall in love with it the more I visit. It feels like home in a way. It feels like I belong.

Walking to the office on the 2nd day, it just felt right. It felt like I’ve been doing that every day. It felt like this was how things should be. It felt like that it was my life.

Should I move? I’ve always and will always contemplate it.

Maybe it is the change that I need. Maybe it is what everything is building up to. Maybe is just possibilities to consider until choices are made.

But definitely, we shall see how I feel.

Actually I was asked a few times as to when I’ll be moving there.

Possibilities.

* * *