Thoughts.

A lot have been in my thoughts as of late.

I originally planned on working on something creative today, going back to my current script but I just can’t focus. There’s just too much on my mind.

Family. Family is on my mind.

I got news yesterday that my uncle isn’t doing so well. He’s dying of lung cancer. He doesn’t have long left in this world; about a month to three months left and the shit thing is that we just found out yesterday.

He’s been battling it with some success for the past year and a half to two years, and we just found out about it now.

Family. Family is on my mind.

Communication.

That’s one thing that my family could be better at. I guess that is one thing that most people can be better at. Just better communicators.

* * *

I guess I can understand why the secrecy, the privacy in this nature. It’s a big thing. I understand.

It’s your problem and you don’t want other people to worry about it. It’s my family’s way I guess. I don’t know. I just…there’s just…

Yeah. It is what it is.

But we now know.

And what can we do? Nothing.

Heavy hearts.

Family.

* * *

I’m sure I wrote about this somewhere in these vest words that I’ve written over the years, but I’m tired. I’m tired of seeing so many of my loved ones just go.

My father’s generation is slowly dwindling away. One by one, every few years, poof and they’re gone.

That is a part of life, nature working how it is supposed to, but I just thought that we would have a lot more time with many of them. Besides my grandparents, they were all so young. None of them reaching the age when my grandparents went.

Dwindling.

Loss.

Life.

* * *

I still have to call my mom later to let her know.

Of course she’s worried about my health and to my knowledge, I am fine.

I am healthy. I could be healthier. Fuck, everyone can be healthier.

* * *

So distracted today.

Thoughts are definitely elsewhere.

* * *

Things are just heavy today. Thoughts are just weighing me down. Life, nature, they’re getting in the way.

* * *

I’m off here in this void, exiled away from the rest of the world. Information just trickles down to me. No one tells me much of anything.

I’m sure that there is so much more in my family’s life that I don’t know about.

But to be fair, it’s not like I tell them everything either.

My life just goes on, day in, day out. Nothing much to report.

My day to day is the same as any other day.

I guess I just have no news.

No news is good news, I guess.

* * *

Exile.

I guess that was something I chose.

I moved down here with idealistic dreams, romantic notions. I was so young, so naive and such a dreamer.

Am I still?

I’m making an effort to keep in touch, to maintain some relationships and sometimes to make new ones, especially when it involves family.

Tis is life. My life.

This is how my world revolves and rotates.

All boiled down to my decisions.

We wrack ourselves up with our own guilt and our own voices and conscience, reliving our choices, hoping that we made the right one in most everything we do.

We are responsible for ourselves and no one, no deity, demigod, or otherworld spiritual presence is responsible.

Everything lies with us.

I make an effort with the ones I care for.

There is no guilt or regret there.

I try.

* * *