Trying to light up the dark

My mind moves in a slow haze, trying to find its way, connecting thoughts that once went so quickly, but not today.

My mind fogged by the copious amounts of alcohol I had yesterday and the nasty Freedom shots of vodka. In my opinion there wasn’t anything freedom about that. Nothing at all.

Yesterday for the most part was a blur, especially when I started to drink and had the shots in me. Before that, everything was fine, everything was okay; just the small chit chats of me being socially awkward at a party where I didn’t know that many people.

I tried. I did my best. The alcohol helped, but I hate the feeling after.

I shirked my responsibilities and didn’t get back to the dogs when I should have. One of the pups got scared. I’m sure it was Rocco. Paint shavings littered the carpet when I got home and a pee spot. Poor pups. I should have just gone home, but I was too drunk to drive. Blah.

Parties.

But overall, it wasn’t that bad. I don’t remember much of anything at all. Not sure how I came into conversations with the girl who was going back to Uganda for work. It was a long night and I went straight home and went to bed.

Long long day.

* * *

Slow.

Fingers are typing and punching the keys just a little bit slower than when it was full function. I can’t come up with thoughts in my head, I can’t come up with cohesive things to write about.

Just thoughts. Thoughts and thoughts.

Ugh, I’m just too old to be drinking like that. So much mixing. I’m smarter than that. I’m better than that. I’m just better than that.

No more. No more drinking for a while.

That bottle of wine in the fridge, it’s going to go in the sink.

Ugh.

* * *

Best laid plans / Are sometimes a one night stand

Smiling. Just a movie that makes me smile. Being Again. It just made me smile; the sweetness of the movie just touched my heart and not many movies as of late was had done that.

Not many at all.

Where we’re dancing in our tears

There’s his fucking young asshole who is sitting so close to me now. Fucking annoyed. He should just scooch a little over so he can be closer to the girl that he’s chatting with. Man up. Man up.

* * *

Music is off.

I’m listening to the conversation that is happening between these two.

Chinese movies. Jackie Chan singing. Mulan.

Just random convos by these random people.

Life is full of randomness.

Random.

I’m just rambling now. Just typing out words to just type out words like I need to reach a word quota for the day.

Am I getting close? What’s the quota? 500 words? 1,000 words? I guess I’ll see how close I get at the end of this hour and see how many words I get.

My mind drifts to eggplant and dinner and how to cook it. My mind drifts to food as I sit here kind of hungry, haven’t’ eaten something in about 24 hours. My mind drifts as it normally does.

Everything’s coming up roses

Ugh, it’s going to be a tough tough day for me. The day after of drinking so much. It’s almost as bad as weed. So slow. Brain moving in slow motion.

Saturday.

It’s just throwing me off, this whole holiday and three day weekend thing. I just don’t know what to do. Blah.

* * *

A break, why not?

Nothing here today is cohesive. I’m just free willy nilly chilly this thing today anyway. Might as well.

Obsessed. I’m obsessed with the music from Begin Again. Just obsessed and I can’t get it out of my head. Sure I am constantly listening to the soundtrack, to the songs to Lost Stars. Just obsessed.

I get this way about movies and books that just makes me feel, especially movies that come as an unexpected surprise. I had really no idea what I was expecting with the movie, but it was definitely pleasant.

I’m emo, I know. Blah.

Why is this fucking kid just fucking sitting right here next to me? Why?

Fucking personal space!

Such an off day today. Such an off day. Ugh. Alcohol.

Lots of ughs today.

Maybe I should just cook some rice and eat some of the braised pork belly I made yesterday, which was meant for last night’s dinner. Maybe I should.

Blah.

Prized writing today folks. Prized writing.