The sun shines bright outside, warming the comfortable air into a unbearable heat as I sit in this way too cold air conned establishment typing my fingers away.

As usual, I’m at my usual, doing my usual, in my usual manner.

I’m taking a break from trying to figure out how to proceed in the second act of my new script, trying to put all of the dots together. I know what needs to happen, or at least I think I do. I just need to figure out how to get there. I think.

But we will see. The idea is always in the back of my mind, just going and going, trying to fit these pieces together.

I just need to do a free write and get all of this junk out of my head so I can get a clear mind to really think about it.

Maybe.

Also, I’m just eyeing the score to the Brazil v. Chile Round of 16. Still at a 1-1 tie in the 100th minute. Extra Time.

My mind seems just distracted as I struggle to figure out how to write the second act. Damn the second act.

Fuck it.
* * *

Gilligan was successful once again. Great news as it means that the drives won’t get full again and the email will stop working.

Great.
* * *

Man, I’m really running out of things to just free write.

Too much on my mind? Maybe. Maybe not.
* * *

Is it sad that I saw a little Korean toddler come in and just can’t take my eyes off of her? So cute. I kind of hope that I would have one of my own one day. She’s adorable.

Maybe it is time to get serious. Maybe it is time to make changes. Maybe it is just time to just do it.

Maybe there should be no more maybes.

Just maybe.
* * *

I don’t think it is just a general lack of focus today. I don’t know exactly what it is. Maybe my mind is just in so many directions that I just can’t decide on what to do.

Stop it with the maybes.

Just stop it.
* * *

Man, I think this second act is really getting to me. I just have no idea what it is that I want to do. I need to do a free write of ideas just to get something out. Just type out a bunch of sequences of scenes that connects one to another. Just do a free write that way.

It helped me in figuring out the first act. Maybe that’s what I need to do, and that will be what is happening tomorrow.

I’m getting really rusty on this writing thing.

That is definitely the case and that is definitely what I need to do.
* * *

I love you.

Three little words that I have no problem saying.

I say it with passion all of the time. I say it with my whole heart every day.

But, I don’t think I’ll ever say it when it really matters to someone that really matters that isn’t my dog, my cat, or my family.

Seriously thinking about it, I don’t know. I just don’t know. The more I think about it, the more I feel that it just isn’t possible for me.

The more I think about it, kids doesn’t seem possible for me.

Hopeless.

Just hopeless.

My idea about romance and love and all of this soul mate shit is so twisted and just so unrealistic that it just won’t ever come to fruition.

Yes. It is definitely negative. Yes, it is definitely pessimistic.

But isn’t it realistic also?

I mean, I’ve been in a few relationships and they just don’t work out. Sure relationships end, I understand that, I realize that, but being in it, there were huge parts of me that just wants to pull away because it just feels suffocating and so taxing and just so much work.

It should be easy, right?

This whole falling in love thing, it should be easy.

See, just twisted thoughts on relationships.

But, a part of me know that it is complicated. People are complicated. Relationships are complicated. The heart is very complicated.

But why am I not willing to work for it? Why am I so adverse to making new friends and meeting new people? Why am I just so damn afraid of small talk?

It should be easy, right? Just asking a bunch of random questions, wanting to get to know the person, trying to build a report, trying to build a foundation to something.

It should be easy, but with me, it just never is.

I’m not trained to socialize. I’m not trained to play nice with others. I’m not trained to deal with people.

I’ve been such a loner for so long, this is the norm; being alone. Being around people is alien to me.

I’m 35 and there are times when I just don’t feel ready to do anything.

It seems like all I want to do is just to continue on this trajectory that I am currently on, living on my own, doing my own thing and having these little small connections here and there.

I don’t know.

I guess that is my problem, I just don’t know much of anything.

My world and world view consist of only this small bubble that is within my head, dealing and doing things that only matters to me and to me only.

On a side note, a young couple just walked in that I know have been together for ages, like from back in ’07. They always come into the boba shop and study together and I haven’t seen them in ages. They just came in to get some boba and I’m guessing to study together. It just puts a smile on my face to see that they are still together. It’s nice. It’s cute.

Back on track, back on my mind.

One of the new boba girls is cute. I don’t know what ethnicity she is, but definitely not South East Asian. Definitely young though.

Blah.

Just blah.
* * *

Live life simply.

Just live life simply. Do whatever makes you happy. Your happiness is what matters most, not others.

It isn’t your job to live your life according to someone else’s happiness. All in all, it is just yours that matters.

It is just that simple.

Live life simply.
* * *

I’m too distracted by FIFA. Penalty kicks.

Day over.