I was busy trying to finish my other entry about the trip and never got to the going on in my brain and the happenings with the brain doctor.

I’m fine. I’m okay, but there comes a decision that must be made.

That decisions is if I should adopt/foster children. It came down from my shrink that I should just adopt because it really does seem that I don’t want to be in a relationship.

It’s true. I’m not wired that way. I’m not the lovey dove romantic type that can be with someone.

All of this time I thought I was, but in practice, I don’t think I really am.

But let’s back up. Let’s go back a little bit, just a smidge to my big epiphany as to where this all came from.

It was quite simple actually, the answer there staring me in the face which I just never thought to put together.

Expectations. Approval.

All of these things factor into me being me. And with my father’s passing, I’m stunted. I’m stuck.

I’d always wanted to get my father’s approval and make him proud. Growing up, that was what I needed to do so he doesn’t get angry at me. I wanted to be the dutiful son and just wanted to make him proud.

I was the good boy, always tagging along at my father’s boot heels. Where he went, I wanted to go, whether if it was just the local Home Depot or even grocery shop. I strived to get his approval.

I got good grades. I got into college. I did whatever he wanted, even though there were times I feel like I’m disappointing him but I held the course.

When I moved down to Los Angeles I was jobless. So from our phone calls, he worries about me, wanting me to find something and eventually I did. That was the only thing that he would harp on while I was down here, the job.

Eventually, I did find a job while I was down here. I was fully self-sufficient independent. I paid my own bills, put gas in my car. I was truly on my own. That was the biggest thing that I ever wanted in my life. Just be independent, making my own decisions.

In a way, both my parents groomed me to be that. They instilled in my brother and I that we have to do everything ourselves. Can’t rely on anyone else for anything. The only person you can truly count on is yourself. I took that to heart.

My independence is very important to me.

And I got it. I got my father’s approval. Our talks wasn’t about him being worried about me finding a job, but just talks about what’s happening in our lives. It was great. It was what I always wanted in my relationship with my father.

Now, the only thing he’ll harp on or bring up is the girlfriend situation. He’ll slip in jokes about wives and girlfriends when he can.

For example, I told him I was sick, and he’ll make a point to find a wife so she can make soup for me.

I guess in the natural sort of way, that is the general progression of life. You’re an adult, now it is time to settle down and find a family.

My dad is very old school in a way. Both my parents were.

As I was talking things out with my shrink, it just came to me. Maybe I am this independent because this self-sufficiency that is me was the last thing that I ever gave my father and proved that I was capable of. It was the last thing that he ever approved of.

Maybe that is why I’m holding onto it so strongly. It was the last true thing that I was able to do for him.

As for the girlfriend, why even try? I won’t ever get is approval as to who I choose. He’ll never be able to see her. I’ll never get his approval as to whether he’ll like my girlfriend or not.

So why even try.

Maybe it’ll just be a reminder that I’ll never get is approval anymore, so stick to the thing that made him proud. My independence.

I know everyone says that he’s proud of me and that all he would want is to see me happy. I agree. I really do believe that my father and any father or parent just want to see that their child is happy.

I think he’s proud of me, but there’s a part of me that desperately needs that affirmation from him directly.

There will always be that part of me that doubts if he’ll approve since he’s no longer here. Even if I do find a beautiful girlfriend that I am just madly and deeply in love with and I am truly happy with, there’s still going to be that kernel of doubt there, deep inside.

I’ll never get to know if he’ll be proud of her. I’ll never get to know if he approves of her.

So why even try.

Why?

I’m stuck. I’m stunted. I can’t get pass this.

I see it. I understand it. I acknowledge this problem that I have and knowing is a part of the solution, but I don’t see a solution.

I just have to have faith I guess. Just have faith that my dad approves of everything I do that makes me happy.

Just have my mom’s approval be enough.

Just, hopefully.
* * *

So this brings us back to the beginning, my singledom.

My shrink just said up said, “I don’t think you want to be in a relationship, and you want kids. I think it is time you think about adoption.”

And I think she may be right.

I think for the most part that’ll be the only way that I’ll ever get to be the father that I’ve always wanted to become.

It’s a big decision. It’s big.

In a way, it is exciting, as my shrink says, but it is also scary.

Am I ready for it?

Am I?

I don’t know.

It takes a few years to get a kid, depending on which route I go; international adoption, adoption agencies, surrogacies, fostering.

So many options with so many pros and cons.

All I know is that it is going to be expensive. It’s going to be a lot.

I need to really think it through and really think what exactly it is that I want.

Once I commit to it, if I ever get a child, there’s no giving it back. None.

I have to take it and care for it and be there for the kid who isn’t my blood.

Am I capable of that? Is my heart that open?

Do I have the patience?

It scares me.

Maybe I am overthinking it, but it definitely scares me that I can’t handle it and I’ll get stuck in something that I can’t handle and then I’m stuck.

I just really need to take some time and seriously think things through until I’m comfortable to make a decision.

There is definitely a lot to consider. A lot.

Right now, if I really think about it, I’m not fiscally ready.

I just don’t make enough.

I have to make that consideration, but it shouldn’t stop me.

Just a lot to think about.

I really need to think about it.

I asked a couple of cousins and they were both supportive about it. So, in a way, this decision that I’m toying with is out there to family. It’s out there in the universe. I have to really think it through now.

I know deep inside my mom wouldn’t like the idea of me adopting someone. She wants me to have a child of my own; blood is important.

I have to be okay with my mom not be okay with it.

Can I?

Can I be okay with my mom not loving this adopted/fostered kid of mine not be mine?

I would like to think that I can, that I don’t care. The kid is mine and she’ll come around. I’ve made that commitment and she should be supportive. But I don’t know.

But then at least she’ll be there and I can see if she’ll be supportive or not and then I’ll have to make a decision.

This decision will definitely cause ripples in this deep ocean that is my life and maybe some family who aren’t so understanding.
* * *

I’m just not wired to be in a relationship. It’s really difficult for me to be in one.

Maybe I just haven’t found the one, that is true, but I don’t know. It’s going to be a lot of work that I don’t think I am capable of.

I just don’t know how to be in one. I don’t know how to be considerate. I’m not romantic, and in a way, I guess I’m just not really thoughtful.

I’m very selfish.

I don’t have much of the qualities that would make a great or even a good partner.

I have the qualities that makes me an okay person, but that can’t transfer over to being someone’s partner for life.

One of my life mottos is to never stop growing, never stop learning, and never stop being the best version of yourself.

Looking at my life, I’ve come a long long way from when I first started, but I really do have a very long way to go.

Patience.

My impatience will definitely be the death of me. This hamartia of mine.

And in a way, it is this hamartia which makes me reconsider this whole fatherhood thing.

Do I have the patience for it?

I honestly don’t know.

Even my pets definitely test my patience.

But we will definitely see.

We will see.