Endings.

Endings leads to new beginnings; a clean slate, just slightly tainted.

Endings.

The constant nagging that I had won over and I just had to do it. Milpitas is over.

In a way, looking back, I guess it has been over for a while. I was just trying to hold out a little longer just hoping that somehow that I might change my mind, that I might be able to throw away whatever excuse I was giving myself as to why it wasn’t working and come to realize that hey, this isn’t bad.

But I was wrong.

It didn’t wrong.

My gut was right again. It just didn’t work out.

I wasn’t in it.

My interest just faded away like the early mists of the morning, burned into little wisps of vapor. Vanish.

Gone.

Was I ever in it?

Maybe it was the restriction. Maybe it was just the being in the relationship with our labels that put the final nail in the coffin.

I wasn’t able to really feel things out. I wasn’t really there.

Unfortunately, I took her by surprise.

Shocked as to what was happening; not understanding my reasons.

She didn’t do anything wrong.

I was the one at fault.

I didn’t see it going anywhere.

My heart wasn’t in it when it should.

That was the problem.

I just lost interest.

Resulting in me hurting her.

That’s the last thing that I wanted to do to anyone, but I guess it comes with being in a relationship.

It ending.

* * *

Time.

It continues to go, ticking on.

Nothing can stop it. Not death, nor the end of the world.

As we get older, time become more valuable because we just have less time left.

With such a diminishing and valuable commodity, why waste it? Why?

It’s not just that you are wasting yours, you have to be conscious that you are wasting others also.

That is also equally if not more important.

Hopefully in the end of everything, after some valuable time has passed, you will understand. I hope that we will understand that it was the best thing.

Hopefully.

* * *

Leaving…leaving on a jet plane.

Maybe it was better this way instead of waiting another two weeks to decide and mull things over on something that I was pretty sure to begin with.

Maybe this was better for her; the time away to think things over and to accept things.

Maybe it was just better.

Maybe.

I’ll be away on my adventures and I will not be stressing over a decision that I have already made and she’ll not have to ponder and wonder if I miss her.

Maybe it was best.

Maybe.

Time.

It can do wonders, if we all use it well.

Time.

It can kill us, if we don’t know how to use it.

Time.

It’s a bitch.

Time.

And we’re a bitch to it.

* * *

It’s not you. It’s me.

Maybe I just can’t be in a relationship.

I’m not equipped to be in one. I don’t know how to be in one.

It shouldn’t be this hard.

I just kept feeling that there should have been something more. It was off.

I shouldn’t be having these feelings.

There has to be something more, right?

That’s not normal.

But then again, I don’t know what normal is.

I never been in a relationship long enough to know how one should really feel.

Everyone I have been in, I needed to leave because it just didn’t feel right.

It didn’t feel like I wanted to be in there.

Maybe it is me.

I’m damaged.

These goods are broken from the start.

It’s really not worth investing in. No money. No time.

Broken.

Damaged goods.

* * *

I feel heavy.

My heart, drowning in weight.

It hangs with what I have done.

When will it be lifted? When will this weight be gone?

I don’t know.

It’s never easy.

I can never come out of this unscathed.

Everyone gets hurt, even if it is me doing it.

It’s never easy.

* * *

In the end, I just hope she understands.

In the end, she didn’t do anything wrong.

In the end, it was me.