It’s been almost a month since my last entry.

It’s been almost a year since my last another year older, another year wiser diatribes.

It’s less than a week before I turn another number.

35.

Mid-thirties. I’ll be in the thick of it soon. Just about a week. Just counting down the days.

Have I learned anything? Have I gotten wiser?

I don’t know. I think I need to go back and see what transpired in this past number and see if it was a growing year.

For the most part, I’ve made a lot of progress. But I don’t know. These thoughts will come at another time, another day….in about a week.

* * *

What to write, what to say?

Chicago.

My Beloved.

My love, my life….the city of love at first sight.

The work trip was stressful, very stressful and frustrating at times, but in the end, we got things done. We got what we needed to do finished.

But, it was another mesmerizing experience in that city. There’s just something about that city. There’s just something magical that makes me fall head over heels in love with it every damn time I go there.

I don’t know what it is, but it is definitely a city for me.

The walking. The transportation. The people, and oh my fucking lord, the sights, the architecture, and the food.

Love. Love. Love.

If Chicago was a girl, I would have wooed and married her right then and there.

As I recounted what went down on the trip and my frustrations to my shrink and then discussed the magic that is the city and told her that I want to move there; she said, “Why not?”

Why not, indeed.

There’s just a lot of things to consider. There’s just quite a bit of things to think about when it comes to a move like this.

Family. Cold. Relocation. Job. Friends.

Just a lot.

But, it is seriously in the back of my mind. Even if I move there for a few years and then move back here. I don’t know, but yes, definitely. It is definitely something that I need to seriously think about.

Chicago.

My Beloved.

Something to seriously consider.

* * *

Change.

Midlife.

Is it still there?

Am I more confused than ever?

I know there are some remnants of what I want to do, but is that unfocused energy, that deathly urge to change, is that still there?

I don’t know.

It is definitely not as strong as it was, but I think ultimately, it is still there.

Maybe this is another conversation to table for another day?

Maybe.

I don’t know. But it seems like some of the pressure I was putting on myself was relieved, but there are still some things that are floating that is gently nudging me in its own way.

Basically, I’m just a confused mess.

Still confused as ever.

* * *

Starting again, starting new.

Cold. Cold cold shivers run through my body as the slight cool breeze of the AC blows ever so gently out the ceiling vent.

The cool air drops heavy in its mass and mixes in with the warm air that my body latches on to for dear life. Cold cold shivers run through my body.

Cold.

Another one on this last day of rest. Another shivering of body feeling ugh as I try to get better from the battle that I lost last week.

It seems that getting older is wreaking havoc on my immune system. No longer strong enough, or young enough to battle the young and tireless germs that are floating around in the unsanitary air.

These tried and true veterans are slowly losing this new battle. Our numbers are dwindling and the fight looks dire.

It could be worse, much worse, but I just need to rest up a little bit more and let them fight their final fight. Maybe they’ll come out of it as victors, restoring my health to what it once was.

Oh, to be young again. Oh, to be young.

* * *

Cold cold cold.

The old man in me thinks things over. It rolls all thoughts around and around, hoping that it can come up with something reasonable. It hope that something makes sense, but everything is just off. Just a little bit.

Things are just off.

Off.

Turning off my brain, turning off my head. Just are things going to work? How are things supposed to just be compatible when my thoughts are with someone else, lusting over them, thinking about them?

How?

How are things supposed to be?

* * *