Transition.
Life is about transitioning from one time to another. Each minute is a transition. Each day, month, year. Little moments transitioning into the next.
It is that time again. I’m another year older, another year wiser. Another year. Another number.
35
I’m 35.
I’m in the thick of it; the thick of my 30s and I’m still in this pseudo part of my life where I just can’t focus or put things together. I’m still in my MLC (mid-life crisis).
Or should I just knock this down to my 1/3-Life-Crisis? Either way, I’m still in it.
I’m still trying to figure things out. It’s been a slow process and I don’t see an end in sight.
35.
Another year older. Another year wiser.
Did I get wiser? Was this past number a growing number?
Looking back, in a way, I still don’t know. I don’t know what it was.
* * *
Did I become a better person, a growing person in the past number?
Many would say that I have, and many would say no, and others, just don’t know.
I seriously don’t know.
* * *
Another day, another time, but the same ol’.
Another year, another number.
35.
Growth.
It’s a subjective matter, defined in many ways.
For me, as long as I make some movement in the right direction, in getting a better grasp of who I am, of being a better person, which is the right direction for me.
Have I accomplished that in the past year? The year of being 34?
The jury is still out.
I would like to think that I have grown up a little bit more, have a better understanding of my self-worth and what I can or cannot do.
I would like to believe that and in a way I do.
Even though I am in the middle of this crisis, I made a grown up decision to seek out professional help to assist me in talking through these thoughts and troubles that I have.
I never really understood how much of a control issue that I have. It seems to me that I am a control freak. I never thought that I would, but it is true.
Control. I hate it when I don’t have control over situation.
It’s funny in way because on the bigger scale of things, I’m fine with not having control over and I usually don’t sweat it. But there are some moments when it just drives me crazy, like when Hien tweaked his knee at Glacier national Park. It irked me that he was going so slow…beyond my control.
The little things that you learn about yourself that you never think about until you talk about it.
* * *
Life in the year of 34 was really no different than any other year in my thirties.
I lived my life the way I wanted to live it. On my terms and on my rules.
I go out whenever I want. I traveled whenever and where I wanted. I saw and hung out with whoever I wanted.
I even took a few risks that I never thought I would have done.
So yes, it was a growing year. It was a progressive year in getting myself better and getting to the finer me.
It just took baby steps.
* * *
It was also a year of questionable decisions.
I’ve made a lot of choices this past number that many didn’t understand, but I didn’t care.
My hair. I made the decision to grow it out and eventually to donate it early on during the number. It finally came to an end yesterday, as I shaved it off.
But during that time, I wore my hair however I wanted. Down or up. Tied back in pig tails or pony tails or just any which way I can get my hair out of my face.
Sure it looked ridiculous and many people questioned my motives and wanted me to just cut it, but I held strong.
I didn’t give a fuck what other people thought. I stuck with it, as a challenge to myself to see if I can do it.
I can, and in the end, it wasn’t as bad as I initially thought.
I grew out my hair. I did it.
I didn’t give up.
I’m sure that had a lot to do with it also. It was a test, something to focus on, to accomplish, and to see if I can because it felt with this mid-life-crisis that I wasn’t fully committing to finishing anything.
But, in the end, I was able to. I stopped a few months shorter than I expected, but it came close to my goal and it worked.
I had enough hair to donate. I did well.
* * *
Change.
34.
Each year comes with its own little quirks and its own little changes and corrections.
And last year was no different.
With the new number came the need to dress differently and I did manage that. I didn’t wear any of my t-shirts last year, but have adopted a hoodie instead or just an undershirt.
There will be times when I dressed more adult, with my button ups and my tighter pants, a hipster as some would put it.
But I didn’t care. It was a change. It was a new me, a different me, a more grown up me.
I’m not totally there yet, but baby steps.
* * *
Socializing is becoming easier and easier.
Lunches and dinners.
Hanging out and eventually trying something else, as in dating and trying to put myself out there.
It’s not perfect nor did it work, but I tried. I made a small effort.
Much of it was at the urging of my shrink, but yes, I did make an effort.
I went out on a few dates, dates that I would never thought I would ever go out on.
It was different, but not really. It gets easier, but it still wasn’t the best.
I just think that online dating just isn’t my thing.
I work better with friends, acquaintances I know and have gotten to know and would like to get better.
That’s how things evolve for me and in a way, that’s how I ended up with Milpitas.
Baby steps.
Slow and stead of just trying to find what is right.
Slow and steady.
One step at a time.
One day at a time.
One moment at a time.
* * *
Growth.
It’s a gradual thing.
As I get older, the slow is slow and gradual and not the extreme up tick that it once was.
Slowly and slow I get a better grasp of who I am, of what I want. Slow and slow.
Slow.
Hopefully maybe, eventually I’ll actually know what I want out of things, of life, of people, of situations, of my future.
Right now, I’m just riding the roller coaster of time, taking whatever comes my way and just picking up whatever I can about myself along the way.
It’s slow and arduous.
It’s random, with a steadiness.
It just is.
Baby steps.
Slow.
* * *
Life is getting easier.
As my problems get smaller and smaller, there are still some big issues that I need to consider.
34 has been a year of contemplation and figuring out those big problems.
Mid-Life-Crisis.
MLC.
Change.
The urge is not pressing down on me where I feel lost anymore.
Maybe my shrink is right and I’m being distracted by the bigger picture.
There was no clear solution to the problem that I have.
The only thing we did was just talk.
No solution.
Maybe I’m just slowly internalizing everything and thinking things over and over so I can come up with a solution on my own.
Will I be successful and see an end to this crisis?
Will 35 be my year of resolution?
I don’t know.
I can only hope.
Hope.
* * *
34.
Focus.
It’s still not there.
It’s still not perfect.
It’s my quiet thoughts in a large and crowded room where I’m screaming to hear myself think.
But it is progress.
I did put myself in situations where I normally wouldn’t be in.
Going out to the cool hip bars, with people I generally wouldn’t hang out with.
But yes, all in all, this lack of focus is still a problem as one can tell from this entry.
It hasn’t gone so well in collecting my thoughts.
It’s all over the place like my mind, like my thoughts, like this crisis.
I just need to find the right balance of forward thinking and backward introspection.
A balance of life.
I just need to find the balance of now.
Now.
34.
Now.
35.
* * *
Change.
It is happening.
Growth.
It is happening.
34.
It’s about the baby steps.
Small growth.
A little bit at a time.
Just small adjustments and corrections.
That’s what I can say about my 34th year.
It was a year of small corrections and adjustments.
It was a year of baby steps.
It was a year of transition.
Will this transition finally end this year?
Only time will tell.
So, here I am, bidding adieu and saying goodbye to 34.
Thank you for the small adjustments. Thank you for the little changes, the baby steps.
Thank you for the memories and the growing joys and pains.
Goodbye 34.
Welcome 35.
I hope that it brings on more changes and challenges.
Here’s to growth and the right direction.
35…bring it.
Mumblings of a Hermit 隐者 