Do I ever get lonely?

No.

Why do you want to be with someone if you think of it as a ball and chain and that you need so much alone time?

The battle of my two sides. I can’t reconcile them. I need to find a happy balance and I can’t see it.

* * *

It was actually a taxing day at the shrink today. It’s like she doesn’t understand what it’s like being an introvert and why small talk is so tough and so taxing.

Maybe I am just extremely sensitive to it and my aversion to it is just so bad, that I really can’t do it. It’s tough.

With these meetings and groups, I need to go in with a positive attitude.

I’m letting my fear of it get to me.

I see her point and yes, she is right.

She is right, but I still don’t get it.

Small talk.

I hate it.

It just doesn’t work for me.

Fuck.

I need to change. I need to make this happen.

I just need to figure out what I want.

* * *

What else is going on in my head?

What other judgments am I passing or thinking about when I’m trying to get to know these people?

What else is happening?

There has to be something, right?

Why is it easier for me to talk to a three year old than it is for me to talk to an adult?

Am I letting my insecurities get the best of me? What are my insecurities when I’m talking with people?

Is it because I don’t know what I’m doing when I’m socializing and that I worry that I’m boring or that they don’t find me interesting?

Is that it?

I need to change the way I think. I need to change the pressure I put on myself in these type of situations.

I need to change the way I see these things.

A different mindset.

Instead of going there to meet new people, I need to find a different purpose.

To have fun.

I need to go and have fun.

Change the mindset, change the outcome.

Change.

* * *

Troubling.

It just seems very troubling for me that I don’t know what it is that I want.

I have always been of two sides.

I have always been of two minds.

How to find the reconciliation?

How?

* * *

Take drastic action.

Make drastic changes.

Force.

My midlife continues.

* * *

Ice breakers.

Questions.

Prompts for small talk.

I need to get better.

* * *