Decompressing.

Relaxing.

Getting away from people, getting away from interacting, socializing.

Getting away.

Here I am again, my constant constant while I’m up here in the great PNW, my own little sanctuary, jotting down my thoughts.

My own fortress of solitude; it’s my own little place.

But if I think about it, any place where I can set up a laptop and just do my finger tapping would be my own little place.

I don’t require much.

* * *

Family.

Lots of family. Lots of family time and with it comes the little cracks of what family is. I see the little annoyances the little things that just makes me want to get away again.

Family on small doses. Family in little spurts.

But it really does seem that this year has been a lot about family.

Next year seems to be shaping up to be the same. Two trips already planned.

And that will leave me with about two weeks of vacation left. What will I do?

Should I just go all out and take it all that year or should I save it?

It all depends on what I feel about the job and right now, I don’t care. It’s a job. I’ve always felt that way.

It’s a job.

We will see and play it by ear.

* * *

Lost in thought.

Lost in these waves of memories and fantasies.

That is life, dreaming away like Walter Mitty.

I’m trying to compensate for the lack of awesomeness with my day mind flickers to something more, to something ideal, to something that is worthy of someone that has nothing going on.

I am a man lost in Neverland, not knowing how to escape.

* * *

Escaping Neverland.

I am a man who has Peter Pan syndrome. All I want to do is play, but play my own way and not have to deal with anything else.

No responsibilities. No stress. No drama.

All day, all games.

Am I tired of living this life?

It seems that I am. It seems that there is a part of me that feels that I need to leave this playground wonderland. There’s a part of me that is pushing me to grow up and the kid in me is pushing back.

He refuses. He slaps the other half and goes nah nah nana and blow it a raspberry.

Is there a good middle ground?

Do I have to give up this independence of mine, this little freedom and these little games that I play? Do I have to give up on my life so I can just grow up and be a little more responsible?

Do I?

That is the question, isn’t it?

Is this pressure self-inflicted or is it more of a societal journey that I am following? I don’t know. I’m not a planner. I’m a let’s wing it and see what happens? Here is the game plan, let’s just walk this way and see what comes up.

I’ve never been, hey, I need to do this when I’m this age. Oh, I’m this age, which means it is time for me to be here and here in my life.

I’ve never really been that, but lately, those thoughts are creeping in my head. Sure there are external factors, like my mom and family who follow those societal guidelines and rules and where I look at them as just steps that you either follow or don’t.

I’ve always been the one making my own rules in life, or at least when I became an adult, living on my own, paying my own way.

Neverland.

Peter Pan.

Maybe it is time for my Wendy to come along.

I’m 34 and quickly approaching 35 and what am I caving to?

Pressure. Familial pressure. My own pressure.

Just pressure.

I’m 34 and in a way, I still don’t know what I want.

That’s mainly the problem. There’s no clear focus on how my life will be.

I can see me being happy in both lights; me being alone and living my life the way I want to live it, and the other with me being married with kids.

I just don’t know much of anything at all.

I’m 34. Shouldn’t I have this kind of shit figure out?

I know there are a lot of people worse than I am, a lot not together than I am, but…shouldn’t I have my shit together now?

Am I not fixed?

Am I not better?

I think I am, but in a way, it doesn’t feel like it. Like, I’m a 34 year old who is just dicking around with his life, doing nothing substantial.

Nothing at all.

All that I can say that I am a 34 year old who is living his life how he chooses.

Isn’t that enough?

Why is there this need to find companionship?

Why?

Why, indeed.

Maybe I’ll have it figured out in the next few months, or maybe even year.

I know I definitely don’t have the answers, but I have help. Professional help to help bounce ideas off of and to talk things out.

Hopefully.