It’s that time of the year again. That time of the year where things wind down, the hollies and the trees are up and people are in a festive mood.

It is that time of the year where I tend to be more solitary, more of a home body.

It is getting cold outside and people are out and about doing their Christmas shopping. The parking. The rush of people. That time of the year where I just disappear into my hole and comfort myself with a good book or a show or even a movie.

It is that time of the year again where I will get reflective of the year that is coming to an end. It is that time of the year when I wish everyone a Bah Humbug.

It is about that time.

A few more weeks and I’ll be separated from my furkid and I’ll be on a plane and be reunited with my family.

If I think about my year, it is hard to qualify how it was.

I just don’t know anymore.

It’s like my foundation has been shaken and I am coming to terms to things that I am doing wrong or things that I just understand.

I just know that there is a change.

It is a transitional year. I’ll be 35 next year. What does that mean?

To be 35. Is there certain rules that come with that age? How should one act? How should one think? How far in life should they be?

There is a timeline and I don’t know what my timeline is. I’m making it up as I go.

Nothing is solid. The future is unclear.

Try again. Answer foggy.

It is that time again and I am unsure about everything in my life.

* * *

Unsteady. Unsure.

I’m not sure what to do in terms of my activity on Match. I know I am definitely not on it or as active on it as I should be.

It was an assignment by my shrink. It’ll get me out of my house. It’ll get me to meet people.

Is that what I need though? Is that the thing that will make me get out of this little rut I am in? To meet someone?

I don’t know. I really don’t.

I have voiced my concerns when it comes to internet dating with my therapist, but she still tells me to stick with it.

Maybe I’m just being very closed minded about it, but it just doesn’t feel natural. It just doesn’t.

Maybe I’m too much of a romantic and I have all of these romantic ideals of how things should be and internet dating doesn’t fit into that mold.

I don’t know.

I just know that I need to get on it. I know I need to be more active. Hit up girls. Email girls.

Hope for a response.

Maybe today. Maybe tomorrow.

We will see.

* * *

How long is this going to last?

The New Year is fast approaching. Will it be a brand new start or has it already begun and it is too slow to notice?

I don’t know much anymore. Things have become too complicated for my simple mind.

This is definitely an end of an era and a transition to a new one. It definitely have that feel.

It has come to a time in my life where I can’t help myself anymore. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I actually asked for help. Professional help.

This is too much for me. This…this-ness of not knowing what is wrong with me. This…this-ness of change or evolution.

It has come to a time.

Phase to phase. Time to time. I shed a new shell and be a new person. A different person. One that is the same, but also not, a new regeneration.

It is that time.

It is that time to regenerate…to a new Doctor.

Maybe that is why I am so fixated on Doctor Who lately. It is just that time in my life to regenerate.

I wonder what number Doctor this new one is. What Doctor am I?

* * *

Maybe it is time for me to find my companion with this new Doctor that I am going to be.

Maybe this is the root of everything, but I know better.

The root is not that. It’s not that I am lonely. It is definitely something else.

It isn’t that.

Maybe it is this fear of losing my independence. It is really important to me. More important than finding someone.

It is this fear of loss. It is more important than being in a relationship.

Maybe I am just meant to be alone.

You think?

I’ll watch videos of people taking journeys and their sojourns, walking through countries by themselves and that seems so perfect to me. A wanderlust walking the world.

There’s a romance to that.

Maybe I am meant to be this lost wanderer.

The lost wanderer.