…I want you to stay

It’s my last day here.

It’s the perfect gloomy PNW morning. A low lying fog just hangs ever so quietly as people go about their business.

I sit at my new but not new usual, doing what it is that I do.

It is my last day here and I honestly can’t wait.

I know it is bad of me, but one week is just enough. One week is just enough of the family time, especially when it is during the winter because I’m usually stuck at home, not exploring, not doing anything but just hanging by my mom, who is usually down stairs and not in any vicinity of where I am.

It is time for me to go; to go back to the sunny seaside home that I am use to; to be reunited with my soul mate and receive his waggy tail cold shoulders.

It is time for me to bid adieu to the PNW for a much much longer time.

If things pan out next year as they are planned, then I don’t know when the next time I’ll be up here will be. Maybe a few days?

Would there even be a Boy and his Dog 2014?

Time.

Time is a fickle thing. Always constant, but always changing. You have so much of it, but so little. A living contradiction, a living dichotomy.

Time is like me.

* * *

Changes.

There definitely will be a lot of changes that are coming up in 2014.

I believe there will be a new furkid, a new tiny member of the family, a tiny kitty.

It’ll be a new responsibility, a new challenge, something different.

I think those are the things that I’m looking for, these little new things, new challenges, to help me through this MLC of mine.

I hope things will work out well. I hope that Pickles would like the new addition. I hope.

I hope for a lot of things, just hoping that things end up in some manageable form.

Hopefully.

* * *

I want to see you be brave.

Be brave.

Be fierce.

Be fearless.

Just act.

Just do.

It is the time to just do. You are not getting any younger. You are slowly and slowly working on yourself. You’ve been working for quite a long time now and you clearly see the results.

You look in the mirror and see a familiar face looking back at you and you like what you see.

You see all of his faults, but you also see the good that is in him. You study his face and see the resemblances of your father. His nose. His brow. His scowl.

You see him. He was a good man, but with faults and demons of his own.

You know that you will want to be the best of him, not the worst of him. You know that you want to be the best person that you can be.

Be the best.

It is time that you move past your creature comforts. It is time that you move past your irrational fears. It is time to just be the man with the quiet confidence.

It is time.

It is definitely time for the change and time for a reformation, an evolution, a regeneration.

It is time.

Let the Doctor show you the way.

Be a new you. But BE a BETTER YOU.

It is time for that change. It is time.

Time.

* * *

Come morning light, you and I will be safe and sound.

Tomorrow will always be another day.

Try. Try again.

If you fail, there’s always tomorrow for you to try again.

Try until you get it right.

Try until you nail it.

Try.

The keyword is try.

You won’t know whether you can or cannot do it unless you try.

So, shut up and just try.

You know this. You know all of these things and bad fortune cookie blurbs.

Time to do it. Time to do it.

* * *

Decompressing.

Relaxing.

Getting away from people, getting away from interacting, socializing.

Getting away.

Here I am again, my constant constant while I’m up here in the great PNW, my own little sanctuary, jotting down my thoughts.

My own fortress of solitude; it’s my own little place.

But if I think about it, any place where I can set up a laptop and just do my finger tapping would be my own little place.

I don’t require much.

* * *

Family.

Lots of family. Lots of family time and with it comes the little cracks of what family is. I see the little annoyances the little things that just makes me want to get away again.

Family on small doses. Family in little spurts.

But it really does seem that this year has been a lot about family.

Next year seems to be shaping up to be the same. Two trips already planned.

And that will leave me with about two weeks of vacation left. What will I do?

Should I just go all out and take it all that year or should I save it?

It all depends on what I feel about the job and right now, I don’t care. It’s a job. I’ve always felt that way.

It’s a job.

We will see and play it by ear.

* * *

Lost in thought.

Lost in these waves of memories and fantasies.

That is life, dreaming away like Walter Mitty.

I’m trying to compensate for the lack of awesomeness with my day mind flickers to something more, to something ideal, to something that is worthy of someone that has nothing going on.

I am a man lost in Neverland, not knowing how to escape.

* * *

Escaping Neverland.

I am a man who has Peter Pan syndrome. All I want to do is play, but play my own way and not have to deal with anything else.

No responsibilities. No stress. No drama.

All day, all games.

Am I tired of living this life?

It seems that I am. It seems that there is a part of me that feels that I need to leave this playground wonderland. There’s a part of me that is pushing me to grow up and the kid in me is pushing back.

He refuses. He slaps the other half and goes nah nah nana and blow it a raspberry.

Is there a good middle ground?

Do I have to give up this independence of mine, this little freedom and these little games that I play? Do I have to give up on my life so I can just grow up and be a little more responsible?

Do I?

That is the question, isn’t it?

Is this pressure self-inflicted or is it more of a societal journey that I am following? I don’t know. I’m not a planner. I’m a let’s wing it and see what happens? Here is the game plan, let’s just walk this way and see what comes up.

I’ve never been, hey, I need to do this when I’m this age. Oh, I’m this age, which means it is time for me to be here and here in my life.

I’ve never really been that, but lately, those thoughts are creeping in my head. Sure there are external factors, like my mom and family who follow those societal guidelines and rules and where I look at them as just steps that you either follow or don’t.

I’ve always been the one making my own rules in life, or at least when I became an adult, living on my own, paying my own way.

Neverland.

Peter Pan.

Maybe it is time for my Wendy to come along.

I’m 34 and quickly approaching 35 and what am I caving to?

Pressure. Familial pressure. My own pressure.

Just pressure.

I’m 34 and in a way, I still don’t know what I want.

That’s mainly the problem. There’s no clear focus on how my life will be.

I can see me being happy in both lights; me being alone and living my life the way I want to live it, and the other with me being married with kids.

I just don’t know much of anything at all.

I’m 34. Shouldn’t I have this kind of shit figure out?

I know there are a lot of people worse than I am, a lot not together than I am, but…shouldn’t I have my shit together now?

Am I not fixed?

Am I not better?

I think I am, but in a way, it doesn’t feel like it. Like, I’m a 34 year old who is just dicking around with his life, doing nothing substantial.

Nothing at all.

All that I can say that I am a 34 year old who is living his life how he chooses.

Isn’t that enough?

Why is there this need to find companionship?

Why?

Why, indeed.

Maybe I’ll have it figured out in the next few months, or maybe even year.

I know I definitely don’t have the answers, but I have help. Professional help to help bounce ideas off of and to talk things out.

Hopefully.

Here to write.

Here to ramble.

Here to just get out of the house and get some alone time.

I’m just here ’cause there’s no other place I got to be, so I’m just taking my time and just doing what I do best, waste time.

I don’t know if there will be much for me to talk about or say today.

I’ve said quite a bit for the past couple of days. I’ve said quite a bit.

But here goes. Let’s hope for the best, shall we?

* * *

Life.

Is there a glimmer ahead?

That’s what it feels like. That’s what it seems.

That I can see some sort of hope for me. There is help, but there is direction and apparently, there is change.

I’m aware. I’m am cognizant about my actions. I’m full conscious about the things that I am lacking as a person and that I need to work on.

I am fully aware.

Maybe there will be hope.

Maybe there will be something that I look into the mirror and be proud of.

The man that I know that I can be.

It’s a work in progress. It’s a daily battle to be a better person.

It seems sometimes, with all of the shit that goes on here in this little private void of mine, that I should consider renaming this Work in Progress.

It’s hard work man. Hard work.

* * *

Rachel sits at the other end of the coffee shop. Her face and her focus on the laptop screen in front of her.

I wonder what she is looking at. Is about the assignment that is due in the coming New Year? Is it the letter that she’s writing to her boyfriend that is overseas?

I wonder.

The crackling fire in the fake fireplace rumbles on, taking in the oxygen in the room, growing stronger and steady with each breath. It blares the heat out onto us, but for some strange reason, there’s a bone tingling chill in the air.

The distance between us is icy with no hope of warming up.

We both sit in our respective places, both aware of each other, but I can tell that we both are interested in what the other is doing.

I’ll catch her stealing looks my way and she’ll see me glancing her way, trying to figure out what she’s doing.

Currently, we are both playing it cool. I’m focused on this little story, and she on her letter to her soon-to-be Ex-Boyfriend overseas,

The coffee swirler stands between us, perfecting her coffee. One, two, three little packets of sugar. Swirl, sip. A dash of cinnamon, swirl, sip. Perfect.

She gave us a reprieve on this cold shoulder unacknowledgment between the two of us.

We are alone again,

The only sounds are the tapping of my keys and the fan of the heating system and the faint voices from the News that is on the TV.

It’s over. The battle is lost as we are both formidable people of not acting.

Well, maybe she’s playing the old fashion game waiting for the man, me, to make the move as she waits on pins and needles hoping and hoping. It’s all up to me.

She wants me to be the reason that her soon-to-be Ex is an Ex and not a still.

Will I act? Will I do it?

Probably not.

Why?

As I said before in maybe an earlier post, hopefully in an earlier post, maybe in an earlier post, but definitely to my shrink, I think it is rude to interrupt someone who is clearly occupied working at a coffee shop.

Rude.

I’m not rude.

I don’t want to be rude.

I want to play nice today.

I don’t want to be a hypocrite.

There.

Is that answer enough?

Fine.

Moving on.

As I sit here looking up Faye Wong’s Fragile Woman, I wonder if Rachel is one.

She seems strong, bold as she sits there alone, enjoying her little muffin or her pastry, writing her little break up letter to her overseas gentleman caller.

But would that be evidence of a strong woman? Wouldn’t she be stronger if she actually called him instead to break up with him or wait until he comes back?

Maybe he has some scruples and think that she can’t wait, ’cause he’s there for another year and she can’t do it now. She has to end it and so, the email is the best.

Maybe it’s not an email per se, but like a written script or a speech on what she needs to say. That would be indicative of a strong woman.

I like that version better.

Rachel, the strong woman. Waiting to break up with her boyfriend.

He’s been gone too long. She hasn’t heard anything from him in a while. It’s not like he’s off at war or something, no, he’s off in a business trip in Tokyo.

It’s been four months and he hasn’t heard from him yet. Not one iota. Her emails go unanswered. Calls were picked up and rushed. Texts are just one word exchanges.

Something is amiss and she can’t do this anymore.

It is time and she finally found the reason.

Me.

I am the reason for her breakup. I am the straw that broke the relationships back. Me.

I’m being used.

I don’t know how I feel about that.

She’s on the phone. Maybe it is time that she called, after she sees that I’m stealing glances at her. She’s about to make her move, so she’s calling so she doesn’t have this guilt resting on her chest

Rachel is doing the break up now and it seems she’s handling it well.

She’s a strong woman.

But the convo seems to be lasting a lot longer than it should. Your smiles betray your intentions. Is he worming his way back into your heart?

Are you getting that he’s busy and he’s finally got a chance to breathe because you are forcing it on him?

What is it Rachel? What are you going to do?

And then, I see the ring.

I tap out. I can’t be the reason to break up a marriage. I have to remove myself from the equation.

I need to go.

Here I am again in the PNW during that dreaded time of year where I’m just the grinchy Grinch doing my little yearly diatribe. This is the third time that I have been up here this year alone. I think that in itself is a record.

This is the “new” spot, which really isn’t the new spot at all, but the same ol’ Tolino’s rebranded.

Asensio is the new name of the coffee shop that I frequent to do my little routine. I was actually here pre re-christening back in August. They have come a long way in terms of getting things set up.

So here it is, here I am, that time of the year again for my yearly Bah Humbug to you all.

I’ve been going through my past entries yesterday, which I normally do to reflect on how much I have grown or to see if I have notice anything that strikes out, especially of this MLC of mine and it seemed that it reared its ugly head back around 2011.

I really noticed it around my another year older, another year wiser entry of 2011. This midlife crisis. This ongoing midlife crisis.

It seemed that I did write down some of the changes that I feel that I need to do way back around the same time last year, but how much have I done? How much indeed?

So, without further fanfare, 2013, I bid you adieu.

* * *

2013.

What can I say about it?

Like any year, there were its ups and there were its downs. It wouldn’t be life without that precarious balance.

But leading off, most definitely, the most defining moment of this year is this MLC of mine. I’m in it. I’m fully aware of it. I have this urgent need to make a change. It isn’t an urgent need. No, it’s more.

It’s a burning plague that will suffocate any life that I have grown to love if I don’t make these changes. It’s very dramatic, I know, but that’s how it feels like.

I’m stuck.

2013. The year of stuck. The year of rutting. The year of what the fuck do I do?

This uncertainty is unnerving. This uncertainty on how to change is frustratining.

We all know how well I don’t deal with things that I don’t understand.

This midlife crisis, I don’t understand it. Well, in a way, I do. I do need to change. I’m 34, not getting older, and it is time that I do make changes in my life and maybe become the adult and make some big life choices.

Just maybe.

It has gotten to the point where I have seek professional help.

We’ve uncovered things that I have already known. My father issues. The fear of loss. The fear of abandonment. The losing of control. My desperate need for independence and the fear of losing it if I get into a relationship. All irrational.

Hopefully things will change, as these issues become more of the forefront in my mind as I discuss them with my therapist.

Maybe. Hopefully.

* * *

Looking back, the year seems so long ago. Thinking back to Janurary and I can’t even remember anything specific.

But there has to be something right?

So, where to start?

Work.

Work for the most part has been no different than any other year.

The agency has gone through quite a few rough patches this year, but we are still here.

In terms of what I do, not much has changed. All of my coding projects has been at a stand still since I’m waiting on someone to fix some code. When that is fixed, I can go back and do what I need to do, as long as I remember how to do it. It’s been a while since I’ve done anything.

So, in a way, work is work. It is status quo. It will always be there.

* * *

Creativity.

This year’s creativity has been really really lacking.

I was started the year very ambitious and there some bouts here and there, but it fizzled. That drive isn’t there anymore.

This lack of focus and lack of motivation is killing me. I know for sure it has to do with my MLC, but I just wish I can get past it and just let me do the things I need to do to just be creative.

I miss that spark, that little itch that gets my creative juices flowing. I miss it. I miss that drive.

This MLC is sucking the life out of me.

I started the year with two photography projects; my 365:2013 and my people project. I’m still going strong with my 365:2013 though it has been a little half-assed with it turning to cellphones again, but I’m still taking my pictures.

In terms of my people project, that is still going, in a sense. It is more of an ongoing project. Whenever I get an urge to take a picture of someone, I will. It’s just a matter of me bringing my camera everywhere, which I’m not.

Hopefully, I can get back on it.

Hopefully.

I finished the Secret Service Agent script with Scott. He did most of the writing, but I had input in scenes and direction as to where the story should go. Going through this process and seeing how our many other script collaborations in the past just died, I can totally understand why. I’m just not a good collaborator. It was good experience to know.

The story took a whole different turn on how I imagined it, but it is what it is.

I started another script which I haven’t gotten very far on it. Hopefully maybe, next year it’ll be my next script project.

Whatever prose writing prompts that I had, I had abandoned; some mid story. I just don’t have it in me to continue.

I’m too much in my head to finish it.

Frustrating.

Hopefully things will be better in the coming year. Hopefully I can focus and just create without abandon, without fear, without frustration and just do it.

Hopefully.

* * *

The wanderlust that is me.

Like any year in the recent past, travel is a key and this year was no exception.

There were many adventures this year and they were all with family. I don’t think I went on a solo trip this year at all. That’s a first.

With my many travels and with the many different places that I have gone to, it is always nice to go to new places and this year was definitely no different.

Let’s start with my east coast trip, a random trip that just happened in a span of a few weeks, my trip to Niagara Falls and Toronto. It was our first time there.

I went with Yen and Linda and Sung. Of course we met up with the East Coasters there.

Overall, I enjoyed the trip. It was nice to see Niagara Falls and in all of its epicness. It’s just vast.

Then there was Toronto, which was a pretty nice city in itself. It’s pretty spread out, but very walkable I think. The first day or two there we were in cars, but on the last full day, Yen and I managed to get a good city walk in. I love it when I’m able to hit feet to ground and just walk and explore. I just love that. It’s in my wanderlust blood, to just wander.

Sure there were some hiccups, in terms of Yen’s food restrictions and other minor dramas, but overall the trip was fine.

There was also that big horrific storm and the adventure that ensued that I wrote about in an earlier post.

The biggest take away I got from that trip is that I just love traveling alone and why I usually just travel alone.

The second big trip I had this year was my yearly Boy and His Dog 2013 road trip home.

It was definitely an adventure all right, especially with Pickle’s big escape, or his big break in at Phinny’s. It was a pain in the ass.

For the most part, the trip went on as it normally would. I would spend the mornings with Mom and then I would just go play on my own. The biggest things was the road trip to Montana and to Glacier National Park.

I had to board Pickles and I went with my bro. The drive itself was fine. Everything was great.

Again, beautiful. Just beautiful.

One thing that I do notice and have made mention is how nice people are when they are on vacation. Again, maybe it is National Parks and what not, but there are quite a bit of nice people. It’s great.

For the most part, it was an excellent trip. The trip, the hikes, the scenery were just fucking excellent. The only small gripe I had was that my bro’s bad knee acted up and that put a damper on things. But overall, the trip was great.

Take away: I like to travel alone.

My days alone doing little hikes (Rattlesnake Ridge & Little Si) with Pickles and the city walks of Tacoma and Seattle were just fucking excellent. Pickles was just game to go everywhere. I didn’t have to deal with anyone.

On these city walks, I’ve managed to explore and go to places that I have never been before and I’ve lived here for so long.

I’ve gotten to explore Ruston Way and Point Defiance Park. I was able to find the Fremont Troll in Seattle and trapeze through Alkai Beach in Seattle.

Just beautiful.

It was during that day in Seattle, looking out at the skyline, taking in the scenery, the fresh air, enjoying the great food that I thought to myself that I would be OK moving home. I think I would be totally great living back here, up in Seattle and just living the live that I live. Going out, walking Pickles and just relaxing.

But then again, I did all of these things while I’m on vacation. Would I enjoy doing these things, or would I even do these things if I lived up here?

I don’t know. In life, there are a lot of uncertainties.

Next was the family road trip with my bro and my mom in May.

It was more of a trip for my mom, since she hasn’t seen our uncle and aunts and cousins in a while. I had to keep that in mind.

It was definitely a lot of family and family time for me. Definitely a lot.

I guess I was just not having a good time because I didn’t get my way.

I didn’t want to eat, but we went to eat instead by the urging of my aunt or uncle. It happened constantly.

But again, I had to do it for my mom. It was her trip. It was for her to reconnect and see family again since the only time that it seems that family ever gets together is during funerals.

Also, I had a really bad case of food poisoning during the first few days also. Horrible.

But the day of me, the day that I planned, the day that was just my bro and my mom, the day of Napa, was the best day.

Why? Because it was just simple. It was just going up to Napa, get a light lunch and then just relax. Go wine tasting and just relax.

It was awesome drinking with mom, seeing her face after each sip. It was great to see my brother drinking alcohol and actually enjoying it. It was just a great day.

The food. The French Laundry. The name says it all. That day was just marvelous.

Overall, this past year was a year of family. It was a year of a lot of family.

A lot of the family issues that I had wouldn’t have happened if I traveled alone. I would have just left and be on my way. It is rude, I know, but when you aren’t hungry, you aren’t hungry.

Take away: Travel alone.

I hope that the next year would be filled with many travels also. It seems that my bro has a lot of vacation and has maxed out. It is definitely time for a big vacation. Vietnam?

I don’t care. Let’s just do it.

In terms of Boy and his Dog 2014, I’m already thinking about it. Coastal Route? Banff National Park in Alberta, CA? Bring it on.

* * *

Family.

Looking at how things were, it just seems that this year was definitely a year of family. It definitely was a lot of family this year. Maybe it was because I didn’t go back during any of the holidays last year, or only saw family once, but I made up for it definitely this year.

With the many trips with family this past year, I also went back for Chinese New Year’s and here I am again over Christmas break.

It’s nice to be around family; whatever I just said above aside, it is nice.

It is nice to see my mom just catching up and talking with my aunt and uncle’s during that California road trip, and it was just nice to see my cousins again and just catching up in their lives. It was nice.

Maybe it was just that time, because I have been separated from family for so much, it being a not very family friendly year last year. But I definitely think I over compensated for sure.

If things go accordingly, it may shape up to be another family filled year next year too. We will see.

* * *

2013.

Change.

If I wrote in that 2012 was the year of transition and 2013 is the year of rutting and being stuck.

What happened? Am I still transitioning and it is just that I don’t see any clear changes or growth and that is making me frustrated?

I don’t’ know.

Damn this midlife crisis. Fuck it.

Has anything changed? I think I’m too close to see if anything in my life has changed.

I do know that I’m doing a lot of new stuff or did many things whether good or detrimental to my life that I normally would not have done or wouldn’t even consider.

My hair.

I’ve decided to grow it out. It started way back last year when I would go months without cutting it and realize that I do look better with longer hair, the old Asian parted look. Then it just grew from there, no pun intended.

I just decided that I want to do a good deed, without having to cut my hair. I’m going to donate my hair and I got about three inches left to go. Another six months.

Many of my friends don’t like it, because I just do crazy stuff with it, like tying it up in pig tails or top knots or other variations and just walking around in public with it.

I don’t care. Normally, I don’t think I would ever grow my hair out, but in terms of just not giving a fuck and going out in public and interacting with people with the fuck up hair, that is classic me. I don’t give a fuck what other people think. It works for me. It gets its job done, which is to get the hair out of my face.

Again, not many people like it.

Movember!

It has been a while since I’ve tried to grow any facial hair or just neglect that portion of my hygiene. It’s been 10 years, since dad’s passing, when I last did it. It was time and a good excuse to do it. Again, not many people liked it.

But you know what, fuck them.

I think it was all a part of this year’s trying things out to see if it is the right change for me.

I’ve changed how I dressed for the most part, with skinnier/slimmer jeans and more button ups. No more of my tshirts.

It’s a slow slow slow transition as I look into getting more and more clothes and shoes and boots. Slowly I’m dressing more and more like a grown up, but there are times when a white undershirt and a hoodie is just what is comfortable.

Socializing.

Looking back, I don’t know if this changed at all.

It does seem that I’m a lot more social this year, but I’m still not sure.

Sure there were a lot of happy hours because of the whole layoff issue and what not and people leaving, but I don’t know if I’m more social than norm?

Maybe I am going out a little more, hanging out more with B5 and The Blox and some happy hours here and there, and now with French Pastry, but is that enough?

Is that a start? Does that count as a change to go out more, to socialize more? Maybe.

Again, maybe I’m just too close to it and I can’t see, but it doesn’t feel like it. Stepping back, I still can’t’ see. The Blox said that I have changed and become more social.

Maybe I am. Maybe I am trying to be more social.

I’m trying to reach out and catch up with Tyra, even though it is pretty hard to pin her down.

I’m going out to lunch with the Indian Iq more and more and even with the Sauna.

There were the times with Ms. D, dinner, lunch, and movies. Socializing.

Maybe I am making more of an effort to go out more, to socialize more, but all on my own terms.

Speaking with B5 recently, and it does seem that she did notice a change in my socializing. In terms of hanging out and putting myself in elements that is beyond my comfort, a la the bars in DTLA or even that night at the Wellesbourne.

So, maybe I am and I just can’t see it. Maybe I am socializing and making a genuine effort, but I’m just too close to things to notice these small changes. Maybe.

Maybe.

Socializing; maybe I am making an effort.

If I want, I could count the online dating this year, with the eHarm and now with Match and Coffee Meets Bagel. It’s an effort. It’s a conscious effort.

But I need to do it.

Baking.

It came on like a storm. It was an urge, a burning passion to learn and to start baking.

I don’t bake. I don’t like sweets, desserts, pastries.

I just don’t bake, but for some reason, I had to bake.

I blame the MLC.

In a way, it was just something different, some challenging that I have no experience with that I wanted to do.

It seems to occupy my time and I get to see instant results.

I guess in a way, it is kind of like my photography back in 2010. It’s a learning process.

I can also rationalize it in a different way. I cook a lot. I think I’m fairly a good cook, believing I have about a 90% success rate in terms of cooking meals that are good and edible.

Of course, I can nitpick and what not, but direct me to a stove and give me some ingredients, I can make you some food.

So, baking would come as the next set of skills to learn in terms of cooking. It is something new, something different, and something that is definitely challenging.

I actually enjoy it, even though for the most part, I’m not a fan of eating what I made. I try to find things to make that I would eat.

So, is it something different, something challenging and a change that is for the better? Then yes, I welcome it. If it is a good that is a result of this MLC of mine, then bring it on.

I welcome it. I am rounding out a set of skills that helps me relax and helps me zen out.

Change.

2013.

The year of stuckiness and rutting.

But it seems that there is progress; that there is a change in the tides and I can’t wait for it to be over.

I just hope that I’ll see the results and some evidence of it soon.

Hopefully.

* * *

Growth.

Every year should be a growing year. Every year, you should grow a little bit, be a better person, be a better you.

That is something that I truly believe in.

When I look back this year, do I see that I have become a better person?

If you want to count the baking, then yes, yes I am a better person. I know another skill set.

I am doing something that is challenging and difficult and I’m learning and growing with it.

Is that enough for me?

I’m going out. I’m learning to navigate the social webs of night life. I know what kind of activities I like to do when I’m out with friends (drinking, eating, karaoke, just chilling) and I know definitely, what I do not (loud and crowded bars and clubs).

Patience.

Maybe that is the biggest lesson that I need to learn this year or the upcoming year. I need to learn patience again, and also consideration of others.

It seems that I’m very inconsiderate of others. I know I blame my independence and that I’m so use to being alone that I just forget that I’m with other people.

But I should know better. I should be better than that.

I shouldn’t feel that I’m being inconvenienced because someone is injured or that family is inviting me to eat because they just want to spend more time with me. Also, I shouldn’t feel annoyed because it is a hassle to do anything or eat anything because family have health issues.

Consideration.

Maybe that is the thing that I need to learn, to help me be less of an ass.

Consideration. Patience.

I need to accept that I will not be alone forever and that family will always be family and that my opinion and what I want to do isn’t the only thing that matters.

I need to learn to compromise.

I need to learn to think of others.

I know I had that before. I had that consideration of others, thinking of others. It’s in here somewhere. It was definitely there before, before I learned a valuable lesson in my QLC. The lesson to be selfish.

Maybe I just need to get back to basics again, just to be a better human being.

Lessons.

Growth.

On the path to becoming a better person.

Maybe these are the lessons. Life have thrown these tests at me and I have failed.

Maybe these are the things that I need to be aware of and change my behavior accordingly.

Maybe then, I can truly end this MLC of mine. Maybe then.

* * *

2013.

It is drawing to an end.

This entry has taken about three days to write and it wasn’t until today that I got an idea of what lessons that I need to learn in life.

I need to be patient.

I need to be considerate.

Traits that I am sorely lacking.

2013.

It had been a very trying year for me.

This MLC, this constant need of change had been occupying my mind.

There isn’t a time when I don’t think I never thought about it. It had always been over my shoulder, letting me know that I am not where I need to be.

I need to change.

But I have faith that I am slowly changing, for the better.

Now knowing, and understanding who I am, what I’m lacking, and what I need to work out, maybe 2014 will be the year of my new life.

Maybe 2014 will be the year I become a much better person, happy and free from this change.

Maybe 2014 will be the year I changed.

Here’s to hoping.

Here’s to hoping, indeed.

2013.

Taking a step back and looking at the whole of it, it had been a year unlike my other years in my thirties. It had been a great year.

There were many highs. There were many great trips. There were many great sights. There were many great social nights and great nights in with Pickles.

But I have to realize, that with highs, there are lows. It helps put things in perspective.

Sure, it has been a trying year with the whole MLC hounding me, but that is nothing, absolutely nothing compared to what it could be.

I’m blessed. I’m fortunate.

Looking at the bigger pictures, 2013 had been a really great year.

So with that, I bid it adieu. Goodbye 2013.

It’s time to wipe the year clean, a brand new canvas.

2014.

Bring it on.

This is my last morning here before I board a plane tonight.

Pickles, my furkid, has been dropped off for boarding for the time that I am away. We haven’t been parted for 30 minutes and I already miss the guy, even though I am generally not with him during this time. Just the thought of him being locked up in his little metal crate for the interim just makes me sad.

When I get home, he won’t be there.

It is that time again, that time of the year again to make a pilgrimage back to spend the holidays with my family.

It is almost that time again to do my little write up, my little diddy about the year that was, that time for reflection.

It is almost time for my yearly Bah Humbug to you all.

Almost time.

* * *

Classy Vulgar was a little more than peeved when she found out about me and French Pastry. I knew that it would be something to that affect, but I didn’t think it would be that bad where she would cancel dinner.

Sure there I have a fault in the situation in not telling her right off the bat, but there is a part of me that thinks that there was no reason for me to tell her. It wasn’t anything but an outing, a night out, a friend inviting another friend to spend time with them. Nothing more. Nothing more.

Overall, that night was actually a great night.

It was the night of the Holiday Party, or the Holiday Cocktail Party. I actually had a good time there. I was able to just mingle with the people that I mingle and didn’t feel uncomfortable at all.

I got all the high-fives that I can from Mittens, who is on a no high-fiving kick right now. She’ll warm up to me.

Then, I got to spend some time with Robocop. She’s cute. I loved how she proclaimed with gusto how I am not antisocial. It just seems like the impression that everyone has of me.

Not antisocial.

It was a social night. I didn’t go overboard with the libations to get me feeling loose.

Was picked up by French Pastry and so begun the second outing of the night. We got there at close to half-time and overall, I do have to say I had a really great time. I had fun.

She dared me and I followed through. Then all hell broke loose in the morning.

Classy Vulgar was not very happy with everything. She thought it was very HS, very immature on how I handled it.

I still feel it was none of her business and she’s very cryptic of the things she does and who she hangs out with too.

But either way, slowly things are getting back to normal. Things are getting back to where things are.

But things will never, ’cause things have changed.

Atrophy.

* * *

While at cocktail hour, I was coached on what to do.

Apparently Coach believes that I have a MO — Long blonde hair.

I don’t believe so. She just caught my eye and I just don’t really know what it is. Is Salt & Pepper flirting or is she just being nice.

My shrink thinks I should ask her out after finding out that work doesn’t frown upon fraternizing. My Shrink asks Why not?

Why not indeed.

Drinks.

So, that is what I did, after some time chatting with her. I just did it and she agreed. It seemed like a genuine yes, but then again, I still can’t tell.

Horrible. Just horrible.

After the break.

All I have now is to wait and try not to read anything into anything anymore. Just let it happen.

* * *

Was that a look of awkwardness that I saw or was I just being overly sensitive and my brain is just creating doubt? I couldn’t tell. Even now, I can’t

It’s driving me a little crazy, but I can’t think about it too much.

I just have to have faith that things are happening.

I guess the biggest thing that I should take out of this is that I did it. I managed to ask her and she said yes, with my fucking awesome hair no less.

Is this the turn?

Is this me, making progress?

Had the transformation started?

I don’t know. Only time will tell.

* * *

My eyes hurt.

The air is poisonous with the little particles that irritates.

It shouldn’t happen, but it is here.

Allergy season.

It’s going to suck.

* * *

Time to get down to it. Time to get down to business.

The last week of work is coming up and then it will be break until the next year

Next year, what to expect? I don’t know.

Will it be the year of transition instead of this stalled hesitation? Will it be a very transformative year? Will I shed this little skin that I have and embrace my new one? The new me?

What will happen?

* * *

So arbitrary for me to just wait until a yearly marker to make the change. Maybe it is just an excuse or a psychological game that a new beginning marks a new beginning for me.

One door closes and another one opens.

So arbitrary.

* * *

Age.

Is it a number to gauge things by?

A max and min range of in-betweens that should fit — or should it just be that hey, I like you, you like me. Let’s make this work.

Or are we psychologically predisposed to think that if they fall within or out of a certain range that it shouldn’t work, or it wouldn’t work because society frowns upon it.

I don’t’ know.

There’s a part of me that wants to make the effort, to see where it can lead.

But then there’s that other part of me that worries, the feels that I am taking away their impressionable 20s.

That was a my reasoning with Classy Vulgar and in a way, it still holds true.

But there’s a part of me that thinks that it may work if we both go in understanding what it is and if we want the same thing out of it.

‘Cause Match ain’t doing shit for me right now.

* * *

Go with my gut.

And I don’t know what my gut is telling me.

It tells me to ask if she’s flirting or not, that’s all I know. After that, it doesn’t know much at all.

Typical.

* * *

It’s that time of the year again. That time of the year where things wind down, the hollies and the trees are up and people are in a festive mood.

It is that time of the year where I tend to be more solitary, more of a home body.

It is getting cold outside and people are out and about doing their Christmas shopping. The parking. The rush of people. That time of the year where I just disappear into my hole and comfort myself with a good book or a show or even a movie.

It is that time of the year again where I will get reflective of the year that is coming to an end. It is that time of the year when I wish everyone a Bah Humbug.

It is about that time.

A few more weeks and I’ll be separated from my furkid and I’ll be on a plane and be reunited with my family.

If I think about my year, it is hard to qualify how it was.

I just don’t know anymore.

It’s like my foundation has been shaken and I am coming to terms to things that I am doing wrong or things that I just understand.

I just know that there is a change.

It is a transitional year. I’ll be 35 next year. What does that mean?

To be 35. Is there certain rules that come with that age? How should one act? How should one think? How far in life should they be?

There is a timeline and I don’t know what my timeline is. I’m making it up as I go.

Nothing is solid. The future is unclear.

Try again. Answer foggy.

It is that time again and I am unsure about everything in my life.

* * *

Unsteady. Unsure.

I’m not sure what to do in terms of my activity on Match. I know I am definitely not on it or as active on it as I should be.

It was an assignment by my shrink. It’ll get me out of my house. It’ll get me to meet people.

Is that what I need though? Is that the thing that will make me get out of this little rut I am in? To meet someone?

I don’t know. I really don’t.

I have voiced my concerns when it comes to internet dating with my therapist, but she still tells me to stick with it.

Maybe I’m just being very closed minded about it, but it just doesn’t feel natural. It just doesn’t.

Maybe I’m too much of a romantic and I have all of these romantic ideals of how things should be and internet dating doesn’t fit into that mold.

I don’t know.

I just know that I need to get on it. I know I need to be more active. Hit up girls. Email girls.

Hope for a response.

Maybe today. Maybe tomorrow.

We will see.

* * *

How long is this going to last?

The New Year is fast approaching. Will it be a brand new start or has it already begun and it is too slow to notice?

I don’t know much anymore. Things have become too complicated for my simple mind.

This is definitely an end of an era and a transition to a new one. It definitely have that feel.

It has come to a time in my life where I can’t help myself anymore. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I actually asked for help. Professional help.

This is too much for me. This…this-ness of not knowing what is wrong with me. This…this-ness of change or evolution.

It has come to a time.

Phase to phase. Time to time. I shed a new shell and be a new person. A different person. One that is the same, but also not, a new regeneration.

It is that time.

It is that time to regenerate…to a new Doctor.

Maybe that is why I am so fixated on Doctor Who lately. It is just that time in my life to regenerate.

I wonder what number Doctor this new one is. What Doctor am I?

* * *

Maybe it is time for me to find my companion with this new Doctor that I am going to be.

Maybe this is the root of everything, but I know better.

The root is not that. It’s not that I am lonely. It is definitely something else.

It isn’t that.

Maybe it is this fear of losing my independence. It is really important to me. More important than finding someone.

It is this fear of loss. It is more important than being in a relationship.

Maybe I am just meant to be alone.

You think?

I’ll watch videos of people taking journeys and their sojourns, walking through countries by themselves and that seems so perfect to me. A wanderlust walking the world.

There’s a romance to that.

Maybe I am meant to be this lost wanderer.

The lost wanderer.