Just waiting as I sit here to type my little diddy. It is my usual diatribes of nonsense and gibberish.

There is nothing of relevance on the thing that I have to say anymore.

Nothing.

* * *

Little flickers of my mind, little glimmers of you.

It happened one night not too long ago where you just magically appeared. It was one of those moments where we just ran into each other for no rhyme or reason, the universe brought us together again because it can.

Your hair was darker in my flickering images, your natural hair color, but you were still so beautiful in it. We caught up like we normally do, talking in our own little sing songs. You reached out for my hand and held it and I didn’t want to let you go and you felt the same. You didn’t want to leave. You held on to me.

Dreams.

That was only a dream; a glimmer of hope in my subconscious.

Then, the other night happened. It was just a random night, just a whim of getting some dinner, which I thought of skipping. I thought I could have skipped it, but I felt some hanger pangs, needing something to hold me over.

I took a little walk to TJs with Pickles and then I saw you.

You were there.

It wasn’t like in my dreams, it was reality.

You were you, the exact image of how I last saw you.

It was a meet greet of catching up. There was no awkwardness, not weirdness. It was just right.

You said hi to Pickles as he really took to you as he normally does. I don’t understand that dog on who he likes and who he doesn’t. At least with me, there is a reason. He’s so random.

But we just caught up, catching each other up on our lives, doing our little sing songs.

We then shopped together.

It was cute and then it was over. Our long embraces and hugs left us on a good note.

It was a great joyous happenstance for me.

It was something that lifted the spirit, which the universe love to play their little games.

The mysterious world, working its little games.

* * *

No therapy today. It has been moved to Tuesday.

I don’t know what I want to focus on. Maybe just how to get out of this thing that I am in.

I’m just a mess of issues that I just need to find out where to start. I have a lot of shit to wade through so I can get to the root of everything and change. Succumb to the fucking urge to just get my shit together and just change. Be a better man. Be a better person. Just do it.

Just do it.

* * *

Thanksgiving is next week, just around the corner.

Again, I was invited to Uncle’s for their shindig, and again, I opted to not go and dog sit instead.

I just don’t know why I am avoiding family. I just feel more comfortable being by myself with a houseful of dogs.

I don’t know what has gotten into me, I really don’t.

Am I in such a thing where I would rather be alone or I just don’t want to deal with family right now and their questions of my social life and lack of girlfriend?

Am I in such a state where that is actually bothering me?

I know that when Uncle told me that mom doesn’t like to talk about it and cries, that got me really angry. That was fucked. It did bother me.

I don’t know.

What is it?

Does it have to do with it being Dad’s 10 year? It maybe.

* * *

Maybe it does have to do with it.

It’s been 10 years. Is it my one last hurrah of mourning before I make a change and be okay with it?

I don’t know, I do know that I miss him. I miss my father. I miss my daddy.

Maybe it is because of it I am seeking help. 10 years is long enough to mourn. I need to move on, I need to heal so I can just be a better person.

Maybe.

* * *

It’s a life of maybes.

My life has gotten to be a lot about my choices.

Everything is a choice and it has come to a point where I don’t know what to do anymore.

Before, it seemed that the choices were easy to make. I knew the consequences of my choices, because in a way they were safe.

Now, I don’t know. Should I play it safe or should I take more risks.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.

When did life stop getting easy and has gotten so hard?

Just when you thought that you have everything under control, one day you wake up and you question everything that made you who you are.

Funny how the universe works.

Fucking universe.

* * *