Therapy.

I think it’ll be a good thing. Today was my 2nd session and I decided that I want to work on my father issues and it was a very tearful and snotty session.

I really do believe a lot of my problems are rooted in losing my father, especially at such a young age.

We talked about the guilt that I feel that caused his death, even though it is the most ridiculous thing in the world.

We talked about how proud he was of me, but I never heard it. I hear everyone else say it, but I never heard it and in a way, I will never get that affirmation from him. I need to let that one go. There’s a huge part of me that knows he’s proud of me; that knows that he loves me a lot and that’s all I have and that’s all that I can do about it. Nothing. Just accept it and just move on.

He loved me. I know that. He’s proud of me. I know that.

But for some reason, I just need that affirmation to come from him and not from family or from his boss.

* * *

My heart still hurts.

It still aches for him.

I miss him. I think about him daily. He’s always with me.

* * *

I wasn’t there to help him. I wasn’t there to help my brother and my mom when they found out. I wasn’t there.

I wasn’t there to do anything.

I was just here, doing whatever I’m doing, looking at movies at blockbuster.

I was just here.

Would it have mattered? Would have me be up there be any different?

It may. There’s that uncertainty, but that’s just it, uncertainty.

The fact is that I was away and wasn’t there to have done anything about it.

I couldn’t save him.

And that is something that I have to live with, whether it was possible or not.

* * *

But it was a tearful and messy face day today.

It was cathartic in a way, me being able to cry in front of a stranger. I haven’t cried like that in a while and I seriously do have some underlying unresolved issues about my father’s death.

I still break as if it was still fresh, even though it has been 10 years.

Maybe 10 years is a long enough sentence for me to carry this guilt around? Maybe it is time that I am free and be able to just move on and miss him like everyone else instead of feel this dreaded earth shattering weight of being the cause of his death.

Maybe.

There’s just a lot of maybes in this world. There’s just a lot of uncertainty. Which is funny because nothing is ever that definite. Life is a spectrum of gray from black to white.

There are definites, but those are rare. Everything else is just shades of gray.

* * *

Living my life in shades.

Different levels of control.

Different levels of freedom and independence.

I moved down here for this independence, away from my parents control and over protectiveness.

It’s still a little funny in a way, that even though my father’s been gone for so long, in a way, he still has this control over me. I’m not able to move on and be a better fixed person because of him and his death.

I know a lot of it is my doing. Fuck that, all of it is my doing. Maybe I just need something to justify what I loss, that I give him that control because I miss him.

He’s still in control.

I allow that.

* * *

Change.

Past demons.

Doubt.

Uncertainty.

Untapped potential.

Responsibility.

Being an adult.

Relationships.

Fear of loss.

Guilt.

I am an intricate mess of psycho functionality.

Hopefully one day, I’ll manage to get things untangled and drop these issues.

Hopefully. One day.

One

Day.

* * *

Change.

Being fixed.

I just need to be open to them. I just need to be okay with change and being fixed.

I just have to believe that one day, they will come and things will change. I will be fixed.

One day at a time.

One step at a time.

All in the right direction.

Therapy.