This lacking. This need for a change, just something different. I called it my midlife-crisis and maybe it is. Maybe I am playing a short game, but I guess Ms. D had a more appropriate terminology for it, my one-third-life, or simply my third-life crisis.

I know I am going through something. This doesn’t feel like my QLC. It’s so much different about it.

My life was a confused mess back then, full of emotions of not understanding and not knowing.

Now, I know. I understand who I am. Life is good. There are no complaints.

I have a good job. I am in relatively good health, what more can I ask for? Why do I feel this need for a change, or even that there is something lacking?

Maybe there is. Maybe I just need to go out more, meet new people. There are times where I do yearn for human contact. We are social animals.

Maybe that is what is lacking in my life, a well-meaning relationship.

Maybe.

* * *

Therapy.

For the longest time, this has been my therapy and it has been really good for me.

I would write my little rants and my contemplations trying to figure out my life, who I am, where am I going. It was effective. It worked and here I am now, much better than where I was just under 10 years ago.

But now, I think I need some professional help and I am seeking it.

I don’t know what will come out of it. I don’t know if I’ll find my answers, but I am just hoping that it will help me give me some direction to figure out this rut I am in.

* * *

Looking around the interwebs the other day to see if people are talking about the One-Third-Life and I did find a few people who are definitely going through something.

Most of them are equating their QLC with the OTLC, but there are some that do seem to be going through what I’m going through.

That their life is good. They are in a good stable place, but there is just something lacking and they don’t know what it is.

That it is more of a matter of wanting to change themselves rather than changing the situation they are in.

I love the situation that I am. I’m not in debt. I have a great dog. I have the means and will to travel and I most definitely value the independence that I have in doing whatever I want.

It took me years of getting to this point, of finding my happy zen-ness that I am in, but there is that change.

I want to change me. I’m tired of me. I’m bored of me.

I need a new me. I need a metamorphosis of who I am.

My midlife, my one-third-life crisis. It is here.

I guess that is what it means to be in this stage. Once you find yourself and am comfortable with your skin and your direction and your situation, you now want to change into a better you. No, not just a better you, a different you.

With this, I’m making a few changes and a few experiments in who I am.

I have made some changes in my wardrobe, dressing a little more modern as oppose to the more classic style that I am familiar with. Slim plants, more fitting shirts. Things that fit!

Now I haven’t always been fully committed to the change, often only wearing an undershirt wherever I go, or now, my trusted black hoodie, but there are times when I do surprise.

I did that recently when I got a little more dressed up than usual, shirt tucked in, boots, slim khakis that drew much attention.

But then there are times when I am just comfortable wearing comfortable clothes.

Another change or a bad decision for a good cause, I am growing my hair out. It’s a drastic change from my usual buzzed head or spikey mess that I’ve worn for well over half of my life.

There’s a part of me that wants to do it for fun, another part because I just don’t care about me anymore, a small part is to see if I can do it, and lastly, a part of me wanted to do it because I just want to do a good deed and donate my hair.

I believe it is about six inches now at its longest. It’s not the best decision in my life. It is most definitely not. It has been very very annoying, sometimes frustrated with it and just tying it up in pigtails and just not caring.

I have come to another bad decision, and that is go participate in Movember this year. I can’t grow facial hair. I just can’t. It is what it is, but dammit, I’m going to fucking do it.

It’s not like I care that people are going to laugh at me. I already do that enough already. It’s not like I care what other people think about it, I already know. It’s just doing it.

I have control in this. I’ll do it and when December comes, make a decision to either keep it or shave it. It’s just that simple.

* * *

Another day, another continuation.

So, I went this morning to the therapist. It went well, since it was just a simple session. She just asked me a lot of questions, as to why I think I am in this rut that I am in, why I feel that I need to change and she said it was all normal. Everything that I said, she heard a lot before.

So, whether that is a good sign, I’m not sure, but let’s hope that things will go all right.

She knew that I have some unresolved father issues and that will be something that we will be working on. Hopefully.

I hope good can come out of this.

I really do.

* * *

Do I feel better? Do I feel like I have a fair grasp of the situation? Maybe.

I think I have a good understanding of the underlying causes of my issues. I’m aware of them. I don’t think I ever ran away from them. Maybe I just need a little push on how to deal with them, how to find a solution to pull myself from it.

Maybe this is a good idea. I guess I’ll have to see.

* * *

I lost my train of thought. I thought this would be a lot longer, but that flow that I had yesterday is now gone. It was interrupted and I’m trying to get it back. Maybe through a little more finger tapping, things will get better. Maybe. Let’s hope.

…

Dot dot dot.

That’s what my life is about, a series of ellipses. Things will continue on, things are just left hanging, waiting to be finished at a different time.

Life of incompletion, hanging participles, waiting for a finality.

Maybe it is just time for me to pick up things that were left unfinished and just finish them. Maybe it is just time to man up and do things.

There are just so many questions and things that are going through my head. I just need to time and the focus to answer them, to tackle these problems.

* * *

Thought process.

How I think? Maybe she did bring up a good point, I need to change the way I think.

But where to start? How? How can one change the way they think?

They have a certain thought process when it comes to things and they base their decision and judgments off of that. It’s how things was and will always be, but how does one go about changing it, slowly making corrections, pushing and prodding to change things.

How?

I’ve always been a very introspective person, taking everything in, weighing the pros and cons and accounting for my gut feelings. That’s how I process information and then I act on the information that I get. How do I change that?

Should I act without thinking? Should I just go and do something and go with my first reaction and my instinct?

I realize that my over thinking and over analyzing is debilitating.

Changing the way I think. Change is always good, right?

* * *

Change is on the horizon.

I don’t remember the last time I had a feeling like this, this constant need to make a change in my life.

I don’t remember the last time, maybe it was way back in ’07 when I have to decide should I move home with everything that was going on at Goodman. Maybe that was the last time, and I got a new job out of it.

I’m stuck and I don’t know what it is that I am stuck in. Work? Loneliness?

* * *

It’s quiet today. It looks like it is going to shape up to be a quiet day also.

I originally had plans to go visit Danielle’s today to meet Brady with Melissa, but I already cancelled that.

I woke up feeling a little under the weather. My body is tired and I have an itchy throat.

I’m not sure whether that stemmed from me staying up late Friday night or whether it started before and staying up late just made it worse.

I think it might be from Halloween. I wasn’t feeling that good during that day at all.

Maybe my body is just trying to adjust from all the exercise that I have been doing, tired and sore and I am just finally catching up to it. I just need some rest.

But it is going to be another quiet day of solitude. Maybe.

I’ll finish up the cronuts that I have been making and decide if I should give them away, maybe to Melissa. Not sure yet.

* * *

Life is ongoing moments of quiet solitude with little loud bumps along the way.

They are just little bursts of terror, annoyances, and even joy along this road I’m traveling. I just have to bear with it and just go with it, enjoying the little moments, all moments, until I reach my final destination, wherever that might be.

Maybe I do need to slightly change my way of thinking, just a little bit.

I do have a final destination along this road trip of life and that is to live a long fulfilling life.

Maybe I do need to stop rushing to get there and take the long ride more slowly, stopping wherever I feel like stopping to enjoy the sights. Make new road friends along the way until it is their turn to exit. Maybe I should pick up new passengers from time to time, taking them to where they need to go.

Take things slow. I know where I need to go, but I don’t have to follow the same path that everyone else is taking. Take the road less travel. Take the winding road. Take my time. Enjoy the sights. Enjoy my surrounding.

Take everything in and be okay with leaving it when it is time to pass them by and just brace for all the new and unexpected things that comes my way.

Along this road, you know everything thing that is going to come up, you know how the land looks, you know how a city looks, but you don’t know exactly what to expect.

Just be ready to be surprised and be open to everything.

Life is in your hands, but the world is not. Be open to the many surprises that are out there.

If it is time to exit and make a change of direction, stop for gas, a pit stop, or to get food, go with it, do it.

Life is a journey.

And a journey is to be experienced and not a final destination.