Just waiting as I sit here to type my little diddy. It is my usual diatribes of nonsense and gibberish.

There is nothing of relevance on the thing that I have to say anymore.

Nothing.

* * *

Little flickers of my mind, little glimmers of you.

It happened one night not too long ago where you just magically appeared. It was one of those moments where we just ran into each other for no rhyme or reason, the universe brought us together again because it can.

Your hair was darker in my flickering images, your natural hair color, but you were still so beautiful in it. We caught up like we normally do, talking in our own little sing songs. You reached out for my hand and held it and I didn’t want to let you go and you felt the same. You didn’t want to leave. You held on to me.

Dreams.

That was only a dream; a glimmer of hope in my subconscious.

Then, the other night happened. It was just a random night, just a whim of getting some dinner, which I thought of skipping. I thought I could have skipped it, but I felt some hanger pangs, needing something to hold me over.

I took a little walk to TJs with Pickles and then I saw you.

You were there.

It wasn’t like in my dreams, it was reality.

You were you, the exact image of how I last saw you.

It was a meet greet of catching up. There was no awkwardness, not weirdness. It was just right.

You said hi to Pickles as he really took to you as he normally does. I don’t understand that dog on who he likes and who he doesn’t. At least with me, there is a reason. He’s so random.

But we just caught up, catching each other up on our lives, doing our little sing songs.

We then shopped together.

It was cute and then it was over. Our long embraces and hugs left us on a good note.

It was a great joyous happenstance for me.

It was something that lifted the spirit, which the universe love to play their little games.

The mysterious world, working its little games.

* * *

No therapy today. It has been moved to Tuesday.

I don’t know what I want to focus on. Maybe just how to get out of this thing that I am in.

I’m just a mess of issues that I just need to find out where to start. I have a lot of shit to wade through so I can get to the root of everything and change. Succumb to the fucking urge to just get my shit together and just change. Be a better man. Be a better person. Just do it.

Just do it.

* * *

Thanksgiving is next week, just around the corner.

Again, I was invited to Uncle’s for their shindig, and again, I opted to not go and dog sit instead.

I just don’t know why I am avoiding family. I just feel more comfortable being by myself with a houseful of dogs.

I don’t know what has gotten into me, I really don’t.

Am I in such a thing where I would rather be alone or I just don’t want to deal with family right now and their questions of my social life and lack of girlfriend?

Am I in such a state where that is actually bothering me?

I know that when Uncle told me that mom doesn’t like to talk about it and cries, that got me really angry. That was fucked. It did bother me.

I don’t know.

What is it?

Does it have to do with it being Dad’s 10 year? It maybe.

* * *

Maybe it does have to do with it.

It’s been 10 years. Is it my one last hurrah of mourning before I make a change and be okay with it?

I don’t know, I do know that I miss him. I miss my father. I miss my daddy.

Maybe it is because of it I am seeking help. 10 years is long enough to mourn. I need to move on, I need to heal so I can just be a better person.

Maybe.

* * *

It’s a life of maybes.

My life has gotten to be a lot about my choices.

Everything is a choice and it has come to a point where I don’t know what to do anymore.

Before, it seemed that the choices were easy to make. I knew the consequences of my choices, because in a way they were safe.

Now, I don’t know. Should I play it safe or should I take more risks.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.

When did life stop getting easy and has gotten so hard?

Just when you thought that you have everything under control, one day you wake up and you question everything that made you who you are.

Funny how the universe works.

Fucking universe.

* * *

Tired.

It was a late night of drinking and singing. It was a night of boy bands and pop. It was a night out.

Tired.

I can’t even think straight or put thoughts together to make anything coherent. It was a rough night of sleep along with an early morning of nothingness which was meant to be a teeth cleaning.

I used up my allotted numbers of cleanings per year and yet they want me to come in for another cleaning and pay out of pocket. It wasn’t much, but still, it was still a substantial amount that I shouldn’t have to pay for if I had insurance.

It was just a clusterfuck of a morning.

Tired.

Time is counting down and clicking along as things just move swiftly on. Time flows by its steady cadence not caring about those who doesn’t have much time. Time saunters on without care.

I want to be time. I want to be something that is of arbitrary importance based on someone’s value of it. I want that I want to be that.

Tired.

Nothing makes sense.

Tired.

* * *

There’s an over sensitivity in me that is picking up on things that I can’t make out.

Interest.

Is there interest or is there just genuine niceness. I can’t tell.

Are they flirting with me, interested in me or are they just being nice girls that they are. I can’t tell.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to tell.

Interest.

I can never tell.

I’m done worrying about it. I’m done thinking about it.

I’m just done.

* * *

I can’t think. I can’t write.

I can’t create and continue on the track that I had been going on with my current script.

I need my brain to function again. It’s not, clouded in this fog of fatigue and restless sleep.

It’s definitely going to be a long long day.

* * *

It’s busy today at the boba shop as I type my little nonsense and ramblings that don’t amount to much. There is definitely nothing substantial that I am writing here.

I am writing small talk.

Worthless. Useless.

There is nothing to get out of these diatribes of mine. Nothing at all.

* * *

Yamakase.

I went there again. This time, I treated Cinder to dinner. She covered half of her share and I got the rest.

Again, I was just blown away at how good and simple the food was. There wasn’t anything flashy, nothing pretentious. It was just pure magic. 20 dishes of magic.

Sure there were some that were better than others and of those, some that just utterly left me speechless and craving more, but all of it was just really good food.

Here’s a list of what we had that night.

1. Soy skin with uni
2. Geoduck giant clam baby sardines
3. Oyster uni caviar tarragon
4. Quail egg uni bluefin tuna**
5. steak tartare white truffle butter special sauce bruschetta***
6. Mushroom unagi eggplant
7. Poached east coast baby Scallops steamed french onion uni cream sauce
8. Soft tofu with tomato and olive oil. Soft tofu with uni.
9. Hokkaido hairy crab
10. Duck mushroom plum flavored soba noodle
11. Blue crab bluefin tuna Italian cheese crispy chip
12. Fried beef tenderloin
13. Uni egg custard seafood
14. Sushi- bluefin tuna
15. Bluefin otoro
16. Yellow jack
17. Spanish mackerel
18. Bluefin otoro
19. Tuna uni hand roll crab guts
20. Sherbert.

The blue crab and bluefin over the crispy chip and the beef tartare were definitely the standouts of the night along with the last handroll.

Oh crab guts how do I love thee.

I told Cinder that I might have to make it a quarterly thing because of the seasonal ingredients that are available at different times and she said she’s game.

I guess we will see, but yes, definitely worth the price.

I loved it. Just loved it.

* * *

Dinner.

Pretty much since I woke up, I’ve been thinking about dinner. Trying to figure out the menu and how am I going to cook it. I got a rough idea of what I’m going to cook. I just need to execute it.

Dinner.

Pan Seared Duck Breast w/Honey Balsamic Glaze
Pommes Anna
Duck fat mushrooms
Broccolini

I sincerely hope that it turns out well.

Therapy.

I think it’ll be a good thing. Today was my 2nd session and I decided that I want to work on my father issues and it was a very tearful and snotty session.

I really do believe a lot of my problems are rooted in losing my father, especially at such a young age.

We talked about the guilt that I feel that caused his death, even though it is the most ridiculous thing in the world.

We talked about how proud he was of me, but I never heard it. I hear everyone else say it, but I never heard it and in a way, I will never get that affirmation from him. I need to let that one go. There’s a huge part of me that knows he’s proud of me; that knows that he loves me a lot and that’s all I have and that’s all that I can do about it. Nothing. Just accept it and just move on.

He loved me. I know that. He’s proud of me. I know that.

But for some reason, I just need that affirmation to come from him and not from family or from his boss.

* * *

My heart still hurts.

It still aches for him.

I miss him. I think about him daily. He’s always with me.

* * *

I wasn’t there to help him. I wasn’t there to help my brother and my mom when they found out. I wasn’t there.

I wasn’t there to do anything.

I was just here, doing whatever I’m doing, looking at movies at blockbuster.

I was just here.

Would it have mattered? Would have me be up there be any different?

It may. There’s that uncertainty, but that’s just it, uncertainty.

The fact is that I was away and wasn’t there to have done anything about it.

I couldn’t save him.

And that is something that I have to live with, whether it was possible or not.

* * *

But it was a tearful and messy face day today.

It was cathartic in a way, me being able to cry in front of a stranger. I haven’t cried like that in a while and I seriously do have some underlying unresolved issues about my father’s death.

I still break as if it was still fresh, even though it has been 10 years.

Maybe 10 years is a long enough sentence for me to carry this guilt around? Maybe it is time that I am free and be able to just move on and miss him like everyone else instead of feel this dreaded earth shattering weight of being the cause of his death.

Maybe.

There’s just a lot of maybes in this world. There’s just a lot of uncertainty. Which is funny because nothing is ever that definite. Life is a spectrum of gray from black to white.

There are definites, but those are rare. Everything else is just shades of gray.

* * *

Living my life in shades.

Different levels of control.

Different levels of freedom and independence.

I moved down here for this independence, away from my parents control and over protectiveness.

It’s still a little funny in a way, that even though my father’s been gone for so long, in a way, he still has this control over me. I’m not able to move on and be a better fixed person because of him and his death.

I know a lot of it is my doing. Fuck that, all of it is my doing. Maybe I just need something to justify what I loss, that I give him that control because I miss him.

He’s still in control.

I allow that.

* * *

Change.

Past demons.

Doubt.

Uncertainty.

Untapped potential.

Responsibility.

Being an adult.

Relationships.

Fear of loss.

Guilt.

I am an intricate mess of psycho functionality.

Hopefully one day, I’ll manage to get things untangled and drop these issues.

Hopefully. One day.

One

Day.

* * *

Change.

Being fixed.

I just need to be open to them. I just need to be okay with change and being fixed.

I just have to believe that one day, they will come and things will change. I will be fixed.

One day at a time.

One step at a time.

All in the right direction.

Therapy.

This lacking. This need for a change, just something different. I called it my midlife-crisis and maybe it is. Maybe I am playing a short game, but I guess Ms. D had a more appropriate terminology for it, my one-third-life, or simply my third-life crisis.

I know I am going through something. This doesn’t feel like my QLC. It’s so much different about it.

My life was a confused mess back then, full of emotions of not understanding and not knowing.

Now, I know. I understand who I am. Life is good. There are no complaints.

I have a good job. I am in relatively good health, what more can I ask for? Why do I feel this need for a change, or even that there is something lacking?

Maybe there is. Maybe I just need to go out more, meet new people. There are times where I do yearn for human contact. We are social animals.

Maybe that is what is lacking in my life, a well-meaning relationship.

Maybe.

* * *

Therapy.

For the longest time, this has been my therapy and it has been really good for me.

I would write my little rants and my contemplations trying to figure out my life, who I am, where am I going. It was effective. It worked and here I am now, much better than where I was just under 10 years ago.

But now, I think I need some professional help and I am seeking it.

I don’t know what will come out of it. I don’t know if I’ll find my answers, but I am just hoping that it will help me give me some direction to figure out this rut I am in.

* * *

Looking around the interwebs the other day to see if people are talking about the One-Third-Life and I did find a few people who are definitely going through something.

Most of them are equating their QLC with the OTLC, but there are some that do seem to be going through what I’m going through.

That their life is good. They are in a good stable place, but there is just something lacking and they don’t know what it is.

That it is more of a matter of wanting to change themselves rather than changing the situation they are in.

I love the situation that I am. I’m not in debt. I have a great dog. I have the means and will to travel and I most definitely value the independence that I have in doing whatever I want.

It took me years of getting to this point, of finding my happy zen-ness that I am in, but there is that change.

I want to change me. I’m tired of me. I’m bored of me.

I need a new me. I need a metamorphosis of who I am.

My midlife, my one-third-life crisis. It is here.

I guess that is what it means to be in this stage. Once you find yourself and am comfortable with your skin and your direction and your situation, you now want to change into a better you. No, not just a better you, a different you.

With this, I’m making a few changes and a few experiments in who I am.

I have made some changes in my wardrobe, dressing a little more modern as oppose to the more classic style that I am familiar with. Slim plants, more fitting shirts. Things that fit!

Now I haven’t always been fully committed to the change, often only wearing an undershirt wherever I go, or now, my trusted black hoodie, but there are times when I do surprise.

I did that recently when I got a little more dressed up than usual, shirt tucked in, boots, slim khakis that drew much attention.

But then there are times when I am just comfortable wearing comfortable clothes.

Another change or a bad decision for a good cause, I am growing my hair out. It’s a drastic change from my usual buzzed head or spikey mess that I’ve worn for well over half of my life.

There’s a part of me that wants to do it for fun, another part because I just don’t care about me anymore, a small part is to see if I can do it, and lastly, a part of me wanted to do it because I just want to do a good deed and donate my hair.

I believe it is about six inches now at its longest. It’s not the best decision in my life. It is most definitely not. It has been very very annoying, sometimes frustrated with it and just tying it up in pigtails and just not caring.

I have come to another bad decision, and that is go participate in Movember this year. I can’t grow facial hair. I just can’t. It is what it is, but dammit, I’m going to fucking do it.

It’s not like I care that people are going to laugh at me. I already do that enough already. It’s not like I care what other people think about it, I already know. It’s just doing it.

I have control in this. I’ll do it and when December comes, make a decision to either keep it or shave it. It’s just that simple.

* * *

Another day, another continuation.

So, I went this morning to the therapist. It went well, since it was just a simple session. She just asked me a lot of questions, as to why I think I am in this rut that I am in, why I feel that I need to change and she said it was all normal. Everything that I said, she heard a lot before.

So, whether that is a good sign, I’m not sure, but let’s hope that things will go all right.

She knew that I have some unresolved father issues and that will be something that we will be working on. Hopefully.

I hope good can come out of this.

I really do.

* * *

Do I feel better? Do I feel like I have a fair grasp of the situation? Maybe.

I think I have a good understanding of the underlying causes of my issues. I’m aware of them. I don’t think I ever ran away from them. Maybe I just need a little push on how to deal with them, how to find a solution to pull myself from it.

Maybe this is a good idea. I guess I’ll have to see.

* * *

I lost my train of thought. I thought this would be a lot longer, but that flow that I had yesterday is now gone. It was interrupted and I’m trying to get it back. Maybe through a little more finger tapping, things will get better. Maybe. Let’s hope.

…

Dot dot dot.

That’s what my life is about, a series of ellipses. Things will continue on, things are just left hanging, waiting to be finished at a different time.

Life of incompletion, hanging participles, waiting for a finality.

Maybe it is just time for me to pick up things that were left unfinished and just finish them. Maybe it is just time to man up and do things.

There are just so many questions and things that are going through my head. I just need to time and the focus to answer them, to tackle these problems.

* * *

Thought process.

How I think? Maybe she did bring up a good point, I need to change the way I think.

But where to start? How? How can one change the way they think?

They have a certain thought process when it comes to things and they base their decision and judgments off of that. It’s how things was and will always be, but how does one go about changing it, slowly making corrections, pushing and prodding to change things.

How?

I’ve always been a very introspective person, taking everything in, weighing the pros and cons and accounting for my gut feelings. That’s how I process information and then I act on the information that I get. How do I change that?

Should I act without thinking? Should I just go and do something and go with my first reaction and my instinct?

I realize that my over thinking and over analyzing is debilitating.

Changing the way I think. Change is always good, right?

* * *

Change is on the horizon.

I don’t remember the last time I had a feeling like this, this constant need to make a change in my life.

I don’t remember the last time, maybe it was way back in ’07 when I have to decide should I move home with everything that was going on at Goodman. Maybe that was the last time, and I got a new job out of it.

I’m stuck and I don’t know what it is that I am stuck in. Work? Loneliness?

* * *

It’s quiet today. It looks like it is going to shape up to be a quiet day also.

I originally had plans to go visit Danielle’s today to meet Brady with Melissa, but I already cancelled that.

I woke up feeling a little under the weather. My body is tired and I have an itchy throat.

I’m not sure whether that stemmed from me staying up late Friday night or whether it started before and staying up late just made it worse.

I think it might be from Halloween. I wasn’t feeling that good during that day at all.

Maybe my body is just trying to adjust from all the exercise that I have been doing, tired and sore and I am just finally catching up to it. I just need some rest.

But it is going to be another quiet day of solitude. Maybe.

I’ll finish up the cronuts that I have been making and decide if I should give them away, maybe to Melissa. Not sure yet.

* * *

Life is ongoing moments of quiet solitude with little loud bumps along the way.

They are just little bursts of terror, annoyances, and even joy along this road I’m traveling. I just have to bear with it and just go with it, enjoying the little moments, all moments, until I reach my final destination, wherever that might be.

Maybe I do need to slightly change my way of thinking, just a little bit.

I do have a final destination along this road trip of life and that is to live a long fulfilling life.

Maybe I do need to stop rushing to get there and take the long ride more slowly, stopping wherever I feel like stopping to enjoy the sights. Make new road friends along the way until it is their turn to exit. Maybe I should pick up new passengers from time to time, taking them to where they need to go.

Take things slow. I know where I need to go, but I don’t have to follow the same path that everyone else is taking. Take the road less travel. Take the winding road. Take my time. Enjoy the sights. Enjoy my surrounding.

Take everything in and be okay with leaving it when it is time to pass them by and just brace for all the new and unexpected things that comes my way.

Along this road, you know everything thing that is going to come up, you know how the land looks, you know how a city looks, but you don’t know exactly what to expect.

Just be ready to be surprised and be open to everything.

Life is in your hands, but the world is not. Be open to the many surprises that are out there.

If it is time to exit and make a change of direction, stop for gas, a pit stop, or to get food, go with it, do it.

Life is a journey.

And a journey is to be experienced and not a final destination.