It’s hot. It’s scorching.

The final day is over. The last day is over.

The smooth comfort that we had, never left even though everything was out in the air. Everything went like we never skipped a beat.

We were we and I am thankful for that.

No awkwardness. There’s just a general mutual agreement of letting things go on until it stops.

Our final embrace, tight and long. Holding onto each other, keeping us in our thoughts just a little longer, extending our eventual departure to the unknown forever never just a little longer.

Now our future is no more. Now we are no more.

We have to let happenstance dictate our story. We have to let life happen and forget that we were a part of each other’s lives no matter how insignificant we were a part of it. We just have to let it be and maybe our paths will cross again.

The blank state of our empty canvas look similar now; each empty waiting for brush strokes to form the future that we make for ourselves.

Will our pictures and paintings turn out to be similar?

Will we have shared brushstrokes to mark our similar experiences?

Only time will tell.

But until whenever is whenever the time for things to happen, we’ll go on making our individual brush strokes, living our life into the masterpieces that only we can appreciate.

* * *

Searching.

The search continues. The search for what was hopeful, what was pined for, for that everlasting but always fleeting connection that everyone years for.

I held onto the hope for so long, that I maybe was blinded to some cracking sparks that came along the way. But I am free now, free to see those sparks. I just hope I don’t miss them, so soft and so subtle

I need an explosion to blasts its way into my life; a full fledge force of heat and chemical explosion that just blinds me to nothing but that.

I just need that connection.

It’s more than a want now. It’s a passion. It’s a desire.

This hopeless heart tires easily but continues to beat slow and steady.

Many say that love comes when you are not looking for it.

Maybe I’m just always looking.

How does one stop? I go on living my life, doing the things that makes me feel alive, capturing life, and putting my thoughts into words. Life goes and I live it.

But I guess with my hopeful heart constantly yearning, I guess I am always looking. Therefore love will never come to me.

Should I just stop? All of these online avenues, are they right for me?

I dropped one and will continue with the other until it comes time for me to just stop.

It should be easier than this. It should be better than this.

Maybe I’m just doing things wrong.

Maybe I just lived my life wrong.

But there’s no guidebook for this. People just live the best they think they can, making the decisions that they make and just hope things get easier that these little choices are the ones that are the best fit for them at that moment, at that time in their life.

I lived my life that way. I believe I will always live it that way.

That’s the only way that I know how to live life.

* * *

Options.

Those that are in front of me and those that are up in the ether.

Just a constant search and search and some just work, some are forced, but it is a game that we all have to play.

Am I paying close enough attention to the ones that are in front of me?

What about the Onassis 5 that I catch from time to time. We’ll be passing ships, blowing our horns of acknowledgment and formalities. Hi! Then we’ll be off on our separate ways. Me in my meandering destination of fix it nation and her to her little box of work.

I don’t know much about her. I don’t talk to her much. She’s off in the awkward corner, the one I rarely visit. Out of sight out of mind.

Is it I’m thinking about her and latching on (if I am, which I’m not saying that I am) because it seems I am interpreting her actions as interest?

I just don’t know.

My gut has been wrong before, but it has also been right. I just don’t know.

Ha! Life is a series of unknowns. That’s an understatement.

I guess it is our purpose to make these unknowns into knowns.

* * *

It’s like approaching 90s outside and I’m inside with a hoodie over my head.

There is definitely something wrong here.

* *

A new phase is starting. A new start. A new beginning.

I know now that my heart is not locked and is free to again.

A new start.

Maybe this is the change that I need. Maybe I’ll slowly entertain the thought of a new venue.

My life is officially free, in a flux of finding the right place.

Is this the start of it, the change that I have been feeling a need for?

Is it?

A new look. A new search. A new venue.

Entertaining thoughts of maybe a new city.

New.

Everything is new.

Change.

Thoughts?

Let’s just keep it as thoughts now.

We will see how I do, and what I choose.

No rush.

* * *

I can’t live without you baby, oh baby…

Maybe it is time that I stop listening to these sappy love songs that I love so much.

I’m such a cheese ball.

The highway don’t care…I actually don’t understand what that means.

Is it because the lover is leaving, going away and the highway don’t care about this dying relationship but I do, I do.

I think that makes sense. Maybe.

* * *

A new start. A new beginning.

Change is coming.

Change is here.

Life in flux.

Bring it.