I don’t want to lose you now.

Letting go. Losing the strength to carry this thing through.

I finally see that dim light at the end of the tunnel. I just need that final catalyst that pushes everything to the finale that I know will come. I know that things will be cleared and the answer will surface.

Answers.

No.

Simple. Concrete.

Just no.

* * *

Falling into the comfort of things. Falling into our nature, our little moments of pitter and patter. Just falling and hoping that it will be eternal, a forever falling where there is no bottom, deeper and deeper where eventually in the end, that listless floating of desire and passion will devastate my soul whenever I reach bottom.

That is what it is like to be where I am. My little heart has a built in pitfall. It latches on. It never lets go.

But from my perspective, the bottom is coming up fast. I’m in for a world of pain.

Maybe it is something that it thrives on. Maybe it is something that it needs to get stronger. Maybe it is just something to make me feel something other than the thing I’m feeling.

Maybe.

* * *

Staring back at me

Maybe.

My life is full of maybes. There’s just so much that could go either way, which is not definite because it hasn’t been tried. It hasn’t been true.

It is just a future of possibilities that can go any way until there is a definite experience. Even then, there are still different outcomes if done again and again. maybes.

There are just a lot of maybes anywhere.

Maybe the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t the glimmer of hope that I am dreaming of but the glimmer of a fading light?

Maybe it’ll just be my faint green beacon that I find through the fog so I’m not lost as to what my envious desire is?

Maybe.

I don’t want to lose you now/ Show me how to fight for now

Maybe I just need to fight more?

But I think I know I just need to know when to fold my hand and take the loss. It is too much. I have wasted so much of my time.

To think if I had made a decision to act on this a lot sooner or even to clear things sooner or even if I was smart enough to heed the signs that was presented, I would have been in a different place than I am now.

Maybe it would be with someone else that I’m going through this crux with or maybe I’ll actually be with someone. Who know?

I just know that there needs to be a change.

This needs a change.

We need a change.

Change.

* * *

Continuing where I left off yesterday.

Mirrors blasting the familiar tunes and laments in my ears.

I don’t want to lose you now

It is just a matter mustering up the strength to get this job done. Once it is done, things will get easier. Once it is done, things will be better.

I need other things to occupy my mind. I need to focus on things outside the matters of the heart.

Traveling. Seeing the world that I know that is out there waiting for me to explore.

Adventures are just waiting for me. I just need to take the first step in the journey.

* * *

It’s Father’s Day today.

Of course you aren’t here and of course I miss you.

* * *

Time.

It’s a fickle bitch.

Floating away, keeping constant.

Beating life’s measure.

Never have enough

When one needs it

No control

When one needs to go back

* * *