It’s hot. It’s scorching.

The final day is over. The last day is over.

The smooth comfort that we had, never left even though everything was out in the air. Everything went like we never skipped a beat.

We were we and I am thankful for that.

No awkwardness. There’s just a general mutual agreement of letting things go on until it stops.

Our final embrace, tight and long. Holding onto each other, keeping us in our thoughts just a little longer, extending our eventual departure to the unknown forever never just a little longer.

Now our future is no more. Now we are no more.

We have to let happenstance dictate our story. We have to let life happen and forget that we were a part of each other’s lives no matter how insignificant we were a part of it. We just have to let it be and maybe our paths will cross again.

The blank state of our empty canvas look similar now; each empty waiting for brush strokes to form the future that we make for ourselves.

Will our pictures and paintings turn out to be similar?

Will we have shared brushstrokes to mark our similar experiences?

Only time will tell.

But until whenever is whenever the time for things to happen, we’ll go on making our individual brush strokes, living our life into the masterpieces that only we can appreciate.

* * *

Searching.

The search continues. The search for what was hopeful, what was pined for, for that everlasting but always fleeting connection that everyone years for.

I held onto the hope for so long, that I maybe was blinded to some cracking sparks that came along the way. But I am free now, free to see those sparks. I just hope I don’t miss them, so soft and so subtle

I need an explosion to blasts its way into my life; a full fledge force of heat and chemical explosion that just blinds me to nothing but that.

I just need that connection.

It’s more than a want now. It’s a passion. It’s a desire.

This hopeless heart tires easily but continues to beat slow and steady.

Many say that love comes when you are not looking for it.

Maybe I’m just always looking.

How does one stop? I go on living my life, doing the things that makes me feel alive, capturing life, and putting my thoughts into words. Life goes and I live it.

But I guess with my hopeful heart constantly yearning, I guess I am always looking. Therefore love will never come to me.

Should I just stop? All of these online avenues, are they right for me?

I dropped one and will continue with the other until it comes time for me to just stop.

It should be easier than this. It should be better than this.

Maybe I’m just doing things wrong.

Maybe I just lived my life wrong.

But there’s no guidebook for this. People just live the best they think they can, making the decisions that they make and just hope things get easier that these little choices are the ones that are the best fit for them at that moment, at that time in their life.

I lived my life that way. I believe I will always live it that way.

That’s the only way that I know how to live life.

* * *

Options.

Those that are in front of me and those that are up in the ether.

Just a constant search and search and some just work, some are forced, but it is a game that we all have to play.

Am I paying close enough attention to the ones that are in front of me?

What about the Onassis 5 that I catch from time to time. We’ll be passing ships, blowing our horns of acknowledgment and formalities. Hi! Then we’ll be off on our separate ways. Me in my meandering destination of fix it nation and her to her little box of work.

I don’t know much about her. I don’t talk to her much. She’s off in the awkward corner, the one I rarely visit. Out of sight out of mind.

Is it I’m thinking about her and latching on (if I am, which I’m not saying that I am) because it seems I am interpreting her actions as interest?

I just don’t know.

My gut has been wrong before, but it has also been right. I just don’t know.

Ha! Life is a series of unknowns. That’s an understatement.

I guess it is our purpose to make these unknowns into knowns.

* * *

It’s like approaching 90s outside and I’m inside with a hoodie over my head.

There is definitely something wrong here.

* *

A new phase is starting. A new start. A new beginning.

I know now that my heart is not locked and is free to again.

A new start.

Maybe this is the change that I need. Maybe I’ll slowly entertain the thought of a new venue.

My life is officially free, in a flux of finding the right place.

Is this the start of it, the change that I have been feeling a need for?

Is it?

A new look. A new search. A new venue.

Entertaining thoughts of maybe a new city.

New.

Everything is new.

Change.

Thoughts?

Let’s just keep it as thoughts now.

We will see how I do, and what I choose.

No rush.

* * *

I can’t live without you baby, oh baby…

Maybe it is time that I stop listening to these sappy love songs that I love so much.

I’m such a cheese ball.

The highway don’t care…I actually don’t understand what that means.

Is it because the lover is leaving, going away and the highway don’t care about this dying relationship but I do, I do.

I think that makes sense. Maybe.

* * *

A new start. A new beginning.

Change is coming.

Change is here.

Life in flux.

Bring it.

Not sure what it means actually, but it is the literal translation of a song by Twins – the Hong Kong pop duo that I have grown apart from.

I think it is the song that is playing, but I am not so sure anymore. They have so many that sounds the same, but I’m going to keep it that way.

Today will be a day of exercise. It will just be a day of a finger tapping and nonsense shenanigans because I don’t really know what I want to write today.

I’m avoiding the script. I’m avoiding my short stories. I’m avoiding thinking about ideas for a new script. I’m avoiding editing and rewriting.

I’m avoiding many things.

As discussed, it just seems that I have a lot of things in my mind, which I will categorize as my midlife crisis. It’s an ugly one of listless loss.

But there is light. There’s always a light, no matter how dim.

There’s always a way out. It is just a matter of time. How long?

No idea.

* * *

Eyes up.

Long and inviting, daring me to stare. Taunting me, questioning my masculinity if I didn’t.

It teases with each move, a little longer a little deeper. The deep crevice of two opposing mounds tempts even the most pious man.

I fight the urge, but I give in like any man would.

It’s a well fought battle, but I lost before it even started.

* * *

The cold air blasts from high above.

So dense it falls quick, chilling everything below and deep.

I feel it in my bones. I feel it in my soul. The cold ice enshrouds my soul and my heart.

Iced up cold heartedness, that’s what I have become. Unable to feel anything but this deep chill. Unable to move to keep warm for I am frozen in this tundra of feelings.

The chill blasts. The ice hardens.

* * *

The air warms.

The air around me becomes comfortable, livable, melting me from this frost that I was before.

It warms the blood, keeping it flowing and me living. It keeps me alive, urging me to keep this warmth, to live and be.

But I can’t rely on others or my environment. I need to rely on me and my own resourcefulness. I need to keep myself warm, to keep myself alive with whatever methods that I can.

I need to keep moving. I need to keep trying to stay alive. I need to keep living and going on and eventually there will come a natural time when all things stop. I wait patiently for that, not rushing the inevitable, letting whatever life clock tick away at its own standard pace. Eventually will come, but now, life is demands a player to play its little games.

Can I survive?

I believe so.

* * *

Our love was destined. The moon represents my heart.

* * *

Clear. Things are clearer now. Things aren’t so foggy where I can’t see what the truth is anymore.

There are no more miscommunications that shroud my frustrations.

Things are clear.

There is nothing more.

That is all I need to know. Things are clear and there is nothing more.

I just have to move on now; to keep my distance and move on.

Hopefully one day we’ll be able to hang out again, to enjoy each other’s company in a different setting, a different heart. Here’s to hoping, but knowing me, I don’t know.

I never really hung out or kept in touch with many people that leave my life, especially those that I am interested in. They come. They go. Out of sight. Out of mind.

Whatever friendship that we have just fizzle into the ether of history only to resurface when one is forgotten.

I’ll miss this one. I’ll miss her.

* * *

Should I stop asking you out?

And that was all that was needed to get our dialogue done.

Uncomfortable. Nothing more than just hanging out as friends.

Nothing more.

I am uncomfortable with that. It’s not that it is making me uncomfortable, which you don’t. It is just that I’m confused and frustrated. But now I know.

It’s not a matter of being comfortable here on out. It isn’t. You never made me uncomfortable. Ever.

I just can’t hang out with you or see you anymore. I need my distance. I need my space. Time.

I need to get over you and that is the best remedy.

* * *

You knew that I liked you, more than a friend. You knew, and yet you still agreed to hang out. I know it was an assumption on your part, and a mistake on mine, and a general miscommunication across the board, so I forgive and forget.

It happens. Tis is life. Tis is the way that things like this happen.

I like how you did notice that I stopped talking to you for a while. I liked how you made reference to it, and I’m sure you know why I stopped; that Christmas break.

I guess my gut was right. It was a cop out. A way to hang out with me without hanging out with me.

But, tis is the way it is.

Time to move on.

Time to look forward and be open to someone else to fill that void that is slowly depleting not out of want but of necessity. I have to ’cause I’m going crazy.

I’m going crazy.

In a way my heart feels lighter. My brain feels freer, not having to figure out what it is that is happening, fighting the feelings in my heart or my gut.

I’m free.

* * *

Wednesday.

Last day.

Things will have to go on as usual. Us. Usual.

It shouldn’t be strained or awkward. It should be just us.

Let us end things on a good note.

* * *

Lesson learned: Stop fighting my gut feeling.

It tells me that it wasn’t what I hoped for, but I wanted to know for sure. The truth is I already knew, I was just in denial.

Maybe it is that I am too nice. Or maybe it is that I just wasn’t her type. Or maybe it is that she just doesn’t see me that way.

I don’t think I need to know. I don’t think I want to know, because I think maybe knowing the truth why, it’ll just upset me more.

I’ve been through this numerous times. I’ve been through this time and time again. It happens. It’s a broken record, skipping back and forth in different times in my life.

I always manage to get better. I always manage move on.

This one should be no different.

* * *

I don’t want to lose you now.

Letting go. Losing the strength to carry this thing through.

I finally see that dim light at the end of the tunnel. I just need that final catalyst that pushes everything to the finale that I know will come. I know that things will be cleared and the answer will surface.

Answers.

No.

Simple. Concrete.

Just no.

* * *

Falling into the comfort of things. Falling into our nature, our little moments of pitter and patter. Just falling and hoping that it will be eternal, a forever falling where there is no bottom, deeper and deeper where eventually in the end, that listless floating of desire and passion will devastate my soul whenever I reach bottom.

That is what it is like to be where I am. My little heart has a built in pitfall. It latches on. It never lets go.

But from my perspective, the bottom is coming up fast. I’m in for a world of pain.

Maybe it is something that it thrives on. Maybe it is something that it needs to get stronger. Maybe it is just something to make me feel something other than the thing I’m feeling.

Maybe.

* * *

Staring back at me

Maybe.

My life is full of maybes. There’s just so much that could go either way, which is not definite because it hasn’t been tried. It hasn’t been true.

It is just a future of possibilities that can go any way until there is a definite experience. Even then, there are still different outcomes if done again and again. maybes.

There are just a lot of maybes anywhere.

Maybe the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t the glimmer of hope that I am dreaming of but the glimmer of a fading light?

Maybe it’ll just be my faint green beacon that I find through the fog so I’m not lost as to what my envious desire is?

Maybe.

I don’t want to lose you now/ Show me how to fight for now

Maybe I just need to fight more?

But I think I know I just need to know when to fold my hand and take the loss. It is too much. I have wasted so much of my time.

To think if I had made a decision to act on this a lot sooner or even to clear things sooner or even if I was smart enough to heed the signs that was presented, I would have been in a different place than I am now.

Maybe it would be with someone else that I’m going through this crux with or maybe I’ll actually be with someone. Who know?

I just know that there needs to be a change.

This needs a change.

We need a change.

Change.

* * *

Continuing where I left off yesterday.

Mirrors blasting the familiar tunes and laments in my ears.

I don’t want to lose you now

It is just a matter mustering up the strength to get this job done. Once it is done, things will get easier. Once it is done, things will be better.

I need other things to occupy my mind. I need to focus on things outside the matters of the heart.

Traveling. Seeing the world that I know that is out there waiting for me to explore.

Adventures are just waiting for me. I just need to take the first step in the journey.

* * *

It’s Father’s Day today.

Of course you aren’t here and of course I miss you.

* * *

Time.

It’s a fickle bitch.

Floating away, keeping constant.

Beating life’s measure.

Never have enough

When one needs it

No control

When one needs to go back

* * *

It’s gloomy today. Actually it’s been gloomy for the past couple of days.

It has its moments. It has its charm that I do surely miss when it is the usual from around here.

But I don’t know; it has gotten me a little the usual lately. Whether it is because of what I am eating, maybe because I am at a familiar crux in my life, or maybe it is just the time of the month for me. I don’t know.

I’m sure it’ll pass like it usually does. I’m sure it’ll pay whatever respect that it needs to pay me and my heart and just skip along and I’ll be back to myself.

Maybe.

I don’t know. Maybe it is just my diet.

I have been eating out pretty much all week. Food that is beyond my control on what is in it. Sure I could have gone with healthier options, but they were more convenient and I’m a man of convenience.

But it’ll pass as I go on with my life, living it a day at a time, figuring it out a little bit as I go.

That is the story of my life.

* * *

You make me glow.

The story of us goes on like it usually does.

Each day goes by and I am in a wonder of what it is that is happening.

Words spread and opinions are gathered. The verdict is in and it doesn’t bode well for me.

Nothing. Nothing is what is happening.

We aren’t even dancing. I was just never in the game.

But I’ll try like I usually do. I’ll play it to the end like I always do, because that is me. I need closure. I need definite.

I need a sense of concreteness, that final solid solution of “No”.

* * *

We’re up all night to get lucky.

Change. A little more a little less. Change.

I’m making small adjustments here and there. Things that were a part of me that just never really got a chance to blossom because I never put the effort in.

Most of it is superficial; little aesthetic changes here and there in how I dress.

But the heart of the matter is still the same. I’m still the same person. I’m still the same man that I have grown up to be, flaws and all.

Whether these changes are just the natural progression of things because I need to make a change or if they are just some small fundamental changes that I needed to make to get me to the next phase in my life, I’m not sure. But in a way, it does feel right.

These changes in clothing and style don’t feel like they are forced. They are things that I aspire to wear or have some kind of desire to wear. They are a part of my general style to begin with. It was just a matter of finally paying attention to them.

They are me.

* * *

I will wait, I will wait for you.

I belong with you. You belong with me, in my sweet heart.

It so goes the theme for today’s little playlist.

The one that was meant for me. The one that is waiting for. The one that was destined.

Maybe.

I am the hopeless one. I am the one hoping and wishing. I am the romantic with the broken heart.

Here I wait.

* * *

Free

The Heart strings

No longer twisted and tied

Into the jumbled mess of yearning

Liberated from the tortures

Unrequited

Unreturned

Flowing with the motions of free will

To choose the one that returns

Unafraid to share the magical mysticism

Harmonized by the drumming and marching of a running heart

Free to beat

Liberated

To Love

* * *