A character eludes me. I’m not sure how to write his motivation and his emotions. What is he feeling?

I’m lost in trying to find his heart. He’s such an interesting character, basing it on someone that I know. I know him but not really, you know?

I just need to type things into this void as I figure out how to proceed.

* * *

It’s been a little over a month since I have written anything on here. I have been back from the northwest, doing my daily workity work things and time just passed.

I have been busy with some writing here and there and just, I don’t know, passing time I guess.

Life. What is happening?

All that is looming is my Naming Day which is a little under a month away. I’ll be another year older and another year wiser.

What is there to say about it? I don’t know.

I just know that there is a need to do something with my life now, something different than the normal things that I have been doing as of late. Just something, you know? Just something worthwhile, a change perhaps.

What is that change? I don’t know, but there is a possibility that it’ll be coming soon as the decision is about to be made. Our fate hangs on it and I genuinely have no idea how things are going to go.

* * *

10 Years.

Looking back, 10 years is such a long time. I have started this blog almost 10 years ago. Started it because I just needed an outlet to let my feelings out. It was a suggestion of a good friend of mine at the time, a friend that no longer is one.

It was good for me, to just get everything out, to just write things out. My feelings. My raw emotions were laid out on these little pages of mine, these little entries. Slowly, bit by bit, word by word I got better. Or at least I think I had gotten better.

I have changed so much in the past 10 years, but not much. It’s a weird thing to see that I have just become a better version of who I was. I’m still the soft sentimental kid with dreams and hopes. I’m still the kind hearted guy who is shy and so aloof about life and life.

I’m just a better version of that as some aversions just simply melted away and other things were brought to the forefront of who I am today.

Time passes and I’m fixed just enough to move onto the next thing of my life, whatever that maybe.

* * *

10 years.

It was a bumpy road. A road of trials and tribulations, an arduous journey of open wounds and scars. But it wouldn’t be a good life if you came out of it unscathed without battle scars. It makes a boring story.

How exciting is my life story? How has my life been to date? Again, I would love to believe that it has been an interesting one. I think for the most part people would look at me and find interest in figuring me out. What do I do? What do I like? What kind of person am I?

I’m sure many people that I have met or have just a passing relationship with at work wonder that about me. Everyone is curious about the guy that hums around at work; dropping in and out of people’s lives rescuing them from their computer ails and work problems

Sometimes these passing relationships grow into something more solid and substantial — something less passing and something more permanent.

I wonder how many people wonder about that. Why do I choose the particular people that I tend to gravitate towards and spend more than my normal in and out fix the problem schedule?

I’m an enigma, or I would like to think and I’m sure many people do find me strange and curious.

But all in all, I’m an open book. It just takes some time to get use to my prose. My prose isn’t graceful or poetic. It’s just different.

* * *

I need to be more proactive in this coming change.

I know I need to make a change. I know possibly what those changes can be. But I don’t know for sure that those are the changes that I need to make until I know that I need to make them.

It’s a weird thing that I have. I won’t know until i know.

I’m always thinking about these changes, I’m always analyzing my life and how to improve it. I know the things that I need to do; I just need to be sure of it and actually act upon it. It’s never easy.

What can be the change? Dating? Moving? Doing something new? Accepting what I have now and deal with it?

I don’t know. I really don’t know.

* * *

You came around and knock me on the ground from the start. I have come full circle today. You put your arms around me and I’m home.

I can’t collect my thoughts. They don’t come as easily as they once did before.

It’s been the story of my blogging tippity tappity for a long while now. Some days I’ll be ago to go and go and go, but maybe it is just all environmental and I’m not as prolific as I am when I am in Los Angeles.

Maybe. I don’t know.