It was a late start today. My spotify wasn’t working properly after I upgraded it today. I had to uninstall it, but now I am ready to work out my fingers.

I don’t know what it is that I want to say. Today is Chinese New Year’s Eve. The celebration is tonight.

Well, what is there to say? I have no idea, but I need to buy some time, to just work things out, I guess.

Well, in a way, depending on how things go later in the month, there is a possibility that I might not have a job in the next few months. I told my mom this last night. Well, she already knows, but I just want to bring it up again. She said I should move back here, to Seattle.

I told her Chicago. I planted the seed. I love Chicago. Maybe it’ll work. A new start, a fresh start.

Of course my brother didn’t say anything but he had always known my love for Chicago. He usually never chimes in on anything like that.

But, whatever. The seed is planted. Now it is a matter of how real this is going to be. I don’t know.

* * *

Five years.

It’s been five years since I worked at my current job. I told the Blair that I would give him five years and it is now up. I told my mom at that time that I was going to give it five years.

Five years.

What am I going to do?

At that time it was more that I was going to move home if I didn’t find a new job and I’ll move home and start fresh. That’s what I told my mom, but if I didn’t find anything after a certain time I would move home. But I did find a job and here I am, five years later still working there.

Now, whether the company does fold or not, I am not sure, but there is that choice up in the air now.

Maybe the feeling last year was a nagging feeling that time is almost up and I need to decide what to do. I had to decide if I should just quit and move and do what it is that is planned for me next or just stay and continue on.

There is a feeling that I was kind of stagnant last year.

Fuck. The Mid-Life. That was horrible.

It was like I was lost again, at that crossroad and I had a decision to make.

Maybe it was just a precursor to get me to think about the next step. Whether I should stay in LA or not.

Carters are leaving in May. They are my oldest friends here in LA and they are the only friends that I see on a regular basis outside of work. Without them, what is there left to tie me to LA?

I really don’t know.

I have no relationship that I need to think about and stay for. I can basically live anywhere doing whatever I can find to do as long as I can pay the rent and feel a sense of security.

I don’t know what there is anymore.

I’m a nomad, moving from place to place. Just setting up enough roots to stay for a few years and then it is time for me to leave.

Is this it? Is this going to happen?

Well, the see is planted in my head and there is this nag that I need to make a change. Is this it?

I mean with all of the recent drama at work, I don’t know. The miscommunication between the freelancer and I and Yolo, I don’t know. It is just awkward and uncomfortable.

Fucking drama. If the freelancer would have just told me upfront instead of playing these little games, things would have been so much easier.

I don’t know much of anything anymore.

It’s been over ten years already. There were a lot of lessons and growing pains that I went through in those ten years. Maybe it is just time for me to face whatever new challenges that is out there for me to tackle to make me a better person.

I honestly don’t know much anymore.

I’m just living my life, bouncing from one moment to the next not really thinking about where I am going. I’m just going along with the ride and just seeing where I end up.

* * *

The ultimate question is, am I ready?

Am I finally ready to move back home?

What will happen if I do?

I’m sure I would see a lot more family when I do and that my family would definitely be a lot happier if I do. I would love to see them happy, but they all know I’m not willing to sacrifice my happiness to make them happy.

I have to make the decision on my own and not be coerced.

Am I ready to leave all these ten years behind and just start new again?

Have things changed enough for me to move back home and be okay? I know there will be things that will happen, like me not living at home or anywhere that close to home. I will do my own thing and see my family when I want to see my family.

But other than that, I don’t’ know. I don’t know much anymore.

The decision is huge. It will impact my life greatly.

What am I to do?

What is there in California that is holding me there?

Well, there are lots of things. The weather (even though I gripe about the lack of seasons all the time). It has everything, diversity and culture and hiking and the beach and fun (even though I don’t do anything).

In a way, it has been my home for over 11 years. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to leave it. I have set up my new life there. I grew up here in the sense I grew into myself, this person I am today. I grew up there. My life, no matter how quiet it is, is there.

But like me having to leave after college to grow up, maybe it is just time for me to leave and just start a new phase somewhere else, whether it is in Seattle or in Chicago or Portland or somewhere else.

Maybe.

* * *

I say that a reason I would move up here is for all the hiking and the wilderness. Would I do it? Would I actually make use of it and just go and do it?

I don’t know. There’s a lot of hiking there in California, but do I do it? Do I spend my days out there blazing through the trails with Pickles? No, I just sit on my ass and doing whatever it is that I do.

Maybe I should just change how I live my life my priorities and my routines. Instead of going to the boba shop to do my writings, I should just be out there getting healthy, hiking, doing something active and that I love.

It would give Pickles a better life, a healthier life.

I don’t know anymore.

At a crossroads.

I have a decision to make.

* * *

Have this been in my head for a while now or did something recently just trigger it?

I know that I was happy last year up here not a care in the world and just traveling and exploring. But that was vacation; it wasn’t my daily grind, my life. Would it be different?

I would have to deal with the seasons, the lack of sun, and the rain.

How will that affect my mood? I don’t deal well with the lack of rain. That’s for damn sure.

Things to ponder.

These are definitely things for me to ponder and think about. I know I usually just do things on a whim, but this is big.

It’ll be life changing.

I don’t’ know. I don’t know much anymore.

* * *

Life is at a crossroads. The fork is up ahead and I need to make a decision and commit to it.

What to do? Left or right?

Think.