There is definitely something in the air for the past couple of weeks that is just driving me blah. BLAH.

Fucking drama. Work drama no less. I hate it when there is fucking work drama. I just can’t not be in it. BLAH.

It’s just a simple case of miscommunication and jumping to conclusions that is just ruining everything. I need to take this break to calm down and to just think things over. I need to talk to him to clear things out.

* * *

It’s Chinese New Year’s again. Instead of spending it down with my LA family, I decided to fly up to spend it with my immediate family.

It has been 10 years since I’ve been back for Chinese New Year’s. Things were so different back then. Things were on a different level of happiness instead of this restored happiness with the lingering black hole what was my dad.

The last time I was up there, my dad was still alive. A few short months later, he passed away of a heart attack.

I don’t know if that was the reason why I never went back home for Chinese New Year’s or if flying back for Christmas is just easier. Well, considering where I work, flying back for Christmas was just easier.

But I guess it is time. Things need to move on. Life needs to just fulfill whatever path it is meant to fulfill and I can’t go on avoiding it for forever because of the fear that something like that might happen again or that those short final days are the lasts I have with my dad.

I’m packing up, getting ready to leave for the airport as he was getting ready to go off to work. He’s standing at the doorway to my then room and tells me to take care. It’s like he knows it’s his last time of seeing me and he just wants to say something more besides telling me to take care.

And I just say by and take care also. That’s all I can manage because I treated it as any other goodbye. It’s a not forever goodbye but an I’ll see you later, hopefully soon goodbye.

That was it. No hug, no contact. Just a simple exchange of words. That’s it.

Then a few months later, “poof”, he’s gone.

Back then I still feel regret for not doing something more. I thought I was cold and heartless; a non-loving son who can’t tell his dad that he loved him. No signs of emotions or even any affection.

I didn’t know any better. I just hated myself for my lack of anything that resembles loving my father on the outside. Those memories of bye and physical distance haunted me then as in a way it still does.

But I know better now. I didn’t know. I made a mistake, one that I sure do regret, but I didn’t know that he was going to just die of a heart attack a few months later.

If I had known, well, things would be different now, won’t they?

Life, it happens. I made the mistake of being our typical family of distance, emotional and physical.

Now, things are different. Hugs and I love yous are spewed on and off the phone.

I’m not making that mistake again with my mom. She and my brother are all I have left. She’s my only parent left.

* * *

Things are much better now. Things are different now.

The dynamics between my brother and I are still the same, the same awkward, I don’t know how to really talk to you about personal stuff, so let’s just not do it type of thing. Fuck, how I wish we can get past that, but I don’t know how to approach it.

Blah.

Man, it’s just been a really blah time for me as of late.

But overall, things are good.

* * *

In three months and two days, it will be 10 years since my father passed away.

Time had flown by so fast in these past 10 years. So fast and there’s so much that changed.

For the past few years, I had been dreading the coming of this. 10 years. 10 years without my father.

I think about all of the different things that he missed out on, all the different trips that I had taken without him. I think about him not being able to meet Pickles. I’m sure he would love him and dote on him.

He’s such a sweet dog, such a sweet kid.

But there’s no point in harping on that; on all of the missed moments and future joys that he’ll never be there to experience.

There’s no point.

I just have to believe that he’s always with me, guiding me whenever I have any doubts as to what to do. He’s there to see all the decisions I make and there are times where I do feel that there’s something or someone looking out for me, making sure I’m not doing anything fucking stupid.

I loved him deeply. I still do.

There will always be a whole in my heart and it is unfillable.

* * *

Cloud.

So, a few weeks ago while chatting online, Cloud said that she wanted me to meet her boyfriend. I’m not sure if her parents know if she’s seeing anyone or not, but it may seem that they have met the boy. My mom has met the boy apparently.

This should be interesting. I just can’t decide how I am going to go about it, whether I should be an ass and a jerk, or just be nice and polite to him, be accepting to him.

Most likely I’ll be me, which is a mixture of the two.

In a way, I just find it funny how well I’m bonding with her and her brothers and even their cousin. They are definitely a lot younger than I am. They are like my younger siblings, which I never had. I’m the youngest and my relationship with my brother was never like this. But then again, we are so close in age and we were just brought up differently where we just never talk like this, about anything personal.

For the most part, with these kids, I don’t give a fuck about them telling me anything. I just ask them questions. If they don’t want to answer, then they don’t. But I just ask. I don’t know why I can’t ever do that with my brother, but I don’t know. It’s just simpler with the kids.

It’s like I’m the cool older brother that they never had. They are all so close in age too.

Family. It’s times like these that it is nice to just be around family that you’ve grown up with, family that you’ve grown to love.

Looking back, I’ve known them for close to 11 years. They came over in 2002.

I think from the beginning, I tried to develop a bond and a relationship with them. From the very first day that I’ve met them.

It speaks a lot about my brother that their relationship is not like mine. It speaks a lot about his character that he doesn’t socialize much or with people.

But then again, though we grew up together, there’s a lot of different dynamics that shaped us into the people that we are today. There’s so much that I can pinpoint and cull some kind of explanation as to why I’m this way and why he’s that way.

But that’s all about psychology and even sociology.

But there are still a lot of things that I don’t know about him, about his life, ’cause I just simply don’t ask or he simply doesn’t volunteer.

So I can’t make many assumptions as to why he’s the way that he is, but I can guess to the root of it. Maybe he’s getting better in going out and socializing. I have no idea.

But I still see him as the quiet shy guy that I grew up knowing.